Should we take away our 19-year-old's phone and car?


mutant
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so, just a few things to consider. i know that any teen/young adult my age would definately not want to be treated like a little child, but i also think that if some of us choose to act stupid, we need to be treated that way, you know what i mean? a good sit-down discussion should also be on the schedule. please keep us updated on what's going on, seeing and reading through this post piqued my interest. good luck!!

ruthie, that WAS the whole point of my reply, in case you missed the last part. i'm sorry if it wasn't worded clearly enough :) (wouldn't be the first time! haha) sorry!

Edited by eternalpromise516
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speaking from the perspective of a soon-to-be 19 year old, so i may ramble a bit.

i was lucky to receive what essentially amounts to a full-ride to my college (not including books), and the small part that my scholarship didn't cover ($649 compared to a tuition of 42420), my mom and grandma have graciously covered for me, along with helping me pay for my books and the purchase of my beautiful laptop. jobs around here on campus are fairly rare, but if i had the oppertunity to work i would definately be doing so. it would be difficult for me to hold a full-time job in addition to maintaining the course load that a Music Ed major here has to. i have a car that used to be my mom's, and she pays our insurance (both her van and my car), while i pay for the gas using gift cards i've received and what little spare money i have scraped together, and if i need help getting home, then i get it.

back in my freshman year of high school, i abused my cell phone and my mom took it away for a while (around 6 months), and i only got it back after i regained her trust. i learned my lesson through having to experience the consequences of my actions, which i think may need to happen in this situation.

if you feel that you should take away her cell phone, perhaps this next tidbit would be an idea for you to consider. depending on your carrier, you could temporarily "trade-in" her phone for one of those meant for smaller children that only have room for them to call certain people and 911. for example, the one they have for what used to be cingular, the parent has the control to add contacts, and the user can only call those pre-approved contacts and 911. there's also one out there called the firefly. perhaps getting one of these could be a way to still let her have a phone for safety, but gives her the message that if you act like a child, you'll be treated like one.

so, just a few things to consider. i know that any teen/young adult my age would definately not want to be treated like a little child, but i also think that if some of us choose to act stupid, we need to be treated that way, you know what i mean? a good sit-down discussion should also be on the schedule. please keep us updated on what's going on, seeing and reading through this post piqued my interest. good luck!!

Thank you for posting from your perspective. You are light years beyond some of your contemporaries. :)

applepansy

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks to all of you who have responded to our request for ideas. I thought I would give you an update of the situation. Our daughter met her boyfriend at a party of one of her girlfriends. Just recently, though a mutual friend, we learned that our daughter engaged in sex with her boyfriend only four days after this initial meeting. So since that time she has been lying to us about this and several other things. The "sleep-overs" occurred in her boyfriends home, which is shared by several of his roommates. Anyway, all of your posts have helped us deal with this. One of you even mentioned that you had done the same thing and lied to your parents about it. That's the post that helped me really put things altogether to realize that she wasn't as innocent as she claimed. We are just dumbfounded at how quickly she has fallen from a young lady who was in the relief society presidency, excelled at piano, school, helping around the house, being a friend (especially to her mother), etc. We suspect that part of the problem could have been the music she listened to. It wasn't music that I could tolerate much of (I'm an oldies fan, and for some reason all of my kids hate this music--music that actually has a tune that can be sung along with...). Some of you wondered why we were paying for anything at all. I remember going to school and getting next to no help from my parents, and I got through it OK. So did my wife. Our daughter was paying her own tuition and for the cost of the dorm room when she was attending college, so our only real support was a moderately old car and the cell phone. We were happy to do that as long as she lived by our standards and was actively bettering herself through education. She also had a job and paid for her own sundries such as food. Perhaps helping her out was a mistake, but I don't know that that would have made any difference in the choices she has made in her life. She thinks that parents should live and just let their kids live. That's OK by me, but NOT on my dime, hence the decision to cut off the cell phone and car. And after Christmas we've decided she no longer welcome to live here 1/3 permanently. It just seems to us that if her boyfriend is enjoying the perks of marriage without marriage, then he can also enjoy paying the expenses of it (or she can). Bottom line is that as parents we are heartbroken. Our oldest son has turned into an athiest and has pretty much only contempt for the Church. Our youngest finds church to be incredibly boring and only finds entertainment with video games to be worth pursuing. There's hope for our second to youngest. But we pray for them all. Satan is certainly doing his best at raging in the hearts of men. With the economy crumbling and freedoms eroding, we are in for some very rough times ahead. God bless you all.

