Are you a gamer's widow?


ZionWoman
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I'm just thinking about this a lot and I wondered exactly how common this problem is. Does your husband spend hours and hours on the computer/x-box/Wii gaming? Does he come home from work, peck on the cheek, wave to the kids and disappear into the basement/den/computer room and not emerge again until late in the night?

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This was a dealbreaker for me when I was dating. I had dated a few guys who were addicted, and after about two, I decided that that was one thing I specifically DID NOT want in a husband. So we talked about it while we were dating. We will never own an Xbox, or anything like it. Perhaps someday a Wii (or its next generation), but more for the sports-type activities that can be done as families.

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This was a dealbreaker for me when I was dating. I had dated a few guys who were addicted, and after about two, I decided that that was one thing I specifically DID NOT want in a husband. So we talked about it while we were dating. We will never own an Xbox, or anything like it. Perhaps someday a Wii (or its next generation), but more for the sports-type activities that can be done as families.

Good on ya! I talked to my husband about it before we got married too. I did not want ugliness brought in through video games. We agreed to keep our game systems to Nintendo varieties bc I like Mario Bros. Games but that all games would have to be G-rated (this was before the rating system - wow did I just make myself look old?) He complies, mostly. I think his weekly online game involves blowing other people to pieces. :o:o:o

^_^

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hmm...my hubby plays when he gets the chance. He works alot so thats his way to unwind. And well I let him be. I'm not going to complain, as long as he still puts his family first! And he does. We go out we take our daughter out. We all have fun. Its his hobby. I do admit at first I HATED IT...but just came to realize I don't want to be that "wife" who will have him give up his hobbies, so like i said i let him be as long as we come first! And he does the same for me! :) Life is good.

As far as what game he plays? World of Warcraft...If anyone knows about this game you know how life is...hahaha, he has actually tried to get me into it as well (twice) Me? Not so much...I can't stand sitting in a chair for more than an hour...so i gave up, besides I got lost in the game...ROFL...it works though.

I know that sometimes this gets so serious it ends up in divorce...sadly but i've seen it happen!!!

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Good on ya! I talked to my husband about it before we got married too. I did not want ugliness brought in through video games. We agreed to keep our game systems to Nintendo varieties bc I like Mario Bros. Games but that all games would have to be G-rated (this was before the rating system - wow did I just make myself look old?) He complies, mostly. I think his weekly online game involves blowing other people to pieces. :o:o:o

^_^

speaking as someone who enjoys playing it can be very therapeutic lol - we have Buffy the Vampire Slayer which I do enjoy I get to kick his butt. Maybe you could suggest games you can be involved with together? Is there anything you like - I love strategy or Role Play Games and we build city together or control a Sim or we sit and enjoy the story with the Role Playing Games - we are weighing up which new Console to buy I am interested by the Wii but the PS3 has Suikoden 5 coming out on it a game I have played since the original - we do limit it to one console plus a couple of DS's in the family though.

Also its nice for my hubby, he gets to go online and play with his friends from home, when he does this I get on with some sewing or reading, but we sit in the same room

-Charley

Edited by Elgama
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I used to play video games like there was nothing else in life. One day I just didn't care to play them anymore. My wife plays more video games than I do. These days I'm usually on the computer, or at least I leave it on and multi-task because I read through forums, do research, write stories, all while working on laundry, working out or doing other activities. I don't consider myself a video junkie, but I could definitely budget my time and activities more intelligently.

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My first game was the original nintendo and the game that came with it, Zelda. When all the kids went to bed and later when my wife went to bed I would stay up and play until 2 AM. Once that was conquered I didn't play much for years. Then we got a computer. I have been a player of Starcraft for years. Again I only play after everyone is in bed. Now I play Command & Conquer on the computer, on the Xbox and also have a Wii system for the grandkids. :)

All my gaming is still done after wife has gone to bed. I hever let gaming get in the way of my fatherly or husbandly responsibilities.

