Inter-Faith Marriages

[Misshalfway]

Hi Paulp. I just read thru this thread and tried to pay specific attention to your posts and core of your concerns. There is no doubt in my mind that you have a love for your wife and a love for your Catholic heritage and even for your exposure to LDS teachings.

I am hearing that your main concern is two fold: You aren't sure Joseph Smith is a prophet of God and that means that teachings like the WofW probably have no spiritual basis and that you need proof before you can believe. And then secondly, that you felt the support of your wife UNTIL she spoke to certain people who seemed to drive a painful wedge between the two of you. Am I reading you correctly? If so then, I have a few questions.

I suppose I am confused on a few points. First, you said that you, independent of your soon to be wife, that you had received a testimony of the truthfulness of the restoration before you married. In my mind, that means that you must have received some kind of confirmation or proof before your baptism. Now, it seems you are questioning this. God isn't a God of confusion. Truth is truth. There is much truth in this world and thru out the different sects. There is much good that comes from many of this groups, Christian and non. And God tolerates and even sometimes supports the efforts of truth and good in all of their forms. The problem is that there is much in the way of error mixed in with truth. Much was lost. Thus the case the for the restoration. That, my friend, is where it seems you need to do the most personal work. You aren't going to get "proof" from the Smithsonian. It seems you are satisfied with the comforts that have come to you concerning your prayers on some points, but not on others. That seems curious to me. It is also understandable because all of us in this LDS boat have to come to terms with the restoration and Joseph Smith. And really it is truly a black and white question. Either he did talk to God the Father and Jesus Christ in the grove or he didn't and this whole church is just another in a long line of man made churches. IF this church is true, be assured that Jesus is at the helm and that the Father of us all is directing the effort. It can't be both or some or part. Be assured that it isn't. If you don't get the WofW, study it. Study the words of the prophets. Live it. See what truth comes to your life. Be assured that it isn't about the tea. It is about the discipline in your life and the cleansing of your spirit so that you can receive more knowledge. The WofW is so linked to its promises..... hidden treasures of knowledge, etc. I think more than anything, the fact that you don't have a testimony either way is the most problematic thing. How can your wife be expected to orient herself to something in you that hasn't been decided yet?

With regards to your wife and the perhaps undo influences from family and leaders, I guess I would like to understand clearly what it is that they have said to your wife and how it has changed her perspectives. Could it be that she is realizing that living in a Non celestial marriage isn't what she really wants? Could your decisions be a crushing of her hopes and dreams? Are you in a position to perhaps empathize with her emotions even though you wish they were different?

We need our families and our spiritual leaders to help and support us. But they aren't perfect. They have fears and blind spots just like the rest of us. Expecting them not to be flawed is a waste of energy. The gospel of Jesus Christ, whether you are LDS or Catholic, is about forgiveness and long suffering as we learn to coexist with weakness of all kinds inside ourselves, our marriage partners, and our fellow man.

Dear, forgive those family members and the bishop. Just because someone disagrees with the doctrine of the Catholic church doesn't mean they are bad people and doesn't Catholic people are bad or that you are bad. Wouldn't it be great if we could disagree and still accept each other perfectly??? That I am afraid is a tall order and perhaps a lesson for this entire globe. We are all in process. Some of us more than others. Some of us get some parts of the gospel but have yet to master all of it. Let that be so. You aren't perfect either. So, give everyone including yourself a giant break here. And then refocus your efforts on your personal testimony. You have made covenants. Don't take that lightly. And if this church isn't true, God will tell you. But I must testify that I have faith that he will tell you IF your heart is in the right place to receive such answers. And I think you know that. And it is ok to for you to struggle with the question. We all do and have and such struggles are what make us strong!! So, apply yourself to understanding and appeal to God to open the eyes of your understanding and humble yourself to obedience. And allow your wife room to struggle to. Allow her time to process her feellings and even to change her position. Communicate with each other in patience. Listen and empathize. Deal with your difficult and sometimes opposing positions in love and open tolerance. Don't fear. Don't over react. Don't allow others and their opinions to offend you. Receive their weakness with love. And then get busy with fasting prayer study and pleading that the Lord will settle the questions of the deepest parts of your heart. I absolutely know he will. He has answered my prayers. ANd I after many months of struggle have my answers.

Best wishes. Much love and patience and forgiveness and peace as you find gratitude for your struggles and the compassion for all who are in the struggle with you.

[rameumptom]

I am also confused. You received a testimony of these things and was baptized independent of your wife, but now you seek proof of Joseph Smith?

