You're single because....

[FunkyTown]

no girl seems to be interested in a nice, bigger guy

I've got a little chunk-a-chunk goin' on and I've never had complaints from the opposite sex.

I don't think it's the weight. I think it's the 'Nice'.

It's not bad to be a nice guy. It's bad to be a 'Guy who defines nice as someone who would never say or do anything flirty for fear of being inappropriate'.

I swear, there should be a class in dating for LDS guys. Most of us suck at it.

[Dravin]

I've got a little chunk-a-chunk goin' on and I've never had complaints from the opposite sex.

I don't think it's the weight. I think it's the 'Nice'.

It's not bad to be a nice guy. It's bad to be a 'Guy who defines nice as someone who would never say or do anything flirty for fear of being inappropriate'.

I swear, there should be a class in dating for LDS guys. Most of us suck at it.

Neurotically

Insecure

Concerning

Enticing

Thank you, thank you. Yes I just made that up (it's rather obvious, just look at the quality or lack there of).

[hiddentreasures]

I am single because my husband of 14 years decided to reunite with his "soul mate."

[the Ogre]

I am a 42yr old divorced dude. I raised my three children by myself and until last year, I did not try to date - I was busy with my kids (school, chores, mission prep etc.). Of the five guys I am friends with (one one is married, but they did not get married until both were nearly thirty), I am the only one with kids or even a modicum of real experience speaking to women.

The dates I have finally started to get are informal and generally only lunch dates and carry no commitment.

I have read many of the reasons why LDS women are not interested in LDS men my age. I do not think they give me a fair chance. I have worked hard to eliminate the problems that I can control (negativity, dark cynicism and sarcasm). I can not say why I've only experienced rejection and it is nearly impossible to stay motivated. My mom thinks my problem is because I'm still in college, but that is not my fault. I have the luck that many single moms my age have: my education had to re-prioritized while I raised my kids. She thinks that when I finally have my Ph.D. then more people will be interested. I have my doubts.

What am I doing now that might be a bad move: I still have a goatee, I am still overweight (but I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last year), I am backing out of FaceBook, I do not allow family members to open dating-site profiles for me, I am trying to be nice always to the point of the LDS niciness I find so despicable in others, I smile, I study constantly, work on my web-site, and occasionally play WoW (once a week, maybe).

What I think I'm doing right: temple-attendance, church activity, work hard with the Elders in my quorum, I work, I pay my tithing, I still provide for my kids, I study the scriptures, and try to be sociable in social settings.

It is very frustrating. With my kids mostly gone, it is getting quite lonely with only books and fish to talk to. I am to the point where I'm going to completely give up. My friends think I should. While they have never been married or have children, they are active in church (for the most part) and are good men. The group of us feel maybe we are retarded, autistic, or just too nerdy (the true nerd of us is making six figures a year and owns a modest house and is very active in his 30+ ward and he does not get dates). We don't get it, so when we get together we mostly watch sports, movies, tv or go out to eat.

Why are there so many single sisters out there? I've no idea. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. I'm trying to to de-singlfy myself by myself.

Edited July 1, 2010 by the Ogre

[MisterT]

I'm single because I've managed to sabotage every relationship I've ever had. Not on purpose, but the result is the same as if it were.

[beefche]

I don't get it. I really, really, really don't get it. I know some really great people, men and women, who are single and don't date. I'm not sure why.

Until recently, I haven't dated hardly at all. Part of that reason was because where I live there are very, very few single men my age who are active LDS men. I never met single LDS men my age and if I did, I was simply never asked out.

One thing I've learned is that EVERYONE is insecure when it comes to relationships. I am more on the confident side and perhaps that intimidated men? I'm also very friendly and can make friends quite easily--perhaps they saw me as only a friend?

Here's my advice for one and all. Ask people out. Accept invitations to go out. Stop thinking that each date is "the one." Other than basic things, redo your list of "must haves" (I sometimes wonder if we consciously or subconsciously have a list of what our dates must have to even go out with them). Work on yourself to improve and do not go out with someone thinking they will change or that you will change them. Accept them for who they are right now and see their potential.

It can be discouraging and you want to give up. For me, I decided long ago that I wasn't giving up necessarily, but that I would be happy even if I remained single for my life. It is possible to be happy and single. Yes, loneliness and depression can happen, but that happens to married people as well.

