You're single because....


beefche
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When I was growing up in the LDS Church, I constantly heard that women are more spiritual than men.

From whom? The membership of the Church, or the GA's of the Church?

My opinion is that women aren't more spiritual, but they are more driven to settle down and procreate. Maybe the reason men hear it more often is because they need to. Women already feel the strong drive internally. That, and our culture is still pretty conservative in that men are expected somewhat to do the asking, whether it comes to dating or marriage proposals.

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I don't know if I agree that women are more spiritual. It's just that women show their emotions more than men do. So perhaps there is a perception that they are.

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im glad im not the only one that has noticed that women are holier nonsense that seems common.

Oh and my wife has heard the woman spoken to about having unrealistic expectations or misplaced priorities as it concerns marriage. Men aren't the only ones getting a lesson in the importance of marriage and how they need to pursue it.

that does i admit make me feel better

I just linked to a talk that discussed dating and what it is. This rather cuts the legs out of any complaint founded in never. If you want a crash course on the local culture then it needs to happen at the local level. A lesson on 'proper' social interaction is going to vary if it is directed at Kenyans or Americans.

utah is still socially odd in many respects. dating is perhaps the highlight of it as no other place in america besides possibly idaho to my knowledge can people date and be married in a month. this puts utah in a unique spot there is truely no argueing this point.

Rightly or wrongly in many cultures people talk to, and teach, women different than men. The idea that men can handle a straight talking to while women are more sensitive to harsh language is out there. This is more of that context I was talking about. You're basically insisting that different situations and the different sexes be treated identically in how they are addressed, and while I can see the case for the latter I don't see it for the former.

oh i know cultures as a whole treat both sexes differently and there is a place for that. but my point here being the women getting stuck on a pedastal mentality while guys are not and thus treated as lower or worse and far too often the end result of STOP SINNING YOU LOUSY MEN because ya know that is the only possible reason a girl could remain single is because of guys the girl couldnt have any fault at all in this anywhere at anytime which is a popular assumption from church leaders.

Anyone who puts off or otherwise undervalues the importance of marriage is going to be brought up short in the next life. Once again context is being ignored. Show me where the women are told in the context of putting education ahead of marriage, or that having unrealistic expectations, that it's all honky dory for them.

marriage is important. but simply saying go get married why are you are still single fails to address 99% of the other reasons a person is still single. and again women are usually given the pass.

Attendance at a single's ward is not mandatory, if you dislike the direction and focus of single's wards than don't go to them.

one then faces immediate and instant backlash from people in my own age group....so your solution here is???? i also expect one might face similar reactions as those that are 30 and unmarried and change to a family ward which is another problem.

Singles wards are peculiar units but they are also minority units. Going to a single ward and then talking about 'the Church' as a whole is flawed. And yes they do stress marriage, but what do you expect? Of course they stress marriage more highly than a ward where the vast majority of (eligible) people are already married, Elder's Quorums don't stress the duties of Priests either, they stress the duties and responsibilities of Elders.

how is the age bracket of 18-30 a minority group? singles wards exist outside of utah. furthermore mormons being dominant in utah and utah has an endless amount of singles wards...im not really sure how singles wards fall into a minority group.

also ironically here is the duties of an elder include and possibly in no other place is it more apparent but those duties include the aaronic priesthood duties. and due to a lack of 12-18 year olds its normally elders that fulfill these roles so i do think aaronic priesthood duties should maintain some prevelance.

yes singles wards is ultimately go get married....but all lessons shouldnt default to it. we arent dogs. the time of month doesnt role around and we sniff buts and go at it its far more complicated than that.

And because I know that you are seeking feedback on social interaction in another thread I'm gonna make this comment: You are bitter and it shows (if in fact you aren't bitter you come across as being such and the following still applies). Bitter people get avoided as they suck all the positive energy out of a room and flood it with negative energy. If the slightest trace of what comes through in your posts above comes through in your face to face interactions with people it is going to be sabotaging your development of relationships with those who don't share your particular bitterness.

i appreciate the advice. i dont always intend to come off as bitter. i try to mask some of cynical sarcasm. but i do admit i cant always help it. here on a forum i can come off however i want with little affect on me. but in person i do attempt to mask some of that cynical sarcasm that can sound bitter. not that i am depressed or sad or unhappy. then of course i run into the problem i am not myself and too much of myself gets hidden and i dont always find that a good alternative either. in fact thinking on i suspect that is why those dates in that other thread went wrong. i concealed this part of me entirely too much so i ended up being entirely too shy and quite. since i havent found people out here in utah always the most receptive to one with such a rather dark past once those layers decide to reveal themselves. and i assure it is a rather dark and twisted past which does in affect contribute to what you just mentioned. my ability to bond with new people got killed and i am trying to refind it.