What is your definition of "proof"? Do you have "proof" that Jesus is the Savior of mankind? Do you have "proof" that the Bible is true? Do you have "proof" that the Pope and the Catholic Church are the correct Church to follow?

I would like to believe your sincerity, but I see many holes in your story. And I am always aware that there are always at least two sides to any story. Given we are only hearing your side of it, and you are asking us to take the story at your word, shouldn't I at least see a consistent story?

I'm not trying to be insulting or harsh, but I am being real. I work as a counselor and disciplinary hearing officer in a prison. I don't have time to discuss fair/unfair with the prisoners, as life is neither fair nor unfair. Life is real. In judging them, many will try finding loopholes, seek pity, or even lie, in order to avoid the responsibility they have. Too many of us have issues that we refuse to look at seriously. It is easier and safer to lie to ourselves, and rationalize things, rather than really looking at them. It is very refreshing to have an offender admit his fault and accept the full responsibility when guilty.

Why anyone would want to join the Mormon Church, promising in their baptismal interview and at baptism to live the entire Word of Wisdom, stating they have a testimony of and will follow the living prophets, etc., and then just a few months later be questioning all of this - shows me that either there was no real testimony in the beginning (suggesting there was some other hidden agenda for joining), or you are rationalizing away the testimony you DID receive. Else, Can you think of any other reasons why suddenly you don't have a testimony of these things, when you confessed to believing them in January?

Whether you stay or not in the LDS Church is for you to decide. I just want to ensure that you are not blaming others for issues you may have. Once again, I haven't heard from your wife or her bishop, or your priesthood lesson teacher; only from you. And your story is not consistent. There are big holes in it that years of working in this field has helped me to note and notice in people's statements.

Why did your wife leave you? She married a LDS member, thinking that she would one day be sealed in the temple. Suddenly, you become Catholic again, deny your testimony of Joseph Smith, etc. You are placing your faith in Catholicism as a major thing for you, which is fine. However, When she is considering her eternal happiness and her faith, you seem to place it as a lower priority - almost as something that doesn't seem to matter much. I can't be sure, since I haven't asked her, but can only glean it from your statements and from the importance I know LDS place on temple sealings.

Next, I would have to know if there are other reasons she left, which you may not have discussed. Did she just suddenly walk out and go to her parents, or had the two of you been heatedly arguing for a while? Such an atmosphere can definitely cool a relationship, as well.

Personally, I hope you well and much happiness. But you may have to choose here. There's nothing wrong with being Catholic. It is a good religion, and those who closely follow the Catholic faith will receive blessings in heaven for it. However, I still feel from your writings that you gave your wife a bait and switch (even if it was unintentional), and I honestly don't blame her for questioning just how trustworthy the relationship can be in the future, if it is so radically changing after just a couple months.

Edited December 3, 2008 by rameumptom

[DigitalShadow]

It is very interesting to me how most of the Mormons who responded seem to have interpreted the original post completely differently than most of the Catholics who responded.

I am agnostic, my wife is LDS and we've been happily married for 2 years now. So you could say that I have some experience with inter-faith marriages and I think that I bring yet another perspective to this discussion. Yes inter-faith marriages can work, no they are not easy, but you can't always choose who you fall madly in love with. It would probably be more convenient if my wife and I were the same faith, but I can't imagine myself being with anyone else and I am pretty sure she feels the same way.

On one hand, I understand that your wife probably married you with an expectation that you would be sealed in the temple whether she explicitly told you or not. On the other hand, I can relate to your situation of sincerely wanting the church to be true, but not being able to fully convince yourself of it. Religion is a deeply personal choice and it is not always clear what the right decision is. I don't know your bishop, but from what it sounds like he is not acting appropriately or acting in either of your best interestes. I have had talks with our ward's bishop and while he urges me to join the church, he still respects that a testimony can't simply be forced on another person and that I can still be a loving husband and would never even hint that we should be separated.

So what is my advice? I think you should try to be honest, but not argumentative with your wife about your beliefs. She needs to understand that you are honestly seeking the truth and threats are no way for a person to gain a testimony, and you need to understand that she feels you may be depriving her of eternal happiness. It is certainly not an easy situation, and probably not what either of you thought you were getting in to at the start, but it can work.

I wish you both the best of luck.

[prisonchaplain]

Chaplain, your reading of this differs from mine. It would be one thing if after being married, she converted and they were unequally yoked. It is another thing after just a few months of marriage, when they are of the same religion, that he chooses to leave it.

The situation is different, but not the counsel. In both cases, the couple becomes unequally yoked after marriage. Paul says that if your spouse is an unbeliever, but willing to stay with you, then do your best to let your light shine. Further, although the OP may join a different church, are they not both still Christians? I'm extremely doubtful that Paul would have left room for divorce because on Christian switches churches.

