family problems and homosexuality


debi56
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I have searched for answers and prayed about this but am at a loss. My daughter, 23 years old is involved with another woman. Before I knew that they were involved, I had a developed a great relationship with the other female. Once I was told they were in love is when the problems started. I didn't even know they were lesbian.

My problem lies with total rejection of a gay lifestyle. I can't support or condone their relationship and they know this. I love my daughter and treat her no differently than I ever have. This is something that we don't talk about. I am not sure of how to deal with the other person. If I keep the friendship going, will it be like saying that I think it is ok? I can't figure out how to deal with all this. When I first found out, I was angry, sad, worried, and I cried a lot. How do I accept these girls without accepting their lifestyle? I don't feel that I should shun the other girl as I know she is a good person. I just don't know what to do. If the relationship continues, do I let her come to family get togethers? :confused:

Maybe someone can shed some light on this.

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Guest DeborahC

Debi, I have a son who is gay and I found these YouTube programs to be VERY helpful. You can start with part one then move to parts 2,3, etc., but this is my favorite part.

This large LDS family has several gay members. The parents are precious. Please watch it.

Remember, it's no more the OTHER girls fault than it is your daughters, so I'd continue to treat her with kindness so as not to alienate your daughter, myself.

God Bless You,

Deborah

(maybe it's our NAME? ::chuckling:::)

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what a tough one!

This is one of things that only someone who has been there can answer! (this is why Christ had to take on all the transgressions, pains, hurts) He understands.

I would think you would handle this the same as you would if your daughter was having a sexual relationship with a man. What if she moved in unmarried? You need to look at this no different than any other transgression. Homosexuality is more repulsive to us because we don't feel the same temptation. WE can understand being attracted to a man. WE can understand wanting to and even giving in to the desire to make love when we are unmarried.

It is very hard, but, you will need to treat both of them with the same love you did before you knew. You still love them? Remember when your daughter was a little girl? Love with the same love.

What if your daughter knew stuff about you, things that were temptations for you? Pretty scary, huh?

We can't judge. We just can't! If you treat them with love and not judge, you are not saying it is okay. They both know you do not approve of this transgression. Free agency is what we are on earth for. They will have to answer for their decisions. You will have to answer for yours.

Here's the real question, how does Christ treat them?

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May I suggest something else?

From the way I read the original post, I would feel that I was being lied to regarding the nature of their relationship - and that it was intentionally kept from me.

From this (if I'm correct), I would sit them both down in your home and discuss how you came to learn of their relationship and how you felt manipulated and lied to during this time... and that they felt that they had to HIDE it from you.

From what I sense from your post, you learned about your daughter AFTER she began to have a relationship, not before. I can only imagine that you wished your daughter would've come to you to discuss her feelings before seeking companionship with someone of the same sex.

There may be a disconnect in your relationship with your daughter to not trust you or feel comfortable enough to discuss such a sensitive topic.

Then I would lay down the ground rules for proper behavior in your home - probably as Elder Oaks outlined in the link above. No extended stays, may not have BOTH of them at family gatherings, and certainly no public displays of affection.

A little long on a side tangent, but that's what I sensed.

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Debi, I have a son who is gay and I found these YouTube programs to be VERY helpful. You can start with part one then move to parts 2,3, etc., but this is my favorite part.

This large LDS family has several gay members. The parents are precious. Please watch it.

Remember, it's no more the OTHER girls fault than it is your daughters, so I'd continue to treat her with kindness so as not to alienate your daughter, myself.

God Bless You,

Deborah

(maybe it's our NAME? ::chuckling:::)

Hi,

Thanks for responding, I have told my daughter that she will always be my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally. I also told her that i couldn't condone or support their relationship because it is a sin. I also told her I couldn't share this relationship with her, meaning that I didn't want to know about their relationship.

Thanks for the video links and I will be sxure to watch them.

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what a tough one!

