anger/rage towards husband


crazypotato
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Potato, to be clear:

My diatribe against the dishonesty I perceived was not aimed at you. I understand that you are hurting and that you are looking for some place to vent and perhaps receive a kind and consoling word. I hope you have found that. I also hope that you can find a way to move on and do the difficult but important work that lies ahead of you, perhaps even with your husband by your side.

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Women tend to bash men when they get together. It is just in their nature. They have to fight the urge extremely hard. I know this because I was married once upon a time and saw said bashing take place.

A bit of a generalization there, dear. You were married - ONCE and obviously it wasn't the best experience, but please let me assure you that there are women out there who don't jump at the chance to go down the list of things they hate about men. Trust me, imo, there's more material to work with when picking apart the female gender, looking for things to complain about (I guess that's the urge I need to try extremely hard to fight). I can't speak for all women in general but at least I've done my best to make sure I never vent to my mother, sisters and girlfriends about my husband. If I've ever really had to vent, I've found someone who doesn't have a relationship with him at all, and even then I always try to remember that if I'm critical in my judgments of him, I have to expect that he'd be just as critical with me and I'm no saint!

But for the love of Pete - enough with the generalizations!

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to Checkerboy,

she has posted several times in this one thread and she gives examples of things her husband does and says. i had a husband just like that, he did exactly the same thing. I lived it.

Men aren't always the bad guys. Women too can be abusive. In this particular case, what this woman describes is called abuse.

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Potato:

I agree with most of what has been said here. You could benefit from more professional counseling, at least weekly. You could benefit from spiritual counseling with your bishop, also perhaps weekly. It sounds as though you could also benefit from prescribed anti-depressants, though I would be careful in this area. They can occasionally have very negative side effects (mostly as you come off of them) and it's very easy to become dependent on them. They can help you bridge the gap between now and improved self-esteem (because that certainly isn't going to happen overnight -- it can take months or years), but take care not to become dependent on them, nor complacent with them. You don't want to start taking them, then say "Oh, everything's better now. I think I'll go back to the way things have always been with this family."

I also think it sounds like you and your husband need some time apart, though not necessarily a divorce right away. Someone suggested a legal separation -- this may be a good idea. But I wouldn't do it without discussing specific goals for both you and your husband to work on during that time, including that you each (separately) seek counseling.

Finally, it occurs to me that you have a responsibility to break a certain cycle. You mentioned that your mother was emotionally abused for many years by your father, but that they were not divorced until after they served a mission together. Without knowing the exact timeline, I'm guessing that means they were married for 40 years or so while your mom endured that behavior. You married into a similar-sounding situation. Do you want your children to experience that as well? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty (you already carry enough of that, it sounds like), but just to get you thinking. Your husband can change, but you cannot change him.

If you were sealed in the temple, and that is what make you hesitant to seek divorce, re-think it. If you end up deciding that divorce is in fact the route you need/want to go, know that as long as you are living worthily and keeping your covenants, you and your children will still enjoy the blessings of being sealed. Your husband will make his choices in that area.

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Hey Vort with the exception of DreamCatcher and possibly RainofGold (not sure since I am not his/her friend) most of the people offering advice here are women. Women tend to bash men when they get together. It is just in their nature. They have to fight the urge extremely hard. I know this because I was married once upon a time and saw said bashing take place. Women feel better when they are able to air their dirty laundry for some reason. I take everything said by women with a grain of salt now.

Well checkerboy for your information I am a women and I happen to like man. I have very loving and kind husband to whom I've being married for eighteen years. I just can't imagine a man mistreating a woman like that. I gave her advice as to what information she gave us.

I just don't approve or am fond of the men that tend to abuse women and belittle them.

I am sorry if you didn't have a happy relationship with a woman but we are not all the same.

RaIinofgold

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I think it's easier for moms to take their anger out on the kids because they can't really do anything back to them. Be angry at the person who deserves it, not your kids.

