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liangkai

help/advice wanted

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I'm engaged, getting married in a few weeks. I was overseas for a few months, and while away i did something i wish i didnt. its often referred to as "IT". im afraid that its serious enough to keep me out of the temple! however I realized my sin, and made sure i changed my attitude and actions. I haven't done it again, i dont dare to. i love my fiance too much, i want to do the right thing. However, im a bit afraid of the interview coming up with the bishop when getting a living ordinance recommend. if i've stopped and feel i've repented, will they realize that? will they still let me have a recommend and marry my love on the day we've set? or will they impose punishment for my sin by not giving me a recommend?

Edited by liangkai

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"They" might have you wait for a time before going to the temple. All is not lost. You can still have a temple marriage and all of the blessings that come with it, but it may not be when you expected it to be, and the road in front of you may be rocky. IMO, it is worth it to be honest now and follow your bishop's advice, rather than compounding the problem and creating a rockier road for yourself later on.

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Liangkai, I'm not LDS, but we claim to worship the same God--a God who calls upon us to submit to authorities in the Church. So, what if they do tell you to wait? Will you? Will you obey? Would you allow inconvenience and expense (no small matters, to be sure) to keep you from obeying God? Forgiveness does not always come absent consequences. This may be a true trial of your love for God. I pray that you will find within yourself the strength to say yes to God, and to ask Him to help you with the consequences.

Even if you dodge this particular matter, it would do us all well to meditate on how much we would be willing to give up or endure for God.

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I had those same kind of thoughts concerning receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood and I finally decided I needed to be honest and that there was no other faithful choice for me. Also, serious sins must be confessed to the Bishop, otherwise you have not fully repented, even though you've been valiant in not repeating your mistake. I learned this the hard way on other occasions. For the Priesthood there is a pretty clear scripture which ultimately served as a rebuke to soften my heart. Speaking of the priesthood, it states:

"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man."

If you were to take out the word priesthood and replace it with "blessings" the scripture could be likened unto you this way. "Amen to the blessings of the temple and the ratifying power of the Holy Ghost for that man." You'd be robbing the one you love. If a covenant is entered into under false pretenses the seal, or ratifying power, of the Holy Ghost will not be there.

I know it is tough but it is better to bring sin into the light; a true sign of repentance. The fact that it shakes you up in such a manner seems to indicate the maturity you have in realizing the severity of your actions, which is good. I know you want the blessings of the temple and that they are precious to you, don't let the influence of Satan lull you into losing such a blessing. You have my love and admiration as your brother in Christ for desiring to do what's right and posting here, may you be always steadfast and true.

:)

EDIT: Noticed a mistake I made, sorry about that.

Edited by OneEternalSonata

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Guest tomk

I'm engaged, getting married in a few weeks. I was overseas for a few months, and while away i did something i wish i didnt. its often referred to as "IT". im afraid that its serious enough to keep me out of the temple! however I realized my sin, and made sure i changed my attitude and actions. I haven't done it again, i dont dare to. i love my fiance too much, i want to do the right thing. However, im a bit afraid of the interview coming up with the bishop when getting a living ordinance recommend. if i've stopped and feel i've repented, will they realize that? will they still let me have a recommend and marry my love on the day we've set? or will they impose punishment for my sin by not giving me a recommend?

You need to make a full confession as soon as possible...to your bishop, to your fiance, to God.

If not, you will have regrets for the rest of your life, and will marry your fiance based upon a lie.

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Is this something you want to keep hidden, where in the future maybe your fiance could find out. It's best to get it out in the open now, deal with it and let the cards fall where they will. You will be a much better person for it.

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My sister went through the same thing and she had to confess to her fiance andt to her bishop and she had to wait six months before she was able to get married. I sure is different for each person but a few weeks sounds to soon to me...

My sister also waited until she was found worthy to enter the temple instead of just having a regular wedding and getting sealed later. It was worth it.

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forgive my bluntness here.....but, i think i might be more worried about the wrath of my fiance for having cheated than what the bishop will say..... may not matter if they don't let you get a temple recommend....may not need one......

