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Angelkajm

In need of some clean humor!

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The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."

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Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving his empty glass in the air.

The head waiter turns to another waiter and says, "I think there's a fish out of water."

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

A passenger asks the captain, "Who is that man, and why is he so upset?"

"I've no idea," the captain says, "but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

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A Sunday school teacher is discussing the Ten Commandments with her young students. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asks, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answers, "Thou shall not kill."

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A blonde calls up her friend and asks her if she can come over and help her with this awesome puzzle she just got.

Well, the friend figured "Hey, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so what have I got to loose?"

The friend goes over to the blonde's house and tells her to show him the puzzle.

The blonde takes her friend into the kitchen and the friend asks the blonde what the puzzle was supposed to be a picture of.

The blonde replied "a tiger".

The friend looks at the box the blonde showed her and said:

"Well, 2 things: #1, this puzzle will NEVER look like a tiger, and #2, put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

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The boss walks into his employee's office. "I've decided to use humor in the office," he says. "Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times like this ... when the work force is being trimmed."The boss then starts telling a joke ... "Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not you anymore."

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'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of crap.'

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Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge."

"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

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At a dinner party, several of the guests are arguing over whether men or women are more trustworthy.

"No woman can keep a secret," says one man scornfully.

"I don't know about that," answers a woman. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insists.

"I hardly think so," she responds. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

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Comments made in the year 1957:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5,000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, the boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With the Wind,' it seems every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt it will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." "No one can afford to be sick anymore; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

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We live in a rural area. Our neighbor who is somewhat odd was arrested last nite.

Seems yesterday afternoon he drove into Walmarts and purchased several boxes of

dry cereal. Went home, after getting drunk, he decided to sit the boxes of cereal on the

fence posts and started shooting them with his rifle.

The police came and arrested him. The charged him with (See below)

Being a cereal Killer.

Edited by lilered

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There was a blond, brunette, and a redhead that had just robbed a store.

The cops spotted them, so they started to run.

They saw a barn and ran into it. Once inside -- they found three potato bags that they hid in.

The cops saw them enter the barn and went in to find the three robbers.

The cops saw the three sacks moving so they went to investigate.

A cop kicked the first bag, which was the brunette's.

She said "woof, woof." They thought it was just some little puppies.

He went over to the redheads bag and kicked it.

She said "meow, meow." They thought it was just some kittens.

Then the cops went to the last bag which was the blondes.

They kicked it and she said "potato, potato."

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A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years.

One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

"What happened?" his new cellmate asked.

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

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Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "Keep tightly closed."

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K, these are not funny but they are clean so here u go:

Q. How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a lightbulb.

A. Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for "the paper", one to sell you "the paper" and another to follow you home and ask why you weren't at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.

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One day very early in Dolly Partons career, she was being interviewed for a job.

They asked her what she could do.

She responded, I can stand, but will need a little help so I don't fall forward.

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The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Tommy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "You don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Tommy corrected. "It means the car won't start."

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A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette wheel, she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and the number 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

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Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

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"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

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Minnesota vs America, Cold Weather Behavior:

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.

40 above zero: Import cars won't start. Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below z ero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won't start.

460 below zero (Celsus - absolute zero on the Kelvin scale): ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota can be heard to say, "Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.

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Ok this is one my son asked me...

"Mom, have you ever seen the movie Constipated?"

"No." I replied

"Good, because it never came out!"

Edited by Kapeenee
cuz I can't spell worth beans...

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