Teaching a Troubled Child

[MorningStar]

My husband is being moved to a new class in Primary that has the most difficult child. The dad is gone on Sundays because he's a high councilman and the mom just won't do anything about her son's behavior. Everyone is sure he has a disorder, but the parents don't want him to be labeled. He's 10 years old, he still sucks his thumb, can't/won't hold still, shoves kids unprovoked, etc. and my husband is afraid the mom won't like him anymore once he's his teacher because he says he's not going to put up with it. He says he might just come right out and say it, "Your son needs help. It doesn't matter how you and your husband feel about it - your son needs help for him." It really must be distressing to him that people are constantly angry or annoyed at him. I feel bad for him, but it is almost impossible to teach with him in the room.

Any advice? My husband doesn't want to have bad feelings with the mom, but he wants to be able to teach his lessons too.

[siouxz72]

maybe he could have the mom of the child come in and sit with him during class time, that way she can see his behavior and maybe offer up some suggestions on how to handle whatever happens.

[MorningStar]

She sees his behavior all the time, but she thinks he'll outgrow it. She comments frequently on his behavior. At Cub Camp, one of the kids said he was hurting him and she shrugged it off saying, "This is what he does when he gets bored." She didn't even say a word to him about it. Sometime before that, my husband nearly tackled him and told him he wasn't going to put up with it and he would make his mom drive him home. Also, she's our new Relief Society Pres., so it would be hard for her to sit in on the class. *sigh* When he acts up, she does nothing. It is really frustrating and people are always disciplining her child in her presence, which is really awkward. His behavior is the worst when she is around. He starts screaming in the middle of class that he is hungry, tries to wander the halls, she'll bring him some food even though he had a big breakfast, and lots of people are frustrated because they know she won't do a thing. I was thinking maybe the best thing to do is bring him to her over and over and over until she gets fed up and finally decides to do something about it. No one wants to teach him. I am afraid that he will start to hate church because he gets so much negative attention.

[KayaLove00]

Does the bishop know about this? He is responsible for the well being of the ward and if there are disruptions he should help deal with them accordingly. I think he should speak to the parents privately about these issues and refer them to LDS family services. The mother is in complete denial about her son it sounds like.

[MorningStar]

I'm sure he does know, but I don't know if he has tried to convince the parents to have him evaluated. My husband is supposed to keep in close contact with the Primary President, so maybe he'll suggest it. I think the suggestion would come best from the bishop. Thank you.

[WANDERER]

I have found that repeated conferencing works: once a week, same time, same place...because it makes me so exhausted...because the child is generally so unhappy...you can never the same thing too many times in these cases. Assessment doesn't fix it. The problem stays. And medication or follow-up is only as reliable as the person who is caring for them. Sometimes the results and illnesses that follow after medication is administered is gruelling and not a positive experience at all...will they stick with it until they get things right? Will a ten year old cooperate? Is it the right thing to do...but late? (sadly the benefits of early intervention are so much higher). On the upside: diagnosis of a problem often brings support. The parents often do not realise how much it impacts their own lives and their childs or anothers...because for them, this is normal. They cope..however low that may be...they don't see it as low...they are doing the best that they can.

However, when things do begin to get better...what a blessing it is for everyone. Persist. They don't have to like you. It may not bring the positive results that everyone so wishes for. But that doesn't mean that the attempt to help is not worthwhile. The poor little kid lives it 24 hours a day. Realise that they probably have attempted to seek help and they may need assistance with that: encourage them to seek school support: behavioural checklists, letters to take with them, a referral from a general practitioner and very detailed information on his behaviour so that they get the support they need...they may not be the best communicators and accurate information is important.

[Truegrits]

The mom (parents) may not be in denial...it may be that she has taken the easier path of giving in to his tantrums/demands. Just to get some peace, that may be how they have chosen to 'handle' him. Of course, while giving in to his behavior may bring them temporary relief, it is in no way addressing his problem. And it does seem that he is aware that by 'acting up' he will get what he wants.

I agree that it is cheating the rest of the class by letting him continually disrupt it. Maybe taking him out of the class and to the mom every time he is uncontrollable will let her realize that something MORE is needed than just appeasing/ignoring his bad behavior?!

Do you know how he acts in school? Does he go to school?