He is blaming the Church leaders for his problem. It isn't though. He made marriage promises and baptismal covenants, and is breaking them. She had the hope of an eternal marriage, and still does. He is attempting to force her to stay in a relationship that is different than what she signed onto.

But they are both still Christians. He hasn't left God. And, it's not as if he deceived her. He struggled, and seems to indicate that she was at least aware that he had issues and concerns. Paul doesn't leave room for divorce because a spouse breaks promises--especially when such happens without intentional deception.

While I don't condone divorce, but for few reasons, I think this short into marriage to have such major changes occur, is a form of deception on his part. It would have been one thing for him to be Catholic and she marry him. It is another thing for him to have joined the Church, given her the hope of a temple marriage, and then marry her, only to quickly switch back.

If he joined the church just to get her hand in marriage, and then made the switch back, I could possibly see your point. Perhaps an annulment would be in order. However, this case is different. The OP is a recent convert with on-going concerns that the fiance is aware of. He ultimately cannot overcome them, and she withdraws her love?

Would she have married him had he not joined the Church? I suspect she would not have married him. His deception so as to marry her is potentially the first in many deceptions. Why should she stay in a relationship that is no longer built on trust, but on a major lie?

"Lie" would indicate intentional deceipt. I don't see that here. Otherwise, there might be an argument for annulment.

[BenRaines]

As stated earlier I do not support divorce except in the case of abuse or infidelity. That said I believe that there will be a constant struggle when a wife enters in to marriage with one commitment by spouse, said he joined LDS church before marriage and before falling in love with his wife, and then finds that what he represented wasn't so.

What if before you married she said to you "I want to live the rest of my life in Bakersfield, California". You said "Oh I have been there, I like the idea of living the rest of my life in Bakersfield". In your mind you are saying " I have been through Bakersfield and didn't see anything I didn't like so sure I will live in Bakersfield if I can be with her the rest of my life". After a couple of years of marriage you go to her and say "You know I never really was sure about Bakersfield, I think I would rather live in Santa Barbara" She says "But all my family lives in Bakersfield, we were going to be in Bakersfield forever and happy together forever" Your response "Yeah well I have decided that I want to return to Santa Barbara where I have visited a few times."

That said I can see why she would be hurt, disappointed, feel betrayed of common goals, etc.

Don't make it about religion, make it about something else and I would hope you could still see how she might feel betrayed from what she first committed to. She committed to a man who said he believed as she did, now he doesn't.

Ben Raines

[prisonchaplain]

I've stated my case against divorce strongly, because God hates divorce. However, I suspect the OP realizes how devestated his wife is, and while her implied threat may be wrong, imho, her anguish cannot be overstated. The LDS distinctive of eternal marriage does indeed make this a heart-wrenching situation for everyone involved.

PRAYER: Father God, give Paul incredible wisdom and patience with his wife, continued revelation and direction concerning his spiritual walk with you, and grant this spouse a double-portion of your anointing, peace, hope, patience and a clear sense of what you want her to do. In Jesus' name, amen.

[Guest ceeboo]

Hello again Paulp,

I have now read the entire thread

A few more words for you ( if I may )

First, I will repeat what I said to you before. IT CAN, HAS, AND DOES WORK!!!!

Please do not get caught up in this " labels " thing of this broken world. ( LDS, Catholic, Lutheran, etc, etc) Those are very distant seconds to " FOLLOWERS OF CHRIST" and ones who do the best they can in a very broken world, to live by his example.

Know that you are very fortunate to have found someone to love and who loves you back.

NEVER take that for granted and realize who was in charge of that blessing in the first place.:)

I do not have all the answers but rest assure that if you take care of, nurture, protect, respect and cherish your wife ( another one of Gods children ) Then the Lord will indeed support you BOTH on your journey together.:)

Be still and know who is in charge.:)

Peace,

Carl

[rameumptom]

I agree with Prison Chaplain that God hates divorce. This is why our bishops are explicitly counseled to never give such advice to anyone to seek a divorce.

That being said, the reality of being human means there will be divorces. I have not, nor have I suggested, that Paul's wife divorce him. Personally, I think she should look at working it out. However, having said that, I was pointing out the reasons she may feel betrayed. This is important for Paul to understand, so that he can try and see things from her shoes. Marriage requires two people in order to succeed. For Paul to suddenly have changed the rules after just a few months of marriage, means she suddenly doesn't know what to expect anymore. What if Paul suddenly decides marriage covenants and being faithful in marriage are not that important? He has, after all, suddenly changed in some very important beliefs (at least to her thinking).

