In need of some clean humor!

[Palerider]

Three boys standing in the schoolyard bragging about their Father's. The first boy says,"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him 50.00 dollars. The second boy says,"Thats nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him 100.00 dollars. The third boy says,"I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect alll the money.

[Palerider]

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his Mother cooked.

[Hemidakota]

Ryan was on only child who really wanted a brother to play with. Each evening, when his mother and father kneeled beside him, Ryan would pray for a little brother.

After many months of asking and nothing happening, Ryan finally stopped praying for a brother. During this time, Sister Pitcher was expecting a child, and she eventually delivered twin boys.

"Wow!" Ryan exclaimed when he heard the news. "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 67).

[Palerider]

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter.

[Palerider]

A Sunday School teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? Annie replied,"Because people are sleeping".

[pam]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

[pam]

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride, I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicking her in the chin.

Edited January 1, 2009 by pam

[Truegrits]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Truegrits]

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

[Mormonatalie]

Things right now in my life seem to be a crazy mess. I am so stressed that I can hardly sleep at night...............................so I am wondering if anyone has any funny stories to tell that might cheer me and everyone else up? In desperate need of some laughter...............oh and please keep it clean!

Q: What do ducks get after they eat?

A: A bill!

[Palerider]

When Jack Buck was alive he was the voice of the St Louis Cradinals Baseball team. He told a story while in a major league city. He called room service and oredered breakfast. He said he wanted 2 pieces of burnt toast and 2 eggs under cooked and 2 pieces of rubber bacon and a glass of watered down tomato juice and a cup of cold coffee. The voice at the other end said, "Mr Buck you know we don't serve that here" to which he replied....thats funny, thats what I got yesterday....:)

[Mahone]

This is for those who have listened to the original song "the boy does nothing" by Alesha Dixon. If you haven't heard it, listen to it on the youtube link below:

YouTube - Alesha Dixon - The Boy Does Nothing *Full* & Lyrics

Right, now the parody. The above song is basically a woman having a go at a guy for doing nothing. Below is the guys response:

YouTube - Adrian Dixon - The Boy Does Plenty - Chris Moyles Show Parody

All you men out there will understand :)

EDIT: For the non-British folks, I forgot to mention "bird" is British slang for a woman.

Edited January 3, 2009 by Mahone

[Truegrits]

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

[pam]

TG kind of to go along with that last joke. When I found out I was having twin boys...my dad suggested I name them Pete and Repeat.

[daenvgiell]

Q. What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

A. "A net"

[skippy740]

Q. What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

A. "A net"

I once write an ad to sell a "Claire-Annette". I took the idea from a Zig Ziglar tape I had a few years ago.

[pam]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

[pam]

One afternoon a boy asks his father, "Where is your Visa card, Dad?"

"You know that when I was held up, the robber stole it from me," the father responds.

"Sure, Dad," the boy says, "but that was six months ago. Haven't you reported that?"

"Look, my boy," the father says. "The robber using it is costing me less than when your mother had it."

[Truegrits]

A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer didn't answer. So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.

After the man had gone about 100 yards, the farmer yelled to him and said, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired, "Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Well," said the farmer, "I didn't know how fast you could walk."

[Truegrits]

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Edited January 5, 2009 by Truegrits

[pam]

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch or a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon.

"Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter.

"Afternoon." says the farmer.

"Where you headed?" asks Walter.

"Town." says the farmer.

"What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.

"Manure."

"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"

"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly.

"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."

[pam]

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting.

He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

[rameumptom]

For those of you who missed church on Sunday

Here is a recap!

http://mail.google.com/mail/h/8g3rq8cqonul/?view=att&th=11ea7c6871f25352&attid=0.1.0.1&disp=emb&zw

Four Worms and a lesson

http://mail.google.com/mail/h/8g3rq8cqonul/?view=att&th=11ea7c6871f25352&attid=0.1.0.2&disp=emb&zw

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon

The Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol

Dead

http://mail.google.com/mail/h/8g3rq8cqonul/?view=att&th=11ea7c6871f25352&attid=0.1.0.3&disp=emb&zw

The second worm in cigarette smoke

Dead

http://mail.google.com/mail/h/8g3rq8cqonul/?view=att&th=11ea7c6871f25352&attid=0.1.0.4&disp=emb&zw

Third worm in chocolate syrup

Dead

http://mail.google.com/mail/h/8g3rq8cqonul/?view=att&th=11ea7c6871f25352&attid=0.1.0.5&disp=emb&zw

Fourth worm in good clean soil

Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine who was sitting in the back

Quickly raised her hand and said,

http://mail.google.com/mail/h/8g3rq8cqonul/?view=att&th=11ea7c6871f25352&attid=0.1.0.6&disp=emb&zw

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate

You won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

[pam]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[pam]

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.