In need of some clean humor!


Angelkajm
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From Dear Abby: Every time people insist they're right, I recall a story I read somewhere about a husband who insisted that his wife was becoming hard of hearing and planned to prove it.

While working in the back yard one day, he stood a distance behind her and said,

Martha, can you hear me?" No response. Moving closer, he repeated: "Martha, can you hear me?" Still no response. He moved closer still and said, "Now can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, yes".

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Both of my parents work and lead very busy lives. So my father was bound to forget their wedding anniversary.

Remembering at the last minute, he sped to the stationery store, flew through the door, and breathlessly asked the salesclerk, "Where are the Anniversary cards?"

To his surprise, he heard my mother call out, "Over here, Bill."

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card... and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men

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This is for all of us who are seniors -- for all of you who know seniors -- and for all of you who are only too fast becoming seniors. It pays to be able to be able to laugh about it!

So here's an example of a typical senior moment:

"Where the heck is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office demanded loudly.

"Madam," replied the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she was heard to mutter: "Well, crap... so that's why no one was at church today."

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A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."

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Back in 1996, the Atlanta Olympic Games were tough to get tickets to. Three locals came up with a scheme to sneak in, pretending to be athletes.

The first grabbed a long pipe off his plumber's van and entered, telling the security officer: "Johnson, pole vault."

The second grabbed a hub cap out of his truck, and ran past the guard shouting, "Billy Joe Anderson, discus!"

The last got a large roll of barbed wire from his truck, but was stopped at the gate when he said, "Smith, fencing."

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"Painting the Church"

There was a Scottish painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside.

Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn , surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

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Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.

With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.

Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

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The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

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A young boy goes to see the doctor. He has a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in his ear.

He says to the doctor, "I don't feel so good."

The doctor replies, "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"

*********************************************************

What is the quietest sport in the world?

Bowling...because you can hear a pin drop! :D

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Back in 1996, the Atlanta Olympic Games were tough to get tickets to. Three locals came up with a scheme to sneak in, pretending to be athletes.

.....

The last got a large roll of barbed wire from his truck, but was stopped at the gate when he said, "Smith, fencing."

Hey! I resemble that joke!

Rameumptom Smith

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

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After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in First Aid."

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling the doctor," she said, "I'm already here."

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A father often read Bible stories to his young children.

One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

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A woman becomes ill at home, and her husband calls 911 to get an ambulance. The operator says she'll send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" the operator asks.

"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," says the anxious husband.

"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asks.

There is a long pause. Finally the man says, "How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"

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This is an old one but oh well.

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself

to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

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