How would you react?

[DigitalShadow]

How would you react if your child did not want to be a part of the church? Living in Utah, I know many parents who would (and have) disown their children for leaving the church. Why? Once they are old enough to make their own decisions, is it not their own choice what religion fits them best?

Obviously parents want the best for their children and if they truly believe their religion is the one true religion, of course they would want their child to share that belief and reap the benifets in the afterlife. I have seen this tendency in other religions as well, but never before have I seen it to the extent that it exists in Utah with Mormons. I can't for the life of me understand why any parent would be willing to cut off all relations with their child rather than accept their choice to not be a part of their church and love them regardless. Could someone enlighten me?

[MrsHart]

How would I react? I would support my child in his or her decision. There is no one-size-fits-all, and while I understand that our church welcomes everyone, not everyone will feel that the religion fits them. If, after my child has matured a bit, and realizes that s/he would like to return to Mormonism, that would be great. However, if the religion truly is not for them, then I would not want them to follow the religion and be miserable either.

We live in a free country, where the freedom of religion also means that we have the freedom NOT to follow one, or any, for that matter.

Love between family members should be unconditional.

Edited October 15, 2008 by MrsHart

[Misshalfway]

When you say "many", do you really mean a few? Disown is a strong word. Perhaps you mean something else.

I have lived in Mormon Central Utah my whole life. I cannot recall one instance where this "disowning" has happened. In fact, I see the opposite. I see wayward children move themselves away from LDS family. And I see heart broken parents try thing after thing trying to repair things with their children. I see relationships stressed and breakdowns in communication and struggling to accept these alternative choices, but I don't see disowning as you describe.

And I will say this to. I don't think all parents have the best emotional and relational tools to communicate in the healthiest ways when these circumstances happen. I think each situation is individual and is most likely involves more relationship complications and issues than just a child choosing an alternative religious or non religious course. And I don't always trust that the child leaves the family religion in the most respectful of ways either.

[MrsHart]

How would I react? I would support my child in his or her decision. There is no one-size-fits-all religion, and while I understand that our church welcomes everyone, not everyone will feel that the religion fits them. If, after my child has matured a bit, and realizes that s/he would like to return to Mormonism, that would be great. However, if the religion truly is not for them, then I would not want them to follow the religion and be miserable either.

We live in a free country, where the freedom of religion also means that we have the freedom NOT to follow one, or any, for that matter.

Love between family members should be unconditional.

[NeuroTypical]

I'd react with love and acceptance. And understanding - I went inactive from 18-26.

And, based on their reasons why, I might react with respect, if respect is warranted. Their reasons might well be worthy of respect. I believe mine were.

Parents do not convert their kids. They can only do missionary work with their kids - invite them to share in knowledge of the reality of God and the Gospel, and the truth of the church and His prophets. Disowning for 'failure to believe' is kind of stupid and unChristlike, IMO.

Now, if they're my dependent children still living under my roof and eating my food, there are some requirments and duties on them. Some duties may very well be attend church and the occasional activity where appropriate. There are things in all our lives that we don't like, but we do anyway. Going to church even though you don't want to, might just be one of them. It's up to my kids and their parents to jointly figure out exactly what "where approprate" means.

Love between family members should be unconditional.

Well, we're commanded to love our neighbor and love one another, whether they're family or not. Blood often ends up being thicker than water, but it's not because God told us it should be that way.

LM

Edited October 15, 2008 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[NeuroTypical]

Love between family members should be unconditional.

Well, we're commanded to love our neighbor and love one another, whether they're family or not. Blood often ends up being thicker than water, but it's not because God told us it should be that way.

LM

[MarginOfError]

I wouldn't react. I would accept and love and work for their happiness in anyway we mutually found appropriate.

And then I'd make cookies and Jello salads to give them to slowly convert them back to the Gospel.

[pam]

Would I be disappointed? Yes...would I disown? No.

[candyprpl]

I know of parents who have disowned their children for joining the Church but not the other way around. I'll ditto Misshafway's post.

In my sister's family who all live in Utah I know that they are dealing with adult children who have left the Church and it has put a huge strain on everyone involved -- but no one has disowned anyone. I can't imagine it happening either.

