In need of some clean humor!


Angelkajm
 Share

Recommended Posts

This guy walks into a bar and sees this older couple who looks very happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know.

The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?"

The older couple says "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!!!"

"3 years!!!" the bartender said "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle."

"Oh yes it does" said the couple " It said so right on the box 2 to 3 years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 1.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

A father asks his 8-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Now that I'm 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups really don't have sex when they get married, I'll have nothing left to live for."

*edited for site appropriateness*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've probably seen this before but worth a second read....

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please “rise” to the occasions and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who “kneads” it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest SisterofJared

That Pillsbury Dough Boy made me think of Johnny Carson. I could hear him delivering that word for word... knew where he paused, and heard the audience laugh with it. Johnny Carson was the best.

Sister of Jared

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."

"And you know what?" he said.

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some old but still fun riddles....

Why can’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

What do you call a skeleton in a closet?

The winner of a hide and seek game.

Why didn’t the sesame seed leave Las Vegas?

He was on a roll.

What did the Chicken say when she saw a plate of scrambled eggs?

Oh, my mixed up kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."

"And you know what?" he said.

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

When I first read that I read "Susie's handbag"

LOL!!! :lol: my bad?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... he is using words like:

DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One night at about 2:00 a.m., two bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing.

"Hey, you wanna go and get some blood?"

The other bat said, "Now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 o'clock in the morning?"

So the other bat said, "If you don't want to go, fine, I'll go by myself."

About 30 minutes later, the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body. The second bat said, "Hey where did you get all that blood?"

The first bat said, "See that tree over there?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I didn't."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that her ticket is for Economy Class and that she will have to leave the First Class Section.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant then alerts the pilot and co-pilot of the situation.

The co-pilot tells the blonde that she will have to move back to Economy Class.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot asks, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asks him what he said make her move without any fuss.

The pilot smiled. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to

be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get

it wrong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

:rofl::roflmbo::rofl::roflmbo::rofl:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella." After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?"

Her reply was very simple, "Because you have to tell it what to do."

Groan....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A FELLOW COMPUTER PROGRAMMER for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He requested my assistance in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work, with me just doing corrections and inputting data. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I replied that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get real nervous around smart people."

Sigh...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I got this from the 101 Missionary Stories, by Mike Bingham

Neck Tie

"In Denver, Colorado, Elder Neal received a tie from his older brother for his birthday. It was black and white and not particularly stylish, but it was new and a gift so he wore it without giving it much thought. That is until he turned out the lights at an investigator's home to show a video and the glow-in-the-dark words "Kiss Me" appeared on the tie."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why do morons like lightning?

They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?

Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back at him.

How did the moron fall on the floor?

He tripped over the cordless phone.

How did the moron try to kill a bird?

He threw it off a mountain cliff !

Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?

To see what was on the other side!

How do you confuse a moron?

Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?

It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?

Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".

Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"

and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why can't a moron dial 911?

He can't find the 11 on the phone!

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cartoon: "Elder Lee"

Posted Image

From Two by Two by Darold Westover

In sacrament meeting recently, our 3 1/2 year old daughter was so excited to take the sacrament. After the bread came, she looked at her dad and said "That was a great snack". Her dad explained to her that it was called the sacrament. Then she said to her dad "That was a great 'snackrament'!"

--Debbie LeBaron - Clearfield, Utah, USA

My little 6 year old granddaughter leaned over to her Mother during the announcements at Sacrament Meeting one Sunday. She whispered, "Who IS Bishop RICK?"

--Mickie Neilson - LaCanada, CA, USA

The question arose in our Ward's Adult Family Home Evening asking, "Are we dependent upon food to sustain us in the Spirit World?"

The answer from the instructor was, "No; that food is not necessary when you no longer have a Telestial body."

The next response we heard came from someone in the group, "Good. Think of all the money we'll save."

--G. R. Kane - Idaho, USA

I enjoy substituting in the junior primary on a regular basis. One Sunday, sharing time centered around baptism. The leader showed the word "immersion" on the chalkboard. We all repeated "immersion" after her, then the leader explained what immersion means. After that a boy who was recently baptized, told about his baptism and the way his daddy lowered him under the water while he held his nose and it was called immersion. In conclusion the leader said "We want to be baptized the same way Jesus was... how? A small hand went up, and a little voice said "in the river Jordan".

--P. Bond, Arizona, USA

I was teaching the High Priest while a list was being passed around concerning making 72 hour kits. We made them three years ago therefore some of the items were not edible. The day before I looked at the kit I had and it had expired. The three years had past. I asked the brethren, "How long does a 72 hour kit last?"

I was holding three fingers up to help them with the answer that I never received.

--Brent H. Babcock - Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA

My daughter had recently been called to be the Nursery teacher and the children adored her. Shortly thereafter, President Monson was sustained as the new Prophet, Seer & Revelator of the Church. One of my daughter's friends related this story to her:

Their Home Teachers came to visit and they were discussing Conference where all this had happened. Being a good Home Teacher, he tried to include all the children in his visit. Nearing the end of his visit he asked the three year old if he knew who the new President of the Church was. The young boy instantly replied "Sister Tobler" (his Nursery teacher)

--Donna Maldonado

Reference: Latterday Humor

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share