I think that an extra emphasis on marriage with those who are single and of marriageable age is a good and natural thing- It's a focus on where we are at in life right now and a good chance to get advice, feedback, and ideas. But when it is overemphasized and taken to an extreme it becomes problematic. Some members do this, others don't. I just avoid those who are pushy about it and focus on moving at my own pace.

i agree it doesnt need to as pushy as it is. i do agree it can depend on the person but so far ive had more push than in between

I've moved around my whole life. I've been to many different wards, and for me to have only had one bishop who did this... means the problem isn't as prevalent as you think. For the most part, I -as a woman- have received the same pressures as you. There may be a bit of a separation in that men are the Priesthood holders and considered to be the "family head", so there is a bit more responsibility on your shoulders, but I have many many times been in church meetings where I have been pressured about getting married and/or being prepared for motherhood and being a good wife, etc.

my point wasnt so much bishops though ive seen it and heard alot of bishops like this. listen to some GA talks over the past two or three years....women pedastals. guys lucky to get girl.

Now to get to the heart of the matter:

There is a clear and obvious trend throughout the world that the average age people get married is going up. In 1981, the average age a woman would marry was 23, for men 25. That age has climbed and in 2009 it was 30 for women and 32 for men. You can read about it here.

Marriage and raising a family is a very important part of our lives, and we need to prioritize properly. There are many many reasons why people remain single, some of them valid and some of them not so much, but the fact of the matter is that people around the world are getting married at a later and later date. Of course our church leaders are concerned about this! Of course they want to address it! And of course they want to remind us of the importance of getting married, want to encourage us to make sure our priorities are straight and that we aren't missing out on the opportunity to marry for the wrong reasons.

i do agree address and yea i am aware of that trend i did ironically just take a sociology marriage class where this was discussed. i also took a dating institute class. and somehow i still feel like i only learned how to keep a relationship not actually start one. i just dont always think it seems like it is addressed correctly. a common theme they use is guys and there toys. or too busy having fun being single. you know a lot of guys and our toys play with them because we have tried to form connections but here it is friday at 9 pm and having failed to create a connection its games or porn. quite frankly games is the healthies choice. these talks tend to ignore the person that tries or doesnt know how this dating thing works given we all have this over romatic idea in our heads of dating....its really a lot more complicated than just focus on dating men youll get it right.

It is up to you though to "own" your current status in life. You need to examine your priorities in life and determine whether or not your reasons for being unmarried are good ones, and be sure that you are doing everything you can on your end to be ready for and pursue a marriage. The pressure would not bother you so much if you were comfortable with yourself and gained a sense of ownership for your situation and your responsibilities.

The same goes for peer-pressure in any other situation. If you are comfortable with who you are, the decisions you have made, and the direction you are going- you won't bow into pressure others put on you. Too much sensitivity into that pressure is a sign that you are still "discovering" yourself and relying too much on outside influences to determine what is right and wrong for you.

while we all have our secrets. i do possess a few that outclass the vast majority of folks and that is fine though occassionally annoying. however one particular problem with being myself is...oh you were on a mission during that time you say....oh yea i was getting stoned and robbing wal mart....ROCK ON BUDDY!!!. regardless of that being the past or not it tends to turn people off. yes yes i shouldnt care about such judgemental folks but thats sadly how ive had people react. even had someone hate me because i did laundry on sunday....why the horror in a place with 8 of us living here doing laundry whenever i could....add this to stuff i would normally keep secret anyway and i find i end up concealing a lot more about myself than i want too. two prime points....seriously why does everyone here love disney? also i swear people have invented games here for large crowds completely clueless to the fact that these are poor substitutes for beer and drugs. i swear ive played games here that i would of touched while stoned its like doing stuff that is meant only for the stoned brain and as a former stoner i sit there in awe watching it transpire. i just have a hard time relating to this kind of stuff. dont confuse me i am not saying beer is required for a good time but there are simply some things that go good with beer and doing fake substitutes is laughably crazy.