Ben Raines

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My SIL has fallen into the internet and drowned. . . in the gaming. Her teenage son is getting Fs because he's gaming. Her autistic child is not getting the therapies he needs. And her 8yo daugher is neglected. My brother's job takes him out of town 4-5 days a week.

she also filed for divorce.

I'm not dis-ing gaming. . . but it needs boundaries.

applepansy

Edited by applepansy
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My husband and I play together, and actually make a good deal of money on the side selling services to other gamers.

I've never had a problem with gaming because this is a hobby that we enjoy together and it hasn't become an issue of relationship neglect. If it were to become a problem, the computers and systems would go on ebay. Family shouldn't be second to an electronic box.

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My husband spends way too much time playing stupid World of Warcraft. I don't mind so much when he only spends an hour or so playing, but he gets too involved and loses track of time. I try to pull him away, but he doesn't realize he spends so much time on there.

It's better than it used to be though. It finally got to the point a little over a year ago that I left him for a short amount of time. I told him he needed to decide between his games and his family. Lucky for him he knows what's important, because it's getting to that point again. If he doesn't cut back a LOT, he's going to have to decide again.

And I'm not overreacting, even though he thinks I am. It gets bad enough that I can't trust him to take care of my girls when I'm not home. He was home with the baby today while I was at church. I came home to find her covered in my mascara completely naked, and he had no idea. We've already almost lost her once, and she wasn't even being neglected at the time. I'm not going to allow him to take chances like that.

Just the last few days I've actually considered shutting off our internet. I probably would have already, but I need it to homeschool my daughter.

Edited by Kyra
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He plays World of Warcrack. He has probably 20 odd characters on there but will with a certain favorite for a while. Right now the character he is on has been played 67 days. Thats 67 days X 24 hrs. Of course, probably about 5 days of that is idle time, when he's done on WoW but doesn't sign off, until it auto signs off. Still, if that character is 6 months old that's 8 hours every day. I'm not sure how old that character is, but not more than a year, probably about 8 months. SO we got in a big fight, and now he's finally eating dinner with us. That is nice. ANd look, right now I'm on the computer! Shocking. It's kind of like, if I come home and he's NOT on the computer I think either the computer broke or he's throwing up sick. It's been a little better, but today when I commented how many hours he played his one character he said 'there's a lot of people who play more than me.' I said 'so there are wives out there more miserable than me?' He asked if I was miserable and I said 'sometimes i"m so sick of the computer, of only seeing you on it, it's not easy.' Not sure if he was listening though.

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  • 2 weeks later...

WoW Widows have two options:

A. Start a character and play with him.

B. Uninstall the game and throw the disks away. Block Blizzard's website so he cannot order anymore copies. Follow this action by grabbing a can of gasoline and burning your local GameStop to the ground. Your spouses will sift through the ashes to find a copy, so make sure you slash their tires so they can't get to the crimescene. Even then, you may just have to cut his fingers off while he sleeps.

I'm serious, World of Warcraft and Everquest are two of the most addictive games i've ever played. WoW is the game my husband and I play. We make lots of money selling gold and characters to people like your husbands. They will never get enough ladies.

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I was a gaming addict when I was in high school. I went to school, and I still did my homework, but every moment of my free time went to my Playstation. I thought about the games in class at school, what would I do next, what strategy to employ, review the story thus far in my head...

If your husband (or significant other, for everyone else) hasn't heard this from you yet, he needs to. He can't respond to or respect your feelings if he doesn't know about them. Ask him to make a little more time to actively be with you and the kids - even if just an hour after he comes home, before he goes to play. Whatever it is, there has to be some sort of concrete, measurable action to be taken, so both of you are on the same page as to what the expectations are.

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  • 1 month later...

