Discrimination for having not served a mission

[anotherbrick]

So I am 23, and was not able to serve a mission, because I have high functioning asperger's syndrome, and they wouldn't let me go.

I have the desire to date and get married. There's only one problem. Many LDS women do not date young men if they haven't gone a mission.

I'm having a hard time understanding why I continue to face discrimination in a Church that is the "Only True Church", after having been discriminated against growing up.

Right now, I plan on marrying somebody who is not a member of the Church, because, well, they wouldn't refuse to date me solely for not serving a mission.

From an indifferent standpoint, I find it sad that somebody who has had a very difficult time growing up with a condition they cannot control continues to face discrimination in what should be an unconditional loving Institution.

I do not mean to attack the Church in anyway. I am simply tired of feeling so out of place. This being the case, my faith in the Church has decreased greatly.

So I'm hoping that by posting here, some of you will be able to enlighten me on how I can approach things differently, acknowledge the errors of my thinking, and / or explain to me how I can possibly continue being a part of this Church and having asperger's syndrome.

So far, I have thought of nothing. The only solution I have come up with is remaining somewhat detached socially in the Church, while being a member, and dating non members.

[a-train]

Look bro, the girls of the world ain't nothin' but trouble.

-a-train

[goofball]

I have two friends that joined the church at 19 and neither of them served missions. They did not feel it was right for them. They both were in similar situations as you in terms of discrimination. However they persisted and were able to find great LDS girls, married in the temple and have great lives.

One of those guys I mention is currently serving in the Bishopric at age 29 in Southern California. I mention this because it can work for you. Perhaps this is a trial for you that you have to endure before the blessings come.

[BenRaines]

I have heard of the discrimination but not seen it. It may be a question that a young woman might as but I have seen enough missionaries, while serving myself, that aren't worth the space they take up. I have seen plenty that are RMs that all they did was waste two years of their life and their parent's money.

I have seen a fair number of them come home and within months they are no longer active in the church.

I raised three daughters. All they looked for were worthy priesthood holders who honored their convenants, held a temple recommend or could get one and would marry them in the temple. Even that is not a guarantee.

I do not know how asperger's manifests itself. Is it obvious that you have a condition?

I am one who always sees the glass half full instead of half empty. If you have already fallen in love with a non LDS girl not sure what our advice can help you with.

Good luck with this thread.

Ben Raines

[MarginOfError]

If she doesn't understand that the temple recommend in your pocket is a more accurate gauge of your character than your missionary service (or lack thereof), then she probably isn't of much interest anyway.

[skylercollins]

I'm sorry to hear that they are discriminating against you. Would you consider dating/marrying a girl that is not LDS? If not, then you are engaged in discrimination as well.

My point is that discrimination is a part of life and everyone does it, everyday. Perhaps you could focus on improving other parts of your "resume". After all, it could just be an excuse you're hearing because of shortcomings in other areas.

[a-train]

Shoot, I SERVED a mission and couldn't get an LDS girl. I had to import one from the Presbyterian Church.

-a-train

[NeuroTypical]

I have the desire to date and get married. There's only one problem. Many LDS women do not date young men if they haven't gone a mission.

So I'm hoping that by posting here, some of you will be able to enlighten me on how I can approach things differently, acknowledge the errors of my thinking, and / or explain to me how I can possibly continue being a part of this Church and having asperger's syndrome.

I can enlighten you on how to change your behavior. The next time you ask an LDS girl on a date, and she refuses because you didn't go on a mission, here's what you do: Fall on your knees, face the sky, and shout "thank you God for showing me right upfront that this girl has a problem with unrighteous judgement and isn't ready to date seriously!"

LM

(I didn't go on a mission because I was an inactive slackerboy. We'll be married 12 years in Feb.)

[YoungMormonRoyalist]

My dad joined when he was 14, mostly because of his parents. He never went on a mission and only became active again cus the hottie in the cubicle with him happened to be an RM (It feels weird calling mom 'Hottie')

[Wingnut]

Look bro, the girls of the world ain't nothin' but trouble.

-a-train

Dude, I'm one of the "girls of the world" and I have nothing to say to this but "Amen, bro!" (at least in this scenario)

I'm sorry to hear that they are discriminating against you. Would you consider dating/marrying a girl that is not LDS? If not, then you are engaged in discrimination as well.

How does that make him discriminating? If no one he asks will marry him, or no one he dates lets him get to the point of asking, then who else is he to ask? It's not discrimination.

I can enlighten you on how to change your behavior. The next time you ask an LDS girl on a date, and she refuses because you didn't go on a mission, here's what you do: Fall on your knees, face the sky, and shout "thank you God for showing me right upfront that this girl has a problem with unrighteous judgement and isn't ready to date seriously!"

LM

(I didn't go on a mission because I was an inactive slackerboy. We'll be married 12 years in Feb.)