Trust must be in a marriage. This one has suffered from some intense trust issues. Paul must be willing to deal with those in a sensitive way in discussing them with his wife. It is his marriage to save, if he is willing to find ways to restore her trust and faith.

[paulp1002]

Thank you all!! I want nothing more to make this marriage work. I hope and pray that my wife, can see that this marriage could work, even if we have different religious beliefs. This problem is the root to all our problems. She told me that she can not be committed to me 100% unless I am committed to her faith. That doesn't seem right to me, how can anyone have a successfull marriage without commitment? Like I mentioned in one of my original post, as long as we both have God in our lives we will be closer to him as a couple, that should be the only thing that matters. I have never put down her faith at ALL, she knows where I stand and I still go with her to Church and I accept the home teachers and missonaries in my house with an open heart. That won't change. She is hoping that one day I would be a faithful Mormon, and if not she would leave. I just don't think it is fair to have an ultimatum in marriage. I strongly believe that the reason for this ultimatum was because of the advice her Bishop gave her and the negative comments from her family. She was told that she should talk to the Bishop for guidance with inter-faith marriages, because he has the priesthood keys he should be able to give the correct advice. From what I have read in several posts, that was not the case. His advice was negative and it gave her a negative perspective on our marriage.

[Guest ceeboo]

Trust must be in a marriage. This one has suffered from some intense trust issues. Paul must be willing to deal with those in a sensitive way in discussing them with his wife. It is his marriage to save, if he is willing to find ways to restore her trust and faith.

Did I miss the post about him having several affairs or something:eek:

Intense trust issues ???? ( That's slightly overstating it ) Rather I think there may be some faith issues ( LIKE MANY OF US ENCOUNTER ON OUR JOURNEYS ) that have caused some confusion.

NO, It is not HIS marriage to save. It IS BOTH OF THEIR MARRIAGE to work on, treasure, strengthen, and grow in a loving fashion with God as their cement.

Hang in there my friend Paul, YOU AND YOUR WIFE, with the loving support and guidance of our Lord, Can and will prevail.:):)

Peace,

Carl

[Misshalfway]

Thank you all!! I want nothing more to make this marriage work. I hope and pray that my wife, can see that this marriage could work, even if we have different religious beliefs. This problem is the root to all our problems. She told me that she can not be committed to me 100% unless I am committed to her faith. That doesn't seem right to me, how can anyone have a successfull marriage without commitment? Like I mentioned in one of my original post, as long as we both have God in our lives we will be closer to him as a couple, that should be the only thing that matters. I have never put down her faith at ALL, she knows where I stand and I still go with her to Church and I accept the home teachers and missonaries in my house with an open heart. That won't change. She is hoping that one day I would be a faithful Mormon, and if not she would leave. I just don't think it is fair to have an ultimatum in marriage. I strongly believe that the reason for this ultimatum was because of the advice her Bishop gave her and the negative comments from her family. She was told that she should talk to the Bishop for guidance with inter-faith marriages, because he has the priesthood keys he should be able to give the correct advice. From what I have read in several posts, that was not the case. His advice was negative and it gave her a negative perspective on our marriage.

This past two years has been a struggle for me on a lot of fronts. The things that happened to me really shook my testimony. I started to question everything and argue with it. My husband was supportive every step of the way. There were times when I apologized to him for needing to find answers to my questions and for needing for a time not to believe in God at all. He said that he understood and he let me struggle and he wasn't disturbed as much as I had expected by my strugglings. I have since chosen to believe in the LDS faith and to firmly plant my feet in this gospel. But I do understand at least a little of what it feels like to question what you once thought was true. And I suppose I am grateful that my husband had the fortitude to trust me inside that struggle and to be patient as I needed the time. He said he always felt a peaceful assurance that it would all be ok. Maybe both you and your wife need such spiritual fortifications.

When I hear about struggles like this one, I wonder if communication could help to bridge some of the rifts. It seems to me that maybe your wife is feeling a great deal of fear. Perhaps she is over reacting. Perhaps she just needs to hear, maybe repeatedly, from you that you need some time to search but that you love her and want her happiness too and are willing to listen. Maybe it will take lots of conversations before you start to see the fruit of the communications. I think it is important to make sure that you know what her feelings are and that you are not guessing or mind reading her at all. Are you communicating? Are you negotiating? Or are you both reacting because what you think you see and hear is painful? I often find that it is common in conflicts that we really don't stop to hear the truth properly all the time.