D.

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Guest DeborahC

Bring up your children in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.

Please do not be disheartened, and please continue to pray daily for your children.

It's often the brightest minds that insist on touching the stove.

I strongly suspect that they will return to the Church when they have tested their wings a bit.

It is normal for them to want to go out into the world.

While there, the truths they've learned from you and the Church will be shown to them again and again.

By making their OWN decisions, they will be stronger members in the end.

Honestly, I really do believe this.

Faith which is tested is often stronger than blind faith.

Even the Amish allow their young people a time in the world, and then they must decide.

There is every reason to believe your children will return to the fold.

You've done a good job - don't feel guilty at all!

I would pray for their protection while they're fledging -- and that they come home strong.

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  • 1 month later...

I hope you get through it without much more heartache, mutant. I know that the particular situation you are in is extremely difficult, and as a young man, I know that cutting off your support of her lifestyle is the best.

It is possible to support yourself and go to school, if I didn't have a wife and child, it would be much easier, but I manager to work full time, go to school half time, pay my way through with grants and my own money, while still not forcing my wife to work. She has elected to stay at home with the baby, and we get by without much trouble. It can be done, and hopefully her wayward days will be short lived.

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Keep praying and keep nourishing your testimony. There is so much hope. I was in your daughters shoes. I broke my parents hearts. But I'm back, back in church, back on my knees in prayer, back where I need to be. Be her example, even when she's not looking to you, and it will make a difference.

You're right to cut her off. When my parents cut me off and wouldn't even let me see my siblings because of some piercings I'd received, it made me mad, but I did take them out, and I'm glad they made it hard to follow the wrong path and so much easier when I turned around.

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That's a toughie. I don't think I would be paying for those things in the first place. My parents shared their car with me when I was in college and they paid for my insurance. My dad said if I got any tickets, I would have to start paying for my own insurance.

I would take away the car if that's how she's getting to her boyfriend's place, telling her that we are paying for her car so she can use it for responsible purposes, but not to go sleep over with her boyfriend.

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  • 2 weeks later...

just a note...I think the question was should he take away the car/phone as a CONSEQUENCE for what she's doing. It's not a question of whether or not he should be paying for them in the first place. That's completely up to him. What it sounds like is wondering what the appropriate consequence should be.

Sorry to point out the obvious, but I'm just stunned at all the comments that start out stating how they had the wouldn't be paying for a 19yr olds stuff period.

I don't think that was the original debate.

(I may be repeating what's already been said...I'm only on page 3 of reading)

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  • 5 months later...

A couple years ago I was 19 and would have sleepovers with my boyfriend...we pushed the boundaries and fooled around and it progressively got worse and 1.5 years later we were having sex. When I first starting coming home late my parents basically told me I wasn't welcome in their home, so i moved out into my own rental house where he could stay anytime he wanted. 2 years later I am trying desperately to repent and finding it to be the hardest thing i've ever been through...I would love to be able to have the support of my family, I feel stuck and completely alone, but they made it clear that they wanted to hear nothing about it so I am alone.

Don't forget that while she is making all the wrong choices now, eventually she will come to realize it and find it incredibly difficult to truly repent and start making all the right choices. Please make it clear that you will be there for her when that happens...I wish I had my parents right now.

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Just read your update, so reposting

Please if you can for your youngers do more family times, create memories. Be happy at home. Allow only uplifting things to be in your home, including TV. If your watching something that invites the spirit or satan in your home. My dad, love the man, good LDS man, but cannot get rid of the Sci Fi addiction. He spends a lot of time on the computer instead of with the grandkids and us when we visit. We finally got rid of the tv, missed it at first but glad it's gone. Other things will occupy your time, take you away from your kids.

I think the most important thing you can do is make memories with them. Make sure to laugh a lot and notice the small things. The video games are going to tear them away. They are a waste of time and don't involve family in it.