While that might be funny to onlookers, I seriously doubt it would help his reputation and future propsects.

[FunkyTown]

So I am 23, and was not able to serve a mission, because I have high functioning asperger's syndrome, and they wouldn't let me go.

I have the desire to date and get married. There's only one problem. Many LDS women do not date young men if they haven't gone a mission.

I'm having a hard time understanding why I continue to face discrimination in a Church that is the "Only True Church", after having been discriminated against growing up.

Right now, I plan on marrying somebody who is not a member of the Church, because, well, they wouldn't refuse to date me solely for not serving a mission.

From an indifferent standpoint, I find it sad that somebody who has had a very difficult time growing up with a condition they cannot control continues to face discrimination in what should be an unconditional loving Institution.

I do not mean to attack the Church in anyway. I am simply tired of feeling so out of place. This being the case, my faith in the Church has decreased greatly.

So I'm hoping that by posting here, some of you will be able to enlighten me on how I can approach things differently, acknowledge the errors of my thinking, and / or explain to me how I can possibly continue being a part of this Church and having asperger's syndrome.

So far, I have thought of nothing. The only solution I have come up with is remaining somewhat detached socially in the Church, while being a member, and dating non members.

Brick? I didn't go on a mission and I can -promise- you that there are girls out there who don't care. Most of them, in fact. I have a current temple recommend, I fill my calilng as an employment specialist and I do my best to make sure everyone is welcome at church.

I joke around a lot and sometimes, I can get a bit too passionate about politics, but I will always try to reach out to someone genuinely in need. There are certain things that I can promise you about dating:

1) Bitterness and desperation is the cologne of lonely men - People are very intuitive. If you're bitter, you don't make them feel good. If they don't feel good, they don't like you - At least not romantically. The bitter and desperate become consigned to loneliness, not by the fault of others, but by themselves.

2) Apathy is antipathy - Those are just fancy words for 'If you don't care where your life is going, some women will be repulsed by you'. If you don't have opinions, even more women will be turned off by you. Care about something, anything, and you are more likely to find someone who cares about you.

3) Peacocking ain't just for girls - Seriously. Clean under your fingernails, care about what you wear. Don't just slap on the first thing in your closet. It's fun to dress to impress and girls? They want to be impressed.

There are a lot of permutations of those rules, but basically they're the big ones. And just remember: If -you- don't think not going on a mission is a big deal, -they- won't think it's a big deal.

[Wingnut]

Brick? I didn't go on a mission and I can -promise- you that there are girls out there who don't care. Most of them, in fact. I have a current temple recommend, I fill my calilng as an employment specialist and I do my best to make sure everyone is welcome at church.

Funky, I'd date you if I wasn't already married.

3) Peacocking ain't just for girls - Seriously. Clean under your fingernails, care about what you wear. Don't just slap on the first thing in your closet. It's fun to dress to impress and girls? They want to be impressed.

Isn't is strange that in the human species the female tends to be the more deliberately showy one? Most of the animal kingdom is the other way around, isn't it?

[lilered]

I personally have never witnessed this type of discrimination however I don't doubt it exists. My guess is that this must be happening in and around SLC valley. Most of the LDS young women that I have associated with throughout the years are not that shallow and would be more interested as a member you honor your Priesthood, attend your meetings, and how you treat and honor women. My advise would be to keep on looking, I know there are wonderful LDS girls who want to meet the right guy whether or not he is a return missionary.

[anotherbrick]

Thanks for the understanding. Yeah, it really is more their issue than mine, and if they don't understand, then why would I want to marry them anyway? Good point. :)

[LolaBella]

brick, I have seen this happen. Its outrageous! All I can say is just make sure that you are the kind of person that is so much fun to be around and that makes people feel good about themselves, so that if you get to a dating situation a mission becomes unimportant. Try not to be bitter, but I know thats easier said than done, I really feel your frustration.

[hordak]

Maybe not helpful but an observation.

You mention dating a nonmember twice in you post as if it is a big deal to date outside the church. I imagine you were taught it is best to date members by the same leaders who taught others it's best to date return Missionaries.(which is your complaint.)

Date people who have similar goals, values and don't "discriminate" based on membership or your just as "bad" as them.

[FunkyTown]

Maybe not helpful but an observation.

You mention dating a nonmember twice in you post as if it is a big deal to date outside the church. I imagine you were taught it is best to date members by the same leaders who taught others it's best to date return Missionaries.(which is your complaint.)

Date people who have similar goals, values and don't "discriminate" based on membership or your just as "bad" as them.

You marry who you date.

Only date members.

