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mutant

Should we take away our 19-year-old's phone and car?

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Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the dormitory would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex. The boyfriend is 8 years older and divorced and a convert who had admitted to having sex with about 8 other girls. Now, our question is, should we put up with this. It seems counterproductive to throw her out. It seems stupid to do nothing. We're contemplating taking away her phone and car which we pay for. We also wonder if she wouldn't just get angry and move in with him. When we talk to her about this she is giggly about the whole thing and basically ignores us and sneaks out of the house to continue the nocturnal activity. Has anyone else had this problem and figured out a way to deal with it?

Thanks!

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if she's living in your house you have every right to tell her no. if she chooses to move out because she can't follow your rules, that's her choice. she's 19. but it is your house. your roof. if you're paying for her phone and car you have every right to take it away. although i don't see how that helps solve the problem, i'd think it would just make her lash out more.

i'd sit down with her and set ground rules. and if she can't follow them, she would have to choose to live else where.

just my opinion.

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Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the dormitory would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex. The boyfriend is 8 years older and divorced and a convert who had admitted to having sex with about 8 other girls. Now, our question is, should we put up with this. It seems counterproductive to throw her out. It seems stupid to do nothing. We're contemplating taking away her phone and car which we pay for. We also wonder if she wouldn't just get angry and move in with him. When we talk to her about this she is giggly about the whole thing and basically ignores us and sneaks out of the house to continue the nocturnal activity. Has anyone else had this problem and figured out a way to deal with it?

Thanks!

Hello mutant, welcome... are you an active member of the church? I'm only asking because if you are then when you talk to your daughter you'll have the church's teachings to help you discuss her values. But whether you are or not, it's always a good time to discuss what's important to her value system and find out how she feels about the sacredness of having sex at the right time with the right person.

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I think that if she doesn't agree to what rules are layed down, instead of taking her car away, have her pay for it. She feels like she is old enough to just to not obey the rules, then maybe she should just pay for her own things, that way she can one...choose to obey your rules, which by the way i think is really dumb that just cuz her friends had sleepovers with thier bfs doesn't mean she should do it too. if anything it just makes her look like "S**T" so You have every right to want to punish her

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As a father of former teenagers, one of whom I kicked out of my house for bringing girls and booze into my home, I can tell you that just as Father in Heaven has a prescribed set of consequences for commandments broken, so should we. Your house rules should be respected and she should act her age. My advice is to lovingly and firmly make her understand that she is not a child anymore and is not welcome in your home if she will not abide by your rules. She is bound to do what she wants and you can only be there for her, but the time for raising her is past. It is time that she understands that governing herself means making correct choices and living with them. Otherwise you will be the one suffering for her mistakes. I know. I wouldn't "enable" her further with privileges until she understands her boundaries.

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Personally, I don't think you should be paying for her phone and car to begin with, but that's not my point. :)

I think it sounds like she does need some consequences for breaking house rules, but they ought to have more to do with the rule in question. When I was a teenager and slammed my bedroom door (which was against the rules in our house), my mom had my dad take the door off its hinges for a week. I just didn't have a door. When I was 10, she found a pile of clean laundry dumped on the floor in my closet (laundry she had washed, dried, and folded, and given to me to put away). After that I started doing my own laundry. One time she took away my mattress for a week, and I had to sleep on the floor (I don't remember what my offense was this time). You could do something like that. If she's going to disobey house rules regarding her bed (mattress) or bedroom (door), simply remove them. Perhaps a week without them will teach her their value.

Or perhaps it might teach her to sneak out the window, which is also her choice.

Edited by Wingnut
too wordy...got rid of a "them"

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Personally, I don't think you should be paying for her phone and car to begin with, but that's not my point. :)

I think it sounds like she does need some consequences for breaking house rules, but they ought to have more to do with the rule in question. When I was a teenager and slammed my bedroom door (which was against the rules in our house), my mom had my dad take the door off its hinges for a week. I just didn't have a door. When I was 10, she found a pile of clean laundry dumped on the floor in my closet (laundry she had washed, dried, and folded, and given to me to put away). After that I started doing my own laundry. One time she took away my mattress for a week, and I had to sleep on the floor (I don't remember what my offense was this time). You could do something like that. If she's going to disobey house rules regarding her bed (mattress) or bedroom (door), simply remove them. Perhaps a week without them will teach her the value of them.

Or perhaps it might teach her to sneak out the window, which is also her choice.