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one then faces immediate and instant backlash from people in my own age group....so your solution here is????

Be your own person?

how is the age bracket of 18-30 a minority group?

Singles wards != members 18-30.

singles wards exist outside of utah.

Yes they do, they are still a minority of units.

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Be your own person?

Singles wards != members 18-30.

Yes they do, they are still a minority of units.

1. true. but one must interact with your own age group. and unless i missed the memo most of that age group goes to you guessed it a singles ward.

2. singles ward does = people between the age of 18-30. though the reverse might not always be true....here in college city you goto a singles ward or get branded an outcast and find no one of your age group to interact with at least concerning church stuff. heck even in my home city where there is one singles ward within a 100 mile radius people will drive just to goto THAT singles ward....why? its the only way to find mormons of your own age group.

3. i still want to see the proof they are a minority group given within 10 miles of me there are no less than like 10 000 of them. ok maybe not that many but there are a ton. still proof that singles wards are a minority id like some.

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one then faces immediate and instant backlash from people in my own age group....so your solution here is???? i also expect one might face similar reactions as those that are 30 and unmarried and change to a family ward which is another problem.

how is the age bracket of 18-30 a minority group? singles wards exist outside of utah. furthermore mormons being dominant in utah and utah has an endless amount of singles wards...im not really sure how singles wards fall into a minority group.

What about single members with kids, kayne? They can't attend a singles ward, because there is no nursery or primary for their kids.

Where I am living right now, we didn't have enough singles in the area to form a ward until recently, and it's not really a ward- it's a branch. Until it's formation, some of our singles would drive a little over an hour away to attend the singles ward in the nearest big city. Due to the distance though, this wasn't the norm, and really the only ones who would do this would be those who were driven to find a match as quick as possible and treated attending church like a dating service.

Now though, we have a singles branch in our city, and when it first formed I admit I was a bit bitter about it. Now, I'm awkward no matter what I do. If I tried attending the singles branch, I'd be the only one there with a kid and I'd have to leave early because there would be no nursery. Attending my family ward, I'm the only young single person there. Probably the most awkward part about it is when people see me alone and assume my husband is in the military- they ask me where he's deployed and I tell them I'm divorced.

We can't do anything about the environment though- and the environment is geared to see to the needs of the many, not the needs of the few- which is a good thing! Even though I am one of the "few", I recognize that the current system is a good one and serves its purposes for the majority. I don't see any reason to change it, and even if I felt it did need to change to better cater to my circumstances, there wouldn't really be all that much I could do about it.

Complaining about things you cannot change will build feelings of pessimism and make you bitter, as Dravin pointed out. Instead of focusing on these things you cannot control, focus on the things you can control. This is also what will make a difference in your life and help you progress- if you look inward, identify the things you can change and work on within yourself, and then do so, you will improve your character and your circumstances won't matter. That is all God requires of us anyway. We are given adverse circumstances we cannot alter, I think, because the only way to then progress is to look inward and work on our own character.

i appreciate the advice. i dont always intend to come off as bitter. i try to mask some of cynical sarcasm. but i do admit i cant always help it. here on a forum i can come off however i want with little affect on me. but in person i do attempt to mask some of that cynical sarcasm that can sound bitter. not that i am depressed or sad or unhappy. then of course i run into the problem i am not myself and too much of myself gets hidden and i dont always find that a good alternative either. in fact thinking on i suspect that is why those dates in that other thread went wrong. i concealed this part of me entirely too much so i ended up being entirely too shy and quite. since i havent found people out here in utah always the most receptive to one with such a rather dark past once those layers decide to reveal themselves. and i assure it is a rather dark and twisted past which does in affect contribute to what you just mentioned. my ability to bond with new people got killed and i am trying to refind it.

I personally don't think the problem is that you "come off" bitter. I think it's that you are bitter. No matter how much you try to hide that, people see it, they feel it, and they don't want to be around it. It's not good for you either. Pessimism destroys your sense of self-worth and your ability to "take charge". Focusing on the outward circumstances you can't control will make you depressed and discourage you from doing anything about it.

