You're single because....


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6 hours ago, Flying Saint said:

 

Kind of yes because the thing is they generally don't say they intentions completely because its like lets be friends but I'm still gonna flirt with you like dating in the future is a possibility then keep say but we are just friends so if they would come out and say exactly that look I don't think we would work out but you are an awesome guy and i would like us to be friends that would be great the fact is It's like every-time I see one of them I don't know what hat to be wearing that of a potential date or just the good friend hat.

Almost without exception, when a girl breaks up with you, you can cross them permanently off the "potential future date list".  

6 hours ago, Flying Saint said:

hahaha have you had to this before on a date? just out of curiosity? and thanks for your input 

Yes.  And as light hearted as I've made my comments here, it's not really a laughing matter.  Some guys just... they cross lines and it is NOT ok and they need out of your life.  

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7 hours ago, Flying Saint said:

Kind of yes because the thing is they generally don't say they intentions completely because its like lets be friends but I'm still gonna flirt with you like dating in the future is a possibility then keep say but we are just friends so if they would come out and say exactly that look I don't think we would work out but you are an awesome guy and i would like us to be friends that would be great the fact is It's like every-time I see one of them I don't know what hat to be wearing that of a potential date or just the good friend hat.

Okay here's your problem. Your perception might be that they are flirting, but maybe to them they are not. I mean if they're trying to have a makeout session with you after they've said "let's just be friends" then you're dealing with a whole different problem. But if they're just being friendly but it seems to be more flirtatious than friendly, I would heed on the side of caution that you might be perceiving it that way and not that it is what they're intending. If a girl is interested in you, and she is worth your time and energy in dating, she will make it known to you. 

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6 minutes ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Okay here's your problem. Your perception might be that they are flirting, but maybe to them they are not. I mean if they're trying to have a makeout session with you after they've said "let's just be friends" then you're dealing with a whole different problem. But if they're just being friendly but it seems to be more flirtatious than friendly, I would heed on the side of caution that you might be perceiving it that way and not that it is what they're intending. If a girl is interested in you, and she is worth your time and energy in dating, she will make it known to you. 

I'd second this 100%.  Guys so often misunderstood my being friendly as flirting, which was SO frustrating.  If I want to date you, I'll tell you.  If I told you I don't want to date you, then I really meant it.  Don't think me being nice to you is me flirting. 

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5 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

I'd second this 100%.  Guys so often misunderstood my being friendly as flirting, which was SO frustrating.  If I want to date you, I'll tell you.  If I told you I don't want to date you, then I really meant it.  Don't think me being nice to you is me flirting. 

I have a sad feeling this could fall into a gender gap issue but some men feel the exact same way. I remember at least two incidents in my life where "Oh! You've read that book too?" was interpreted by her as me falling to one knee and professing my undying love and affection. 

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9 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I have a sad feeling this could fall into a gender gap issue but some men feel the exact same way. I remember at least two incidents in my life where "Oh! You've read that book too?" was interpreted by her as me falling to one knee and professing my undying love and affection. 

And people wonder why we need a whole compound...  (And a moat.)

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16 hours ago, Flying Saint said:

 

Kind of yes because the thing is they generally don't say they intentions completely because its like lets be friends but I'm still gonna flirt with you like dating in the future is a possibility then keep say but we are just friends so if they would come out and say exactly that look I don't think we would work out but you are an awesome guy and i would like us to be friends that would be great the fact is It's like every-time I see one of them I don't know what hat to be wearing that of a potential date or just the good friend hat.

 

hahaha have you had to this before on a date? just out of curiosity? and thanks for your input 

If you've already gone on a date or two with her, there is no "potential date" hat. 

What is wrong with being friends with a woman? If there's no potential for a romantic relationship, is there no other reason to spend time with her? Have you been any dates with someone where, at the end of it, you realized she wouldn't be a good wife for you even though you enjoyed her company? You seem to be upset that people want to be friends with you. It takes more than just being nice and temple worthy to impress someone. Have you obtained any education beyond high school? If you text or message her, are you bothering to use proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar? What does your career path look like? How do you speak of your nuclear family (parents, siblings)? 