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A nineteen year old shouldn't be depending on mommy and daddy for non-necessities like a car and phone anyway. But that's neither here nor there.

Not only would I take away those things, but I would sit down and have a VERY frank, open conversation with her. There is no way she is not having sex with her boyfriend. I conned my parents into believing that one too when I was her age.

You may not be able to stop her from doing it elsewhere, but you certainly don't have to enable it. You guys have to have an honest conversation about this with her, because while she may continue to do it (and at 19 you can't really prevent her from doing it) you have an obligation to make sure she hasn't gotten some STD from this guy. He's been with several partners, her risk factor is high.

So long as she is dependent upon you financially, you most certainly make the rules.

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My view; I believe that when teenagers reach this age they should have already learned respect for their parents. They should have a few basic rules and suffer the consequences if they don't adhere to them. They should be punished but never to the point that they are cornered and have no way out. Her recent actions which are a source of worry would indicate she is starting to head down a path that may lead to serious sin. Therefore, I would suggest that you sit her down, explain the dangers, your concerns, and that at if she insists on persuing this lifestyle, she is indiating to you that she wants to make all of her own decisions. Therefore, she will have to suffer those consequences which include loss of her car , phone, and even perhaps her parents paying for her college education. Let her make the choice.

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Guest ceeboo

Hi Mutant,

Sorry to be the one who offers this :(

You have a 19 year old daughter who is having " sleep overs " in the dorm with her boyfriend ( 27 )!!! You are thinking of taking her phone away :confused::confused:

A VERY DANGEROUS time for your child and IMHO you have a responsibilty to guide and parent at this crutial time in your daughter's life.

To be clear ( to focus on a serious choices issue ) certainly you don't think your daughter and her 27 year old boyfriend are coloring at these sleep overs, do you ???:confused:

YOU MUST, IMHO, Speak to her about the choices and potential life long ramifications these actions have!!! ( sorry to be so blunt but this calls for bluntness !!!)

God bless,

Carl

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I have always been willing to help support my children as long as they were doing what they were suppose to. However, if they don't follow the rules after age 18... if they are making and acting on adult decisions, then I don't pay for things like phone and car. I don't cut them off. . .I help in other ways and I never withdraw love.

You can love her without supporting her financially in a lifestyle you don't agree with.

applepansy

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Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the dormitory would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex. The boyfriend is 8 years older and divorced and a convert who had admitted to having sex with about 8 other girls. Now, our question is, should we put up with this. It seems counterproductive to throw her out. It seems stupid to do nothing. We're contemplating taking away her phone and car which we pay for. We also wonder if she wouldn't just get angry and move in with him. When we talk to her about this she is giggly about the whole thing and basically ignores us and sneaks out of the house to continue the nocturnal activity. Has anyone else had this problem and figured out a way to deal with it?

Thanks!

If you are supporting her then do it. Being of age of accountability still doesn't give her the right to misuse or abuse parental privileges.

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Guest Alana

As a former wayward 19 year old, you need to give her some hard love NOW!!! If he is sleeping over, they will have sex. If they haven't yet, they are doing everything but. She is on some dangerous grounds. Ask her, 'honey, when was the last time you said a prayer to Heavenly Father?' The answer won't be 'this morning.' If she is going to act like an adult then you treat her like an adult. No car, no phone, no tuition. If she does act out, it's not your fault AT ALL. She is making stupid choices and it has NOTHING to do with you. The only way you could encourage this is if you said 'well, sex before marriage isn't that big of a deal.' She's 19, in the dorms, she makes her own decisions. Don't support her dumb choices at all and maybe it'll help her wake up. When I wasn't allowed to see my siblings because of my facial piercings I was SO MAD. And so self righteous. But it made me open my eyes a little bit. Even though I still had a way to go before I was ready to make good choices, when I was ready, my parents sticking to their standards made all the difference in the world about how easy it was to turn back.

SO, there is the argument that if she didn't tell you, you wouldn't know. But you do know. She's telling you she's all grown up. Stop supporting her.

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As a mother of a 20 and 18 yr old with the same kind of struggles I wouldnt pay for a darn thing and she has to see how ready she really is to make adult disions how to pay for that car, insurance, gas ,tires, phone all the things shes taking for granted as a given that they just exist and now she'll know what it takes.

Boy did that sound angry lol,...see i wasnt kidding im going through the same thing.

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My girlfriend has never slept in the same bed with me overnight.. but on multiple occasions we've napped for hours together.