[prisonchaplain]

We had a Somali teenager in our church who had literally been kicked out of his home for becoming a Christian. In some cultures, families will hold funerals for children who convert to other religions. Just yesterday, I read that a father's murder of his two daughter has been categorized as an "honor killing." The father felt dishonored that his daughters (17 & 18 at the time) had dated non-Muslims.

So...if my daughters abandoned their Christian faith (I'm not LDS, but Assemblies of God), I'd be deeply disappointed. Mind you, my daughters, in our theology, would not face a lower kingdom, but damnation. Nevertheless, I'd pray for them and keep loving them. One thing my faith has in common with LDS is a belief in free will (or agency). It is up to each individual to embrace/respond to God...no grandkids in the kingdom--everyone is either a child of God, or not.

[DigitalShadow]

My parents were (and still are to some extent) Universalist Unitarian. They have loose beliefs in God, but even as I was little they would allow me to make my own decisions on the matter. In my early teens I decided to stop going to church all together and my parents were perfectly fine with it. The idea that parents would impose religion on their kids is logically understandable, but extremely foreign to me and the friends I knew growing up.

Coming to Utah has been a culture shock in many ways, but the most shocking to me is how parents interact with their kids regarding religion. From the blatant prejudice I had to overcome to win over my wife's immediate family (since I am *gasp* not a member!) to some of the extremely strained family situations of the friends my wife had in high school, it is all very foreign to me and somewhat disturbing.

[Misshalfway]

There are lots of "shoulds" in the LDS church culture. Yeah, I suppose we "should" be unconditional in our love towards others. But you know, relationships are complicated and imperfect and then you add something as emotionally charged as religion and all the expectations tied to that and then you add in stuff like parental guilt and any dysfunction that may exist and all the "shoulds" seem to go out the window.

I think when stuff like this happens, I think it is so important to stay close to God and to discipline our actions and attitudes to love, but to also acknowledge the very real heartbreak that can be felt. I wonder if these situations aren't opportunities for all involved to learn a better way.

I think in the LDS world, it is important to understand the teachings of "Families can be together forever" and Sealing ordinances. These are understood to make families happy and fit for the eternities. I think that there is a great deal of mourning that takes place because they risk not being together forever.

Edited October 15, 2008 by Misshalfway

[havejoy]

My 31 year old son has left the church. How I react is to treat him with love and respect and pray every day for him. I also keep his name in the Temple.

I've never loved anyone just because they were a member of the LDS Church and my son is no exception.

[rockwoodchev]

So...

In the minds of the child, I think there is a very fine line between the word "disowned" and the whole concept I've seen here of disappointed, strain in communications, etc.. The guilt trips we place on wayward children is unreal.

I grew up LDS and of the 3 kids, am the only one that has remained active. I've been the poster child of what it is to be a good LDS son. My brother and sister left the church at a very young age. I've seen this "disapponted" thing for years from my parents point of view, but have recently been in long discussion with my siblings and they would call it dis-owned.

This strain in communications between the two worlds makes one party or the other feel dis-owned. You all are saying what this feels like from the perspective of the one who stayed, but the person who left, well their feelings are not to be even understood here.

I think your perspective is jaded and blatently not fair to the opinions and feelings of the child who feels 100% dis-owned.

My feelings: What does it matter if they leave the church or not? Blood and family relations is more important. This has always boggled my mind when as a people, we talk about how important family is, and it is the very core unit of the gospel, but when it comes down to it, many people will throw much of this out if someone doesn't follow the "approved" path.

For me, when my brother comes to visit me, I pull out a coffee maker and will buy beer for him as a guest in my house. He knows I don't drink and supports that and I know he drinks and I support him. No matter what he does.

Edited October 15, 2008 by rockwoodchev

[Misshalfway]

I don't think Rockwood, that anyone is downplaying the pain that is found on either side of this issue. And I agree too that there is a great deal of mormon pressure and that one can feel very "disowned" not to mention incredibly misunderstood and labeled as the "black sheep". There is no doubt in my mind that Mormons really can be hurtful in these ways.

I don't though, want anyone who reads this to think that LDS people are intensely intolerant to the point of literally banning children from their families and refusing contact and tearing their clothing etc etc. These are two very different things.

And to say that this happens with almost everyone and to say that this is incredibly common is also, IMO, an exaggeration of what generally happens.