The last date I went on was with a pretty nice guy. However, I am not interested in a romantic relationship with him. Living in a remodeled machine shed and using your boxes of ammo in lieu of a box spring may impress some other lady, but not me. I was left with the impression that he wanted to be my boyfriend or nothing, which actually bummed me out because he'd make a pretty good friend. Because I didn't want to give him any false hope, I lost out on a potential friendship.

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On 7/31/2017 at 6:34 PM, seashmore said:

The last date I went on was with a pretty nice guy. However, I am not interested in a romantic relationship with him. Living in a remodeled machine shed and using your boxes of ammo in lieu of a box spring may impress some other lady, but not me. I was left with the impression that he wanted to be my boyfriend or nothing, which actually bummed me out because he'd make a pretty good friend. Because I didn't want to give him any false hope, I lost out on a potential friendship.

Oh sure, you want to "be friends" to keep him in reserve so you can grab him up as soon as the zombie apocalypse starts, without having to contribute to any of the prep effort in the meantime.

Women are so shallow.  :rolleyes:

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On 7/31/2017 at 5:34 PM, seashmore said:

The last date I went on was with a pretty nice guy. However, I am not interested in a romantic relationship with him. Living in a remodeled machine shed and using your boxes of ammo in lieu of a box spring may impress some other lady, but not me. I was left with the impression that he wanted to be my boyfriend or nothing, which actually bummed me out because he'd make a pretty good friend. Because I didn't want to give him any false hope, I lost out on a potential friendship.

I know that many discussions have been had on whether or not males and females can ever truly be just friends. I'm undecided, but I know that when I was single I never felt like it was worthwhile to develop any deep friendship with a lady who I was not going to potentially marry simply because  from my perspective it would be inappropriate to continue the friendship once I did get married. Wouldn't it make my wife uncomfortable to know that I like spending time with another woman who potentially knows things about me that I've never thought to share with her (my wife). I suppose the friendship could just be cancelled at that time, but it seems kind of harsh to just simply tell all of my friends, "hey, I'm married now, we can't be friends anymore." Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I feel that having opposite gender friends, especially when married, is playing with fire.

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4 minutes ago, SpiritDragon said:

I know that many discussions have been had on whether or not males and females can ever truly be just friends. I'm undecided, but I know that when I was single I never felt like it was worthwhile to develop any deep friendship with a lady who I was not going to potentially marry simply because  from my perspective it would be inappropriate to continue the friendship once I did get married. Wouldn't it make my wife uncomfortable to know that I like spending time with another woman who potentially knows things about me that I've never thought to share with her (my wife). I suppose the friendship could just be cancelled at that time, but it seems kind of harsh to just simply tell all of my friends, "hey, I'm married now, we can't be friends anymore." Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I feel that having opposite gender friends, especially when married, is playing with fire.

I respect your opinion here, though mine is very different.  I have many male friends, and my husband has female friends.  I'm in a male dominated workplace, so I have pre-marriage male friends and keep making new ones.  I may be a proud female but I'm not .... "girly", for lack of a better word.  I admit, often times I sit chatting with a RS sister and think "wow, you're husband sounds cool.  Can I talk with him instead of you?".  Naturally many times that's not possible, but still....  

It's a very person-to-person thing.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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1 minute ago, Jane_Doe said:

I respect your opinion here, though mine is very different.  I have many male friends, and my husband has female friends.  I'm in a male dominated workplace, so I have pre-marriage male friends and keep making new ones.  I may be a proud female but I'm not .... "girly", for lack of a better word.  I admit, often times I sit chatting with a RS sister and think "wow, you're husband sounds cool.  Can I talk with him instead of you?".  Naturally many times that's not possible, but still....  

It's a very person-to-person thing.

Indeed, everyone is entitled to their opinion. If it works for your husband and you, that's great. I am one of four men in a workplace of fifty women, and I consider many of my colleagues enjoyable to spend time with and interesting people, but not friends. I wonder if much of the difference of opinion is in how we define friends? I like most people I meet and as far as I can tell the feeling is mutual, and yet I consider very few people friends.

Out of curiosity do you go hang out with your male friends while your husband is off with his female friends? What sort of friend activities do you guys get up to?

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8 minutes ago, SpiritDragon said:

Indeed, everyone is entitled to their opinion. If it works for your husband and you, that's great. I am one of four men in a workplace of fifty women, and I consider many of my colleagues enjoyable to spend time with and interesting people, but not friends. I wonder if much of the difference of opinion is in how we define friends? I like most people I meet and as far as I can tell the feeling is mutual, and yet I consider very few people friends.