[Elgama]

OK I gonna be unpopular on this thread lol I have no issue with men who have not gone on a mission, however when I became ill and discovered I could not go then it became an issue for me, I felt it was important that one parent had been on a mission and that the spirit from that was in our home. For me anyway it was important one of us had been didn't matter which one. But I would only date an RM, because I could not be one if that makes sense? plus he had to have other qualities.

However if I wasn't already married might make an exception for FunkyTown lol so I would take his advice/

-Charley

[MarginOfError]

You marry who you date.

Only date members.

I want to do some more specifics on that, actually.

It might be more accurate to say, "you marry who you court." So I would recommend not courting anyone who doesn't fit the profile of who you would like to marry (and yes, selecting a spouse is very much a discriminating process). So while it is entirely appropriate to go on dates with women of other faiths (or no faith at all), if you want to marry a person of a certain religion, it's best to restrict your courtships to people of that religion.

That being said, the colloquial use of the term 'dating' is often synonymous with 'courting.' So just make sure you know which you really mean, regardless of which term you use.

See Elder Oak's talk The Dedication of A Lifetime (CES Broadcast, May 2005) for more about friendship, dating, and courtship.

[hordak]

You marry who you date.

Only date members.

What's wrong with marring a *gasp* non member?

I would bet many people you know at church were at one time non members.

You probably even know good people who still are non members.

To the original poster.

If you only want to marry a member then only date members if that is your prerequisite but don't get upset at people who wont date you because you don't meet their prerequisite of being a return missionary.

It would be like the women who get upset at the guy who refuses to date overweight women while they themselves only date tall men.

[FunkyTown]

What's wrong with marring a *gasp* non member?

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said: “Your chances for a happy and lasting marriage will be far greater if you will date those who are active and faithful in the Church” (Ensign, Nov. 1981, 41).

Hmm... Hordak's right... President Hinckley. Hordak's right... President Hinckley.

Y'know? I'm gonna go with President Hinckley on this one.

[Elgama]

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said: “Your chances for a happy and lasting marriage will be far greater if you will date those who are active and faithful in the Church” (Ensign, Nov. 1981, 41).

Hmm... Hordak's right... President Hinckley. Hordak's right... President Hinckley.

Y'know? I'm gonna go with President Hinckley on this one.

LOL I agree plus you have to keep a huge part of you almost secret from your partner, my church membership is terribly important to me, and to not be able to talk to my husband about the temple or go with him, would feel like having an affair to me.

-Charley

[hordak]

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said: “Your chances for a happy and lasting marriage will be far greater if you will date those who are active and faithful in the Church” (Ensign, Nov. 1981, 41).

Hmm... Hordak's right... President Hinckley. Hordak's right... President Hinckley.

Y'know? I'm gonna go with President Hinckley on this one.

Guess it depends on how you view the Prophet. I believe he speaks for the church as a whole and not for us as individuals.Like when he says you shouldn't work on Sunday, some have to, unwed mothers should give children up for adoption, some do and the kids turn out worse, some don't and the kids turn out fine, you shouldn't watch r rated movies, Schindler list is rated r, etc. There are exceptions to every rule.

That being said I can see how marring someone of the same faith can help but their are exceptions.

[skylercollins]

How does that make him discriminating? If no one he asks will marry him, or no one he dates lets him get to the point of asking, then who else is he to ask? It's not discrimination.

If his preference is for LDS girls, then he is clearly discriminating against non-LDS girls. Discrimination is simply the act of choice.

[Hemidakota]

So I am 23, and was not able to serve a mission, because I have high functioning asperger's syndrome, and they wouldn't let me go.

I have the desire to date and get married. There's only one problem. Many LDS women do not date young men if they haven't gone a mission.

I'm having a hard time understanding why I continue to face discrimination in a Church that is the "Only True Church", after having been discriminated against growing up.

Right now, I plan on marrying somebody who is not a member of the Church, because, well, they wouldn't refuse to date me solely for not serving a mission.

From an indifferent standpoint, I find it sad that somebody who has had a very difficult time growing up with a condition they cannot control continues to face discrimination in what should be an unconditional loving Institution.

I do not mean to attack the Church in anyway. I am simply tired of feeling so out of place. This being the case, my faith in the Church has decreased greatly.

So I'm hoping that by posting here, some of you will be able to enlighten me on how I can approach things differently, acknowledge the errors of my thinking, and / or explain to me how I can possibly continue being a part of this Church and having asperger's syndrome.

So far, I have thought of nothing. The only solution I have come up with is remaining somewhat detached socially in the Church, while being a member, and dating non members.

I won't begin to you tell you how many GAs have not serve a mission. Even President Monson did not serve a mission. However, do not feel bad. Those sisters are the one you do not want to marry in the first place. I noticed this also when I first attended a BYU dance. Later when I looked back, at some of those who I knew, a few regretted there mistake. Agh...too bad.

Move on and find a partner who is not filled with envy, swollen in pride, someone you can count on for a eternal life.