In need of some clean humor!

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Tracting Santa

From Mission Mania by Val C. Bagley

After buying a new winter coat for our three year old son, we counseled him to take good care of it and not damage or misplace it. He was doing a pretty good job of it too. But one day he came in from playing outside with a forlorn look on his face. "Mom, I lost a button," he confessed, pointing to the bare spot where the button had been. Then beaming ear to ear he held out the other side of his coat and proudly proclaimed, "But the hole is still here!" --Kathleen Ryan, Goshen, Alabama, USA

We were vsiting a friend of ours, a religion and philosophy professor, when my youngest son Ryley grabbed a few books from the shelves, and was 'reading' them. He finally chose one and was reading it intently. Considering he couldn't read, we were amused, until he brought us the book he was reading. He said, "I'm reading this book in my mind". It was the Book of Mormon. That is not the humorous part because then he said, "I was reading another book, but it was messing with my mind. I'll show it to you." It was an Intro to Philosophy book! --Kathryn McDaniel, Quincy, Illinois, USA

Many years ago, I was one of the sunbeam teachers in our ward. One of my sunbeams had something to tell me, so he quickly raised his hand. Instead of calling me Sister Webb, he called me spider Webb. The other teacher and I got a big kick out it. --Sheralyn Webb, Layton, Utah, USA

Last year I had the opportunity to be my oldest sons primary teacher. Every week my stomach dropped as he raised his hand to answer a question. One week, the Primary President showed a picture of Joseph Smith's First Vision. She told the primary children that we looked like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Then she asked, "Does Heavenly Father have fingers like us?" "Yes," all the kids shouted. Does Heavenly Father have toes? "Yes," was again the resounding response. Then she said, "Well, how do we know?" In a very "matter of fact" way, my five-year-old raised his hand and said, looking at the picture, "Because He doesn't have any shoes on." --Erika Kunzler, Maplewood, Minnesota, USA

This past Sunday the Primary children were giving their presentation. One small sunbeam got up and delivered his line which ended with, "We will obey the Prophet who is..." and in unison the rest of the Primary children said... "Thomas S Monson" to which immediately following from the back of the chapel a little voice yells out as clear as a bell..."Now spell Santa!" --Melanie Killman, Castleton, Ontario, CANADA

Credit: Latterdayreview.com

[pam]

Two women of a certain age are chatting over tea one morning.

"You know, dear," says one coyly, "the gentleman I've been seeing told me last night that I'm beautiful with my new dentures."

"Get rid of him," the other says. "You can find someone with better eyesight."

[pam]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Truegrits]

(From A Mother With Love)

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Love, Mom

[omega0401]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. Because they both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that that husband would fly to Florida on Thursday and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.

There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidently left off one letter in her address and sent the email without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" after a heart attack.

The widow checked her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer message which read:

To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I've Arrived!!

I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you here. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

[pam]

I've seen that one before and even reading it again made me LOL.

[Truegrits]

A little boy was in a relative''s wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

[Truegrits]

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a Band Aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

[Tough Grits]

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them. :lol:

[pam]

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

[rameumptom]

Job at the FBI

"This gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them. :lol:

Uh, Tough, do you work for the FBI?

[Tough Grits]

Uh, Tough, do you work for the FBI?

I could tell you, but then I would have to eliminate you.

:roflmbo:

[omega0401]

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ... at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"

"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."

[pam]

A young couple has been married for about two weeks. One day as the bride is preparing dinner, she begins to sing. Her husband immediately gets up and begins closing the windows.

"It is such a beautiful day outside, dear," she says. "Why are you closing the windows?"

Says the husband, "I don't want the neighbors to think I'm beating you."

[rameumptom]

There was a famous bullfighter in Madrid named Jose Consuelo Zapatina Gonzalez de Villarroel.

He was a little eccentric. After slaying the bull, he would start a bon fire and roast the bull there in the stadium. After everyone had eaten, he would sing arias from his favorite operas.

One day, after slaying and eating the bull, he began to sing. Several of the onlookers pulled out pistols and shot him dead.

The moral of the story is: when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!

[Tough Grits]

A young couple has been married for about two weeks. One day as the bride is preparing dinner, she begins to sing. Her husband immediately gets up and begins closing the windows.

"It is such a beautiful day outside, dear," she says. "Why are you closing the windows?"

Says the husband, "I don't want the neighbors to think I'm beating you."

Um, how did find out about this event? I didn't realize that my mother had shared such a personal memory from her own life...

:roflmbo:

[pam]

George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

George replied, "Well ... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

[pam]

A young man is getting ready to go back to college and one day confronts his father.

"Dad," he says, "I need a new car to take back to school."

"A new car? I've seen those cars in the college parking lots. They're all older models. The most recent one I saw when I was there was a 1990 model. And you think you need a brand new car?"

"You don't understand, Dad," the boy says. "Those you saw are the professors' cars."

[Truegrits]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

[pam]

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Harold, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

[Tough Grits]

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Harold, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

Why, oh why, can't I press that Laugh button more than once??????

This one was worth pushing the button 3 times!!!!! :lol:

[omega0401]

Did you ever feel like this one person did?

I had a life once.....now I have a computer and a DSL line.

[pam]

A Minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them. You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse."

After Service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."

[pam]

Keeping Sunday sermons catchy is an art that could stand some refinement.

Consider the case of the minister who has his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made.

His usual sermon lasts about half an hour or a little more, but the first Sunday after his dental work he preaches only five minutes. The second Sunday, he is good for 15 minutes. But on the third Sunday he gets going and doesn't stop for an hour and a half.

"What's going on, Reverend?" a member of the congregation asks.

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures as I was heading out the door and I simply could not stop talking."

[Truegrits]

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures as I was heading out the door and I simply could not stop talking.

:lol:That deserved two laughs...or a laugh and a thanks...