That is a good point.  I consider someone who I enjoy talking to and hanging out with to be a friend.  Obviously not every friend I have is a best friend.  

8 minutes ago, SpiritDragon said:

Out of curiosity do you go hang out with your male friends while your husband is off with his female friends? What sort of friend activities do you guys get up to?

You seem to think I get to hang out in-person with people outside of work ;)    I work 60+ hours a week, and we're usually doing work.  But it's work we can talk during and we have a talk-about-anything-super-casual environment so we talk about absolutely everything.

On my off hours, I don't really get to hang out in person much with anyone (besides husband).  I just have too many time/distance constraints.  Chatting, that I do all the time.  On the rare occasion we do get in-person time with friends there's laughing and sure hanging out one-on-one of every combo.  Activities are most commonly let's take the kids to the park and grown ups sit on the bench to chat.  We're tired parents :)

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8 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

That is a good point.  I consider someone who I enjoy talking to and hanging out with to be a friend.  Obviously not every friend I have is a best friend.  

Well there you have it. With that criteria I'd probably have 20+ lady friends... at least insofar as the hanging out is work related - I still wouldn't ever feel it appropriate to call up the ladies from work and go hang out at a restaurant or their house, so my "friendship" with them is contingent on them either being active customers/clients at work or co-workers.

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On August 2, 2017 at 10:49 PM, SpiritDragon said:

I know that many discussions have been had on whether or not males and females can ever truly be just friends. I'm undecided, but I know that when I was single I never felt like it was worthwhile to develop any deep friendship with a lady who I was not going to potentially marry simply because  from my perspective it would be inappropriate to continue the friendship once I did get married. Wouldn't it make my wife uncomfortable to know that I like spending time with another woman who potentially knows things about me that I've never thought to share with her (my wife). I suppose the friendship could just be cancelled at that time, but it seems kind of harsh to just simply tell all of my friends, "hey, I'm married now, we can't be friends anymore." Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I feel that having opposite gender friends, especially when married, is playing with fire.

This is why it's so lonely being single. Especially within the church because, under this way of thinking, I ought not to have a friendship with my home teachers. 

"I don't care what a man's character is; if he's my friend-a true friend, I will be a friend to him, and preach the Gospel of salvation to him, and give him good counsel, helping him out of his difficulties."
Joseph Smith, Jr.

Anyone who treats me this way is someone I consider a true friend. Regular friends must either make me laugh or make me wiser.

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@seashmoreI count myself fortunate that loneliness and boredom have never been my companions, I've always found that there is too much to do and have never minded the company of solitude, often preferring it. Perhaps some of that comes from having a large enough family that I have a hard enough time making time to see family that time to myself is precious and increasingly rare now that I have little people to look after.

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@seashmore. Perhaps make friends with some of the young married sisters? It can be a bit sad not to have lds female friends. I know you are busy but even being Facebook friends with a few can be a good idea...just in case maybe? Someday, you may need a friend to lean on and when that day comes, if your confidant is lds, that can be important. Just an example, there is a creepy sexual harasser who is stalking me at church. I told my nonlds sisters and their response was ...find another church. Not faith promoting! 

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2 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

@seashmore. Perhaps make friends with some of the young married sisters? It can be a bit sad not to have lds female friends. I know you are busy but even being Facebook friends with a few can be a good idea...just in case maybe? Someday, you may need a friend to lean on and when that day comes, if your confidant is lds, that can be important. Just an example, there is a creepy sexual harasser who is stalking me at church. I told my nonlds sisters and their response was ...find another church. Not faith promoting! 

I do have LDS female friends, but not so many LDS male friends. It just kind of irritates me a little that I have to be considered an adultry risk just because I'm not married. News flash: I'm not going to try and lure away anyone's husband, and there are obviously issues if you (general) feel that even has a chance at being successful. Just don't give me the stink eye if I remembered your husband's birthday because it is the exact same day as mine.

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15 hours ago, SpiritDragon said:

@seashmoreI count myself fortunate that loneliness and boredom have never been my companions, I've always found that there is too much to do and have never minded the company of solitude, often preferring it. Perhaps some of that comes from having a large enough family that I have a hard enough time making time to see family that time to myself is precious and increasingly rare now that I have little people to look after.