We've both talked it over and decided on what our goals were.. and we act accordingly. If your daughter is responsible and mature about it [which doesn't seem to be the case] I'd say let her make her own decisions.

If she's acting like a child.. treat her like a child.

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Actually it came up once as a discussion between a flatmate...she had sleepovers with her boyfriend...but they weren't doing anything she explained. A good friend, with perhaps a tad more life experience than I had, took her aside and explained that not going all the way, but fooling around, can have unintended consequences...she didn't know. I had assumed not doing anything meant just that...or perhaps it had gone a little further than it should have. In any case, it was disaster waiting to happen. Luckily she had good friends, who all gave her the same information on consequences, even if she wasn't talking about it with her parents. The transition into adulthood is a difficult thing. There IS no bailout plan. Either they can perceive the consequences or they can't and that can have sad outcomes. You can only try to help, it's up to them.

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Wow, you guys are incredibly harsh. I'm not sure I see a connection between her actions and the consequences you're suggesting. I mean, Wingnut made a good point

If I dump my clean clothes on the floor, then I have to do my own laundry.

But I don't see the logical progression of If I sleep over with my boyfriend, I have to pay for my own phone.

What's more, the girl is in college. This is exactly where you want her to be at her age. It's quite possible that the majority of her day she is doing what she should be doing at her age, leaving only a portion of her time in question. What we want to be sure we do is apply discipline in a way that encourages the positive behaviors and discourages the negative while maintaining a clear link between cause and effect. We should also consider that she is an adult and is free to make her own decisions.

I would start with grades. If her grades in school dropped below a certain threshold, I would start removing financial support. Make her find the money to pay her own tuition (if she isn't already). But make it clear you aren't going to finance a poor education. If she already pays for the tuition, then you can withdraw financial support via the phone or the car. Again, the point being, that as long as she performs well in school, you'll support her, but if she doesn't, then she needs to support herself.

Next, if she isn't paying rent, then I think it's fair that you can set a curfew. Determine a time at which she needs to be home and have her check in with you. If she doesn't like that rule, then she can pay rent. As a tenant, she may have freedom to come and go as she pleases.

Since it is your house, you can rightfully set rules about who may spend the night, and where they sleep in your house. Make it clear that she and her boyfriend may not, under any circumstances, spend the night in the same bed in your house (if in the same house at all). It's your house, so she has no legal recourse.

Likely, she will choose to spend the night at his place. Personally, I don't think there is much you can do about this one. She is an adult now, and experimentation and stupid decisions will abound. But you can have a good talk about the potential consequences. Even if they aren't having intercourse, they may be doing everything leading to it. Explain that pregnancy and STD's are still possible from these things. Also, encourage her to speak to her physician and/or gynecologist about her actions. But if she chooses to continue the activities, she needs to accept responsibility for contraceptive use as well as the possibility of a pregnancy.

Lastly, if she's going to continue these sleep overs, she should know that you might notify the bishop so that he can determine if any of their actions justify disciplinary action (assuming you're LDS). Depending on what she's doing, if she isn't willing to repent, she should know that she may find her membership in the Church in jeopardy.

I don't advocate these suggestions as the best course of action. This is what I would do if it were my daughter. But if I find my daughter in such a situation, I may alter this plan in a way I feel is appropriate. You know your daughter better than we do, and probably understand how she will react better than we do. But I do encourage you to make the consequences a logical result of her actions.

Finally, and this is of little comfort, she is an adult and may decide she prefers to make poor choices right now. As much as it hurts, let her. Do what you can to encourage good decisions, but give her the freedom to make bad decisions. And while it is okay to express disappointment, don't ever show anger. Always keep those channels of communication available and comfortable.

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While I see the point of taking her phone away as a consequence of her actions because you pay for it, I think that is probably one of the worst things you can do. That phone is her life line to you. Do what you will with the car, but what happens if something happens between her and this boyfriend that she isnt comfortable with or decides to leave and is without a car, with the rapid disappearance of payphones I would want her to have that phone if she ever needed me, hopefully heading off any other bad decisions she could make.

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I'm not American so it will colour my views on this slightly.

I can't help but feel she is 19 and its time to trust your teaching of her,I assume you are paying for her phone and car because she is going to college? as long as she is going to college, and getting the grades you expect then I think its unfair to remove priviledges she has for doing what you are paying for.