[JudoMinja]

I don't so much have a problem with being one-on-one with a person, like in a date setting. I don't get uncomfortable, and am fairly confident when with others of the opposite sex. What's hard for me is getting to the point where I can have that one-one-one time, or even with a small group of people, because I feel terribly uncomfortable in large social settings. When I'm at church or institute I don't hang around to socialize. I'm not good at making small talk.

If I'm going to meet somebody to date, I'm going to have to come right out and ask them myself before escaping one of those large social settings (because no guy is going to get the chance to ask me before I slip out due to my discomfort), or I'm going to have to meet him somewhere that has smaller groups and allows more in-depth discussion on topics of interest. Like a class or bookclub or some such activity.

Of course, I'm not even looking yet. But beefche's comment caused me to pause and think about what it would take for me to even get a date once I'm ready to look.

So, I guess right now I'd have to say the reason I am single is because I'm not ready to be otherwise.

[Moksha]

Remaining single sometimes involves not being at the right places. In the past I have found that LDS singles activities will put one in touch with a lot of marriage minded women. Going to singles wards will result in Sunday dinner invites.

One thing I have never understood is why guys go to LDS Singles dances and then stand around and not ask anyone to dance - especially for the slow dances. What are they thinking?

Are we certain the Church even encourages marriages after a certain age? They routinely kick members who are old enough to remember ABBA out of singles wards. This should let those older than that off the hook in terms of any outward social pressure.

[MisterT]

Remembering ABBA, or liking them if you've been introduced to their music lets say, after 1980, should not only get you kicked out of a singles ward, but out of the USA entirely.

[mavreenrose]

I revisited my earlier post on this thread and I can't help but post again.

Last time, I said I am single because I'm deemed intimidating. Although back home, I was considered a catch, I was always deemed "hard to reach" -- because I'm smart and I earned more than my contemporaries.

Anyway, I thought being a student again would be a "leveling" factor. So I left my country and am now pursuing further studies. Nothing has changed. My dating chances remain nil.

But I never thought that the reason is that I look YOUNG. My hometeacher tells me I look 15 although I am actually one of the "older girls" in my ward (I'm 25). Only the younger guys have asked me out, if any at all. Guys my age are either married or just see me as a little girl.

I'm not fretting about it anymore though. I figured if I get married in this lifetime then that would be great. If not, there are still other things I can and should do. Marriage is not the be all and end all of everything.

Once I finish my program and still remain unmarried, I plan to go on a mission.

[MisterT]

I'm always on the lookout for the future ex-Mrs.T...

And I'm not intimidated by women who are more educated than I; I've dated physicians, surgeons, lawyers, Ph.D.'s.. And one or two waitresses.

[kayne]

im going to blame the YSA wards in general.

for starters if your a shy guy like me your simply going to have a hard time connecting with anyone where being shy isnt a common trait and guys especially will just flock to and hang all over girls. so if your shy like me finding a date can be hard and then the odds of will it work beyond casual friendship makes it rough.

also a certain pressure to be something in life. to have finished school and to be able to take care of said future wife. if your still school the prospect of marriage is off putting. as a male especially in the LDS world I am expected to be a provider that is a scarey notion especially when still going to school

back to my original first point. add this to the fact that guys must do the asking and the ones to start conversation this can put a lot of pressure on us. also the great deal number of us that have fallen into porn or past sexual relationships greatly blurs what is expected out of a real relationship. having watched endless porn in the past i can say what i expect because of that is completely out of touch with reality.

church leaders and bishops going on this guys are evil or guys need to make the first move blah blah nonsense does not help. your only pressuring and already pressured group of people. please seriously church leaders cut this crap out. this also only leads to what i swear in utah is talking to a girl means im proposing i swear it means that. doing all this while ignoring the potential fact girls arent perfect.

