anger/rage towards husband

[crazypotato]

Hi, just joined.

Married 12 years. Miserable 12 years. Angry, angry with spouse and self, 3 little kids.

Hubby was addicted to video games for first 5 years of marriage and ran us into tons of debt, refused to speak to me and was abusive to me emotionally and physically.

Then found out he was into porn (he never confessed, I caught him several times) and of course the masturbation and lying and lack of interest in me that goes along with it.

Also lied all the time about money and is a compulsive spender. And doesn't help with anything around the house. or yard.

Left him after 5 or 6 years of marriage and stayed with my messed up parents that were completely unsupportive of me, had no self esteem and worried about debt in my name so went back to him.

Stupidly had 3 kids with him. After kid number 3, he joined the Army, yeah! So gone all the time. Mad at him for joining the army.

Now he claims he is off the porno and that he no longer lies about money, and he helps watch the kids, but still is completely unemotionally kind towards me. He pushes my buttons until I erupt into a rage of screaming at him, then calmly tells me that I have anger issues, PMS, mental health issues, etc.

I hate him and I can't support myself and the kids (all 3 in daycare) and no I don't have family to help. I am angry all the time. I am trying to think positive thoughts, not let him get to me until I graduate from school and can support myself, plus kids older and in school.

He shows me his love by buying me whatever I want and spending tons of money on me.

We have tried 3 different counselors but he says they don't work. He says now it is all my problem for not forgiving him, that he has changed, that he doesn't lie or look at porn.

I don't like him, I don't respect him, I don't know if these feelings will pass with time and eventually I will trust him again? I am screaming at my kids and taking my anger out on them. I went to a counselor and she told me to go on anti-depressants. Went to bishop and he said I had low self-esteem and needed to work on that first.

Any insights?

Crazy Potato

[Connie]

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I will be thinking and praying for you. Have you and your husband ever read The Five Love Languages? It is so insightful and might be a good first step. It doesn't sound like your love language is Receiving Gifts. Here is the website:

The Five Love Languages

[Honor]

Seriously, I seem to be on the 5 Love Language kick as well, but I really think it could help a lot of people! Dr. Chapman has books on the subject geared toward couples, singles, families, and military personnel. It's based on the idea that we each feel love in different ways so we need to learn to speak the love language that the other person understands and that when our "love tank" is full, it moves us to love more. When we're running on empty, hopelessness sets in. I can't recommend it enough.

[Kirajo]

Either get rid of him and find a way to get help or find a happier environment for your kids. They're being abused. I could care less about what you want right now, I care about what your kids need. And what your kids need, is best for you too.

[crazypotato]

how are my kids getting hurt, exactly? Other than my yelling at them, then putting them in daycare and yelling at them? staying and yelling at them? giving myself a lobotomy?

Seriously can't think straight.

[Misshalfway]

Hello CP.

Sounds to me like you have lots of valid concerns and lots of painful circumstance. Sweetie, you gotta take a time out. What I mean is get to a place where you can quiet your mind. We deal better with problems when we are at a calm place....a non-reactive place....a peaceful place. That doesn't mean we don't feel angry or have every right to be angry. It just means that we listen to the anger and whatever messages we need to learn from it instead of reacting to it.

It sounds to me like you are looking to him to solve your problems. It isn't him who is causing your anger. Although, believe me when I say that I understand anger. I am intimately familiar with anger and rage and all those powerful feelings. But, I have learned what to do with my feelings. You gotta stop yelling at the kids. Period. You can't give yourself permission to do that any more. I don't care how stressful things are. If things are that stressful, do something about it. Do you and your H need a break from one another? Do you need a break from him and the kids just to heal a bit and reclaim a portion of your serenity?

You can't change or control your H. You get yourself in trouble when you try. You make yourself crazy and angry. So do something else. Something that works!

Take some time to put all of your problems down. Put them at the feet of the Savior. And breath. Ask Him for understanding. Ask Him to take your anger from you. Ask him for answers to what you can do to make your situation safe and peaceful. And then.....stand up and start in again only this time from a place of centeredness and love -- love for yourself, your sweet kids, and your H.

