You're single because....


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Not single yet, but when I am it will be because I got divorced. :P

As I will soon be on the single "prowl" again, I've been giving this some thought. I've seen many complaints from other single girls I know in the church, more specifically a couple of my friends that are single mothers as I am soon to be. They both claim that there are slim pickings, yet I rarely see either of them at institute. One of them, drives three hours to attend the nearest singles ward on Sundays so she can do her "shopping" in an area where guys do not know she already has a kid. She then wonders how she is to approach this topic when she finds someone to date. The other, traveled five hours to a district-wide singles dance within weeks of her divorce being final.

While I admire them for their gung-ho attitudes in looking for a husband, I think they approach it from the wrong angle. Many women and men are still fairly immature at this young single adult age, but I do not think that this should be a barrier. Of course, marrying someone who will do nothing but play video games all day or spend all their time shopping and gossiping isn't really the best idea, but I think of maturity as a scale on which we are always climbing or sliding. You just need to find someone who is at about the same level as you and climbing upward on the scale.

I also do not believe that there is "the one" for anyone. There is no singular person out there in the world somewhere that we were meant to meet and marry. We can't be setting our expectations too high. Many people really are too picky and they use "I won't settle" as an excuse to be picky. Someone else posted something about this on here and I agree with them. Any expectation you set, you should be able to attain for yourself. You are never going to find someone who is a perfect fit, but you can find someone who will fit with a little margin for error.

As long as your expectations are reasonable, you should never feel that you have to settle. Sometimes personalities clash and you will have no better excuse for saying no than I just don't want to marry you. Remember, that the person you end up choosing is the person you will spend all of eternity with. While I would love to marry quickly once my divorce is final so that my son doesn't have to go without a father and I can take care of him instead of working, I'm not going to let that make me feel rushed. I won't settle for someone with whom I would feel unhappy.

There is also always the possibility that the person we end up marrying for eternity is someone we already know. Maybe, it would not have worked out with this person if you had married sooner. Maybe you both needed to progress in life on your own for a time before you were ready to progress together. I remember a talk from Elder Bednar where he said he had been turned down by his wife many times, and he had gone off to pursue his career. When he saw her again, she commented on how he had matured, and he seized his opportunity, soon marrying her.

So, if I end up remaining single for years to come, it won't be because I'm too picky. It won't be because I don't want to be married. It won't be because my time and focus is entangled in other pursuits. It will be because I have not yet found a man who meets my high but reasonable expectations who feels that I meet his.

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One of them, drives three hours to attend the nearest singles ward on Sundays so she can do her "shopping" in an area where guys do not know she already has a kid. She then wonders how she is to approach this topic when she finds someone to date.

I recommend:

"On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel about the whole insta-Dad concept?"

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There is a woman in my home ward who is now in the middle of a divorce. Her and her husband married in the temple and BOTH received a confirmation that they should marry. 14 years and 2 children later, he left her and the children for another woman.

I don't believe that there is "the one" person who is right for you. They both married because they felt that it was right, but they both still had the choice to keep or not keep their covenants. She did, her husband did not. Did God see this? Yes. Was God responsible? No. We all have our agency to do the things that are right, and similarly, the things that are wrong.

On a side note (and completely in my opinion), I don't think God sees time the way we do. I personally think he sees every possible outcome that could befall us. (Most of) our brains think time as linear, but I'm not quite sure that it really is linear. In the case of this woman and her husband, I think the Lord could see them living together for eternity, divorced, not married, one of them passing away, and everything in between.

Pray to the Lord about your situation, whatever it may be. If you feel that you shouldn't move away from family and the Lord confirms this, then by all means stay. If the Lord prompts you to receive a masters degree, go get it! If he wants you to serve a mission, go serve! Trust in the Lord with all thine heart. He knows what is best (and worst) for you and will lead you to become what He knows you can be. Listen to his guidance, the worst that can happen is that you learn something important from it. :)

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  • 1 month later...

I'm single I think because I'm the only person my age that's a member. I live in an eastern state and everyone else here goes to BYU or a Utah school. I wish that I could afford to go to BYU, but I still have a year left before I transfer to a university.

You don't need to go to the Y!

Go to your church. Walk up to a YSA and say, "I am cute. Take me on a date on Friday, or I am going to tell everyone you aren't a man."

And when you do, video tape it and put it up here. It will simultaneously make me laugh and get a nice LDS boy to take you out. ;)

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Wasn't gonna come out about this on this forum but I feel compelled to tell you my story.

I was an active homosexual for many years but thankfully found the error in my ways, left the gay lifestyle, and started going back to church. I've always wanted a family so I started praying fervently for a wife.

I knew this woman I will call "Carrie" who was freinds with my mom and who's kids I'd babysit when my mom and her were playing pool. One day; out of the clear blue sky, "Carrie" came over to my house and basically begged me to love her (looking back now it seems so weird but at the time I was just flabbergasted). My emediate reaction in my mind was "Wow how are you going to get out of this one", I was not attacted to her ( twelve years my senior and, as far as I knew then "ex" methamphetamine user). But, at the time, I was an extreme pushover and sadi that I'd consider it. I started dating her so I could get to know her, all the while praying for guidance. I got the idea in my head that God have "given me a gift" and I'd be ungrateful if I turned that "gift" away. Then her kids started calling me Daddy so I felt OBLIGATED to marry her.