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First of all, have you told your fiance? If you haven't told her, then you have no business getting married anyway.

Second, you need to tell your bishop. I have my doubts that an 'isolated overseas' incident can be so lightly waived when it's been described as the worst sin except for denying the Holy Ghost and murder.

You'll have to tolerate my bluntness, but if you really think that you can move past this without speaking to those two people, I'd get the impression that you're not really worried about repentance as much as you are worried about not getting caught.

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ok so i'm confused, when i was in high school "IT" was very much a that...... i'm trying to figure out what was bad enough that you may not be able to go to the temple but not severe enough that your fiance won't care..... if it needs repenting of (breaking the law of chastity) ......... well if i were your finance i'd be thinking about calling it off. i know ppl that have called far less than breaking the law of chastity cheating if you are in an exclusive relationship.........getting married is pretty exclusive.

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If you broke the law of chastity, in any way, it should be repented of fully, confession, to your Bishop and any other effected parties, included. Trust me, you'll feel better. Do you feel worthy enough to enter the temple? If you truly are, telling the appropriate people will not change the fact. Choose ye this day whom ye will serve.

EDIT: I realized I'm coming on a little too strong here and honestly I don't want to seem like I'm judging you. I'm sorry if I've offended you, it wasn't my intent. I truly do know the depths of hurt even "minor" breaking of a covenant can bring and don't want others to suffer undue harm from it. That's my intent, but ill-executed.

Edited by OneEternalSonata

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We don't know what it was, and we are not judges even if we did. It may not be as serious as it seemed to us. But if it bothers you this much, you should tell your bishop. It will feel better knowing that you really are worthy when you go to the temple. We don't know if it is something that will cause you to have to reschedule anything or not.

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i also assumed that "it" meant relations with another woman...but i have the idea now that "it" may have been relations with yourself.....of course the vagueness of "it" could be anything to you and an assumption for us. but it does seem clear that you dont want to tell the bishop and possibly delay your wedding because of the ramifications from you fiance'. and that WILL snowball on in so many ways...you may find yourself rationalizing other indescrepancies in the future....tell your bishop...tell your fiance'.....and yes...that will probably hurt a lot..which is why you're so frightened. i have done it in the past (rationalized excuses) and it DID snowball...and it was horrible...choose the lesser of two evils (to coin a phrase because confession certainly is not evil, but a process of salvation) and confess.....you'll preferr it in the long run...belive me.

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ok so the IT you were talking about isn't as bad as the IT i was talking about. if we are on the same page now as to what IT is .... lol.... my two cents..

you probably should tell the bishop, especially since it's still taxing your spirit. i'm not really sure though, does one have to confess an isolated indecent of that? in my opinion your repentance you've been through is probably valid....but my opinion won't get you to the temple so it's not worth much.

you definatley should tell your fiance. some women would be very hurt and it will be a big deal, others not that big. depends on her. lol i very very strongly suggest when you do be very very specific as to what IT is. cause if she thinks the IT was the same IT i thought IT was then IT will keep you from ever getting to explain IT.

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ok so the IT you were talking about isn't as bad as the IT i was talking about. if we are on the same page now as to what IT is .... lol.... my two cents..

you probably should tell the bishop, especially since it's still taxing your spirit. i'm not really sure though, does one have to confess an isolated indecent of that? in my opinion your repentance you've been through is probably valid....but my opinion won't get you to the temple so it's not worth much.

you definatley should tell your fiance. some women would be very hurt and it will be a big deal, others not that big. depends on her. lol i very very strongly suggest when you do be very very specific as to what IT is. cause if she thinks the IT was the same IT i thought IT was then IT will keep you from ever getting to explain IT.

IT will keep a missionary off a mission, so that seems like definite grounds for confession... Also, President Kimball is pretty express about confessing that in the MoF.