YSA i also like to call mating frenzies. seriously Christ gets shoved to second place here.

if your not a RM....suddenly marriage proposals for you drop. also im fully willing to admit ive made mistakes in the past this somehow turns people off. like i swear girls want that perfect RM.

also it seems here in utah where the largest concentration of LDS folk exist there is a baffling lack of understanding of what sex is. i sincerely think this is hurting it when there are people that dont know what sex is even vanilla missionary style and some dont know what oral sex is. like honestly theres a baffling level of stupidity on the subject here in utah. im not saying sex before marriage but whoever i marry better know male parts going into female parts = sex = possible child which sadly isnt common knowledge apparently. thats all im asking for at a minimal level of understanding nothing more.

really i think it comes down to all this. guys are intimidated. shy guys even more so which when it comes to dating believe me men have not the slightest clue on whether she likes me or not this mixed signal business is a killer. YSA wards being a mating frenzy, a lack of understanding what sex is and no we arent all RM and we dont all have financial indepdence yet and a lot of us are still in school. and ya know marriage is a two way thing girls can ya know start the conversations.

one thing for me is i dont have any married friends. well i have one but they didnt even get married really they are just living together. none of us were big on dating either. perhaps its the crowd of friends i grew up with who knows. but dating wasnt our big thing. not that we didnt want to we just had a hard time finding that connection

so at least for me and those that are shy like me in short YSA wards are killers. also the general utah attitude of oh know ive seen an R rated movie or I am not a RM are killers and need to stop. while i take the blame i also pass some blame onto the women that expect that perfect marriage.

so i think ive explained why non RM and shy folk struggle. and i think that probably explains why some of the rest of you cant pair up because us non up to the perfect standard cant break through the wall find our pairs to let the rest of you find your pairs easier.

in the end im not to worried about it the youngest age any of my siblings got married at 28 or so and i am almost 27. also gives me more time to completely get my head on straight though at the same time that is a never ending task.

[orrinjelo]

I could have been married by now, but the question is....would I be HAPPILY married?

[Guest]

You've probably heard the joke about the single person who got tired of hearing old people say "You're next!" at weddings, so he/she started doing the same thing at funerals.

[JudoMinja]

As this thread has gone on and on, with many people contributing why they are currently single, I thought it was interesting looking back at the initial post:

On another forum, a poster said to me (after my comment on looking for a single temple worthy priesthood holder) that I was the reason for no marriage. Here's my response to the poster:

So the reason I'm single is either 1) I'm not ready (whatever that means--realistically, who is EVER ready for marriage??), 2) I don't have enough faith or I'm not praying with faith or 3) I'm botching up God's plans.

Yep, you got me. I've never prayed about it, especially not with any real faith, and I purposely sabotage any attempts or efforts of any single guy.

Forget what the prophets have said on the subject.

Of course there are things I've done wrong or am not doing right. But to tell someone who is single that "it's all your fault" is wrong, not helpful, and actually, unkind. So, just be careful....some people may not be as forgiving as I am.

I shared this because I find this attitude by so very many people...married, single, divorced, etc.

Please, if any of you think this, then keep your thoughts to yourself. If you are a good friend to a single person and feel you have some criticisms that would help the person, then by all means share them. But do so with kindness and love.

I just have to roll my eyes at the thoughts of some people. So, when you see me, you can now know that I am unmarried solely due to my own screwed up life, lack of faith, and the thought of living/sharing with another is too much.

Most interesting about it was the BEEFCHE was the inital poster who started this thread, and beefche is now happily married to Dravin .

[Jennarator]

Her faithful prayers must have gotten better. Just kidding.

I don't know why there are so many singles, just know that there are many faithful and diligent that are not wed. I know many are very pretty and amazing women....

Edited September 19, 2011 by Jennarator

[elsbeth]

I don't see a reason to get married before 30, and I don't see a reason to blame or guilt people who wait. There is no benefit to getting married at 18, 19, 20 -- in fact, I'd argue that it makes marriage harder. Can you have a family in your late teens or early 20s and find happiness? Of course. But it's a lot easier if you're a mature person with an education, a steady job, and a good understanding of who you are and what your needs are in a relationship. It also makes it a lot easier on your children when you're not a wet-behind-the-ears 22 year-old with no college education trying to put food on the table and keep a steady job in this economy.

I've always wanted a family so I started praying fervently for a wife.

People can judge this statement however they please, but I'd just like to point out that it's possible to have a family in certain countries without having a wife.

[Guest mirancs8]

@elsbeth

You can't put a age on when one should or should not get married. There are some who get married at 19 and 30 years later are just as happy. There are those who get married at 35 and end up divorced within only a few years.

Sure there's a reason to get married before 30... procreation clock ticking. Plus you're not as likely to have as many to no fertility issues under 30.