[DigitalShadow]

From what I've seen in my (admittedly limited) experience in Utah, there is far more religious intolerance here, particularly with family members. Obviously there is the potential for it in all locations with all religions, but I have never personally experienced such religious intolerance until coming here and perhaps that is disproportionally coloring my view of things.

I still don't fully understand the disappointement (which can be very emotionally damaging to a child) that parents have for children who have religious differences with them. From my conversations with LDS members, free agency is meant to be respected and people must follow the church of their own free will. Being guilted into belief that they don't agree with by parents who project an attitude (implicitly or explicitly) of "well you can leave the church but I will think that I failed as a parent... it's completely your choice though!" does not sound like respecting free agency to me.

[Misshalfway]

No. I don't suppose it is respecting agency. I just think that parents try so hard to protect their children from painful consequences, that they stumble over themselves. And then I do think you are right that Utah has some unique and not necessarily good attitudes.

[Guest Godless]

I think in the LDS world, it is important to understand the teachings of "Families can be together forever" and Sealing ordinances. These are understood to make families happy and fit for the eternities. I think that there is a great deal of mourning that takes place because they risk not being together forever.

That was the biggest issue when I told my parents that I no longer had a testimony of the Church. The idea of me not being able to be with them in the Celestial Kingdom brought my mother to tears. My relationship with them has remained fairly healthy, mainly due to the fact that there are things that they don't know about my post-LDS self, like the fact that I drink and have tattoos. In that regard, the "prodigal son" scenerio is hard on both sides. I hate deceiving my parents, but I don't want to hurt them further by telling them just how far I've drifted from the Church and its doctrines. I've finally decided to come clean with them, but only because my best friend will be in town next week and she's agreed to be by my side when I make the phone call, because I know it's not going to be easy. I know my parents will love me no matter what, but sometimes I wish that their faith didn't carry so much emotional baggage with it.

[jimuk]

I am going to shoot from the hip here. No loving parent would disown one of their children, be them members of LDS or non member, heavenly father would not do it because he truly loves us, and if we truly love our children then we would not do it either.

I would look at the family environment if a child has been disowned inside a lds home, overbearing rules, religious fanatics, nothing but religion pushed down the childs throat every day, day and night.

When this child seeks to escape from this "Abuse" then its the parents that should look out for Heavenly fathers chastisement, and worry not what the lost sheep is doing.

[Misshalfway]

I wouldn't react. I would accept and love and work for their happiness in anyway we mutually found appropriate.

And then I'd make cookies and Jello salads to give them to slowly convert them back to the Gospel.

Food does solve every problem in Mormon land.

[pushka]

I'm in a slightly different position to most who have replied to this thread, in the fact that I'm a newish convert to the church, some on here know that I used to attend the church, as a non-member, in my teens, but that I then stopped attending when I was 18 until earlier this year.

I can see both sides of this situation, I think, as my parents are Roman Catholic, and even tho they don't attend church themselves they were shocked when I stopped attending the Roman Catholic church (which I had done on and off voluntarily since I was around 9 or 10 years old) and admitted to them that I was following the LDS church. They were frightened really, I understand that now, and their fear came across as anger. Eventually they calmed down and accepted this 'new' me.

Now, after I stopped attending the LDS church I eventually got married to a non-member, I was still officially a member of the Roman Catholic church, and as such, here in the UK I was expected almost to send my children to the R.C. schools, I went thru the motions of having them both baptised as babies, sent them to the schools, tried to encourage them in their religious studies and tried, one and off, to attend church with them when they were younger. Sometimes it was an ordeal to sit thru the Mass with one or the other of my kids playing up, but I persevered.

Eventually, when my kids reached adolescence, they were not interested in attending Mass anymore, I respected their view, I attended by myself for a while, I felt I needed that spirituality at the time, I was newly divorced and doing lots of soul searching, but eventually I stopped attending too.

Now, to the present, I've returned to the LDS faith and been baptised, my kids have got to know some of my LDS friends and the Missionaries and think they are, mostly, wonderful people, but they have no interest in joining me at church or church activities. I have tried to persuade them to attend some activities, and my daughter did attend my Baptism and Confirmation, but I do not push them. They respect what I'm doing, they don't scoff or make fun of me, and I respect their choice not to join me.