Other people have seen and acknowledge the same problems you are seeing- but we don't let those problems shape our destiny. We acknowledge them, find ways to adapt and cope, and move on. I would be very easy to become bitter about being single when I'd rather be otherwise, and there were some things and people in my past I could blame for my situation. I'd rather not be bitter though. Such may be easy, but I would always feel terrible and would never get out of my ruts. Instead, I look inward, identify what I can change in myself and do about it, and then I do so.

i do agree address and yea i am aware of that trend i did ironically just take a sociology marriage class where this was discussed. i also took a dating institute class. and somehow i still feel like i only learned how to keep a relationship not actually start one. i just dont always think it seems like it is addressed correctly. a common theme they use is guys and there toys. or too busy having fun being single. you know a lot of guys and our toys play with them because we have tried to form connections but here it is friday at 9 pm and having failed to create a connection its games or porn. quite frankly games is the healthies choice. these talks tend to ignore the person that tries or doesnt know how this dating thing works given we all have this over romatic idea in our heads of dating....its really a lot more complicated than just focus on dating men youll get it right.

I think you are simplifying it too much in saying that the perceived reasons guys are single is just because they are playing with toys and/or looking at porn instead of going out. There could be any number of reasons for people to delay getting married- some of them good, some of them not so much. I believe the advice we receive from the leadership of the church is there to give us pause, so that we will evaluate our situations and make sure our priorities aren't out of order. It is a push to be more proactive, but is not condoning those who are single for good reasons.

The talks you seem to have problems with are, like the singles wards, there to meet the needs of the majority. They cover general principles, and leave the details up to us. Looking to church leadership to give you all the answers and solve all your problems is expecting to much out of them, and again stunting your progression because you are failing to take initiative and be proactive. There are many other places and things designed to help with social problems that you would just have to seek out for yourself if you want the extra help.

while we all have our secrets. i do possess a few that outclass the vast majority of folks and that is fine though occassionally annoying. however one particular problem with being myself is...oh you were on a mission during that time you say....oh yea i was getting stoned and robbing wal mart....ROCK ON BUDDY!!!. regardless of that being the past or not it tends to turn people off. yes yes i shouldnt care about such judgemental folks but thats sadly how ive had people react. even had someone hate me because i did laundry on sunday....why the horror in a place with 8 of us living here doing laundry whenever i could....add this to stuff i would normally keep secret anyway and i find i end up concealing a lot more about myself than i want too. two prime points....seriously why does everyone here love disney? also i swear people have invented games here for large crowds completely clueless to the fact that these are poor substitutes for beer and drugs. i swear ive played games here that i would of touched while stoned its like doing stuff that is meant only for the stoned brain and as a former stoner i sit there in awe watching it transpire. i just have a hard time relating to this kind of stuff. dont confuse me i am not saying beer is required for a good time but there are simply some things that go good with beer and doing fake substitutes is laughably crazy.

As for the secrets- I don't think we should ever consider our past a secret. Sure, we may not be proud of it, but we don't hide it. You should be willing to talk about your past with others in a way that shows not only that you will be open and honest about it, but how you feel about it. Have you taken responsibility for your mistakes, repented? Are you a better person now? Are you remorseful? etc. Sure, some people will be judgmental and decide they want nothing to do with you just because of your past. But most people will be more willing to be understanding if they like the person you are now. If you have learned from your past and grown into a better and more spiritually mature person, others will be more willing to "forget" your past.

Instead of trying to conceal yourself, be yourself, and continuously strive to make that self a better person than you were the day before. Most people are far more put off by fakeness than they are an unsightly past. Openness and honesty are often high on the list of priorities people look for when dating.

As for the pseduo-drinking games- I agree with you. I think they are rediculous and wrong, and I've never participated in them. I think if you express your distate in them and go find something else to do when the games are going on, others who feel the same way you do will be more likely to follow suit.

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1. true. but one must interact with your own age group. and unless i missed the memo most of that age group goes to you guessed it a singles ward.

Then like many other voluntary activities you'll have to decide if the perceived benefit is worth the perceived pain.

2. singles ward does = people between the age of 18-30.

