In need of some clean humor!


Angelkajm
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A Russian couple walking down a street in Moscow, when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining,"

he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear,"

she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it,"

the man says.

"Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course"

Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists,

"I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says,

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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If ever there was a joke looking for a fist fight it's this one!

Male Vs. Female At The Atm Machine

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.'

'After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents

on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone .

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

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and then the fight started

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunk n lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.

" He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" Nah, she can order for herself.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started .....

------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Edited by pam
Some Jokes were deleted-offensive by Pale...I just cleaned it up a bit so as to not take up so much room.
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Guest Godless

Another military joke.

A soldier and a marine walk into a latrine (hey, that rhymes :lol:). They both do their business. The marine walks to the sink and the soldier walks to the door. The marine says "Hey soldier, aren't you going to wash your hands?" The soldier replies "No. In the Army, they teach us not to pee on them."

Edited by Godless
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While a farm girl was milking a cow, a bull tore across the meadow toward her. The girl did not stir, but continued milking.

Observers, who had run to safety, saw to their amazement that the bull stopped dead within a few yards of the girl, turned round and walked sadly away.

"Weren't you afraid?" asked everyone.

"Certainly not," said the girl. "I happened to know this cow is his mother-in-law."

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Two men who have had a drink or two too many wander into a zoo. As they stagger past the lion cage, the king of beasts lets out a terrific roar.

"C'mon, let's get out of here," says the first man.

"You go ahead if you want to," his friend replies. "I'm gonna stay for the movie!"

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A middle-aged woman Seemed sheepish as she Visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years.

There's nothing you can't tell me.' 'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'

'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' she implored.

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting Hand on her shoulder.

'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)

'You're simply going through the change! :D:wackokid:

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I've been reading. . .but haven't caught up recently so I don't know if this has been posted, so forgive me if it has.

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

> > FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

> > PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

> > TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

> > HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

> > SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

> > WEB PAGES:

> > Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

> > TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

> > EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

> > HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

> > THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

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I hope this hasn't been posted yet. . .

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

> > FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

> > PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

> > TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

> > HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

> > SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

> > WEB PAGES:

> > Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

> > TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

> > EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

> > HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

> > THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

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Mildred the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's buisness. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member of being an alcholic after she saw his old pick up parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny...he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pick up in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

You gotta love Elmer.

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Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.

The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.

Alice: How do you know I'm mad?

The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

Alice: And how do you know that you're mad?

The Cat: To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?

Alice: I suppose so,

The Cat: Well, then, you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.

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Mildred the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's buisness. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member of being an alcholic after she saw his old pick up parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny...he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pick up in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

You gotta love Elmer.

haha good joke except I posted it not long ago. Gotta keep up with the jokes here.

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,

"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

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The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

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