In need of some clean humor!

[nbblood]

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."

"That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Moksha]

"Look, all I'm saying is next time try to get one

that actually fits on top of the tree."

[mordorbund]

2012 - The Year Krypton Invades...

[Guest kangyutao]

The menacing campaigns that drive the New York Escort corporate spyware and adware market is developing way out of hand. Who are these companies and how do they New York Escorts get away with it? They are costing computer users millions with their sneakware system of promotional crap!We have New York Asian Escort some serious problems. These narcissistic bugger programmers that develop application and browser hijackers, pop-up pushers, adware scam New York Asian Escort and other bogus blots of code that only make life worse, need to be taught a lesson or two.

[pam]

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh ... I'd better go check."

After a while, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[pam]

Two men are talking by the water cooler about the infidelities of an office Romeo.

"I do not know how he gets away with it," the one fellow says. "The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is zip her up."

[pam]

"You just go ahead," a man in a shopping mall says to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, the wife returns and sees him at the checkout counter. The clerk is ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
"Are you buying all this?" his wife asks incredulously.

"Well, yes," the fellow says, somewhat embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he adds, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."

[pam]

A rookie police officer is out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call comes in telling them to disperse some people who are loitering.

The officers drive to the street and observe a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolls down his window and says, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moves, so he barks again, "Let's get off that corner, NOW!"

Intimidated, the people begin to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turns to his partner. "Well, how did I do?" he asks.

"Pretty good," the vet says, chuckling, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[pam]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother said, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[pam]

While a woman goes out shopping, her husband decides to take advantage of her absence to paint the toilet seat. Then he goes off to the hardware store.

Unfortunately, while he's gone, the wife comes home and sits on the toilet and it sticks to her rear.

The man comes home to find his wife screaming. He removes the seat from the toilet, wraps a large overcoat around his wife and drives her to the doctor.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts the coat to show her predicament. "Ever see anything like this before, Doc?" he asks.

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

Edited July 22, 2010 by pam

[pam]

Consider the young couple, just married, who fly off to spend their honeymoon on an exotic island. As night falls on their first day together, the bride dresses in a provocative negligee and slips into bed.

The bridegroom, however, is still fully dressed and sits gazing out of the window onto the beach.

"Why don't you undress and come to bed?" his bride asks.

"Never mind me," he says. "You go to sleep. My mother told me that this would be the most wonderful night that I will see, and I don't want to miss a minute of it."

[pam]

Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches and other valuables.

While this is going on, one lawyer jams something into his colleague's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is that?"

Says the first lawyer, "It's that $50 I owe you."

[pam]

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"

"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."

[mormonboy51]

I was weeding our lawn when my mom yelled at me to stop using my nice jeans. She made me go inside and change into a pair of jeans that are worn instead of the ones i had on that looked worn. That got me thinking. Why do people spend 50-100$ to buy jeans that look worn then throw out the worn jeans?

[candyprpl]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

Ralph, for THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

[pam]

A 3-year-old boy goes with his dad to see a new litter of kittens at a neighbor's house.

On returning home, he breathlessly tells his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How do you know that?" his mother asks.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replies. "I think it's printed on their stomachs."

[havejoy]

A 3-year-old boy goes with his dad to see a new litter of kittens at a neighbor's house.

On returning home, he breathlessly tells his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How do you know that?" his mother asks.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replies. "I think it's printed on their stomachs."

We really need an "awwwww" button.

[pam]

Photographers usually let their work speak for itself. One, however, has to deal with a woman who's unhappy with the formal portrait he took of her and is loud about it.

Waving the photo in his face, she says, "This really doesn't do me justice."

"You don't need justice," the photographer says. "You need sympathy."

[pam]

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the man's photograph, questioned the wife, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

[Truegrits]

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."http://www.funnyhumor.com/viewcount.php?type=joke&id=181&s=

[pam]

Two sweet young things are driving through Louisiana. When they reach the town of Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch.

As they stand at the counter, one asks the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please tell us where we are? We're having trouble deciding how to pronounce it."

The manager leans over the counter and says, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

[pam]

A wool peddler in a small town very long ago pulls his cart of wool from his farm to the village market. It is a long and tiring trip. He has to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that is owned by the town tycoon, a notoriously ill-tempered old man.

One day, during the winter, the lake freezes over. As he's heading for the village, the peddler realizes he can cut two miles off his trip if he crosses over the lake, so he trudges out onto the ice.

He's about halfway across when the owner spots him from an upstairs room. The old man throws open a window, waves his cane at the peddler and shouts, "Get off my lake. I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice."

[orrinjelo]

There's a story my grandpa used to tell about his grandpa, who was the first of the family to settle in Pleasant Grove. He raised a horse called Nelly, and trained it very well so that it obeyed his every command. "Let's go faster," he'd say, so Nelly would. "Wait here," and she did. "Whoa, Nelly," and she stopped on a dime.

One day he was wandering in the mountains above PG with Nelly when Nelly lost her footing and they both fell off a cliff. Midway down, he shouted, "Whoa, Nelly!" and she stopped in mid-air. Thanks to Nelly, they both survived that day.

There were some Ute indians in the area that caused a bunch of ruckus by stealing the settler's horses. One day, Grandpa woke up to find that the horse was stolen. He tracked the indians down and to his dismay, he found them eating poor Nelly. He came out of hiding, alerting the indians who began to run away. As they did, he called out, "Whoa Nelly!" Each of the indians stopped in their tracks, fell and choked on the horse meat they were all eating. Never again was there a horse like Nelly.

[Moksha]

Police Warning: Lock Your Doors

BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME

A Rochester, Minnesota man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his ear.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[Truegrits]

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"