I have a close family member who is older then I am and never been married. This person through the years has become more set in her ways and it has definately made it difficult for her to imagine getting married and having to share her life and space. As you get older and are more set in your ways it's not as easy to blend someone into your own life, time, and such.

[TStevieRob]

Being single can be tough, I am. But Ive discovered its about getting out, putting yourself out there, and being GENUINE.

[kayne]

Being single can be tough, I am. But Ive discovered its about getting out, putting yourself out there, and being GENUINE.

i question this. i see too many people hook up that then break up later over trivial issues. or people that arent genuine you know the lady's man style person whos only purpose is to fool girls into dating him and to heck with how this is accomplished.

i think its because i have little clue on how social interaction works. and even less on dating.

[Bracket]

Why is it considered not fine for LDS males to remain single, but it is considered perfectly fine for LDS females to remain single?

Former President Ezra Taft Benson stated to the Single Adult Brethren of the Church:

Remember the counsel of Elder Bruce R. McConkie that “the most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person in the right place by the right authority” (Choose an Eternal Companion, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year, Provo, 3 May 1966, p. 2).

Understand that temple marriage is essential to your salvation and exaltation.

...

May I now say an additional word about an eternal opportunity and responsibility to which I have referred earlier and which is of greatest importance to you. I am referring to celestial marriage.

Just a few weeks ago, I received a letter from two devoted parents, part of which reads as follows:

“Dear President Benson: We are concerned about what seems to be a growing problem—at least in this part of the Church familiar to us—that is, so many choice young men in the Church over the age of thirty who are still unmarried.

“We have sons thirty, thirty-one, and thirty-three in this situation. Many of our friends also are experiencing this same concern for unmarried sons and daughters.”

Their letter continues:

“In our experience these are usually young men who have been on missions, are well educated, and are living the commandments (except this most important one). There does not appear to be a lack of choice young ladies in the same age bracket who could make suitable companions.

“It is most frustrating to us, as their parents, who sometimes feel we have failed in our parental teachings and guiding responsibilities.”

My dear single adult brethren, we are also concerned. We want you to know that the position of the Church has never changed regarding the importance of celestial marriage. It is a commandment of God. The Lord’s declaration in Genesis is still true: “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen. 2:18).

To obtain a fulness of glory and exaltation in the celestial kingdom, one must enter into this holiest of ordinances.

Without marriage, the purposes of the Lord would be frustrated. Choice spirits would be withheld from the experience of mortality. And postponing marriage unduly often means limiting your posterity, and the time will come, brethren, when you will feel and know that loss.

I can assure you that the greatest responsibility and the greatest joys in life are centered in the family, honorable marriage, and rearing a righteous posterity. And the older you become, the less likely you are to marry, and then you may lose these eternal blessings altogether.

President Spencer W. Kimball recounted an experience he once had:

“Recently I met a young returned missionary who is 35 years old. He had been home from his mission for 14 years and yet he was little concerned about his bachelorhood, and laughed about it.

“I shall feel sorry for this young man when the day comes that he faces the Great Judge at the throne and when the Lord asks this boy: ‘Where is your wife?’ All of his excuses which he gave to his fellows on earth will seem very light and senseless when he answers the Judge. ‘I was very busy,’ or ‘I felt I should get my education first,’ or ‘I did not find the right girl’—such answers will be hollow and of little avail. He knew he was commanded to find a wife and marry her and make her happy. He knew it was his duty to become the father of children and provide a rich, full life for them as they grew up. He knew all this, yet postponed his responsibility” (Ensign, Feb. 1975, p. 2).

I realize that some of you brethren may have genuine fears regarding the real responsibilities that will be yours if you do marry. You are concerned about being able to support a wife and family and provide them with the necessities in these uncertain economic times. Those fears must be replaced with faith.

I assure you, brethren, that if you will be industrious, faithfully pay your tithes and offerings, and conscientiously keep the commandments, the Lord will sustain you. Yes, there will be sacrifices required, but you will grow from these and will be a better man for having met them.

Former President Ezra Taft Benson stated to the Single Adult Sisters of the Church:

I also recognize that not all women in the Church will have an opportunity for marriage and motherhood in mortality. But if those of you in this situation are worthy and endure faithfully, you can be assured of all blessings from a kind and loving Heavenly Father—and I emphasize all blessings.

I assure you that if you have to wait even until the next life to be blessed with a choice companion, God will surely compensate you. Time is numbered only to man. God has your eternal perspective in mind.

