New, Looking for support


secretsister
 Share

Recommended Posts

hi secret sister,

I just wanted to say something else, my h used blowing up and critisizm as a way of releiving pressure. Effective for hime devastaing for me. It is a behavior that has to be changed for you to survive. Take gentle care of yourself. Remember that heavenly father loves and values his daughters just as much as his sons.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 65
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Hi,

I got brave last night and had a long talk with my husband. He's been acting pretty normal and not being critical at all, so I thought it may be a good time. I prayed all day for help and the words to tell him, and for his heart to be prepared to hear what I had to say. I began by telling him that I was nervous about talking to him because I was afraid he would not understand or get angry. I told him I love him very much and in most ways I think he's a good man. I told him that I was worried about our marriage and I really want to figure out what to do to have a good marriage together. I told him that I think he says and does things, when he's angry, that he does not remember. I explained that when he gets that way, he does not act like the H I know and so it has led me to wonder if he has an illness such as a chemical imbalance or a hormonal issue going on.

Well, being in a normal mood, he didn't overreact. He listened to me until I was finished. Then, he told me that he did not have a mental illness. I make up things and hear him say what I want to hear him say. I dwell on an argument long after it is over and he can't even recall it since it wasn't a big deal. I am the cause of every argument because I say things to hurt him and I do not care about his feelings. In his experience, bishops and counselors only allow you to have gripe sessions, then validate you in your complaining. They do not help. Prophets have said that you should work out your problems together and accept each other and counselling is not advised unless the problem is serious. He doesn't consider ours serious. He said I just have to accept him the way he is. He said that IF he said the things I say he did, they were wrong, and he's sorry, but he believes I made it up. He said that I can go to the Branch President or a counselor if I want but it will be "the beginning of the end." He said he will not go, he will not seek counselling and he does not have a problem.

He wanted to rehash the last argument. I told him I didn't want to bring up old issues, but he insisted. He said he didn't even remember what it was about. I told him it was when he got mad about a thread on his clean garments. He said that I hurt his feelings deeply because when he told me the laundry wasn't done properly and should not have a string on it, I didn't take accountability for it. He wanted me to acknowledge that the string should not have been there and I had made a mistake. By telling him that it wasn't a big deal or that the string was clean, it sent him the message that I do not care about him and only wanted to make excuses for my own mistakes. Does this make any sense?

At the time, we were joking around and I, at first, thought he was joking by acting mad about it. My responses, at first, were based on that assumption. Then, when I realized he wasn't joking, I just couldn't get my mind around the fact that anyone could be that upset over it. It had absolutely nothing to do with not caring about his feelings. He told me last night, that a string in the laundry is a huge thing. It is like the shuttle that exploded because one screw was out of place. It was only one little screw, but it had a huge impact. Am I to think someone may die if a string gets in the laundry? HELP!

I'm afraid. I am going to talk with my BP again and tell him I told my H I'm talking to him. I have an appointment with a counselor too. I think it will be a self fulfilling prophecy for my H if I do these things. He will just set his mind toward divorce. I feel like I don't have any other options. I've been trying to work it out without help for a year and a half now.

Secretsister

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You did his washing for him ...we don't complain about other tasks that people do for us. We say thankyou. They are an act of love. If it's problematic, we help them out. If it can't be changed, we learn to live with it or do it ourselves.

I've actually had that problem...my partner said I was hopeless at it... and after some discussion...I had to drag it out of him... (he didn't think they were clean enough...and I couldn't get the work stains out...so we talked...detergent/washing machines etc...what other women used...he didn't know...he paid someone to do it before I did his wash for him...so I suggested he come up with a better method, happy to change what I was doing, or go back to laundry service). He did neither. Two days later, he showed me about 6 years of new uniforms in pristine condition still in plastic wrap. I worked out that he actually didn't want a new uniform because the guys teased each other about new clothes and that was part of the problem...he was deliberately going out wrinkled (please don't iron it)...and putting dirt on it...cause the guys were teasing him about being *looked after* and wasn't weathering what he had created (guesswork on my behalf). It took another month before he told me that he just deliberately baited a fight so he would have a reason not to eat tuna mornay...he figured it was easier to fight about clothing than a meal...cause I'd get defensive rather than hurt. He wasn't so good at talking...he struggled with working out coupledom.

You've got him talking at least. It's kind of weird talking about problems a couple of weeks later and trying to sort them out on their clock and putting together the jigsaw of what they can't say. Drove me barmy. Don't know if that helps any.