This is one of things that only someone who has been there can answer! (this is why Christ had to take on all the transgressions, pains, hurts) He understands.

I would think you would handle this the same as you would if your daughter was having a sexual relationship with a man. What if she moved in unmarried? You need to look at this no different than any other transgression. Homosexuality is more repulsive to us because we don't feel the same temptation. WE can understand being attracted to a man. WE can understand wanting to and even giving in to the desire to make love when we are unmarried.

It is very hard, but, you will need to treat both of them with the same love you did before you knew. You still love them? Remember when your daughter was a little girl? Love with the same love.

What if your daughter knew stuff about you, things that were temptations for you? Pretty scary, huh?

We can't judge. We just can't! If you treat them with love and not judge, you are not saying it is okay. They both know you do not approve of this transgression. Free agency is what we are on earth for. They will have to answer for their decisions. You will have to answer for yours.

Here's the real question, how does Christ treat them?

A lot of what you have said makes sense, I guess I just view homosexualtiy as worse than premarital sex. My children have lived with boyfriends and girlfriends and when they have come to visit, I did not let them sleep together.

My daughter told me once that she didn't see how they were hurting anyone and I said, "You both are hurting your salvation." I have extended more of an outpouring of love to her. The scripture, "Be still and know that I am God" comes to mind so much and that is comforting but there are times I still wrestle with it.

You are right about the other girl, I don't hold her more responsible than I do my daughter, I guess in all honesty. It is easier to write someone off more so than your own child. I know that there is always something to learn from trials even if they are not your own. Thanks for the advice. :)

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May I suggest something else?

From the way I read the original post, I would feel that I was being lied to regarding the nature of their relationship - and that it was intentionally kept from me.

From this (if I'm correct), I would sit them both down in your home and discuss how you came to learn of their relationship and how you felt manipulated and lied to during this time... and that they felt that they had to HIDE it from you.

From what I sense from your post, you learned about your daughter AFTER she began to have a relationship, not before. I can only imagine that you wished your daughter would've come to you to discuss her feelings before seeking companionship with someone of the same sex.

There may be a disconnect in your relationship with your daughter to not trust you or feel comfortable enough to discuss such a sensitive topic.

Then I would lay down the ground rules for proper behavior in your home - probably as Elder Oaks outlined in the link above. No extended stays, may not have BOTH of them at family gatherings, and certainly no public displays of affection.

A little long on a side tangent, but that's what I sensed.

I did feel betrayed at first, but it was the other girl that told me about them. My daughter was raised by her father and although I stayed in her life all the years, I feel that we didn't really get to build the relationship we could have.

We do have heart to heart talks about a lot of things but she is a private person and she doesn't talk much about her feelings when it comes to personal relationships. I think she was afraid to tell me because she knows how much against same sex relationships I am. She did tell me she was afraid I would be disappointed in her.

Thanks for the advice and the side tangent

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Guest JHM-in-Bountiful

I came out to my family in May & June of 2007. I met my first long term partner in 2003. During 2003 & 2004 he and I attended family functions. I plainly stated that he was only a friend. My family seemed to like him. In 2005 he moved to another state, I chose to stay behind. That's how the relationship ended. In early 2007 I found another partner. He was kind of hinting that he wanted to be a part of my family. This time I did not want to lie and say I have just another friend. I finally got enough courage and phoned my mother, who lives in another state, and came out to her. Living with her for 32 years, she had no clue about me. Naturally she was upset and several questions raced thruogh her mind. There was no one on her side of the family she could talk to. However, she had a therapist at the time. She already made up her mind that the did not like or trust my new partner. She feared I would contract the HIV virus.