Now.....with regards to the porn piece. This is a much bigger issue. I have some experience here. If you would like to talk about that, I am available.

Best wishes, CP. Take care of yourself! Take care of those kids! And let God take all the frustrations, pain, and burden.

[a-train]

LDS.org - Liahona Article - Slow to Anger

-a-train

[RainofGold]

I feel for you, but I feel even more for those poor children. It seems that you do need to take the antidepressant and then work on your self esteem.

You can't think straight because your not well. Seek help from the church for you and your children, there is always a way. When one door closes another one opens.

I will pray for you that you will be able to find a way to get a way from your abusive husband.

Rain:no:

[raulrosalez22]

Your kids might be really suffering.

I know trust me. I have a story on that. E-mail me if you want to know

[email protected]

[dreamcatcher01]

there is no quick fix to your problem, but in the same heart felt feelings i say i am sorry that you are suffering so much pain,anguish,self crushing. know this more then any thing else you are not in the wrong, you are so ever strong for staying as long as you did. family prayer and scripture study to bring in the feelings of the holy ghost and a feeling of love where hearts have been badly bruised and trust as been greatly damaged. thought the feelings of forgiveness are hard to come bye when you have been hurt so badly, but over a very lengthy time as you being to believe that you are a powerful daughter of our heavenly father in enduring that which ye have done. knowing that the lord wants to heal your heart over time its much like a seed that is planted in the ground it does not spring to a giant tree all at once but over time and tender loving care and thought along the way the tree will get scraps and bruises the roots will dig deep to rescue when it is needed so that we can continue to grow in time once again. let me know if this helps ?

[crazypotato]

Okay,

I think my anger blocks the Holy Ghost from being with me. It is true that it is wrong for me to feel it.

But every time I go to church, I just silently weep all through because I feel so sad. If I let go of my anger, I feel deep, deep sadness.

Should I give custody of my kids to my husband so that I won't yell at them? Won't that harm them, or are they better off without me?

Should I try and put them in foster care? Should I medicate myself with antidepressants so that I feel buzzed enough to not yell at them? I am willing to do whatever need be.

I am a stay at home mom. Should I get a job and put them in daycare so that they are away from our home more?

It hurts me to say these things because I love them so much. Don't other parents yell at their kids, too? It's not okay, but how damaging is it to them? I pray every day to not yell at them. I put them in front of the tv when I am especially mad. I bought them a dog to love. I work out at the gym to relieve stress. I do journaling to write my emotions down. I try to get away for breaks but then I miss them when I am gone. Why do you all assume that my kids need away from me? Tell me honestly, are they better off without me?

What can I do? My husband knows everything that hurts me the most, and he uses them at his convenience, like telling me that I am a bad mom, or staying on the computer late at night while I am asleep, or telling me he was into whips and chains, and then when I finally started screaming at him that he was a sick pervert, yelling at me for believing him. He plays mind games all the time with me. It makes me fuming mad at him and at myself for being stupid enough to stay with him and make 3 kids. I feel like I am in a living hell with no way out.

I swear I need a lobotomy, lots of illegal drugs, a prozac/beer mix, or the foster care system. I have about had it with the church as well. It is all about families and I feel like my destination is hell, so why bother even going there.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[SMG]

Bear in mind that all of the following is purely my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

First and foremost, I think you need to get away from your husband. He's abusing you. Pushing your buttons to get you to react explosively isn't something that someone who loves you does, period. IMNSHO, the man has had his chance and he's blown it, BIG TIME.

Taking out your anger on your kids, even if it is connected with depression, is a serious no-no. Emotional hurts last ever so much longer than physical hurts, because it gets stuck in your head and plays over and over like a broken record player. Please, don't do that your children. Do you want your children to be afraid of you? (I say this as someone who has had to overcome my own fear of a relative who lashed out me as a child. I wouldn't wish the hurt I felt on anyone. )

Please, don't turn to illegal drugs or substance abuse. It will do more harm than it could ever help. The most important part, IMO, is to stop being angry at YOURSELF. It is in the past, you can't go back and change it. All any person can do is to do what they can in the here and now. Love yourself. I know that may seem hard to do, at times. I've been waist deep in self hatred, myself. Pray, let Heavenly Father know you need His aid. No one ever said we had to go through our ordeals in life totally alone. Don't give up on yourself, because the Savior and Heavenly Father won't give up on you!