Edited by WANDERER
Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi secret sister,

It may be true that i you go to a counciler that h may be thinking divorce, but that is his choice. Your bishop and others are there to help you. I wonder if your h is scared about letting go of control of you and his life as he sees it. You said he was in the military, (control is a great thing there) not so much in your everyday life. If you are the reason for everything that goes awry in his life it gives him no accountabilty for things that happen. I know sometimes it is easier for me to blame my h for my unhappiness when he isn't doing anything different than usual. When I finally open up to the feelings of the spirit I am able to figure out what is really bothering me, when I do I can most times fix it. But like I say it is easier to somehow blame my h for whatever has me upset. It is something I am always working on.

Just wanted to share one more experience, years ago we weren't paying our tithing because my h didn't think we could afford it. It was a very difficult thing for me. I wanted to pay it but didn't want to have the constant argument over it. (we had many hospital bills at the time) I finally after much prayer went to the bishop and explained my dilema. The bishop said I do not feel it necessary to keep sisters from the temple because the h does not feel ready to pay tithing. I got my recomend and was able to begin attending the temple. H was furious and felt like i had bertrayed him by talking to the bishop and was embarrassed about what the bishop was thinking of him. It took him a while to get over it. Bottom line the bishop found an answer for me that i could have never seen on my own. It brought me a lot of peace during that time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Secret sister,

I'm happy that you are talking to your BP and that your husband is aware of your feelings. Regardless of what he says and does, you're doing the right thing. He does not have the right to treat a Daughter of God with disrespect, nor does he have the right to infringe on your agency. A change needs to be made... You have taken the first step. You are willing to work towards keeping the marriage in tact. If your husband's pride will not allow him to accept responsibility and repent so that your marriage can continue in love and peace, that's his choice. You are not to blame for his decisions. We as women are not commanded to Obey a man who is not following the commandments of our Heavenly Father.

I'm totally baffled about the string in the laundry. Good Heavens!!! It would be funny if the circumstances weren't so serious in your marriage. If my husband got upset over a string in the laundry he would find himself doing his own laundry if he wanted clean clothes. I have a bad habit of refusing to do something at all if I'm not doing it good enough for someone. :) Having said that I don't mean to imply that I don't take responsibility for my mistakes. . .as my family will tell you I'm usually the hardest on myself. I take more than I'm responsible for. . .but back me into a corner and my nails will come out. GRRRRR!!! A string? Are you kidding me? :D A string will not keep anyone from Exaltation unless of course the string makes you act uncharitable, but then that's not really the strings fault now is it?

On a more serious note.... It saddens me to hear of so many LDS men who are uncharitable towards their wife and children. Where did this narcissistic attitude come from? You are not alone. Many women (my sister included) are facing divorce from men who refuse to take responsibility for their hurtful actions, men who refuse to repent. In my sisters case, after she married her husband a neighbor of his parents told her that when he was growing up his mother taught him that he could do absolutely nothing wrong. Even if he broke the neighbors window, it wasn't his fault or his responsibility.

I believe as mothers the most important principle we can teach our children is Repentance. Without repentance all other principles are mute points. I certainly do not want to stand before my Heavenly Father and my Savior and be asked "Why did you teach your children that they could do nothing wrong?" and "Why didn't you teach them to humble themselves and repent when they have done something to hurt someone else?"

You are in my thoughts and prayers often. I appreciate the updates you've posted. Hang in there, there is always hope for a better life.

Applepansy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Secret sister,

On a more serious note.... It saddens me to hear of so many LDS men who are uncharitable towards their wife and children.

Applepansy

So many? While I agree that this dear sister appears in a no win situation and perhaps your sister too I would not characterize it as an epidemic in the LDS Church. Most couples I know are happily married. Most of them for many years.

Yes there is a problem with pride among young men and women in the church and the world. Body has to be just right, car just right, house/neighborhood just right.

Ben Raines

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So many? While I agree that this dear sister appears in a no win situation and perhaps your sister too I would not characterize it as an epidemic in the LDS Church. Most couples I know are happily married. Most of them for many years.

Yes there is a problem with pride among young men and women in the church and the world. Body has to be just right, car just right, house/neighborhood just right.

Ben Raines

Yes Ben, I've heard of too many young men who act like this sister describes. I did not say ALL. . . I said "so many." I have heard of more than two, more than 10 and over the last 10 or so years more than I want to count. I will be so bold as to say that any is too many.