However, there are also quite a few men who are not able to get married in this lifetime. This may be due to mental illness, mental handicap, being very shy or being very ugly. Are these kinds of men really welcome to stay within the Church?

[Dravin]

Why is it considered not fine for LDS males to remain single, but it is considered perfectly fine for LDS females to remain single?

I'm not sure I agree with that summation. To reach it, at least based on your quotes, requires the ignoring of a certain amount of context. The first quote is talking about individuals who through their choices are not pursuing marriage and who, presumably, have no bar to doing so. The hypothetical excuses given by the man at the bar are not, "I was horribly crippled in an accident and no woman would go out with me or accept a proposal." or "I was born with trisomy-21." but presumably being overly picky (or flippant, could go either way), or putting other priorities ahead of it. Now note the comment to sisters, it's talking about those who did not have an opportunity in this life to get married. Not those who decided that education was more important, or that they were too busy to get married, are 'off the hook'. The comments are directed at different situations even if superficially they both share the element of unmarried adults in the Church.

Also, I'm gonna quote Elder Oaks here:

If you feel you are a special case, so that the strong counsel I have given doesn’t apply to you, please don’t write me a letter. Why would I make this request? I have learned that the kind of direct counsel I have given results in a large number of letters from members who feel they are an exception, and they want me to confirm that the things I have said just don’t apply to them in their special circumstance.

I will explain why I can’t offer much comfort in response to that kind of letter by telling you an experience I had with another person who was troubled by a general rule. I gave a talk in which I mentioned the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” (Ex. 20:13). Afterward a man came up to me in tears saying that what I had said showed there was no hope for him. “What do you mean?” I asked him.

He explained that he had been a machine gunner during the Korean War. During a frontal assault, his machine gun mowed down scores of enemy infantry. Their bodies were piled so high in front of his gun that he and his men had to push them away in order to maintain their field of fire. He had killed a hundred, he said, and now he must be going to hell because I had spoken of the Lord’s commandment “Thou shalt not kill.”

The explanation I gave that man is the same explanation I give to you if you feel you are an exception to what I have said. As a General Authority, I have the responsibility to preach general principles. When I do, I don’t try to define all the exceptions. There are exceptions to some rules. For example, we believe the commandment is not violated by killing pursuant to a lawful order in an armed conflict. But don’t ask me to give an opinion on your exception. I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord.

Link: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

General authorities give general advice and counsel.

However, there are also quite a few men who are not able to get married in this lifetime.

If such is truly the case I expect them to be in the same boat as sisters who are not able to get married in this lifetime.

Are these kinds of men really welcome to stay within the Church?

This probably isn't the question you mean to ask. Keep in mind if you aren't welcome to stay within the Church they go about excommunicating you. Even the hypothetical man President Benson was decrying wouldn't have been excommunicated.

Edited January 26, 2012 by Dravin

[kayne]

I'm not sure I agree with that summation. To reach it, at least based on your quotes, requires the ignoring of a certain amount of context. The first quote is talking about individuals who through their choices are not pursuing marriage and who, presumably, have no bar to doing so. The hypothetical excuses given by the man at the bar are not, "I was horribly crippled in an accident and no woman would go out with me or accept a proposal." or "I was born with trisomy-21." but presumably being overly picky (or flippant, could go either way), or putting other priorities ahead of it. Now note the comment to sisters, it's talking about those who did not have an opportunity in this life to get married. Not those who decided that education was more important, or that they were too busy to get married, are 'off the hook'. The comments are directed at different situations even if superficially they both share the element of unmarried adults in the Church.

the point i believe that was trying to be made was if a girl fails to get married she is ok. if a guy fails to get married he better have one heck of a super awesome excuse and even then it could be a long shot in the dark.

just visit a singles ward. the elders quorum lessons have a very high chance of doing what i call defaulting the lesson. in other words they default with ease to this GO GET MARRIED NOW mentality. the bishops push it too. utah has an odd culture of being married within a month of dating. and there is just this general go get married or you are screwed attitude.

look i get it marriage = important. but the amount of pressure is downright absurd.

do the girls get this pressure? no not really. its almost always guys go find a girl and sucker her into marrying you. and i dont find this fair at all. also it seems women by church leaders are almost always put on some epic pedastal and guys are always thrown down. it really is beyond absurd its like girls cannot screw up but guys dont stop screwing up.