No, single's ward = a church unit where a portion of single people aged 18-30 who are members of the Church attend. I said single's wards are minority units any attempt to try to turn that into "people between the age of 18-30 are a minority" is a straw-man.

though the reverse might not always be true....here in college city you goto a singles ward or get branded an outcast and find no one of your age group to interact with at least concerning church stuff. heck even in my home city where there is one singles ward within a 100 mile radius people will drive just to goto THAT singles ward....why? its the only way to find mormons of your own age group.

I've met Mormons from my own age group outside of a Church unit or activities (in a college city even). Attending a single's ward may put you in a prime situation to interact with members of your own age group but meeting members of your own age group is not only possible through a single's ward.

3. i still want to see the proof they are a minority group given within 10 miles of me there are no less than like 10 000 of them. ok maybe not that many but there are a ton. still proof that singles wards are a minority id like some.

Looking at the Church Organizational directory I'm seeing 21,000+ wards and 7,500+ branches. A Search for YSA units returns just under 1,200 results (I know it's quick and dirty but it demonstrates the point):

1,200/28,500 = 0.042

4.2% (less actually) of branches and wards are YSA.

Edited by Dravin
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i am single, 23 and never plan to marry and i was also raised in the church (though only FINALLY baptized yesterday ha). As a woman i want to get a degree in that which i am passionate in, get a steady full time job and live alone and independently for a few years first. Marriage is the last thing on my mind despite the pressure allot of LDS youth seem to feel. If it happens, great! if not, great!

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1. true. but one must interact with your own age group. and unless i missed the memo most of that age group goes to you guessed it a singles ward.

2. singles ward does = people between the age of 18-30. though the reverse might not always be true....here in college city you goto a singles ward or get branded an outcast and find no one of your age group to interact with at least concerning church stuff. heck even in my home city where there is one singles ward within a 100 mile radius people will drive just to goto THAT singles ward....why? its the only way to find mormons of your own age group.

3. i still want to see the proof they are a minority group given within 10 miles of me there are no less than like 10 000 of them. ok maybe not that many but there are a ton. still proof that singles wards are a minority id like some.

And according to your profile you live in Orem. Hardly an argument considering BYU and UVU down in that area. Of course there are a lot of singles wards in that geographical area. Just like there will be a lot of singles wards in Rexburg, Idaho or Laie, Hawaii.

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  • 3 weeks later...

i am single, 23 and never plan to marry and i was also raised in the church (though only FINALLY baptized yesterday ha). As a woman i want to get a degree in that which i am passionate in, get a steady full time job and live alone and independently for a few years first. Marriage is the last thing on my mind despite the pressure allot of LDS youth seem to feel. If it happens, great! if not, great!

Good for you! I think more girls should consider this.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It was nice reading this thread! One of the fears I had about going to church was being a 34 year old single freak! I just got the impression 18-30 year olds were all there were! I am attending whatever is this Saturday (my first singles activity). I don't know this is all still new to me.

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It was nice reading this thread! One of the fears I had about going to church was being a 34 year old single freak! I just got the impression 18-30 year olds were all there were! I am attending whatever is this Saturday (my first singles activity). I don't know this is all still new to me.

hey thats great! i have yet to attempt a singles activity, let us know how you like it! :)

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Well tomorrow is the Single Adult pot luck. I was going to make barbacoa (I still might), but right now I am waiting for the butter to thaw out for chocolate chip cookies. If I get the stuff for barbocoa the cookies are staying home! I am glad I am single I don't think I would of ended up to happy with any of the girls from my past life style. I hope to change that before I get too old though!

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Well tomorrow is the Single Adult pot luck. I was going to make barbacoa (I still might), but right now I am waiting for the butter to thaw out for chocolate chip cookies. If I get the stuff for barbocoa the cookies are staying home! I am glad I am single I don't think I would of ended up to happy with any of the girls from my past life style. I hope to change that before I get too old though!

wooooooooo! cookies sound amazing! always good at any potluck for sure!

Nothing wrong with being single, you are more likely to find someone special if you are single and it doesnt bother you ;) relaxed atmosphere etc. :D

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I am single because the ex decided she could do better than me.

I am working through some stuff she left me with besides a big debt think hundreds of thousands here and for the most part I am glad she did get rid of me as I am finding the real me is much more fun and someday yes I would like to be a part of a couple again.