Further back in the thead I quoted President Monson from Nov 1990 Ensign, page 47. Our prophets and apostles have recognized this growing problem for a long time.

So. . . yes I'm saddened by this trend.

I do not believe Secret Sister is in a no win situation. There will be a positive outcome for her as long as she stays close to the Lord and prayerfully makes her decisions. Her husband still has the opportunity to repent. I pray he will.

applepansy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

secretsisiter, you may have video tape your husband during one of his episodes and play it to him later to show that he does have a problem. He's not going to seek help until he admits he has a problem. Sorry about your awful situation.

Edited by Maureen
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi,

I got brave last night and had a long talk with my husband. He's been acting pretty normal and not being critical at all, so I thought it may be a good time. I prayed all day for help and the words to tell him, and for his heart to be prepared to hear what I had to say. I began by telling him that I was nervous about talking to him because I was afraid he would not understand or get angry. I told him I love him very much and in most ways I think he's a good man. I told him that I was worried about our marriage and I really want to figure out what to do to have a good marriage together. I told him that I think he says and does things, when he's angry, that he does not remember. I explained that when he gets that way, he does not act like the H I know and so it has led me to wonder if he has an illness such as a chemical imbalance or a hormonal issue going on.

Well, being in a normal mood, he didn't overreact. He listened to me until I was finished. Then, he told me that he did not have a mental illness. I make up things and hear him say what I want to hear him say. I dwell on an argument long after it is over and he can't even recall it since it wasn't a big deal. I am the cause of every argument because I say things to hurt him and I do not care about his feelings. In his experience, bishops and counselors only allow you to have gripe sessions, then validate you in your complaining. They do not help. Prophets have said that you should work out your problems together and accept each other and counselling is not advised unless the problem is serious. He doesn't consider ours serious. He said I just have to accept him the way he is. He said that IF he said the things I say he did, they were wrong, and he's sorry, but he believes I made it up. He said that I can go to the Branch President or a counselor if I want but it will be "the beginning of the end." He said he will not go, he will not seek counselling and he does not have a problem.

He wanted to rehash the last argument. I told him I didn't want to bring up old issues, but he insisted. He said he didn't even remember what it was about. I told him it was when he got mad about a thread on his clean garments. He said that I hurt his feelings deeply because when he told me the laundry wasn't done properly and should not have a string on it, I didn't take accountability for it. He wanted me to acknowledge that the string should not have been there and I had made a mistake. By telling him that it wasn't a big deal or that the string was clean, it sent him the message that I do not care about him and only wanted to make excuses for my own mistakes. Does this make any sense?

At the time, we were joking around and I, at first, thought he was joking by acting mad about it. My responses, at first, were based on that assumption. Then, when I realized he wasn't joking, I just couldn't get my mind around the fact that anyone could be that upset over it. It had absolutely nothing to do with not caring about his feelings. He told me last night, that a string in the laundry is a huge thing. It is like the shuttle that exploded because one screw was out of place. It was only one little screw, but it had a huge impact. Am I to think someone may die if a string gets in the laundry? HELP!

I'm afraid. I am going to talk with my BP again and tell him I told my H I'm talking to him. I have an appointment with a counselor too. I think it will be a self fulfilling prophecy for my H if I do these things. He will just set his mind toward divorce. I feel like I don't have any other options. I've been trying to work it out without help for a year and a half now.

Secretsister

OH MY GOSH THAT IS SO OCD! He might have OCD and bipolar. He obviously has a disorder of some kind. Some people have a really, really hard time admitting that. If he can't admit it, then it's just easier to blame you. I would be really interested to hear the perfect way to do laundry, ensuring that no strings stick to the clothes somehow. I'm curious about how he would answer that. I would ask him, "How do you think the string got on the clothes? After? If before, that means the string got washed with the laundry. If after, do you think the string came into contact with some kind of biohazard? What's the worst thing the string could do to you?" Wow. That's just not reality at all. It's kind of fascinating that he has no idea how irrational he's being.

When we went on a camp-out for our family reunion, my sister-in-law saw a band-aid on the ground and asked, "Does that belong to your kids?" "No." She looked horrified. In her mind, the band-aid has blood on it. The blood will touch something else, which will touch something else, and so on, until something that touched something that touched the blood will eventually touch her, and for some reason in her mind, it will be deadly. She also stopped coming to our family website because her brother started talking about the bird flu and it freaked her out too much. Man, the way she looked at that band-aid, you would think she believed it was going to jump up and strangle her.