I won't go to far into the details of our marriage, but suffice it to say we were both WRONG for settling. I wasn't ready and was still addicted to gay porn. She wasn't ready and was still addicted to meth. She'd go off on a meth binge for a week straight with the kids. I wasn't inerested in her enough to make her feel loved. We sepperated after only a month of marriage.

In my shame I stopped going to church and dove deeper into my pornography addiction.

Three years has gone by. We haven't gotten a divorce because we literally didn't talk to each other for that whole time. She recently wrote a letter expressing her sorrow about " what she did to me and my family" but honestly I blame mostly myself.

My point I'm trying to make is now instead of worrying about getting married before it's too late i am trying to better myself so I can be worthy for my ideal mate. I hope wherever she is she can be patient for me.

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I'm positive you are capable to rid yourself of these feelings. You will have to put all of your effort into it and with the help of the Spirit miracles happen. I have read more then one success story overcoming such things. We all have different weakness's that need to be purged out.

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Believe it or not this forum and another like it have been very edifying for me and I'm planning on returning to church this week. Of course I was planning on returning to church last week and failed but I won't give up. Thanks for your post and your vote of confidence. Also your prayers couldn't hurt ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

One guy invited my daughter out to dinner, she went to a medium priced place, he told her to pick the place. When they got there he ordered water, she ordered a soda, he asked her what she liked on the menu, when she told him he said, oh good we can share it. She told him, "you know I work I can pay for my own meal." He still shared it with her and she paid half. Here she is a single mom, he asks her out on a date and she has to pay half. Loser.

Ben Raines

This makes me think of a funny thing that happened to me once. I worked up the courage to ask this HOT HOT HOT older woman on a date. Let me induldge a little.. 6'1'' well built, long blonde hair half way down her back, and judging by her dress-doing ok in the $$ department.... SO, we go see a movie and plan on dinner after. *yes yes a vanilla date but I was not in my own city*

We meet and get to the ticket counter and LO MY CARD IS DENIED!! Ok, we're talking $16 here... and I jokingly turn to her and say, "guess its your treat" Before I could even tell her I was kidding she gets all puffy and pulls a $20 out, gets the tickets and stomps ahead of me to the theater. I was in shock. We watched the movie with very little small talk. I did my best to get things on a lighter note during the previews.... and one point I asked if I could hold her hand and she said I could.... well, ever hold hands with a statue? They dont hold your hand back and that is how it was. SO after movie we're walking out and THANK GOODNESS we came in our own cars because I was done.

I told her she was the most beautiful woman I'd been on a date with and that I was glad we had been able to meet. I then handed her a $50 bill from my wallet and told her that lack of money wasnt the reason my card was denied and told her that her next date was on me. She turned white, started to say something but I just gave her a quick peck on the lips to stop her and told her goodnight.

I was really bumbed on the way home because I was really attracted to her. But she had high maintnance written all over her. :lol:

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I'm the type of person who likes to have a lot of free time/alone time. A big part of that is that I'm an only child so I got used to occupying myself. Even with friends I rarely hangout with them for more than a day.

That is one reason why I'm single. Another is I want to be more set in my life (have a good job, know what my plans for the future are, etc.) before trying to commit to someone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am single since I never married. ;)

I am one of those poor guys who gets sucked into the whole "nice guys finish last" and most girls meet me and become friends, nothing more. :rolleyes:

Though Right now I am trying to get my head around the whole "Not only are you going to be married for life, your going to be married for enternity" mode. :lol:

I have a lot of good features, real job (which is a blessing in this economy) faith, live the words of wisdom, but I am also 50 lbs or so overwight, and the reality is that I need to work on that or I really cannot say anything bad about me being single. That, and I go to a small branch, and all the girls are friends, and thus I will have ONE chance to date one of the girls i nthe local branch, otherwise I will be turned down as "you dated X, and she my friend and I couldn't do that" :P

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Whenever I hear that phrase, it automatically translates to "SETTLE"...'so what if they are not who you would like to spend the rest of your life with, you should settle for what you can get!'

NOT!!! I would rather spend all the days of my life single, than to "settle"...

I would never settle, knowing that No One is Perfect, for I am far from it. I stil wouldnt settle, better to be single then divorced....
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I think some people might have reasons THEY OWN for not being available for dating. We all have a personal responsibility to make ourselves the best we can. And that goes for physically, as well and making us as presentable as we can. We also need to work on ourselves and our talents.

Honestly I DO NOT give in to the idea (people say this about older people who arent married yet): THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.

If that were true then there would be NO WEIRD married people. I know so many odd ball couples, nerdy types, WHATEVER IT MAY BE. Those two people found eachother. I think thats all it takes. Luck has a lot to do with it.

I think the reason people dont get married is because they just havent found that puzzle piece that fits them. I believe there are a lot of people who can 'fit' into that puzzle piece but someone just hasnt come along yet.

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  • 2 months later...

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