When it comes to dealing with my kids, I found blogging very helpful. When they did something naughty, I would take a picture and think, "This will make a great blog later!" I always know that someone will get a great laugh out of it and I will too later. My friends were cracking-up when we had problems with our boys getting up to play at night and I threw the door open, took a picture of them, and they had that deer in the headlights expression on their faces. It was priceless. Right after I took the picture and saw how it turned out, I was already cracking-up. Try not to take things too seriously with them and do your best to deal with the real problem - your issues with your husband. And give yourself permission to cry because your anger comes from hurt. I hope you will find the help you're looking for.

Wow! Thanks for this, MorningStar! You have reminded me that i need to do better at this in my life with my kids.

See, this is why i love you! You are so wise and such a good example! :)

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I am sorry. But I don't see the man bashing.

This woman posts. She is clearly in distress. Who knows what is really happening? We do the best we can to offer something helpful. When a person is in such a state of mind.....sometimes a little listening validation helps. Seeing balanced truth can come later.....with a more centered state of mind.

So....all you guys....take a pill. No one is bashing you! We love you.

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This woman posts. She is clearly in distress. Who knows what is really happening? We do the best we can to offer something helpful.

"You should leave your scumbag husband" is not helpful.

When a person is in such a state of mind.....sometimes a little listening validation helps.

"You should leave your scumbag husband" is not a little listening validation.
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Do you just automatically assume that every female in this thread is bashing men, or do you actually READ all of the posts before you make one yourself?

I don't recall saying anything cruel about her husband. In fact, I suggested that he may have a mental illness and that she should seek help with her own situation before trying to fix her relationship.

How is that bashing? I've re-read my post several times and yet still cannot find anything I said that would prove me to be man-hating.

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I'll stop generalizing when what I see changes. Whenever my sisters get together they bash guys. I have seen countless numbers of threads here that subtley bash guys. I hear the women that I work with bash guys. So yes of course there are those of you that don't do that (Honor and anyone else I offended) and to you I apologize but I still see it going on. If the shoe doesn't fit then don't wear it. If it does fit though you might think about buying a new shoe because this old one isn't very flattering.

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Same to you checkerboy! It seems you may have had a bad situation with your wife and or sisters. it seems you may have a chip on your shoulder regarding women. On one of my post you called me stupid. I was unexpectedly disappointed at the insult and nastiness on a thread that I was warmly sharing my opinion.

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Same to you checkerboy! It seems you may have had a bad situation with your wife and or sisters. it seems you may have a chip on your shoulder regarding women.

I agree with Georgia,

You probably had bad experiences with the women in your life. You don't seem to respect women or their opinions. I have read many of your posts and you tend to criticize women more than you realize.

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Georgia please refer me to the post in which I called you stupid. If I actually did that then I apologize.

And Rain it is funny that you don't think that I respect women seeing as about some of the best friends I have in the world are women from this site.

I will admit that I have had bad experiences with women. But I just call things like I see them. I made it clear in my last post that I don't believe that all women bash men. But there have been so many threads here where, as Vort pointed out, the women receive a pass on their behavior and the men are severly chastised.

Now back to the OP's topic, she reminds me alot of my ex. She would scream and yell at me and our kids. I once suggested that she had rage issues and she got extremely defensive. The only person you can take care of is yourself. If your husband wants to treat you like dirt you can't change what he does. You can decide though to not feel like dirt and not take those feelings out on your kids. I came to the bitter realization that my ex, due to our situation, was probably gonna keep me from seeing my boys as often as I wanted. Sure that upset me, but instead of being bitter about it I make the most of what time I have with them. That is all I can do. I can't change her decisions, I can't change what she tells them about me, all I can change is what I do. So to the OP do what you can for yourself, whatever that is and you will find if you choose the right you will be happy.

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Georgia please refer me to the post in which I called you stupid. If I actually did that then I apologize.

And Rain it is funny that you don't think that I respect women seeing as about some of the best friends I have in the world are women from this site.

I will admit that I have had bad experiences with women. But I just call things like I see them. I made it clear in my last post that I don't believe that all women bash men. But there have been so many threads here where, as Vort pointed out, the women receive a pass on their behavior and the men are severly chastised.