Edited by Solsalia
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Just read your update, so reposting

Please if you can for your youngers do more family times, create memories. Be happy at home. Allow only uplifting things to be in your home, including TV. If your watching something that invites the spirit or satan in your home. My dad, love the man, good LDS man, but cannot get rid of the Sci Fi addiction. He spends a lot of time on the computer instead of with the grandkids and us when we visit. We finally got rid of the tv, missed it at first but glad it's gone. Other things will occupy your time, take you away from your kids.

I think the most important thing you can do is make memories with them. Make sure to laugh a lot and notice the small things. The video games are going to tear them away. They are a waste of time and don't involve family in it.

While I absolutely agree with the above post and the importance of creating trusting/bonding relationships with family and parents, I don't know if this is the only safe guard for helping kids stay obedient. In fact, I know of a situation that couldn't have created more warm family memories and scrapbook photo ops and yet still there was immorality in the secretive choices of the children.

I wonder if it is also important to teach self control and personal responsibility all along. And I mean sexual self control as well as emotional and otherwise. My parents bailed me out as a teen. If I put my checking account over, they would pay it. I appreciated my parents for helping me when I got into trouble, but it delayed my ability to stand on my own. I think perhaps they should have required me to at least pay it back with interest, or some other such thing. I think they wanted me to know that I could always come to them. Well, sadly I did.

I am now a mother of a few little people and I am seeing them stretch their agency wings and I am sure they will make mistakes. Can't know what that will be yet, but I hope like other parents that it isn't these kinds. It seems though that Satan is going to use sexual immorality against the very best of kids, so I must be ready for the full frontal attack. I hope I know what to do when the time comes.

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You are also correct, I guess my example is just a beggining.

Also you can't change free choices too. No matter how well you bring them up there will always be their choice eventually.

I too have little ones and it scares me the choices they will probably make. Don't even want to think about it!

Edited by Solsalia
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I agree you make time as a parent for children when they are younger and it pays off later as they raise thier own children(grandchildren). And this next set of statements address the previous postings generally.. But to say that teenagers or young adults will not make choices inspite of religious training is very foolish. They do and will make choices and we as parents can not stop them only love advise and council but eventually.. as my parents would say" you make your bed and you lay in it ..meaning we are responsible for our own choices. Parents may take the resposibility away for a time by paying the cell phone bills or college but eventually when the parents stop or die or the trust fund runs out the buck stops here. This is the natural consequence and can not be stopped by bishops,parents,grandparents and even God himself seldom intervenes with natural events of our lives as this life is still a test for teenagers and young adults no matter how different the world is today.

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  • 2 months later...

So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex. The boyfriend is 8 years older and divorced and a convert who had admitted to having sex with about 8 other girls. Now, our question is, should we put up with this.

Thanks!

At 19 why did you give her anything?

She's an adult, and seemingly engaging in adult activities. The idea that her and her sleep over boyfriend are not "doing" it is hopelessly naive.

Pull the goodies, there is nothing to lose, and she shouldn't have had them in the first place.

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I run one of our family businesses and I love absorbing any kind of training I can... recently I came across the idea that any great manager properly manages conditions.

When I was 19 my dad gave me very clear instructions and set out conditions at the begining of my summer employment in between university semesters... I was to have a determined amount saved to go towards my fall schooling if I wanted the continued support of my parents... if not I would be responsible to pay 100% of my schooling and would need to make other sleeping arrangements! Two weeks before the deadline I was nowhere close to what was required so I went to my parents, took responsibility for my foolish ways, moved out voluntarily, and found a job. I missed the following semester at school but I managed to get a student loan and worked full time through the next two semesters... now during that time I did move in with my girlfriend (which ended horribly) but I always knew I could trust my parents to mean what they say and say what they mean... it was a valuable lesson for me...

I was inactive from the church for a couple years when this happened and it remained that way until I was 23 years old BUT because of numerous prayers and the unconditional love of my parents guiding them to set conditions for my through the guidance of the Spirit I am now 34 years old and have served in the Branch Presidency for the past 7 ½ years, the last 3 ½ as the Branch President... I now have 4 children of my own and know the lessons of long-suffering are just getting started!

Follow the Spirit!

Sean

LearningTheGospel.com

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