Do you have anyone who could help you in the form emotional support or help you find ways to get help? If you feel one source isn't helping you, try another. You are in my prayers.

[RainofGold]

Please go and see a psychiatrist he can help you find counseling, and medications and the help that you need. Once the medication takes effect you'll be able to cope better with your problems. Which in my opinion is your abusive husband.

My sister is bipolar and she has struggled with many problems in her life, but once she was under a psychiatrist care she was able to function so much better.

[WANDERER]

Firstly, you are not a bad mother and you do not need to conform to what he is telling you you are...nor do you need to be set up to be that person. Pushing your buttons and then watching you lose it at the kids and everyone around you ...ugh. You don't need to lose the plot with the kids....that's a misdirection of other frustrations in your life at those that don't have a choice and didn't create the problem. Deep breath, count to ten and make a choice not to do that and it just makes you feel worse in the longrun. Find something else to vent the pain and excess energy of frustration on...exercise is a good outlet. Whatever you vent on...don't direct the energy on him...it will go nowhere....totally unproductive and it's always going to be a lose/lose situation. We can't solve problems effectively when we are angry... do something else with it and deal with things when you are calmer.

You also do need space and time to get out of that push button mode....where your stress levels are so high even the smallest triggers can send you crashing and depressed. This is where counselling may help. You're going to need help to get out of this situation and that's hard to do when you're feeling to low to cope with small problems let alone major life changes.

Hun, I kinda understand a husband being into porn and the whole scenario of spiralling downwards there...particularly in an unfulfilling marriage. Some of that is anger and low self-esteem and frustration...which is entirely normal in a situation like that to feel that way....but it's not making you feel great about yourself to do this. Overcoming an addiction in a situation like this is hard to do...because it's the problems behind the addictions that need to be dealt with. Cut yourself a break...God loves you...do what you can to overcome it...but deal with the triggers. Battling an addiction is a hard thing even in a peaceful and loving home.

Having kids with this guy...well...we all wish and hope for better and are optimistic and try to solve problems. Hindsight is a wonderful thing...but you can't judge yourself on what you know now and what you would have/should have done. I believe that people do the best they can and try to make the best decisions...sometimes it just doesn't work out the way that we hoped things would. Forgive yourself on that one. Appearances can be very deceptive and some people are very good at covering and hiding their problems...and slowly over time you begin to realise what you are getting into as small revelations build up over time until you find yourself in a situation you can't believe you got into. It is quite possible that he never thought it would turn out this way either...some times the covering is so good that they even fool themselves and continue to do so. There must have been love somewhere there in the beginning. These things happen.

Keep studying. Seek counselling. Decide whether to heal or move on...this will depend on his willingness to also seek couselling and repair the marriage. One person alone cannot do it.

Have you ever heard the saying that people who say they are crazy are not crazy enough to be crazy...well same thing. If you think you are going to hell then you are spiritually looking towards heaven...people who choose to head towards hell don't worry about heaven or God. God sees beyond circumstances to your heart.

[Misshalfway]

Okay,

I think my anger blocks the Holy Ghost from being with me. It is true that it is wrong for me to feel it.

But every time I go to church, I just silently weep all through because I feel so sad. If I let go of my anger, I feel deep, deep sadness.

Should I give custody of my kids to my husband so that I won't yell at them? Won't that harm them, or are they better off without me?

Should I try and put them in foster care? Should I medicate myself with antidepressants so that I feel buzzed enough to not yell at them? I am willing to do whatever need be.

I am a stay at home mom. Should I get a job and put them in daycare so that they are away from our home more?

It hurts me to say these things because I love them so much. Don't other parents yell at their kids, too? It's not okay, but how damaging is it to them? I pray every day to not yell at them. I put them in front of the tv when I am especially mad. I bought them a dog to love. I work out at the gym to relieve stress. I do journaling to write my emotions down. I try to get away for breaks but then I miss them when I am gone. Why do you all assume that my kids need away from me? Tell me honestly, are they better off without me?