I hope that you too can keep "the neighbors" out of your marriage and work to negotiate solutions that work for both of you. There is no doubt that this situation is a hard one. It sounds like two really good people who are trying to decide the best course. I hope you two can come together. Maybe you both just need a little time to let the situation settle and to process things and maybe Heavenly Father needs some time to work inside of both of you to bring you to reconciliation and new understandings.

I loved what Ceeboo said about being still and knowing who God is. Maybe you remember a similar verse in the D&C "Be still, and know that I am God." I wonder sometimes if God works these things out better than we sometimes do. He, more than anyone, understands your heart and that of your sweetheart. I have just had a similar experience with some painful interactions with family. Heavenly Father told me he would work it out. And two years later (painful years), it seems to be finally coming to a healing and positive outcome.

Keep praying for your wife and yourself. Pray that your hearts will be softened towards one another. Pray that you will see the truth you both need to see and that you can find ways of staying together and ways to accomidate both of your needs.

Best wishes.

[paulp1002]

Thank you Misshalfway. We have communicated. She knows what my struggles are and I'm afraid of telling her that if I know longer believe, because of the fear that she will just leave, without trying to work it out. With all the support that I have rec'd in this thread, I know it can work out, it has worked. I just don't know, if she is willing to work it out with an open heart.

[georgia2]

Thanks for your reply. But I didn't do the LDS thing because I wanted to marry her. I converted several months before I knew I wanted to marry her. I had a testimony, but I now believe that it was a way for me to get closer to God. My parents never forced my brother or me to attend church, I know they wish they did, but they didn't. We grew up with God in our lives, and taught us to live a life worthy of God, being the best person we could be and doing what is right. I understand that is how LDS members are raised with the hopes of eternal marriage, but our understanding was that we can still be sealed even if we were not sealed in the temple. She was okay with that, until she spoke with the Bishop and her sister and mother.

You say you had a testimony , and now you believe that it was a way to get closer to GOd.

That IS a testimony! I guess it just wasn't strong enough before you began to question what you had already received from God as answers to your prayer.

You did convert, then you got married. You owe it to yourself AND your wife to take the discussions again and truly pray about it. THen you can ask any questions that now have cropped up that you didn't think of before. TO ease tension in your home and with your wife, you need to talk to her in an open way and ask her to support you in your spiritual quest to truly understand the Church of Jesus Christ. Then truly do it! Take the discussions again, honestly pray and ask what Gods will is. Ask him if indeed it is true!

I posted a while back and still believe you need to learn about the history of the Catholic church, what happened to the scriptures they had before printing press and people began learning to read. Then you will understand and learn why all of the the churches broke off.

I think this is critical for you to fully grasp why and what the church is all about. The need for a restitution.

You owe this to your wife whom you say you love so much. She isn't the one that changed, you are. BUt I bet she will be totally supportive of you taking the discussions again so you have a better understanding of what you made your commitment to.

Good luck

[Guest ceeboo]

I posted a while back and still believe you need to learn about the history of the Catholic church, what happened to the scriptures they had before printing press and people began learning to read. Then you will understand and learn why all of the the churches broke off.

:eek: Thanks for that great LDS advice concerning a Man and Wife in their marriage :eek:

I know I ( A Catholic ) was not only uplifted but I was very encouraged by your fruit:eek:

BTW geogia, if you would like to start a thread about the history of the Catholic Church and how you can explain why all of the Churches broke off, I promise I will participate. But I do not think this is the place for it nor do I think your contribution will help ( IN ANY WAY ) one of your brothers in Christ that needs his Christian body of brethren at this time.

Peace,

Carl

Edited December 3, 2008 by ceeboo

[RainofGold]

Paul,

When I read your post I thought of me 18 years ago when I got married.

Your situation sounds so much like mine.

I met my husband 19 years ago, I was LDS he was Catholic. We dated for a few months, when I realized that I was falling for him I told him that the only place I would marry was in the temple. He broke up with me, saying that there was no future for us. A couple of days later he told me that he wanted to investigate the church, he took the missionaries lessons and was baptized soon after.

Our relationship became more serious and he later proposed. Since we had to wait a year before he could enter the temple we set the date for a year from when he was baptized.

We had a lot of problems with my family. My mom did not approve of him and became angry when she knew that we were engaged. And even though I was 22 years old she wouldn't let me date him.

I married him outside the church, with the hope that we would get sealed in the temple the following year.

Big mistake, within 6 months my husband came to me and told me that he no longer wanted to go to church. I was heartbroken and regretted not waiting the whole year to be sealed in the temple. I thought that if we waited he would've have more time to developed a stronger testimony. I know that his heart was in the right place and that he wanted to believe because he liked the church, and also because I told him that I would only marry someone of my faith.