i believe this is what he was referring to and i agree. its unfair and it needs to stop. but perhaps i am wrong. perhaps the church leaders are receiving dreams that are saying the vast majority of LDS women are extremely holy and the vast majority of LDS men are not. but if that is the case one of them needs to come out and say that as i am tired of always getting thrown down.

and on marriage nothing is ever said on dating. i am not the only guy that doesnt know how to date really or what is expected. im not the only guy that female interaction has been nerfed greatly by years of porn. even though its not a problem anymore damage was done. and since so many LDS are in utah the concept of dating in utah is entirely different than everywhere else yet this stuff is never addressed and we are merely told go snag a wife with little direction on this is supposed to work when the media and the world and church all send three different meanings on how to do this and as a guy it is just downright confusing.

[Dravin]

the point i believe that was trying to be made was if a girl fails to get married she is ok. if a guy fails to get married he better have one heck of a super awesome excuse and even then it could be a long shot in the dark.

Anyone who puts off or otherwise undervalues the importance of marriage is going to be brought up short in the next life. Once again context is being ignored. Show me where the women are told in the context of putting education ahead of marriage, or that having unrealistic expectations, that it's all honky dory for them.

just visit a singles ward.

Singles wards are peculiar units but they are also minority units. Going to a single ward and then talking about 'the Church' as a whole is flawed. And yes they do stress marriage, but what do you expect? Of course they stress marriage more highly than a ward where the vast majority of (eligible) people are already married, Elder's Quorums don't stress the duties of Priests either, they stress the duties and responsibilities of Elders.

Attendance at a single's ward is not mandatory, if you dislike the direction and focus of single's wards than don't go to them.

do the girls get this pressure? no not really. its almost always guys go find a girl and sucker her into marrying you. and i dont find this fair at all. also it seems women by church leaders are almost always put on some epic pedastal and guys are always thrown down. it really is beyond absurd its like girls cannot screw up but guys dont stop screwing up.

Rightly or wrongly in many cultures people talk to, and teach, women different than men. The idea that men can handle a straight talking to while women are more sensitive to harsh language is out there. This is more of that context I was talking about. You're basically insisting that different situations and the different sexes be treated identically in how they are addressed, and while I can see the case for the latter I don't see it for the former.

Oh and my wife has heard the woman spoken to about having unrealistic expectations or misplaced priorities as it concerns marriage. Men aren't the only ones getting a lesson in the importance of marriage and how they need to pursue it.

and since so many LDS are in utah the concept of dating in utah is entirely different than everywhere else yet this stuff is never addressed and we are merely told go snag a wife with little direction on this is supposed to work when the media and the world and church all send three different meanings on how to do this and as a guy it is just downright confusing.

I just linked to a talk that discussed dating and what it is. This rather cuts the legs out of any complaint founded in never. If you want a crash course on the local culture then it needs to happen at the local level. A lesson on 'proper' social interaction is going to vary if it is directed at Kenyans or Americans.

And because I know that you are seeking feedback on social interaction in another thread I'm gonna make this comment: You are bitter and it shows (if in fact you aren't bitter you come across as being such and the following still applies). Bitter people get avoided as they suck all the positive energy out of a room and flood it with negative energy. If the slightest trace of what comes through in your posts above comes through in your face to face interactions with people it is going to be sabotaging your development of relationships with those who don't share your particular bitterness.

Edited January 26, 2012 by Dravin

[JudoMinja]

the point i believe that was trying to be made was if a girl fails to get married she is ok. if a guy fails to get married he better have one heck of a super awesome excuse and even then it could be a long shot in the dark.

just visit a singles ward. the elders quorum lessons have a very high chance of doing what i call defaulting the lesson. in other words they default with ease to this GO GET MARRIED NOW mentality. the bishops push it too. utah has an odd culture of being married within a month of dating. and there is just this general go get married or you are screwed attitude.

look i get it marriage = important. but the amount of pressure is downright absurd.

do the girls get this pressure? no not really. its almost always guys go find a girl and sucker her into marrying you. and i dont find this fair at all. also it seems women by church leaders are almost always put on some epic pedastal and guys are always thrown down. it really is beyond absurd its like girls cannot screw up but guys dont stop screwing up.