What can I do? My husband knows everything that hurts me the most, and he uses them at his convenience, like telling me that I am a bad mom, or staying on the computer late at night while I am asleep, or telling me he was into whips and chains, and then when I finally started screaming at him that he was a sick pervert, yelling at me for believing him. He plays mind games all the time with me. It makes me fuming mad at him and at myself for being stupid enough to stay with him and make 3 kids. I feel like I am in a living hell with no way out.

I swear I need a lobotomy, lots of illegal drugs, a prozac/beer mix, or the foster care system. I have about had it with the church as well. It is all about families and I feel like my destination is hell, so why bother even going there.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi. I am glad you feel like you can vent. Get it out. We have big ears and broad shoulders (as another poster told me on one of my sad days. :) )

I think you are hitting the nail on the head with the anger. When you look behind it, you feel deep, deep sadness!!! YES! That is all anger is. It is a red flag or an alert system inside of us that something is wrong or hurting us and that something needs to be changed. So listen to it! Allow yourself to feel it! Allow it to point you to what changes you need to make in your life. I am glad you are journaling. I am glad you are crying at church. Those emotions are trying to get out of you and your brain is trying to process them so that you can let them go. But if you don't deal with them in proper ways or make the decisions and boundaries and steps to take away the painful circumstances, all that emotion turns into a powder keg!

Processing all of that emotion takes time!!! Sometimes years. So.....give yourself a massive dose of patience permission on that score.

Right now, though, you are in the heat of all the trauma. You need an emotional ER!!! Conditions to be created so that you can find safety and space to heal and so that your kids can too.

I second the advise of others on the H thing. I think you need to get away from him right now. I don't know about the legal/financial issues. Start looking at your familial resources. Could you ask him to move out? Could you stay with relatives? Could your parents help you will money if he starts playing dirty? Look into a legal separation so that your financial and other interests are protected.

I don't know what the specific answers are for you. But I know that YOU DO! So, listen to that voice within. It is trying to tell you something!!!

And once you start getting clarity on what you need, then stand up girl! Get empowered. Use that anger to propel you into a healthier place. Don't stay sitting and marinating in such an awful circumstance! One that is destroying you! You are the most important force for good in your children's lives. Don't lay down that responsibility just because you have difficult circumstances.

And don't do it alone. Get Support! Get the RS pres or Bish or join a support group. I have one on this site for the Wives of Porn Addiction. Read some good help books. Feed your mind with truth and light and kind knowledge.

And then do kind things for yourself. If you need a weekend to sit in bed and cry....call your best friend to take the kids for a few days. And then get in your jammies and cry and cry and cry!!!

I am talking about lots of kind things. Over and over, time after time until you heal a little bit and so you can gather strength and clarity to make bigger decisions later. And right now, I think one of your decisions needs to be that you will not longer allow anyone to abuse you in anyway! Not one more day allowing someone to tell you how awful you are or use Porn in your house or whatever it is that is hurting you! And that you will no longer believe all that crap!

And finally, that you will no longer subject your children to the things that are hurting them. If you feel the anger, get a sitter and go away from them to deal with it. And then come back to them when you can access your compassion and your smile and your love.

In short Honey. You gotta take care of yourself and your kids! You are talking about drugs because it hurts SOOO badly and you want it to stop! Well, no one is going to make it stop but you!!! God will help....but only when you are ready to stand up and start walking! Are you in a place to hear that????

Hugs.

Edited September 4, 2008 by Misshalfway

[crazypotato]

Egads!

I kept thinking things were getting better with my husband and life, but that I was just trailing behind. He is not as mean as he used to be, but he thinks that he is emotionally healthy. He went to counseling last year, but would not show up to appointments or cancel without telling me. Specific things that I told him hurt me, he will does.

I am not into porn/have never had an addiction. But he says he is clean, then why is he up late at night on the computer, like I have asked him a million times not to be? He says he doesn't lie about things anymore. How do I know this after 11 years of his lying? He gets angry with me and impatient for not trusting him, and tells me that no matter how hard he tries, I am never happy. So he is sick of me too. I told him I thought he was emotionally abusive sometimes, and he just sneers at me that I have been watching too much tv and that I have a big victim mentality. I have practically had to force him to apologize for the years of porn, lying, and abuse. But he downplays it as over and done with.