During my first year of marriage I wrote a poem titled "Computer Widow". It speaks of this situation. At that time he was addicted to Diablo and Star Craft. Since then I have actually come to join him in his games. Currently we play World of Warcraft together. Though it has been a good place for us to play together it has also resulted in fights over things in game, time spent online, and other such things. Through playing games we became lax on housework, food preparation, and many other things. Currently we are working at spending less time on the game and more time on real life.

Priorities are the important thing here, computer games are not inherently evil, however they do tend to bring out the addictive nature in people. They are a place for escape and they are structured to make the gamer want to come back again and again to finish their goals online. People become attached to their characters and to the people they interact with online (if it is a massive multiuser game) they find reasons to stay on longer and play just a little more.

Creating a character on WoW (World of Warcraft) was enlightening for me because I learned what it was like to play the game. Thus when my husband hit the top level I could easily say, "You don't need to find an inn, you can log out anywhere, do it now and get off the computer." Or I could tell him exactly what he should do to get himself off the game the quickest, there was no more, "Oh I need to find a safe place." excuse.

The problem that comes from gaming at times is that when you are not playing the game you don't really see what the game comes to mean to the gamer, so thoughts of unplugging or burning the game seem reasonable. Unfortunately it only causes hurt feelings and aggrivation.

Truthfully one thing I have learned since becomeing married is that for a person to change they have to decide to change themselves, you can never force another person to change themselves, you can only give advice.

The issue really is priorities though, the game becomes the top priority and everything else becomes secondary. Recently my bishop made this comment, "In life our priorities should be like this: 1st our relationship with God, 2nd our relationship with our spouse, 3rd our relationship with our children, 4th our relationship with the church. Everything else comes below that and playing video games should rank far below those top four."

Make proper priorities the goal, and make gaming something that can be done when there is spare time. Do chores and housework first and then when everything is done treat yourself with some time gaming, and give time limits. It can be difficult but the truth of the matter is, we can not take the games with us when we die, but our relationships with our families and with God we do take with us. Isn't it more important that we set our priorities in such a way that when we die we do not mourn the time we wasted on pixels on a computer screen.

(sorry for getting so preachy, it is a product of much thought on this very subject)

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  • 5 weeks later...

I met my fiance in Final Fantasy IX, we got married in game almost 2 years ago :D haha that sounds really silly when I write it down.

WoW (I tried it a bit) and FFXI have a few things in common. You have to play hours to get to higher level goodies, and then when you're high level you have to play (usually scheduled) hours more to get the higher level goodies. And then there's the feeling that if you leave a party or scheduled event you're letting your fellow players down. Yes, family is more important, but when you have the opportunity and it's been scheduled for weeks beforehand to fight a certain monster or whatever and something IRL comes up it's a letdown, to be honest. Video games for some reason make your brain release those feel-good chemicals, and then there's the sheer competition. It can be very addicting. FFXI has a screen before you log on that says basically make sure you don't neglect your family, job, and school for this game, it's not worth it. And WoW has a feature that will shut the game off after a certain amount of time has passed.

These are just games, and in 5 years these game addicts will be wondering why they started playing in the first place. Moderation is key, and it took me a little bit of time to get my gaming down. I can go whole weeks without logging on, and when I do it's usually to play around with my fiance (we're talisyn and zetsuei on garuda if anyone plays lol). My advice is to persevere, keep up the reminders of why you're a family, and maybe post little lists of 'how to tell if you have an addiction' on the fridge.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Before we even had a TV or a game sys, we used to go to the arcade together. Then it was Playstation for years. Now it's Warcraft. I used to play more than I do (which is rarely, now), he probably plays more than he ever used to. The only thing that really bugs me is that he CANNOT leave an online game, not even if we're hosting a family dinner. So he works on not starting a game when it's too close to dinner time (they usu take an hour). Well, it also bugs me that his conversations with me go on auto-pilot.

But I have found that I can still snuggle up to him, rub his back, follow his exploits. I figure it's not really much different than guys who can't turn off a football game.

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