I do know of a couple of families in my local ward where their children have either gone inactive or are heading that way. Both families love their children very much, but one in particular seems to be struggling to let their daughter have just enough freedom and respect that she might actually choose to start attending church again rather than carrying on heading out of it..She complains that she is given no choice ast to whether or not she attends Young Women's evenings, when her mother said she did have a choice, she said that she wouldn't attend again then, and the mother then said no, you will attend sadly, this has backfired on the family and the daughter is highly resentful of this attitude towards her feelings about the church culture and what not. In the other family the 2 sons, now aged 19 and 21, have stopped attending church completely. They have both recently left home to go to University, their parents are really saddened by their inactivity, but they have accepted this as being their choice. They have refused to compromise their own standards at home however, and the sons have responded well to this, they are the most respectful, helpful kids I have ever met! Now that they're living away from home, the parents have contacted the Bishop in the city where they're staying, and advised him of where they are living, so that the church members there can support them if they want it. No pressure for them to attend church, but support if required. I think that's a great way for them to have dealt with their sons' inactivity, and I wish them well.

[Misshalfway]

When my brother left the church, he did so covertly. He was an adult and as far as I was concerned could do what he wanted to. When he finally decided to tell my parents, he dropped it like a bomb out of the sky and then forbade my parents to talk to him about it ever again. And to this day, three years later, we haven't spoken of his issues and his choices.

My poor parents were completely blind sighted. They felt like they had been lied to and like their feelings didn't matter to my brother. I am sure my brother thinks that he can avoid conflict this way. But I think it was a rather cowardly way to handle the situation and certainly didn't communicate respect or gratitude for what my parents tried to do or how they felt about his choices. Perhaps he couldn't deal with the guilt that would most assuredly come. Maybe his was and is too afraid to deal with the difficult emotions. Or maybe he knows he is making the wrong choices and wants to avoid facing it at all costs. I can't really know because he won't talk about it.

The sad thing is now that he won't talk to us about anything. He comes to family parties and is very generous with gifts. But he is so very guarded. He won't allow any conversation that concerns his life outside of his work. I feel like I lost my brother! I feel angry at him sometimes, and so sad at others. I have written him letter after letter telling him it was ok and that I would try to understand. I shared some of my experience feeling like the black sheep hoping that it would help him see that my motivation was not to be judgmental. But he never has to this day answered. I am angry that he wouldn't even give me the chance to be the kind of sibling that DS is trying to describe in this thread.

We are all so sad. Sad because my brother is making strange choices and sad because we haven't learned yet how to accept each other and our differing views. But I hand it to my parents. They have taken the high road and tried so hard to adjust their heartbreak to acceptance and trust in the Lord and their son. But it did take them some time to come to terms.

[Mirium]

Going through this now with my son I admit it is causing me much pain but I love and respect him and my love for him will not change and he knows that. I will always be his mum and although I will never give up , fasting and praying for him and trying to help him in any way I can I know that however much it hurts me I must respect his free agency and yes it really really hurts to see my son make what I believe are wrong choices but he will always be my son and I love him and will always be there for him.

[lilered]

A couple of points. I have a son who has drifted away from the church. In his earlier days he referred to himself as the blacksheep of the family. We continued to love him in spite of his behavior. As he has matured, and even though he has not returned to church, he has displayed a good heart, is good to his children, and is a good human being. I have yet to hear him ever talk about another human being in any type of a negative way and in fact will often point out their good points. All of his children have been blessed and baptized which he did attend but did not particpate.

He has always treated both his mother and I with the utmost respect and everyone that comes in contact with him comments what a well behaved nice young man he has become. So, we continue to pray for him, but we have learned that whether or not he returns to attending the church etc. we will continue to love him unconditionally and express how proud we are of him.

[applepansy]

this is real for me. . . what I do is Pray!!! continually.

Charity begins at home. Also I remind myself before reacting "what would Christ do?"

then I put it all in the Lord's hands. My sons were children of our Heavenly Father before he sent them to me. He loves them more than me. He knows the desires of their hearts and mine. I know that things will work out for the best in the end.

I don't believe many Mormons disown. . . but there are some. Its disappointing to know the truth and have a child you love with all your heart, might, mind and soul reject it. My children have truly taught me the principle of Agency.

applepansy