After a while, I just lose hope in him and the marriage and stop caring about things. I stop trying because he isn't either. My kids aren't even school age. They are so impressionable I know. I need to let myself cry instead of being angry. I have sought counsel with so many people, and I have always leaned towards staying with him and trying to make things work and having hope. I guess I need to forgive myself for that.

My mom lives out of state and has offered to help me financially before, or to move up here. I just don't know how I would do with her because she was emotionally abused by my dad for so long, they finally divorced after their mission, that she is thrashed emotionally. She has no self esteem adn thinks everyone hates her. She automatically assumes the worst and meanest about people. She is a good person, just weak and has been through too much. She is retired and on a fixed income. I would feel guillty turning her life upside down like that. I have no one else that could help, that I can think of.

I just worry that I am a drama queen, like my husband says. He says I have a good life and that I just look for the negative in everything and I should be grateful for what I have. I appreciate all your replies. I feel crazy and most of my friends have no idea what is going on. I have one that thinks my husband is a jerk and I need to leave him, and the rest have no clue, so I don't talk to them. My husband refuses to go to the bishop because I already talked to him about him, and so now it is "my fault" for him not getting a temple recommend because he can't do the bishop's interview.

Thanks for letting me vent again. Gotta take care of my kids and get to the temple. I have a hard time trusting in men in general now and am noticing that with God, and all men in the church, I feel very wary of.

Potato-face

[Misshalfway]

PA's do all those things. The lying, the blame-shifting, the demanding to be trusted without having to be trustworthy! They control that way so they don't have to face truth. Everytime you show him your pain or ask him to make amends, you are pushing that fear button and he will retaliate and make you feel like the crazy one rather than deal. That is what addicts do. Being an addict is a state of mind and is not necessarily measured by how often they use.

You don't have to buy into or play these games. Boundaries! That is THE MOST IMPORTANT first lesson of dealing with addiction....of any kind.

Your trust issues are absolutely understandable. You gotta start with trusting yourself to make the choices that are in your best interest. Going to the temple is good place to start.

Have you checked his history? Can you investigate and find some proof of his late night computer activities?

Why can't you ask him to leave for a time? Maybe a week ... just to clear your head? I know this is scary.

Edited September 4, 2008 by Misshalfway

[melissar]

I agree with what other people have said that you need away from your husband for a while. You need to get into a healthy place for yourself and your kids. My prayers are with you.

[RachelleDrew]

Take care of yourself, now.

There is no way you can fix a marital relationship being as stressed out as you are (that is, if you chose to reconcile after all that garbage). There is no way you can give your kids the attention they deserve when you are so emotionally wrecked. You will have a harder time finding a job or going to school to support your children on your own if you don't mellow out. Not a single thing about your situation can change until you get yourself some emotional backup.

Go to a psychologist. Get counseling for a while, you may not need medication. BUT, if he winds up prescribing medication, don't be too proud to take it. It's not crack, it's medicine. There is nothing wrong with taking it if you absolutely need it to function. Don't let anybody make you feel bad for getting yourself help.

On another note, your husband may have some mental issues of his own, and i'm not saying that to be cruel, but if you are telling the truth about the sort of things he is saying to you simply for a reaction....that is not normal behavior. Most healthy-minded men would never say anything like that. Which makes me believe he may be sick. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but if he's mentally ill then there isn't anything that you can do to help him per se.

I'm sorry, I feel really bad when people go through this. Nobody should have to put up with this sort of crap from their husband or wife.

[countrygirl66]

I don't know much about your situation but when you mentioned foster care I thought I would let you know about a resource that may be available. I was a foster child and a foster parent. In the state of Utah the foster care system has volunteers that do what is called peer parenting. It is people that have a lot of patience and experience that offer their help with parenting issues. I would suggest that you at least look into it. It sounds like you need someone in your corner to help you get to where you can make whatever decisions would be best for you and your children.