In June 2007 I flew out to Utah for a family reunion. During this time the LDS side of the family knew I was no-longer a member of the church. They still wanted to include me in various church activities. I tagged along as we saw the Manti Pageant and went to Temple Square. I started to feel the holy spirit during the reunion. I was beginning to realize what I was missing. I never was happy living a lifestyle that goes against Heavenly Father's plan. Towards the end of the reunion, I finally came out to my father and step-mother. Eventually my 3 brothers found out too. They still accepted my in the family but was against my lifestyle. They did tell me I could have a fully restored body during the time of the Millennium. I spent the last two days in Salt lake City alone, and visiting the sites. My mind was spinning out of control. At one point I nearly walked in front of one of the TRAX trains to commit suicide. I then made the decision to give up my lifestyle and return to the church.

I now live a celibate life and have no desire to live the way I did. After a year, I got re-baptized and was restored to an Elder. I find it kind of strange that the partner I met in 2007 led me to come out to my family. When I did, I made a 180 degree turn and returned to living a worthy lifestyle. He did not think me coming out would end up the way it did. He is happy for me and for the decision I made. On my profile page I have an Evergreen International video. Evergreen International-Helping Latter-Day Saints overcome same-sex attraction (homosexuality) is a LDS based program for those who are struggling with same gender attraction. It is not directly affiliated with the church. It does go by the church's teachings and even has general authority members speak at some of thier conferences. Church speaking, I'm a success story. However there are chuch members who are happier in pursuing thier other interests regarding relationships. It's ok to love your family member unconditionally. Also it's ok to disagree with their lifestyle. It seems like in the end each one of us will be responsible for our actions we do while on Earth. About all you can do is always continue to pray for your loved ones who are in a different relationship. Maybe they will re-discover where true happiness is.

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I came out to my family in May & June of 2007. I met my first long term partner in 2003. During 2003 & 2004 he and I attended family functions. I plainly stated that he was only a friend. My family seemed to like him. In 2005 he moved to another state, I chose to stay behind. That's how the relationship ended. In early 2007 I found another partner. He was kind of hinting that he wanted to be a part of my family. This time I did not want to lie and say I have just another friend. I finally got enough courage and phoned my mother, who lives in another state, and came out to her. Living with her for 32 years, she had no clue about me. Naturally she was upset and several questions raced thruogh her mind. There was no one on her side of the family she could talk to. However, she had a therapist at the time. She already made up her mind that the did not like or trust my new partner. She feared I would contract the HIV virus.

In June 2007 I flew out to Utah for a family reunion. During this time the LDS side of the family knew I was no-longer a member of the church. They still wanted to include me in various church activities. I tagged along as we saw the Manti Pageant and went to Temple Square. I started to feel the holy spirit during the reunion. I was beginning to realize what I was missing. I never was happy living a lifestyle that goes against Heavenly Father's plan. Towards the end of the reunion, I finally came out to my father and step-mother. Eventually my 3 brothers found out too. They still accepted my in the family but was against my lifestyle. They did tell me I could have a fully restored body during the time of the Millennium. I spent the last two days in Salt lake City alone, and visiting the sites. My mind was spinning out of control. At one point I nearly walked in front of one of the TRAX trains to commit suicide. I then made the decision to give up my lifestyle and return to the church.

I now live a celibate life and have no desire to live the way I did. After a year, I got re-baptized and was restored to an Elder. I find it kind of strange that the partner I met in 2007 led me to come out to my family. When I did, I made a 180 degree turn and returned to living a worthy lifestyle. He did not think me coming out would end up the way it did. He is happy for me and for the decision I made. On my profile page I have an Evergreen International video. Evergreen International-Helping Latter-Day Saints overcome same-sex attraction (homosexuality) is a LDS based program for those who are struggling with same gender attraction. It is not directly affiliated with the church. It does go by the church's teachings and even has general authority members speak at some of thier conferences. Church speaking, I'm a success story. However there are chuch members who are happier in pursuing thier other interests regarding relationships. It's ok to love your family member unconditionally. Also it's ok to disagree with their lifestyle. It seems like in the end each one of us will be responsible for our actions we do while on Earth. About all you can do is always continue to pray for your loved ones who are in a different relationship. Maybe they will re-discover where true happiness is.