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ok so the IT you were talking about isn't as bad as the IT i was talking about. if we are on the same page now as to what IT is .... lol.... my two cents..

you probably should tell the bishop, especially since it's still taxing your spirit. i'm not really sure though, does one have to confess an isolated indecent of that? in my opinion your repentance you've been through is probably valid....but my opinion won't get you to the temple so it's not worth much.

you definatley should tell your fiance. some women would be very hurt and it will be a big deal, others not that big. depends on her. lol i very very strongly suggest when you do be very very specific as to what IT is. cause if she thinks the IT was the same IT i thought IT was then IT will keep you from ever getting to explain IT.

This post has quite confused and dazed me...even given me a headache, I think...:confused:

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Ok guys, I'm gonna be the voice of dissent here.

I'm interpreting 'IT' to mean 'self gratification' and on that basis I answer thus:

I know how important the law of Chastity is, and how serious these issues are. At the same time, what we'[re talking about here seems to be an isolated incident as opposed to a continuing pattern. If indeed this brother has repented and sinned no more in that department, then I fail to understand why it needs to be brought up again.

The point of going to the Bishop and confessing is to seek help in breaking a pattern of sin and getting back on the path to righteousness. Again, if we were talking about a continuing pattern then absolutely seeing the Bishop is the thing to do. But if he's handled it and isn't doing it again, having sincerely prayed for forgiveness and repented of it... Then it's done with and the Lord will forget the sin.

I mean, if I'm way off base here then by all means tell me... But as the father of a couple teenage sons I just have trouble seeing this issue with the same level of gloom and doom as is being expressed here (unless I'm badly misunderstanding you guys, which is always possible ;) )

Just my 2 cents' worth.

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IT will keep a missionary off a mission, so that seems like definite grounds for confession... Also, President Kimball is pretty express about confessing that in the MoF.

Are you saying a man would be kept from going on a mission if he masturbated ONE time, and confessed it? That seems a bit excessive to me, as he's obviously controlling himself. But, you know better than I how that works.

As far as the opening post, I think you've shown exemplary control by realizing it may risk your marriage, and thus stopping. In fact, I would think if you told your fiancee' what you told us--that you love her and stopped after the ONE time because you didn't want to risk losing her--that she would be very happy about that.

In fact, because you only did it once, I suspect your bishop and fiancee will say "Just don't do it again," and any personal feelings of betrayal or something similar, would not enter into the equation.

I'm not saying the bishop may not institute a disciplinary action. I'm saying no one is going to hold it against you, since it only happened ONE time. And especially since you have not done it again, as you realized what you risk if you do.

I just have to think the "ONE" time only has to count in your favor. But I'm not privy to these things, where others are.

Elphaba

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Good posts above.

Also, a lot depends on your bishop. Some bishops see things like masterbation as pretty serious behavior, some see it as very minor and only want it mentioned in any interviews if it creates any anxiety in the member's mind.

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Good posts above.

Also, a lot depends on your bishop. Some bishops see things like masterbation as pretty serious behavior, some see it as very minor and only want it mentioned in any interviews if it creates any anxiety in the member's mind.

And that's the thing... Any time it is causing you turmoil then yes, I'd agree with the others that it should be taken up with the Bishop. The problem is, in a case like this is seems like the turmoil is more because of the fear of the result than guilt over the action itself. (Which is good. Once repented, feeling guilt over a sin is not constructive.)

We just need to be careful to avoid getting legalistic in our approach as to when to see the Bishop. Sin A must always go to the Bishop but sin B never does. That leaves out personal discernment.

My suggestion to you: Pray about this, and be open to the answer. If you feel impressed to go to the Bishop then go. Otherwise, let it go. You don't need this baggage on your mind when you are preparing to go to the Temple.

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In my view, you should pray about it and if indeed your sin is self gratification, talk with your Bishop soon. The fact that you brought this subject up indicates to me that it is bothering you as it should. The quicker you handle this, the better you will feel to get it behind you. If it is indeed a one time shot, then your Bishop will also consider that. Depending on the advise your Bishop gives or requires, would depend on whether or not your finance needs to know. Good luck.

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