The pickings being small for sisters is not a whole lot better for the brothers either. I have been told I should have a job and not going to college, forget I had career for 37 years that I retired from. That I could not possibly keep them in a life style they are accustomed too. That I am looking at women that are to young for me, never mind the ex was in that age group. No it was not that great a difference in age something like 10 years.

I am not the kind of priesthood holder they want aka I am only an elder not a high priest whatever that has to do with being a good husband and companion.

I have even drove 5 hours to have a dinner date just to go out on a date and then drive 5 hours home again. Why to have a interesting night out and also to have a lively conversation over dinner kind of hard when there is only one of you at the table.

I see marriage as being something more than I love you right now but you know in a few years I need to dump you because you have aged. Oh well maybe someday there will be someone that is right for me if not then I will live alone which I hate but is so much better than being a part of something where you are not loved, wanted or desired beyond what you can do for the other person in the relationship.

Edited by shdwlkr
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  • 3 years later...
  • 3 weeks later...

I'm siingle now because i finally found the courage to divorce my abusive ex. I have tried dating but can'r seem to find anyone that i'm compatible with. Most men in their 50's are set in their ways and think they know more than  everyone else. I think i will enjoy my life more , just being single.

.

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I'm single now (and fairly recently) because I finally came up with the money to divorce my cheating ex. I'm just starting trying to date again after getting myself of a self-destructive phase of my life. I have a testimony, I'm not abusive or a pedophile . I do take showers and am less lazy than the average person I know. I just got a job as well as my driver's license and my first car (which being able to drive is huge as well as difficult for me because of a disability). I live in a rural area with only one other single member in my branch, who happens to be male like myself.

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  • 3 weeks later...

The first big hurdle I kept running into was the whole "I'll only date a returned missionary!" mentality. My maternal grandmother had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and so I stayed back home to help my mom take care of her. Rather than ask why I didn't go, however, a lot of people - including some of the local priesthood brethren - simply turned their backs on me. 

 

I did eventually find someone around 2005, but I did something stupid and caused a rift in the relationship that never healed. 

 

I spent the next two years trying again, but this came to a halt when I was laid off in the fall of 2007. Given that I was in college at the time, this was a severe blow to my finances. Whatever money I made from temp jobs and day labor wound up going for tuition; I simply couldn't afford the local dating scene. 

 

I eventually found a job at the end of 2008, but by then my finances were so devastated that I still couldn't afford anything. I finally got my finances back in shape around 2012, just in time for a massive mistake on the part of the grad school I was attending; because of this mistake, I spent an entire calendar year without any sort of financial aid. This broke my finances back into pieces, meaning that I couldn't afford to go anywhere; $20 was a big splurge back then. 

 

Well, I made it through graduate school, and I finally started getting my finances back in shape... only for the federal insurance mandate to hit. Even though I'm only carrying a "bronze" plan, my premiums are still the size of a car payment. Between this and all of my other bills, my entire "entertainment" budget each month is a mere $50; that's dinner for two at any place nice. 

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  • 3 months later...
  • 4 weeks later...
Good evening everyone from France
I loved to read, especially I like what you say on this topic.
Here in France there are more women than men, and as everyone here I want a worthy eternal companion. Me neither I do not want one that plays pretending to console all night and sleeping half the time, or remaining on the couch telling me to silence our children because they make too much noise. I want to get married in the temple. But alas, in my parish there is no man who would suit me. One of my friends told me that if I was not married it was my fault! I am Métis and because I'm half black I should marry a black because no after all I am black! I'm not racist (having black family this would be difficult in everyday life.) But why I could not marry me with who I want ??? Whether blue, green or yellow I do not care but I want him to be worthy of my principles. I'm not going to lie, I was elevated with the idea of ​​prince charming white and my ideal is blond with blue eyes. Is that wrong?
On top of that I was big enough and before men I met were unwilling or sex (which I could not wanted to give them) or just learn to include this with their next girlfriend. To them I was a fling, because given my physical I was good for nothing but to be an adventure. I present to their family or friends as someone he could love was impossible. Now that I am thinner, I interress men are either married or I am an easy girl because at my age I should be married if I was a good person.
What must he do to find the right person, doing what it takes ... Not to be criticized.

There is a saying in spanish that I love it is: Mejor sola que mal acompanada. Better alone than in bad company. Ben Raines

In french we said On est mieux seul que mal accompagné

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