Wow Jim, thank you for sharing that, it meant a lot to me. I have invited her to church and she said "Maybe", I hope that she will take me up on it. I know that the Gospel can work miracles, sometimes I just forget that changes happen in the Lords' time. I am so happy that you have found your way back.

Thanks again

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A lot of what you have said makes sense, I guess I just view homosexualtiy as worse than premarital sex. My children have lived with boyfriends and girlfriends and when they have come to visit, I did not let them sleep together.

My daughter told me once that she didn't see how they were hurting anyone and I said, "You both are hurting your salvation." I have extended more of an outpouring of love to her. The scripture, "Be still and know that I am God" comes to mind so much and that is comforting but there are times I still wrestle with it.

You are right about the other girl, I don't hold her more responsible than I do my daughter, I guess in all honesty. It is easier to write someone off more so than your own child. I know that there is always something to learn from trials even if they are not your own. Thanks for the advice. :)

May I point out, for the sake of homosexual members that I know on this board, and for the sake of clarification, that homosexuality itself is not a sin, it's a temptation. To act on it is a sin, as is the case with every temptation. Sorry, I'm not trying to ridicule anything in your post, rebuke you, or cause trouble in any way, I just wanted to clarify. It's a struggle for members because it basically means choosing to be celibate, and for those that do I believe that a greater blessing and a glorious crown awaits them than some heterosexual people.

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I would think you would handle this the same as you would if your daughter was having a sexual relationship with a man. What if she moved in unmarried? You need to look at this no different than any other transgression. Homosexuality is more repulsive to us because we don't feel the same temptation.

No, not quite. In the instance of a daughter living with a man and unmarried there is always the chance of them getting married and therefore making it all right. There is no such possibility in a same-sex relationship. Also, from a spiritual view again, a heterosexual couple can repent and live according to the Gospel in a married relationship while the same-sex couple cannot have such a possibility and will probably realize this and eventually reject any of the more traditional religions eventually.

I think the Church looks at these things differently too -- or maybe I am wrong. In an unmarried male-female relationship involving sex there are sometimes not even disciplinary actions, in many parts of the world you will not be allowed to hold a calling but you could come back to Church (if innactive) and pretty much get back into the swing of things (nobody is going to call from the Bishop's office and demand you come in and repent or face actions). Doubt the same is true of same-sex situations although in the Bible one could note that two men having sex was a capital offense but two women were not even mentioned in the Old Testament (perhaps since so many men had harems and such actions would not affect the reproductive capability of the unit or society). One reference to women is found in Romans 1 but it makes it clear that women were lusting after each other after abandoning the desire to have families.

Of course this is more on a theoretical level and not dealing with individual concerns.

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Some of my best friends from high school are homosexual. I also have friends who are alcoholics, addicts, are sexually active outside of marriage, etc. I do not condone their sinful methods, but continue the friendships where possible.

The way I treat them is like this: first, I am their friend. As long as they follow my home rules and don't display their orientation in my home, they are welcome to be there. I tell them that while I do not approve of their lifestyle, I do approve of being their friend.

If they are willing to respect your views, and you can focus on areas that you do have in common, then you can have a great relationship with many peoples you may not have all things in common with.

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Apologies for the cliche, but "what would Jesus do?"

I'd think he would respect and love a person even if he/she did something wrong, but would still tell the person why the thing that he/she did wrong is wrong and why if the person was willing to listen. Love and compassion cures wounded souls.

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I think you all have very valid points. Just remember christ loves unconditionally, he doesn't love our actions, but he loves us.

And youngmormonroyalist, you are correct....it's not a sin until they act on it, but it is an incorrect choice....

I know several who have come out, then returned to the church. I also know several who have not.