I don't know what to tell you about your husband's state of denial. How difficult. If I had to walk on eggshells like that, I think I might handle it like this, "Honey, I love you very much, but I can't live like this and am convinced you have a disorder. Please take these diagnostic tests I found online and just consider that it could be a possibility. I know that is a scary thing to do, but your expectations of me are very unrealistic. Ask around. Ask your friends if they would be upset if there were a string on their clothes after they were washed and see what they say. I want to be with you forever, but I need to go away for a while until you are willing to seek help and stop blaming me for the things that bother you."

I'll be praying for you! :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you are in my prayers. the counselor is a great idea, since the stronger you are and the clearer your vision, the better your decision making will be. keeping an eternal perspective is important, the priesthood leaders can help.by that i mean that your purpose here is to have joy and progress, to return to be with heavenly father. i feel that a decision like eternal marriage is best made when everyone is at a clear level of mental health. sometimes medical treatment can be enough to help someone, but sometimes not.sometimes releasing someone to his own and heavenly fathers care can be more loving than standing by while their troubles impede your progress.healthy love dosn't hurt. love, aisling

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is wonderful news that you are able to see a counselor now. I hope and pray that he will go in to see a counselor as well soon. And that he will confide in your branch president and seek help for repentance.

Keep praying and reading your scriptures- and listening to good music sure helps a lot. Know that your Heavenly Father loves you - and him. Be spiritually prepared for what might need to happen. I'm saying a prayer for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Over the weekend, I took in a pair of pants for him. I told him I didn't know how and had never done it before, but I would try. I think I did a really good job and they looked nice and fit him perfectly. He asked me how they looked and I told him they looked really good. He asked if the belt loops were all even. Knowing how particular he is, I admitted that one was slightly lower than the others, but "It looks fine, nobody would notice." With a snide tone, he said, "YOU don't notice anything." I got defensive and told him if he could find even one person who was bothered by his belt loop, I'd fix it for him. Of course, this ended in a huge fight, although we agreed to get away for a bit, then talk about it later. Later came and he refused to talk with me about it. The next morning, yesterday, he wanted to know if I was ready to make up. I told him I was, but he still acted angry. I told him I was sorry for hurting his feelings. He said he was sorry for hurting mine. I told him I forgave him, but he did not tell me the same and he refused a hug. He didn't talk to me at all yesterday. We got home from conference and he took off with his dog for awhile. Then, he came home and went up to bed and never spoke to me at all.

This morning, I put my arm around him in bed, but got no response. I got up and made him breakfast as usual. When he sat down, I said "Good morning." He made kind of a growling sound. Then, he told me I need to get a job because he's leaving me. I asked him why and he said because I don't do my job right, "You can't even sew a belt loop right. Get a job."

This is a man, who, one month ago, was telling our branch president how he'd never imagined loving anyone so much and how he is scared because he actually needs me.

My BP is going to call him tonight and try to get him to meet with him. He suggested I pray about asking him to leave the home until we figure this out.

I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to understand how a loving Father gave me confirmation about marrying this man. At the time, I felt like it was a blessing for me for being faithful through some other really horrid trials in my life. Now, it feels like a mean joke.

I want to tell everyone how much your input helps me. Needing strangers to support you seems pathetic, but right now, it is what I need and it is helping. Thank you for your support. Today is my Mom's birthday. I wish she were still here.

Secretsister

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's awful. I'm so sorry...no one should have to go through something like that. To be honest, I think it is best that he isn't around doing stuff like that to you...as painful as a separation is.

I wouldn't sew anything for anyone...I'm rather bad at it...and if I did have a go at doing something then I'd hope for a better reaction than that...or at least some encouragement...or... even a sense of humour about it. I find his reaction rather scarey.

He certainly doesn't have the same standards of perfection for his own behaviour.

You know, if you were sick or hurt I don't know that he would get you to a doctor... ..or tell you you're not brave enough/or over-reacting/or whatever...his reactions seem so skewed....and when it gets to that...imagine children and how hard that would be.

I'm not sure how things are going to pan out for you with all this, but I sure hope you are treated much better. In the meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Life throws things at us..sometimes unexpected, undeserved and they don't always make sense. That's just the way it is. You can only do what you can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ceeboo

Hello secretsister,

I am very sad to see your situation seem to continue down a sad and IMHO very dangerous path.:(

I realize many here on the forum are suggesting you " speak to your Bishop " or " ask heavenly Father " or " maybe he has a medical issue " BUT I am SORRY to suggest that YOU, my sister in Christ, NEED TO RUN ( not walk ) AWAY from this " so called " Man.