I felt that he betrayed me and I wanted to leave him but I was already pregnant so I stayed. He never went to his church but came with me on special occasions. We agreed that we would raise our children lds, since he wasn't active in his faith.

Well it has being 18 years, my children are both teenagers and I can say that we are a happy family.

It has being a lot of work and sacrifice from the both of us. I love my husband with all my heart and my children are my everything.

But if I had to do it all over I don't know if I would've made the same choice.

I can understand how your wife feels and I don't think you can blame her. She wasn't counting on you changing your mind about the church and compromising how she is going to raise her children in the church.

Knowing that she might never be able to be sealed as a family for all eternity must be the hardest part.

Be honest with your wife , let her know how you feel about the church. Also pray about your testimony, I'm also a convert to the church and it took me several years to have a strong testimony about the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith.

I pray that you and your wife can make the right decision for the both of you. I hope that your love is strong enough to make it work.

Best wishes,

'

Rain

[paulp1002]

Thank you Rain. It's good for me to hear that my situation is not the only one. I understand completely that we both have to "want it" to work and that it will not be easy. But with the love of each other and the love and support of God we can do it. I love and cherish my wife so much and want nothing but for it to work out. Which is why I am here. Thank you all.

[FunkyTown]

Thank you Rain. It's good for me to hear that my situation is not the only one. I understand completely that we both have to "want it" to work and that it will not be easy. But with the love of each other and the love and support of God we can do it. I love and cherish my wife so much and want nothing but for it to work out. Which is why I am here. Thank you all.

Paul? I'm a little concerned here. The people who are part of other Christian traditions agree that it's difficult, but there's a confusion with regards to just how difficult.

Here is what's going through your wife's mind: "We'll be together a few short years, til Death do us part. Then, I have an eternity without the one I've grown to love. Our kids will be without him, if they stay LDS at all."

To many LDS, it's "Temple marriage or nothing." I am one of those people. I'm sorry you're struggling and you're right in that everyone does struggle. But recognize that, to your wife, what you're basically saying is that you -won't- be together forever. I couldn't have a relationship like that.

[georgia2]

:eek: Thanks for that great LDS advice concerning a Man and Wife in their marriage :eek:

I know I ( A Catholic ) was not only uplifted but I was very encouraged by your fruit:eek:

BTW geogia, if you would like to start a thread about the history of the Catholic Church and how you can explain why all of the Churches broke off, I promise I will participate. But I do not think this is the place for it nor do I think your contribution will help ( IN ANY WAY ) one of your brothers in Christ that needs his Christian body of brethren at this time.

Peace,

Carl

hi Ceeboo,

I don't know if you are being sarcastic or mean what you are saying. I guess from your smilies you aren't. I truly don't mean any ill intent or malice regarding my statements. I think any family who has an in-law with issues about the church should be loving, supportive, and understanding. WHo would want to be around people who are ugly and judgmental? not me!

The reason I suggest he learn about the history of the Catholic church is because in my quest to learn about the earths religion I was blest to have a best friend who had been raised Catholic, gone to Catholic schools, so forth. He educated me it's history and fully explained how the church today is how and why it is this way. It is truly fascinating and I believe that most people, including Catholics don't know about the decisions and actions that were taken during the dark ages. And I believe that a knowledge and understanding of the time in history that people broke off from the church and started their own is key to understanding the plight of Joseph SMith at that time. Most people don't know how the Nicene creed came to be and why people recite it today in their religions services. Once this type of thing is understood then a person can approach God and ask him to lead them in the way they should go. I'm not saying only some Catholics don't now the history, but most LDS members don't either. (or other religions for that matter).

I truly was not trying to be disrespectful or arrogant in my advice. If you were thinking I was being nasty, please forgive me! I was truly trying to give good advice to a man who is seeking to keep his wife and have a loving relationship with her whole family.

[Guest ceeboo]

I truly was not trying to be disrespectful or arrogant in my advice. If you were thinking I was being nasty, please forgive me! I was truly trying to give good advice to a man who is seeking to keep his wife and have a loving relationship with her whole family.

Hi georgia,

Fair enough !!!:):)

Please forgive me for suggesting that a history lesson of the Catholic Church ( although very interesting and probably a very different lesson depending on if you or I were giving it:)) is the last thing the OP needs during his current struggles.