Lonliness isn't being alone, it's feeling like you don't connect with anyone around you.

I'm hardly ever bored (I own 300+ books and 150+ movies in addition to hobbies), and have zero qualms about spending time with just myself (unless I'm experiencing a bout of depression, in which case I'll go shopping or to a restaurant just to exchange in some small talk). 

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6 hours ago, seashmore said:

I do have LDS female friends, but not so many LDS male friends. It just kind of irritates me a little that I have to be considered an adultry risk just because I'm not married. News flash: I'm not going to try and lure away anyone's husband, and there are obviously issues if you (general) feel that even has a chance at being successful. Just don't give me the stink eye if I remembered your husband's birthday because it is the exact same day as mine.

I know what you mean! I have a friend married to a horrible man. She really worries that someone will steal him from her. Actually I know a few women who feel this about their not very nice husbands! 

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On 8/11/2017 at 6:10 AM, Sunday21 said:

I know what you mean! I have a friend married to a horrible man. She really worries that someone will steal him from her. Actually I know a few women who feel this about their not very nice husbands! 

I had wondered about this behavior.  Why would a woman care if someone stole her horrible husband away from her.  She'd be free.

Then I realized that the horrible husbands probably degrade and insult the wife to the point that she feels he's the best she can get.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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51 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I had wondered about this behavior.  Why would a woman care if someone stole her horrible husband away from her.  She'd be free.

Then I realized that the horrible husbands probably degrade and insult the wife to the point that she feels he's the best she can get.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yes, I am sure that you right.

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  • 1 month later...

I am a firm proponent that the church culture ( not the church) widens the chasm between gender. In my life I have never met a bunch of people that were so dysfunctional in terms of dating than the LDS people. 

It is as simple as it gets. Women objectify men by wanting them to be the bishops boy, mr. universe- handsome and an accomplished missionary. If you are a convert, you are automatically friend zoned.

Men objectify women by who looks nice and makes the cutest baby with the willingness to be a baby factory and home maker. 

What the kids are being told in young men/ women just makes my hair stand up, as they tell you to not date someone for what you aren´t instead of taking into consideration what they actually are. 

I made it a standing policy not to be "friends" with someone who rejected you as you go through the motions of humiliation and being kept around as a tropy. Sort of like a hungry dog chained to the post with a sausage dangling in front of him. It only breads resentment and undermines self respect. 

Thankfully my wife saw it similarly and we are going strong now for several years. For all you rejected folks, I can only say, turn to converts or look outside the church because there is less "airs" and you happen to be able to play by rules you can understand. 

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I can't really discount Hemisphere's experiences, but I can try to place them in context.  I hear scarring tales of dating/mate finding woe from all ends of the earth - I don't think it's just an LDS thing, but a human thing.   I was inactive from 19-26, believe me, there at least as many traumatic stories of harmful pain to be found outside the church as in it.

And no matter how much it might look that way, we really don't have a corner on the 'self-righteous pretense-holding unrighteous-judging' market.  That's absolutely everywhere too. 

Hemisphere, glad you were able to emerge from the rapids and whirlpools of dating, into the sheltered harbor of your wife's company.  

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I am adding an addendum to my post. You people might want to consider not having a checklist of expectations and pretend that finding your partner has to be done in a specific "church" way. You will find yourself sorely disappointed when you view this all as a chore/ meat market. 

Instead, be the person your potential partner expects you to be. That includes also dignity and self respect. Do not chase after someone who doesn´t appreciate you for yourself. It is a waste of time. You will miss out on some people and in the end you will be glad you did. Because there is no price nor a fast forward button on love and integrity. You may also would like to reconsider not to be "just friends". A European thumb of rule in the past, was to find your future bride/groom 100 hours away from home. Why ? because there where you are from you may not be appreciated. And perspectives vary from location to location. Where one is pauper he / she may be a prince(ss) elsewhere. However, it will require you work on your side. Complacency is the most ardent of saboteurs. 

Don't beg someone to be with you. Don't degrade yourself and don't conform yourself for the sake of an outside opinion. Be yourself and you will see, that the genuine light of your soul will find someone that will feel drawn to it.  

Edited by Hemisphere
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