IMHO, his utter lack of respect for you ( his very partner and wife ) is nothing short of controlling, discusting, and down right UNEXCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Again, I am sorry to hear of your situation.

These opinions of mine, are simply that, my opinions:)

God bless you

Carl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to understand how a loving Father gave me confirmation about marrying this man. At the time, I felt like it was a blessing for me for being faithful through some other really horrid trials in my life. Now, it feels like a mean joke.

Secretsister

Dear Secretsister,

Heavenly Father doesn't joke with our happiness. We all have our agency to choose and sometimes our choices cause unhappiness. Heavenly Father will not interfere with our agency.

Your husband has chosen to be cruel. Heavenly Father didn't force him to make that choice. You have an understanding BP. . . follow his counsel. You are not going to be able to change the behavior of your husband, nor are you going to be able to make him see that he is being cruel. Only your husband can make himself change. Appropriate consequences are needed. . .and asking him to move out is appropriate under these circumstances.

There is nothiing wrong with finding strength from strangers. Oft times its easier to tell everything to strangers.

Are you close to a temple? Can you call the temple and put your names on the prayer roll?

Do not give up Hope!!!

applepansy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

secret sister, I am so sorry for what you are going through. His abuse will not change, because he does not see any wrong in his behavior. The problems in the marriage (in his mind) are because you are not doing what you are supposed to do...you can't do anything right. If only you would be a better wife...

That belt loop is not the problem...but there will always be something that you have failed to do properly.

The bottom line is, that your marriage will continue in this manner, or get worse, until he acknowledges that HE has a problem. There is nothing you can do at this point, to change or help him. You could do everything perfectly, and there would still be something that set him off...

He needs professional help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

secretsister, I think that you would be better off without him. He does not appreciate you and due to his warped way of thinking does not realize that he will suffer without you. You cannot change or help him, he has to do that himself.

M.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think Ceeboo is right - either he or you needs to leave - that is, to move out. It's not worth trying to save the marriage if he refuses to get help and keeps going back to his abusive self. He might be able to get better if he would only seek help, but you can't really take that chance. If I were you I would be ready to act immediately, to ask him to move out or to move out yourself, then sort out whatever needs to happen after that.

Please remember God loves you as his daughter no matter what else happens and He wants your happiness. He won't put you through something that you can't handle, if you just always remember to turn to Him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi secretsister

I am so sorry for how things are going for you. Please be good to yourself. We are all given chances in this life and maybe you were one of your husbands and he will have to decide weather to move forward or stay stuck. Take gentle care of yourself and know you are loved by your heavenly father. I know he has carried me more times than I have walked. Let him carry you a little ways. Take gentle care and know your in my prayers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are all right. I asked him to leave, explained I needed time away from him for a bit. He refused to leave. He told me I was going to call the police and get a judge's order to make him leave, "like I did before." I never did any such thing!

Last night, he said he wanted to make up and try to work things out. We talked about the stupid belt loop thing and I apolagized for hurting his feelings. He seemed ok. This morning, he woke up angry again. He told our BP that he would agree to meet with him along with me, but that is not what he tells me, so I do not know if he will go with me tonight or not.

This morning, he was upset with me because I didn't want to eat breakfast. I made him some and sat with him at the table. I told him my stomach was upset and I didn't dare eat. He made me get a bowl of cereal and sit there so I "looked the same as him." He also asked me if I put something in his juice. Then, I had to kiss him and hug him and wave to him as he pulled out of the driveway to work. He said he needs me to be consistent. Truly, he freaked me out. He's never acted so freaky.

I know you will be telling me to get out. I have my appointment with a counselor tomorrow and I want to see if he comes with me to see the BP tonight. Then, I will have to decide. I think he's approaching a breakdown.

I appreciate your prayers the most. I know prayer works, but I can't muster anything from Heaven at the moment. I still pray and trust God knows what he's doing.... wish he'd tell me.

Secretsister

Link to comment
Share on other sites

... Get out of there. Now. Now. "Like you did before"? If you think he's on the verge of blowing, trust your instincts. Get out of there and protect yourself and your family.

"So you look the same as me"?!?! He is a few sandwiches short of a picnic, for sure, and while that's terrible... It's something YOU have to GET OUT of. Seriously. Before it's too late, get out. Worst case scenario: You overreacted. Best case scenario: You stopped a horrible rampage that resulted in many people getting hurt. Just get out - Go to a woman's shelter. ANYwhere.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share