My point we all have our temptations in life, I believe we knew how hard it would be when we chose to come, but we had the faith we could over come our temptations. For some....our faith is yet not strong enough, nor is our will power. For those of us around people struggling....Be an example, dont condemn...yet love them. Yes we may share our thoughts, but always pray before doing it:) The chances of you softening there hearts are greater this way..:)

hugs and prayers

LaurelTree

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I have told my daughter that she will always be my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally. I also told her that i couldn't condone or support their relationship because it is a sin. I also told her I couldn't share this relationship with her, meaning that I didn't want to know about their relationship.

Thanks for the video links and I will be sxure to watch them.

This reminds me of the family, in a story, in which the Mother-in-Law never could bring herself to accept her child's spouse. She was very hard on him, and yet she wondered why they never came to visit so she could see her darling grandchildren.

It is unfortunate when disapproval can drive a wedge between members of a family.

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I think you can state your position and still love the person.

My Mum had an affair with another woman when I was 15-17 - Rosy was great and I treated her with the same respect I would have done any other partner my Mum had moved in, I was very sad when they split up Rosy had been my stability during those years.

My Dad has several women on the go - one I adore she is amazing beautiful woman with whom I have a very deep bond, she is however married to a man who I think may be homosexual and she lives with him some of the week, he offered her a divorce but my Dad wouldn't commit so she didn't bother, the other I know about I don't like at all but when she was ill I still sent her flowers etc but I still made it clear to my Dad I was not going to cover for him, when he was cheating on someone now number 1 woman knows about number 2 I have also told the lady I like if a man treated me that way he would be out and she is worth so much more. But I invite Dad and his chosen partner to the events in mine and my childrens lives and I treat them with love and respect I have a friendship with one but not with the other - I didn't like her I thought she vindictive before she slept with my Dad,

My bestfriend is homosexual - and quite frankly an amazing man we have been friends since high school and my husband calls him my other husband. He knows my views but still I was the first person he came out to and I was glad he did it gave him a chance to talk and still be loved for the person he is - I did give him an Ensign article by Boyd K Packer - I go to major events in his life and he invites my family, I will if he ever has a partner also invite them along. He has also been appointed guardian in case something happens to my husband and I - because he has taken the discussion lessons, and attended church functions so he can help them remain church members - he may not agree with the way I choose to live my life but he respects me no matter what so I give him the same in return.

My experience with my family members has been keeping them close and that means accepting their chosen partners as their choice. My Mum has never been able to accept that my husband was my choice to make - he is a beautiful, kind decent man but she hates him because he is LDS - through that I have lost my Mum she no longer speaks to us.

Personally if it was my child I would explain my position and from then on in respect their choice of partner. Like my in laws did with their daughter who dated and married at least one gang member and got involved in some bad relationships they kept her close and respected it was her choice which means everytime she gets in a very bad mess she has been able to come home and has never strayed to far from church and has actually chosen to let her children go with my Mother in Law. I doubt if my Mother in Law had been hostile to her daughter's bad choices she would now be taking her daughter to church with her most Sundays.

-Charley

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May I point out, for the sake of homosexual members that I know on this board, and for the sake of clarification, that homosexuality itself is not a sin, it's a temptation. To act on it is a sin, as is the case with every temptation. Sorry, I'm not trying to ridicule anything in your post, rebuke you, or cause trouble in any way, I just wanted to clarify. It's a struggle for members because it basically means choosing to be celibate, and for those that do I believe that a greater blessing and a glorious crown awaits them than some heterosexual people.

Thank you for the clarification. I did only mean the ones acting on their impulses. I know that the temptation isn't wrong but acting on it is. I assumed everyone knew what i meant. Anyway if I offended someone I apologize. Thanks.

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Some of my best friends from high school are homosexual. I also have friends who are alcoholics, addicts, are sexually active outside of marriage, etc. I do not condone their sinful methods, but continue the friendships where possible.

