Investigator problems


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Greetings all, I have been investigating the LDS church for the last 6 months. recently my estranged wife has moved back in with me and our son. This is all good as I prayed alot for the healing of my family, but my wife is totally against the LDS church and me getting together with the missionaries. Since we have been trying to save our marriage I haven't been overly confrontational with her on this subject so as not to start another argument. Since I stopped meeting with the missionaries I have been finding myself very confused on what to do next with my faith. I was attempting to be baptized in the LDS church but had to cancel it and I feel ashamed for letting the missionaries down and I feel very much a flake now.

Any advice or comment will be highly appreciated.


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I would be cautious, if you are able to, find out why your wife objects so strongly to the Church. There may be misconceptions that she has that can be resolved. As I can't think of a better way to put it: Consider that there may be religious bigotry at play here.

I am happy that you are able to start working out your Marriage. If you cannot directly meet with the Missionaries, and, even if you can, remember to do a few things. Read the Book of Mormon daily. If your wife is religious in any way, read the Bible with her. Study together, and study apart. Pray together, and pray apart.

I've only been married 7 years, so I can't offer any advice of the same calibre that others on here can, but reconciliation is give and take. You will need to give up things for her, but she must also do the same. Marriage cannot be a one way street. If there is to be a proper, lasting reconciliation, by my estimation, both you and your wife will need to acknowledge your own parts in the cause of the estrangement. You may want to try to find an independent Marriage councillor, as I don't know how well received an LDS Professional would be accepted by your wife.

If I have given any outrightly bad advice, someone else please correct me.

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(Alma 37:6-7.)

6 Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

7 And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.

Always remember small things can do great things. Start small with your wife. It might even be reading some of the book of mormon together. It might even be sharing some of the scriptures that you found that you liked in the book of mormon with here.

Next would be to see if she would allow you to go to church again. This well a tough subject mostly because of your kid. You can invite her to come, but tell her how much you enjoy it (I assume you were going to church before).

After these things get settled try to find the next small thing you can do to help bridge that gap. It might be just having the missionaires over to read scriptures (no lesson) it might even be just having the Missionaries over for dinner (and no scriptures). (believe me Missionaires like to each).

I agree with what gabelpa said, there probably is something deeper that is bothering your wife, it might be something big, or small even down to something like tithing. Getting to the root of the problem is probably better for both of you, at least so everything is out in the open.

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Glenn, First of all you are in no way a flake. In the Lords church family ALWAYS comes first and you are trying to keep yours together. If you have to be "away" from the church for a while for the sake of your it. Remember, you can be away from the physical aspects of the church and draw nearer to the spiritual aspects by, as gabelpa mentioned, reading your scriptures (studying the Gospel) and praying. Just don't give up and don't lose your testimony, be an example to your family. The Lord will soften your wifes heart and the day will come when you and her enter the Temple together. Remember, you will never be able to convince her of the truth in the restored Gospel...that's the Spirit's job. Be faithful to Him and he will bless you. Godspeed my brother.

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Let me ask you some questions and comment on what I feel you have said. Please do not feel the need to respond back on this site or be offended any questions or comments left. Sometimes questions need to be asked and things said.

First let me note that it is great that you are trying to make an eternal family and are following what you believe to be the Lord's way. You WILL be blessed for your efforts. Perhaps not in your timing though;) Do not be discouraged. Many people have had to face challenges and persecution for following Christ or being associated with the church. May I encourage you to read Matthew 5 ( or the parallel in the BOM).

Tough question time.

Why were you seperated in the first place? Answering this question may help you better understand which way to go. A doctor cannot provide the proper help without understanding what the issue is. So you have to be completely honest with yourself and God regarding this.

Is there something that you are doing to cause problems? If so what?

What if anything can you do to fix it? Can you or have you prayed about the matter?

Do you feel that your marriage is repairable?

Do you think that your wife truly wants to fix it? (Its much harder if she doesn't want to)

How can you come to a peaceable solution? Is there any?

Would you be willing to risk putting your relationship aside(sacrifice) for a time to focus in on God and doing what it is that God wants you to do? Perhaps this is a test for you?

I wish that I had easy answers for you! You have to go before the ultimate doctor (God) though. He will show you what to do or put the people in the path that you need. Perhaps you can work things out with your wife maybe not. The variables are great.

Rest assured that there are many couples in the church whose partner is not a member of the church. It is possible to have a good marriage whether she joins or not, although it will present you both with some added challenges and heartache.

Respect her desire not to be a part of the church and make it clear that you will not force her or your son to go. But make it clear to her that you feel the desire right now to join the church and you want to meet with the missionaries because it will help you be a better husband, father, and person. If you ignore something that you feel so strongly about it will destroy you in the long run. Do not play matyrr when you are called to do something else. If you try and cover up something so important to you you will be filled with hate, frustration and other internal rage that will manifest itself in ways you never planned on.

There is a lot of fear, misunderstanding and animosity regarding the church. Respect her desire not to join or be a part of it. Its easy to go to the extreme of almost pushing it on her and try to save her-but wasn't that Satan's plan? You can't drag her along. Everyone has their agency. Sometimes it hurts. God has always respected the free agency of man. From the garden, during the time of Christ, etc. That is what you have to do. Imagine someone trying to push something that you didn't want. There needs to be a balance of respect. She should be willing to let you live your life as led by God. You need to let her follow her heart too. Is it possible for to keep a relationship going even with differences in beliefs. Maybe not very easily though.

Your relationship to God needs to be #1 or you will never find happiness with anyone. So stay close to scriptures and pray often. You can do all you can for her and it may not make a difference. Follow God 1st and show her the love that Christ showed his church. If she reads scriptures read with her from the Bible. The same truths in the BOM are found in the Bible. The differences in your understandings and beliefs can also be used to strengthen you both spiritually if you let it. Focus in on Gospel truths rather than church specific things. Most spiritual truths cross over different church or religious environments. As you look at what you have in common your relationship will strengthen.

Good luck to you. Continue to try and choose the right. It may not be easy but be assured of this you are never forgotton by God and He will keep His promises. Do not be afraid to listen and obey that which you feel He calls you to do.

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I have not read any of the responses on here yet. I did see that someone mentioned a discussion with your wife about her concerns regarding the Church. I would second that recommendation. It may be as simple as a common misconception about the Church. It may fear of losing you (again). It may be very valid and legitimate concerns. If you are serious about both repairing your marriage and joining the LDS Church, it is a conversation that needs to happen.

I would advise you to focus on your family first before your baptism. The most important unit in the Church or in society in general is the family. Even within the Church, family should always come before callings, etc. Ultimately, the Church and baptism into it can help unit your family -- potentially eternally -- but it sounds like you first need to focus on your family. If that means discontinuing meetings with the missionaries for a time, so be it. If you have been meeting with them for six months, then I'm guessing it's safe to say that you know where the chapel is and how to get in touch with the missionaries later, when you're ready again. The missionaries also keep records of people they meet with (especially over an extended period of time), and a new set of missionaries will contact you again in several months to see if you're interested in meeting with them again.

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Hi Glenn,

You are not alone in this. Several of us have faced similar situations. THe suggestions given are fantastic. Just take it slow with your wife.

My wife has been exrememly anti-LDS in the past. But she is beginning to slowly loosen up a bit. Hope it all works out. Be prayerful, God has a plan.

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