In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

[pam]

A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like Venice with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos."

"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."

[pam]

One day a college professor of psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

[Dr T]

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

[lilered]

A little Indian boy asked his father how indian children got their names.

His dad said: I named each of you after the first thing I saw when you were born. Example, your big sister Red Bird, I named after a beautiful Cardinal sitting in the large tree outside of our teepee. Your older brother, Flying Eagle I named when I walked out and saw a beautiful eagle flying high in the big blue sky.

Why do you ask "Large Dog Squatting"?

[sakuragirl]

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for the lesson, I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week at the beginning of the class, the teacher said, "Now all who have prepared for today’s lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please come to the front." Half the class stood up and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk speak to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark!"

[sakuragirl]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

[Dr T]

When is a school paper not a school paper?

When it's turned into the teacher.

[pam]

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

[pam]

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day, a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home. She's gone down to the crick to wash clothes. But lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My Gosh, how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid the mirror in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn two or three times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

So one evening, after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

[pam]

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Streetlight: The first person waiting for a green light is the LAST to see it and the person at the end is the first.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

[sakuragirl]

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…

[sakuragirl]

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, “no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says “no”!

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?”

[sakuragirl]

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

[Dr T]

What do flies wear on their feet?

Shoos.

[pam]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[pam]

At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill. She asked, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

[Batmanifestdestiny]

Confucious say:

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.

[pam]

That's gross but funny.

[Dr T]

What's Mary short for?

She's got no legs.

[Tarnished]

The story about the missionaries that played pranks on each other reminded me of this. My mother was asked to give the closing prayer in sacrament meeting one Sunday, at the time she was the Relief Society President of the ward and during the meeting she went to help a woman who was having some trouble out in the foyer. When she came back in the first speaker had just finished and the ward was singing the rest hymn. After the hymn the next speaker took a little while to start getting up to give their talk, so my mother, not realizing where the meeting was, thought that everyone was waiting for her to give the closing prayer and hurried up to the front where she was stopped by the Bishop and told that it was not yet time for her to give the closing prayer. She returned to her seat quite embarrassed but with a very amusing story.

This story was told to me by a college friend. She comes from family of seven and her youngest brother sometimes has problems keeping quiet in sacrament meeting (what child doesn't) so to try and keep him quiet her mother would whisper to him "Shhh, Jesus wants you to be quiet" So one Sunday during the passing of the sacrament he is being noisy and her mother leans over and whispers, "Shhh, Jesus wants you to be quiet" and her little brother yells back, "I HATE JESUS!" Needless to say that her mother was mortified. And probably stopped using that tactic to get her son to quiet down.

[Dr T]

What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?

A tuba toothpaste.

[sakuragirl]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

[sakuragirl]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet

Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

[lilered]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

> Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was

> one of my favorite toys.

>

> Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I

> brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several

> cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

>

> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of

> tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure

> enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she

> watches him drink it up.

>

> Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)

>

> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water

> is the toilet?