The way I treat them is like this: first, I am their friend. As long as they follow my home rules and don't display their orientation in my home, they are welcome to be there. I tell them that while I do not approve of their lifestyle, I do approve of being their friend.

If they are willing to respect your views, and you can focus on areas that you do have in common, then you can have a great relationship with many peoples you may not have all things in common with.

Thank you for your input. My nephew is gay and he distanced himself from his whole family. I don't want to alienate my daughter as my children are my lifeline. I had a good friend who was gay and he just died a few years ago from hepatitus C and aids. He knew how I felt but he was a great friend, always there when I needed someone. It just feels different when it is an immediate family member.

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This reminds me of the family, in a story, in which the Mother-in-Law never could bring herself to accept her child's spouse. She was very hard on him, and yet she wondered why they never came to visit so she could see her darling grandchildren.

It is unfortunate when disapproval can drive a wedge between members of a family.

So far it hasn't distanced her from me, and when I said those thiings, I meant that I didn't want to hear about their personal life, or how happy they are together. My daughter is living with me now and we get a long great. I don't brood about it or harp about it. I have told her how I felt and I feel that is all I need to say. My own struggles are internal and I keep them to myself or try to find answers on how I can deal with it and not to do any harm to our relationship in the process

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I think you can state your position and still love the person.

My Mum had an affair with another woman when I was 15-17 - Rosy was great and I treated her with the same respect I would have done any other partner my Mum had moved in, I was very sad when they split up Rosy had been my stability during those years.

My Dad has several women on the go - one I adore she is amazing beautiful woman with whom I have a very deep bond, she is however married to a man who I think may be homosexual and she lives with him some of the week, he offered her a divorce but my Dad wouldn't commit so she didn't bother, the other I know about I don't like at all but when she was ill I still sent her flowers etc but I still made it clear to my Dad I was not going to cover for him, when he was cheating on someone now number 1 woman knows about number 2 I have also told the lady I like if a man treated me that way he would be out and she is worth so much more. But I invite Dad and his chosen partner to the events in mine and my childrens lives and I treat them with love and respect I have a friendship with one but not with the other - I didn't like her I thought she vindictive before she slept with my Dad,

My bestfriend is homosexual - and quite frankly an amazing man we have been friends since high school and my husband calls him my other husband. He knows my views but still I was the first person he came out to and I was glad he did it gave him a chance to talk and still be loved for the person he is - I did give him an Ensign article by Boyd K Packer - I go to major events in his life and he invites my family, I will if he ever has a partner also invite them along. He has also been appointed guardian in case something happens to my husband and I - because he has taken the discussion lessons, and attended church functions so he can help them remain church members - he may not agree with the way I choose to live my life but he respects me no matter what so I give him the same in return.

My experience with my family members has been keeping them close and that means accepting their chosen partners as their choice. My Mum has never been able to accept that my husband was my choice to make - he is a beautiful, kind decent man but she hates him because he is LDS - through that I have lost my Mum she no longer speaks to us.

Personally if it was my child I would explain my position and from then on in respect their choice of partner. Like my in laws did with their daughter who dated and married at least one gang member and got involved in some bad relationships they kept her close and respected it was her choice which means everytime she gets in a very bad mess she has been able to come home and has never strayed to far from church and has actually chosen to let her children go with my Mother in Law. I doubt if my Mother in Law had been hostile to her daughter's bad choices she would now be taking her daughter to church with her most Sundays.

-Charley

Thank you for your input. I do not bad mouth the other girl, as I know it will drive a wedge between us and I might lose her. The other girl is quite nice and as I said before we were friends, when I was told about their relationship, I was shocked, my daughter had boyfriends in the past so I was not expecting anything like this. The girl has emailed me since then and said she didn't want to lose me as a friend. I did tell her that we could be friends. I said that as long as we could keep our friendship seperate from her and my daughters relationship then things will be fine. I told her I think she is a very good person but the lifestyle was wrong.

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