Now back to the OP's topic, she reminds me alot of my ex. She would scream and yell at me and our kids. I once suggested that she had rage issues and she got extremely defensive. The only person you can take care of is yourself. If your husband wants to treat you like dirt you can't change what he does. You can decide though to not feel like dirt and not take those feelings out on your kids. I came to the bitter realization that my ex, due to our situation, was probably gonna keep me from seeing my boys as often as I wanted. Sure that upset me, but instead of being bitter about it I make the most of what time I have with them. That is all I can do. I can't change her decisions, I can't change what she tells them about me, all I can change is what I do. So to the OP do what you can for yourself, whatever that is and you will find if you choose the right you will be happy.

Checkerboy,

Let me share this with you. Early this year I joined this site excited to know that there was a place where I could make lds friends. That same day I went into the chat room, and you where there. Why do I remember your name out all the other ones? simple You were very rude to me, without even knowing that it was my first time on chat you made me not want to come back. I sent Heather a message and asked her to removed my name because I no longer wanted to be a member of this site. When I saw your profile and said senior member I assumed you were one of the people in charge of this site so I no longer wanted to part of it. Just last month I joined again with a different user name and went to the chat room, thankfully you weren't there, the first person that I remember chatting with is Fent, she couldn't be nicer, she made me feel welcome and glad to be part of this site again. So, from personal experience I can tell you that you don't respect women.

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You can not leave the kids in an place that has that much stuff going on. Kids at that young of an age are soaking all that hate in. I am not joking or kidding around. It is not healthy for you or your kids. If you can not get past his past you need to move on. If not for yourself for your children. The yelling is just as bad as beating your children. You just don't see the scars til later in life. Get yourself some help!!!!!FAST!!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Change starts with you. You can not force your husband to change, however, if you change yourself, over time, positive things will happen for your family.

Go to a psychiatrist they are the ones who can prescribe medication, though you may have to go through a psychologist first. Get on anti-depressants, or whatever it is your psych thinks you need. Right now you need to be clear headed and doing it alone clearly not working just from the statements you've made. You're abusing your children with the constant yelling, and I know that often the angry yelling can quickly lead to shoving, pushing, kicking and harmful spanking. Your children are innocent, and they love you so much. They just want Mommy to be happy, and right now they are scared and worried about you and ironically the only way they can express that right now is by acting out, which probably causes you to yell at them more. Be calm with them. They are YOUR children, and you are the most important person in their life right now.

If you can't work to fix yourself for you, do it for them. Go to church, learn how to feel the Spirit again, for them. Get your head and emotions straightened out, for them. Learn patience, for them. Even if things do not work out with your husband, you can still have your children with you, forever. Isn't that worth the effort?

Stop yelling at your husband. Your fueling his fire. My brother has anger issues. I remember dealing with my brother as he went on a tirade I would get mad right back at him and it would escalate. Then I saw my mother deal with him at a different time. She never got mad. She just watched, listened, and waited. He calmed down in fifteen minutes (as opposed to a few hours), sat down and talked to my mother a little bit and was fine for the rest of the night. It was amazing.

I will tell you want helped me in my life and with my marriage.

Have faith, even just a little. That's how trust can be rebuilt. If your husband is telling you the truth about quitting porn and no longer lying, your relationship will still be doomed because of a lack of faith in him.

Obtain the book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel G. Amen. It will help you be a better you. Also, here is a website that has some basic info that may be helpful to you. The chapters listed are rather short so it shouldn't be too difficult to read through them. http://amenclinics.com/bp/atlas/

Here are 7 Ways to Optimize Your Brain and Your Life. http://www.amenclinics.com/bp/care/optimize.php

Here are the 50 Brain Dos and Don'ts. http://www.amenclinics.com/bp/care/dosdonts.php

Pray, every day, fervently. Pray for guidance, to help you know what to do each day, and when, where, how, what to say, and when to say things. Pray to be calm of heart and clear of mind. Have faith in the Lord. Trust Him. The Power of Prayers is at your finger tips. The Power of Prayer is on your lips. You have only to use it. It may feel awkward at first and that's okay. In fact, feel free to rant to God about everything! I've done that and I always feel better afterwards.

You're in my prayers

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