I would also point out that it is interesting to me that you are concerned with " a loving relationship with HER WHOLE FAMILY") I would suggest to the OP that his complete focus and efforts should be with him, his wife and the Lord and any other bias or opinion ( that includes LDS, Catholic, neighbors, 7-Eleven cashiers, and the rest ) that would interfere,take sides, or in any way weaken the UNION they have as one, would be STRONGLY discouraged by me.

This is a time where they need to come together ( AS ONE IN CHRIST ) like never before!!!

Peace,

Carl

Edited December 4, 2008 by ceeboo

[georgia2]

Yeah, I agree.

BUt whether we like it or not, the extended family, in-laws, do play a major part in the total happiness or harmony of the marriage. When the in-laws are constantly tearing down one person in the marriage, there can't be harmony. Which in turn causes sadness in times such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, ect. It just creates tension that is better not being there.

I know a young wonderful couple who had problems from HIS parents. Both families are LDS but his family had some type of weird issue, and so the couple MOVED ACROSS the country! And they are doing great! THe old saying of when you get married, in truth you marry the whole family is still true today. This aspect is just one to think about.

ANd I totally agree that the wife needs to stand by her man! needs to be loving, understanding, patient, and supportive in his struggle to figure out what is right for him. He still needs to take the missionary discussions again to come to a better understanding of the covenants he already took on at baptism and which his wife believed he was committed to. BUT she also needs to take the pressure off that her family is putting on so that he feels no pressure, just love, understanding, patience. JUst as Christ would be in this situation. Would he be throwing rocks at this guy? No Way! Would he be kind, understanding and patient, I think so! SO, in my humble opinion, that is the way HER WHOLE FAMILY should be treating him!

Edited December 4, 2008 by georgia2

[interalia]

Inter-faith marriages can work; I'm agnostic and my husband is LDS. He's pretty devoted as far as I can tell. He goes to church and teaches and seems to believe about as solidly as one can believe in a faith without going off the deep end. He comes home with a constant stream of compliments he gets from other church members about his insights and the quality of his lessons. I'm about as lacking in faith as one can get (without being an atheist). I have seen zero solid evidence for deities, and though I can't possibly discount omnipotent beings (on the basis that omnipotent beings can exist very happily without giving any solid evidence of their existence), I don't see enough use for them in my life to make them worth putting time and effort into discovering. And yet, we've been married for several years, and haven't had more than the rare fight as an issue.

Many people (if not all) have deal-breakers in relationships. I'm guessing here that the problem is less generic inter-faith marriages, and more that her specific interpretation (or, as it sounds, the interpretation she chooses to take from others, perhaps because of social pressure) make an inter-faith marriage a deal-breaker for her.

I don't really have a lot of happy sunshine advice, (and I have no authority to say anything about mentioned deity's degree of fairness,) but I would imagine that since faith is so highly emotional and highly subjective, neither of you should lie to the other about it. You wouldn't be happy. If you can't believe Mormon doctrine, you can't. You need to be honest and up front with her. Even if she does leave you, I think it would be better than prolonging a failing relationship by trying to prop it up with lies. That just builds up resentment and makes the deterioration slower and more painful. If she can't be married to someone that can't believe Mormon doctrine, she should divorce you for the same reasons. It sucks, but getting it over quickly and moving on is likely the best answer if it can't work out.

Of course, if your faith in Mormonism does revive, or if she finds she can be married to someone who is not of her faith, then that's great! Hopefully it will either work out, or your troubles will be brief and amount to useful experience.

That's my experience and two cents. Take it or leave it as you find useful.

[Crow]

Inter-faith marriages can work; I'm agnostic and my husband is LDS. He's pretty devoted as far as I can tell. He goes to church and teaches and seems to believe about as solidly as one can believe in a faith without going off the deep end. He comes home with a constant stream of compliments he gets from other church members about his insights and the quality of his lessons. I'm about as lacking in faith as one can get (without being an atheist). I have seen zero solid evidence for deities, and though I can't possibly discount omnipotent beings (on the basis that omnipotent beings can exist very happily without giving any solid evidence of their existence), I don't see enough use for them in my life to make them worth putting time and effort into discovering. And yet, we've been married for several years, and haven't had more than the rare fight as an issue.

Many people (if not all) have deal-breakers in relationships. I'm guessing here that the problem is less generic inter-faith marriages, and more that her specific interpretation (or, as it sounds, the interpretation she chooses to take from others, perhaps because of social pressure) make an inter-faith marriage a deal-breaker for her.

