pam Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 The US has succeeded in building a super computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Three friends die in a car accident and go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference for the children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truegrits Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Confucius say:Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary. Did not get why this was funny...(I am a literal person) After many readings, I am assuming the peas = pees... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Did not get why this was funny...(I am a literal person) After many readings, I am assuming the peas = pees... Yayyyy you got it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 What are crisp in milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truegrits Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 What are crisp in milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them?Mice Krispies! My "GROAN" button wouldn't work... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Yeah, that belonged on my "Lame jokes thread but this one was up so I did it here" hahaha===A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siouxz72 Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 (edited) So, when I got home from work today I was on the phone with my friend who ended up talking to my 13 yo daughter... he was like.. Hey, Katie, what's up? and she was like..nothing... and they talked a few more minutes and he was like, well, aren't you going to ask me what's up? ..so, she was all.. what's up? and he was all.. nothing, why do you ask? ahahahhaahahah!!! she didn't get it neither did ivy Edited January 27, 2009 by siouxz72 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 (edited) Hahahaha it could have been funny but I bet it would take good timing S. Edited January 27, 2009 by Dr T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siouxz72 Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hahahaha, he should have asked, "What's new?" and then asked her, "Are u going to ask me what new?"... that would have been better! (imo)why do you have to go around fixing my joke??? jeepers mister! why you gotta be so mean? and to me? i'm nothing but sweetness and light (as my daddy would be happy to tell you) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 I changed it back to something else and u weren't supposed to see my thought about that one. I must have had to be there I guess. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siouxz72 Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 yeah i guess so.. and it was all in the timing! you're so right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sakuragirl Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sakuragirl Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.... How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English??? There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP .. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP . One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP , so .... Time to shush UP .....! Oh...one more thing:! What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U P !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Ask me if I'm a tree. Huh? Ask me if I'm a tree. Are you a tree? No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sakuragirl Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truegrits Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truegrits Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 A Senator, a Clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers in a small plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot announced, "We'll have to bail out. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes. I have a wife and seven small children. My family needs me. I'm taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!"And he jumped. Then the Senator said, "I am the smartest politician in the world. The country needs me; I'm taking one of the parachutes."And he jumped. The Clergyman said to the Boy Scout, "I've had a good life and yours is still ahead of you. You take the last parachute." The youth shrugged and said, "Don't need to. There are two parachutes left. The smartest politician in the world just jumped with my knapsack!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truegrits Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 What goes eek, eek, bang? A mouse in a minefield! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 A lady went into a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said. He showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet," he said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 (edited) One day, there was a knock on the pope's office door. When he answered it, the salesman said, "Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you." After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, "I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken.'" The pope said, "I'm sorry, we just cannot do that." The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to $4 million. The pope gently declined, again. The next week, the salesman came again and offered the pope an offering of $10 million. The pope said, "Let me think it over." The pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, "Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us $10 million to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken.' "The bad news is, we will lose the Wonder Bread contract." Edited January 28, 2009 by pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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