i believe this is what he was referring to and i agree. its unfair and it needs to stop. but perhaps i am wrong. perhaps the church leaders are receiving dreams that are saying the vast majority of LDS women are extremely holy and the vast majority of LDS men are not. but if that is the case one of them needs to come out and say that as i am tired of always getting thrown down.

and on marriage nothing is ever said on dating. i am not the only guy that doesnt know how to date really or what is expected. im not the only guy that female interaction has been nerfed greatly by years of porn. even though its not a problem anymore damage was done. and since so many LDS are in utah the concept of dating in utah is entirely different than everywhere else yet this stuff is never addressed and we are merely told go snag a wife with little direction on this is supposed to work when the media and the world and church all send three different meanings on how to do this and as a guy it is just downright confusing.

I want to say a little bit about the two different problems you're identifying here- 1 being the turning of every lesson into a push for marriage, and 2 being the unequal treatment between men and women.

1- Turning every lesson into a push for marriage:

I have seen this as well, but find that this is more a problem with some individuals than it is a prevalent problem throughout all church leadership. There was one particular senior missionary couple who taught an institute class that turned everything into marriage, marriage, marriage- dating, dating, dating- and even worked on playing matchmaker with everyone who attended the class. I was very put off by it and stopped going to institute, because I felt that it was doing me more harm emotionally than it was doing me good spiritually. I got more out of studying the institute lessons on my own than I did out of going to their class.

When the couple changed, though, I went back to institute to test the new teachers out, and it was like stepping into a whole new world. This new couple did an excellent job of teaching the lessons and facilitating discussion, and I really felt the spirit there every Wednesday. I was even bringing my at-the-time one-year-old son with me when I couldn't get a babysitter, and it was no problem at all.

I think that an extra emphasis on marriage with those who are single and of marriageable age is a good and natural thing- It's a focus on where we are at in life right now and a good chance to get advice, feedback, and ideas. But when it is overemphasized and taken to an extreme it becomes problematic. Some members do this, others don't. I just avoid those who are pushy about it and focus on moving at my own pace.

2- The unequal treatment of men and women:

I had one bishop in particular who did exactly what you described, and he was completely open about doing it too. He put women on a pedestal, told us that he thought we were more "holy" and more "spiritually in-tune" than the men and that we "could do no wrong". I thought it was very wrong of him to do this, but he is the only one I've ever seen in a leadership position in the church to make this distinction.

I've moved around my whole life. I've been to many different wards, and for me to have only had one bishop who did this... means the problem isn't as prevalent as you think. For the most part, I -as a woman- have received the same pressures as you. There may be a bit of a separation in that men are the Priesthood holders and considered to be the "family head", so there is a bit more responsibility on your shoulders, but I have many many times been in church meetings where I have been pressured about getting married and/or being prepared for motherhood and being a good wife, etc.

Now to get to the heart of the matter:

There is a clear and obvious trend throughout the world that the average age people get married is going up. In 1981, the average age a woman would marry was 23, for men 25. That age has climbed and in 2009 it was 30 for women and 32 for men. You can read about it here.

Marriage and raising a family is a very important part of our lives, and we need to prioritize properly. There are many many reasons why people remain single, some of them valid and some of them not so much, but the fact of the matter is that people around the world are getting married at a later and later date. Of course our church leaders are concerned about this! Of course they want to address it! And of course they want to remind us of the importance of getting married, want to encourage us to make sure our priorities are straight and that we aren't missing out on the opportunity to marry for the wrong reasons.

Our church is the only church, as far as I know, that places such important emphasis on marriage, and it is because we believe that marriage is continued in the eternities and that it is a requirement for the celestial kingdom. So, there is certainly going to be some added pressure, and there are going to be some individuals who take it to the extreme.

It is up to you though to "own" your current status in life. You need to examine your priorities in life and determine whether or not your reasons for being unmarried are good ones, and be sure that you are doing everything you can on your end to be ready for and pursue a marriage. The pressure would not bother you so much if you were comfortable with yourself and gained a sense of ownership for your situation and your responsibilities.

The same goes for peer-pressure in any other situation. If you are comfortable with who you are, the decisions you have made, and the direction you are going- you won't bow into pressure others put on you. Too much sensitivity into that pressure is a sign that you are still "discovering" yourself and relying too much on outside influences to determine what is right and wrong for you.