I think you should sit and talk to her, explain you are worried and suggest maybe you go and see your Bishop together for guidelines. I know in the UK 19 is a lot more grown up than in the US, but whilst I didn't do anything I didn't want my parents to know about at college, there is no way they would have had as much information about me as you do about your daughter, and I wonder if you remove financial support will she actually just leave college, and make a far bigger mess of her future?

-Charley

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Guest DeborahC

Well, I'm amazed that a parent would pay for a 19 year old's phone and car!

I'd be taking away both simply because she needs to learn to support herself!

You're handicapping her, in my opinion, by paying her way... boyfriend or not.

Bottom line is that she's going to do what she wants as far as the boys goes ... she's 19.

She may rebel and move out.. but sounds to me like she can't support herself if she can't pay rent, telephone, or car payments???

I'd cut the apron strings, but I'm a mean old mom ::laughing::

The idea that the phone is "her lifeline to you" is not valid, in my opinion.

After all, generations upon generations up until this current generation have managed to live without cell phones.. quite happily, I'll add!

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Well, I'm amazed that a parent would pay for a 19 year old's phone and car!

My daughter is 19 and I assist her in paying for her cell phone and gas for her car. She is going to college and is paying this all by herself of which I'm extremely proud. Plus she pays for all her dance instruction for the dance company she belongs to. So the majority of her very small checks are going directly to support her college courses and dance.

Cell phone and gas money is a small price to pay for the comfort of knowing she can contact me at any time if she needs me.

Edited by pam

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Guest DeborahC

I have three sons: 37, 33, and 28.

Each paid for their OWN college, including the one in college now.

The one who drives paid for his OWN car.

None ever needed a cell phone while they were growing up. ::shrug::

I guess it just is a personal choice.

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I have three sons: 37, 33, and 28.

Each paid for their OWN college, including the one in college now.

The one who drives paid for his OWN car.

None ever needed a cell phone while they were growing up. ::shrug::

I guess it just is a personal choice.

Let's face it, your kids grew up in a far different time than today. And they are grown men, much different than a 19 year-old girl who, due to circumstances, is often in places which can be dangerous in today's world. I will happily pay for my daughter's cell phone until she can afford to pay it herself, if it means she is able to communicate with me instantly if need be.

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I would not take away her phone or the car. What if something were to happen and she needed to flee and call you? Would you take away her safety net?

I would not kick her out or use ultimatums. Would you have her feel that her safety net is her boyfriend? Would you cut off her lifeline from her family?

I think it's odd that people are saying you need to cut the apron strings. How many of those people still call their parents for advice? Oh, cut off those apron strings, figure your crap out for yourself...... Hm, I don't like that attitude. It stinks.

I really do not understand this fixation that just because you're 18 or 19 years old that you should magically be able to support yourself AND go to school. My father in law wasn't able to and that was back in the good ol' days. He joined the army so he could live. I would not have been able to support myself at that age (I'm 29 now), not without moving in with people who were NOT Mormon and would NOT have been the best of influences.

If my mother had kicked me out for having sex with my boyfriend or essentially did for making rules that she knew I would not or could not follow I would not have taken it well at all. I would have left and the wonderful relationship I have with her now would not be there. Yes, I was one of those "adult" girls (19) who had sex before marriage (though I married my boyfriend). Yes, I did it against my parents wishes (and they were very clear on their stance of the choices I was making) and against God's wishes, and yes there were consequences to that (such as not being able to participate in church activities beyond attendance). Yes it led to one helluva repentance process but that DID NOT HAPPEN UNTIL I WAS READY. You CAN NOT FORCE SOMEONE TO REPENT. It MUST come from within, and when that time happens she will need you but if you screw this up she won't come to you and then you really will lose her.

Now, I ask you, have you PRAYED about what course of action to take? The Lord will instruct you on what to do. Read your scriptures so you foster divine inspiration. Love her, show her you love her. Feel compassion towards her. Support her in all her righteous doings. And know there is hope for her no matter what mistakes she may be making now. I am a Temple Worthy Woman now. At the time of my troubles with the law of chastity it didn't seem like to my family I would ever be, but I am now. If there's hope for me, there's hope for your daughter. Prayer, love and true doctrine are the ways to combat this.

Edited by ruthiechan

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I really do not understand this fixation that just because you're 18 or 19 years old that you should magically be able to support yourself AND go to school.

Amen Ruthie. It's tough in today's world. The deal I made with my own kids are..as long as they are full time in school they can live at home rent free.

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