I don't really have a lot of happy sunshine advice, (and I have no authority to say anything about mentioned deity's degree of fairness,) but I would imagine that since faith is so highly emotional and highly subjective, neither of you should lie to the other about it. You wouldn't be happy. If you can't believe Mormon doctrine, you can't. You need to be honest and up front with her. Even if she does leave you, I think it would be better than prolonging a failing relationship by trying to prop it up with lies. That just builds up resentment and makes the deterioration slower and more painful. If she can't be married to someone that can't believe Mormon doctrine, she should divorce you for the same reasons. It sucks, but getting it over quickly and moving on is likely the best answer if it can't work out.

Of course, if your faith in Mormonism does revive, or if she finds she can be married to someone who is not of her faith, then that's great! Hopefully it will either work out, or your troubles will be brief and amount to useful experience.

That's my experience and two cents. Take it or leave it as you find useful.

[DigitalShadow]

Inter-faith marriages can work; I'm agnostic and my husband is LDS. He's pretty devoted as far as I can tell. He goes to church and teaches and seems to believe about as solidly as one can believe in a faith without going off the deep end. He comes home with a constant stream of compliments he gets from other church members about his insights and the quality of his lessons. I'm about as lacking in faith as one can get (without being an atheist). I have seen zero solid evidence for deities, and though I can't possibly discount omnipotent beings (on the basis that omnipotent beings can exist very happily without giving any solid evidence of their existence), I don't see enough use for them in my life to make them worth putting time and effort into discovering. And yet, we've been married for several years, and haven't had more than the rare fight as an issue.

Many people (if not all) have deal-breakers in relationships. I'm guessing here that the problem is less generic inter-faith marriages, and more that her specific interpretation (or, as it sounds, the interpretation she chooses to take from others, perhaps because of social pressure) make an inter-faith marriage a deal-breaker for her.

I don't really have a lot of happy sunshine advice, (and I have no authority to say anything about mentioned deity's degree of fairness,) but I would imagine that since faith is so highly emotional and highly subjective, neither of you should lie to the other about it. You wouldn't be happy. If you can't believe Mormon doctrine, you can't. You need to be honest and up front with her. Even if she does leave you, I think it would be better than prolonging a failing relationship by trying to prop it up with lies. That just builds up resentment and makes the deterioration slower and more painful. If she can't be married to someone that can't believe Mormon doctrine, she should divorce you for the same reasons. It sucks, but getting it over quickly and moving on is likely the best answer if it can't work out.

Of course, if your faith in Mormonism does revive, or if she finds she can be married to someone who is not of her faith, then that's great! Hopefully it will either work out, or your troubles will be brief and amount to useful experience.

That's my experience and two cents. Take it or leave it as you find useful.

Your situation sounds strangely similar to mine. It's nice to know I'm not the only one :)

[georgia2]

The issue that makes this one a little different and more difficult, is that is WASN'T an inter-faith marriage! Both were members of the same belief. It wasn't until AFTER the marriage that doubts came in and questions about the soundness of certain doctrine.

I was sort of on this same situation when I got married. My husband had been a member for about 6 months, after reconnecting with me from 20 years previous. If after we were married he began to question the beliefs and wanting to live contrary to the standards to be able to go to the temple, I don't know what I would have done!

Marriage in itself is a very tough relationship. If we had the same difficulties and trials that we have had and he wasn't a member, I would have definitely left him. But this would have been because we had different goals. I would be living toward the goal of going to the temple regularly, being sealed, and doing those things that will invite the Spirit in my home. If he was drinking and smoking and watching sexual and violent movies in my home, it couldn't be my home and I would leave.

[Maureen]

paulp1002, from what you've said this is what I've noticed.

At first your wife seemed open to letting you explore your Catholic roots, then she seemed to change her mind after talking with others. She's seems easily swayed. She doesn't seem to be disciplined enough to be committed to her own LDS faith without your support. She may have, without realizing it, expected that you would be her support in keeping herself involved in her family faith. She's been inactive before and doesn't seem to have a firm desire to be involved in the LDS church on her own. You came along and she saw you as someone who could help her be more disciplined and committed. Now if you decide to follow your Catholic roots, where does that leave her? She's lost without your support. You have told her that you do support her, but it's not the same to her since she needs you in a more forceful way.

If an interfaith marriage is going to work, each marriage partner has to be independently committed to their own faith. If your wife really wanted to be active in her LDS faith, she must be disciplined on her own. She must want to be an active LDS because that's her desire. You shouldn't be the one to give her that push, she must push herself. Once she's more confident in her ability to be active than she might be more open to understanding why you need to be committed to your Catholic faith.

You need to ask her what she really wants with her religion and marriage. She's got to understand that you can't make her be an active saint, she has to want that and make it happen. Start with that and see what she tells you. Good luck Paul.

M.