[MorningStar]

I think it's easier for moms to take their anger out on the kids because they can't really do anything back to them. Be angry at the person who deserves it, not your kids.

When it comes to dealing with my kids, I found blogging very helpful. When they did something naughty, I would take a picture and think, "This will make a great blog later!" I always know that someone will get a great laugh out of it and I will too later. My friends were cracking-up when we had problems with our boys getting up to play at night and I threw the door open, took a picture of them, and they had that deer in the headlights expression on their faces. It was priceless. Right after I took the picture and saw how it turned out, I was already cracking-up. Try not to take things too seriously with them and do your best to deal with the real problem - your issues with your husband. And give yourself permission to cry because your anger comes from hurt. I hope you will find the help you're looking for.

[georgia2]

It sounds to me that your husband is abusive and playing mind control over you. Of course you can't be happy and of course you feel angry then sad! Who wouldn't?

I left my husband after 10 years of marriage due to the exact same things! He would tell the kids horrible things that were not true about me. He would threaten me if I left him he would get the kids. He told me no one would believe me. He was a sicky pervert too! I thought I would be a bad mother to take the kids away. I thought I shouldn't leave because w had been sealed. BUT I WAS WRONG !!!!!

I went and got a blessing from the Stake Patriarch (who was a neighbor) and the things he told me in that blessing changed my and my kids life! This man had NO CLUE what I was going through! In the blessing he told me that HEavenly FAther does not want his sons abusing his daughters. He told me that it was my decision on weather to leave, but if I did decide to leave He would not hold me responsible for the break up. He also told me that the most important things was to protect my children. I went home, packed, got the kids and went to an abused women's shelter. I felt like 20 tons had been taken off of me.

The divorce was hell! He continued to be the same person and still has not changed. at least the only time my kids had to be exposed to him was on his weekend. That was really hard, but at least they were with him only 8 days a month.

I was able to have the Spirit in my home, I was able to have Family home Evening. I was able to provide a home where no one was abusing their mother and thus abusing them..I was ale to be safe and comforted in my home. These things helped me to be a better mother, helped me to not yell so much and be upset all of the time.

Medication is not a bad thing. If you need antidepressants, TAKE EM ! It will help you to think better and make better decisions. Don't tell your crummy husband that you are taking them, he will use it against you. Talk to your Bishop, your Home teachers, your Visiting teachers. They WILL help you! Your Bishop can even help you to find a safe place to stay until you get things settled. (until your lawyer gets you the house!) The women's shelter has a whole list of resources. Your city also has organizations to help you. You just need to make the move and find out about them.. Your kids are depending on you! You are the only one that can save them!

[Vort]

Any insights?

Crazy Potato

Lots of interesting insights from people:

Fascinating responses, with a common theme: Woman is good, man is bad.

The husband claims that he has stopped his addictive behaviors. While I have my doubts that a porn viewer just up and quits one day, the OP has no evidence that her husband is in fact doing these things, and he is claiming that he isn't. She admits that he is not emotionally abusive to the extent that she has accused him of being in the past.

I don't know, do any of you live in the real world?

Do you think that "emotionally abusive" husbands don't typically live with equally "emotionally abusive" wives? Do you think that many people, perhaps more often women than men, willingly adopt the "victim" role to blame their spouses for their problems instead of manning (or womaning) up and facing their own responsibility for their misery? Have any of you ever heard the expression, "It takes two to tango"?

Do you think she had three children with this man because she was enraptured by his false presentation? Or maybe she was forcibly raped, you think?

A while back, another sister posted to this list her frustration with her husband and their marriage. In this post, she openly admitted to having committed adultery. Amazingly, almost every response was sympathetic and supportive, many being explicitly critical of her husband, and almost none mentioning that, hey, adultery is a bad thing and you should be grateful your husband is even willing to look your direction any more, much less stay married to you. So apparently, adultery isn't that big a deal, as long as you feel under a lot of stress and are angry at your spouse.