[MorningStar]

He does go to school, but I don't know how he does there. My friend pointed out to her, "Do you think the school lets him wander the halls? If he can sit in school for over 5 hours, he can sit in church class for an hour." His mom said that if his teacher next year is too "disciplinarian", she's going to homeschool him. My husband said he was going pretty good at cub camp until the day his mom volunteered - then he was horrible. I don't know if being diagnosed will help him at this point, but it would definitely help people to understand him better instead of thinking of him as intentionally naughty.

[Misshalfway]

Sounds like this mom is in denial and taking the easier way out. What does the Primary President say? It would be nice if there was a diagnosis.....then there might be some solutions for managing his behavior. But if you have an unsupportive mother....perhaps your H should call the father on the phone and talk directly about the issues and ask for some suggestions for how to manage him in class. I mean, isn't the behavior of our children at church our responsibility as parents???? No child should be getting hit at church, even if it is from a boy with problems.

Edited August 5, 2008 by Misshalfway

[mightynancy]

He sounds just like one of my Cubs, and their mothers could be twins. Although, my Cub is on medication...it just takes a while to kick in! I think my little friend's behavior is largely outside of his control, though I never see his parents intervene, either. I don't know them well enough to truly say (they're in our pack, but not our ward). He's a nice boy at heart, and we always try to appeal to his better nature.

I'd ask for a team teacher, so that one can be the kid wrangler while the other teaches. I do suggest that a man be the kid wrangler - my Cub responds best when it's a man doing the disciplining. Having a second adult there gives the adults the freedom to send one out with the boy while the other makes sure the rest of the class receives instruction and doesn't miss an activity on account of the one boy.

The other thing for your DH to do is to be sure to get set apart and to pray for this young man. Your DH has the right to inspiration on how to reach him and the rest of the class from the One who knows him best.

[MorningStar]

Sounds like this mom is in denial and taking the easier way out. What does the Primary President say? It would be nice if there was a diagnosis.....then there might be some solutions for managing his behavior. But if you have an unsupportive mother....perhaps your H should call the father on the phone and talk directly about the issues and ask for some suggestions for how to manage him in class. I mean, isn't the behavior of our children at church our responsibility as parents???? No child should be getting hit at church, even if it is from a boy with problems.

Unfortunately the dad isn't any more helpful than the mom. His idea of discipline is tickling his kids to "kind of torture them" until they stop whatever they're doing. He had very stern parents who spanked a lot, so he has gone in the opposite direction. When we had our parenting class through the stake, he mentioned his tickling method and our teacher looked slightly horrified like, "Oh my gosh, that's not even close to dishing out consequences."

This situation drives the Primary President nuts and I'm not sure what all she has done to try to help the situation, but I would bet she has talked to the bishop about it. When my husband volunteered for Cub Camp, he called her to ask how to handle these boys who were acting up and she said to call their parents and have them go home because the year before someone did something so bad, they council threatened to kick their pack out and no longer recognize them, so they wouldn't get to partcipate in pinewood derbies and that sort of thing.

[MorningStar]

He sounds just like one of my Cubs, and their mothers could be twins. Although, my Cub is on medication...it just takes a while to kick in! I think my little friend's behavior is largely outside of his control, though I never see his parents intervene, either. I don't know them well enough to truly say (they're in our pack, but not our ward). He's a nice boy at heart, and we always try to appeal to his better nature.

I'd ask for a team teacher, so that one can be the kid wrangler while the other teaches. I do suggest that a man be the kid wrangler - my Cub responds best when it's a man doing the disciplining. Having a second adult there gives the adults the freedom to send one out with the boy while the other makes sure the rest of the class receives instruction and doesn't miss an activity on account of the one boy.

The other thing for your DH to do is to be sure to get set apart and to pray for this young man. Your DH has the right to inspiration on how to reach him and the rest of the class from the One who knows him best.

I think parents who deal with kids like that 24 hours a day learn to tune them out and they choose their battles. I just haven't figured out which battles this mom has decided are worth fighting because charging a kid and shoving them hardly even makes her blink.

My husband does team teach. Right now they have a different class and they're just switching them around. But he knows that they are both supposed to remain in the room (our ward is pretty strict about it). I'll definitely remind him to pray about how to handle him. He was extra bad this last Sunday because he just lost his regular teacher (doesn't like the other guy) and that guy kept him calm by scratching his back during class. That tells me there's some sort of sensory issue going on there. He seems to require constant stimulation. Maybe someone has a massage chair we could use at the church? Funny, it might actually help. He also responds better to men. I can't imagine most women trying to wrangle him. He's strong!