In the present case, the husband in question appears to be guilty of viewing pornography and of masturbating -- certainly an ugly set of sinful behaviors, but also certainly not rising to the level of adultery. In addition, he claims (at least) that he no longer indulges in such vices, and his wife can find no proof (yet) that he's lying. In addition, she admits that his behavior toward her has improved, and she also openly admits behaving badly toward him and toward her children. Her hatred for her husband (!!!) is so evident that it cannot be missed.

Yet, again, her husband is skewered and she is cast as the victim.

Folks, this is not merely a double standard, it is dishonest. To those whose words I listed above -- you are TELLING THIS WOMAN TO LEAVE HER HUSBAND AND ARE MAKING THE JUDGMENT THAT SHE IS RIGHT AND HE IS WRONG! Aren't you even the least bit worried about saying such things to a woman you don't even know, without even hearing her husband's perspective?

Who, exactly, died and made you God? Because Jesus said that man (or woman) should not put asunder that which God has joined. Are you even thinking about what you're writing? Don't you believe that God will hold you accountable for your words to this woman, who may be an anonymous set of words to you but who in reality is a daughter of God and an agent of her own fate?

Because he most certainly will hold you accountable for them. If you think he won't, you're fooling yourselves.

Unbelievable. Your hatred of men has gotten out of control. And if anyone cares to cry "Apples and oranges!" yet again, go back and answer my previous questions and statements first.

To the OP:

You are clearly in a world of pain and misery. My heart goes out to you. I think you need to be talking to your bishop and, probably, a counselor at least weekly. Whether you leave your husband or stay with him is a decision only you and he can make, but in either case, you must come to forgive him. The hatred you feel for him will eat you up and leave you an empty shell of a human, and your children will suffer for it. Furthermore, your children are also HIS children, and if you hate him, that hatred will inevitably seep over to his (your) children.

This is a difficult situation for you, and you have my sympathy, but no collection of anonymous people on an internet discussion board will be able to give you any significant, ongoing help. Please talk with those who can help you, and then prepare to do the hard things that you will need to do to put your life in order. Maybe your husband can and will do those things with you, but whether he does or not, you must do them so that you can be free from this pain.

God bless you.

Edited September 6, 2008 by pam
Let's keep our responses general and not pinpoint certain posters.

[crazypotato]

Okay Vort, And Everyone,

Just so you know, I told my husband last night that I thought BOTH OF US were emotionally messed up. I don't think that my husband is evil and I am a good little victim.

I think I am not able to deal right now because of so many stressors, not thinking logically, but emotionally.

I realize I am a perfect stranger to everyone here. My problem is I don't have home teachers, I don't have a normal family to ask for advice or support, I don't have friends that I feel are objective (like you said, they are all going to side with me), and I have talked to the bishop, but he basically thinks that I need someone to talk to and he didn't know what the answer was. So I tried 3 different counselors - one told me that he was a jerk and would never change. I thought that was a little harsh, so the next told me to go on anti-depressants, maybe some truth in that but at the time, I felt like it was not a good answer, and then my husband and I both went to a counselor and he was trying to teach my husband to have empathy towards me. Now this was my husband's counselor first, and I just jumped it. Then my husband said he was cured of everything and didn't need any help from anybody.

So I tried this forum because no one knows me and this is an embarrassing situation. I am ashamed of myself for screaming at my kids. I have mistreated my husband as well by trying to fix him for years. He has mistreated me by lying to me for so long that I never can believe anything he says. And the porn/masturbation, and the overspending, plus there are some questionable issues at work where I wonder if he stole some of their things. He would bring things home from work to borrow, and we would have them in our house for months and months, like digital cameras.

Basically, after being lied to for so long, I don't know who I am anymore. If that makes sense, plus my own baggage from my childhood.

Everyone has crappy stuff they deal with and I am not asking for all these people to say, "poor crazy potato lady," and "let's go hang your husband."

So chill!

Mrs. Potato-head

[checkerboy]

Hey Vort with the exception of DreamCatcher and possibly RainofGold (not sure since I am not his/her friend) most of the people offering advice here are women. Women tend to bash men when they get together. It is just in their nature. They have to fight the urge extremely hard. I know this because I was married once upon a time and saw said bashing take place. Women feel better when they are able to air their dirty laundry for some reason. I take everything said by women with a grain of salt now.