Infidelity resulting in pregnancy

[qtpie09]

I am in dire need of some support...

Here's my story --the condensed version....um NOT!

I'm 29 yrs old, my husband is 28 and we've been married for 5 years. I have always been extremely active in the church, that is until I met my husband. He is also a member, however he has been inactive since he was 16. I met him at the first church activity he had been at in yrs--FHE--and we've been together ever since. Regretfully, I have not made the proper decisions and have failed to stay active...it's been 3 years since I've been to church. The first several years of our marriage, we went occasionally but some excuse always came up not to go...biggest mistake of our lives.

So, it's been a bumpy ride. My husband and I have always had a unique relationship. We feel like best friends/roommates more than we feel like a married couple with an intense intimate bond. We are compatible in every aspect of our marriage--except for our physical relationship. Actually we haven't had much of a physical relationship at all... I know, weird. Neither one of us can explain it --all the intimacy dissappeared the day we got married (on his side at least). Instead of confronting the issue, we have let it fester and become the GIANT ELEPHANT in the room--the root of a lot of our marital conflicts.

Well, where am I going with all this?? About 9 months ago my husband decided he wanted to seperate and was sure that he did not want to be married any longer. He had started to hang out with a new group of friends from work and had started to drink (something he had done prior to meeting me, but had never done in the 6 yrs I have known him). He began to act strange and very closed off...I knew something was up. After several nights of him coming home drunk, I told him I would not tolerate his new lifestyle so he left me. He became a completely different person over the next several months. Extremely closed off, rude, and even cruel. He wanted nothing to do with me and had given up on our marriage. I begged for him to come back and for us to go to marriage counselling. I started going back to church and was meeting with the missionaries on a regular basis and working with the bishop on getting myself back to where I needed to be spiritually.

August was our 5 yr anniversary and just as I was coming out of months of depression and was making plans to move on with my life, he called me to let me know he wanted to try to work things out. I was shocked, but extremely hopeful. We spent 2 wonderful weeks back together (he still stayed at his parents house but we saw each other every day)--it was just like old times..I had my best friend back! But it only lasted 2 weeks. Out of the blue he called me and said our marriage was never going to work and to finish the divorce. Just like that.

Again I was crushed, but this time so very confused...I knew something was not right. I knew he had been hanging out with a girl for the entire summer and I confronted him about having an affair many many many times....he always denied it and acted like I was paranoid and just couldn't accept that our marriage didn't work out. Well, my suspicions were true. He sent me an email ---the day before I was to be finished with the divorce papers --and told me that he had an affair with his employee...a 21 yr old cashier. The same girl he had been seen with all summer. But that wasn't the kicker...the reason he suddenly decided our marriage wasn't going to work after getting back together and having 2 great weeks together and celebrating our 5 yr anniversary together was because she was PREGNANT!

**Quick backround** I have an infertility issue and have not been able to conceive--it's been devestating for me not to have children. It's all I have ever wanted....now this!

So, within this email my husband has told me that he wants to try to make our marriage work and he doesn't want to be with this other girl. That was October...here it is January and after many months the situation gets more and more complicated. He isn't making a commitment to our marriage at all. Frankly, he is "fence-sitting". He doesn't want to be with the other girl still, but he doesn't feel right "leaving" her while she is pregnant AND he doesn't want to fully commit to working on our marriage because he feels there is no hope.

What do I do??? I have asked him to go to marriage counceling, but he feels he is not ready for that. He is going to individual counceling for himself....the councelor has told him she thinks our marriage is over though. He won't go see the bishop either--again, he's "not ready". We spend almost every day together and "hang out" like friends would, but he rarely allows the conversation to turn serious. We only talk about our current situation when he is in the mood for it. I am so frusterated and emotionally drained. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions for almost a year now and with a child coming into our lives in a matter of months (she's due in May), I feel I am up against the clock in making a decision.

Help....I need advice!!!!

[Truegrits]

I have been there. He was my soul-mate, my best friend. Sixteen years married, and he has an affair. He leaves, "to find himself"...comes back, says he is sorry and really loves me. I find out he is still seeing her. He leaves again. He really wanted both; to have a family and to "play around." I decided that my daughter and I deserved to be treated better; we were either important enough in his life for him to commit to, to be with, or we were not. He "needed more time" he was still "finding himself."

So, I let him continue to "find himself" while my daughter and I moved on.

There is always hope, for saving a marriage, as long as both partners want it, and are willing to put in the time and the "work" to save it. It seems to me, from your post, that everything is on his terms/time table, as to what he is willing to do/talk about.

I would pray; I would continue to talk to my Bishop...and only you will know if there is true desire/intent on his part, to make your marriage work.

[LolaBella]

qtiepie, what an awful situation. My heart goes out to you. I havent been in any similar situations but Ill offer you some advice from a fresh person whos unbiased :)

It seems like you have had tried everything to make this marriage work. Your husband is stalling. He can't decide what he wants so he is shying away from making decisions. If he only wants to talk about your marriage on his terms, then that puts him in control of the situation.

You need to RECLAIM control. I would decide in your head a plan of action and STICK to it. If you want to give your marriage a final try, set him some ground rules. Tell him, if he wants to give the marriage a try he MUST:

Go to marriage counselling with you

Speak with the bishop (if thats what you want)

STOP seeing this other woman although he will need a degree of contact with her because of the child. Tell him if you are going to ever trust him again then for the time being you want to be around when he speaks to her, or if he has to meet her, you go too.

Tell him unless he is prepared to do these things, then the marriage is over.

If however in your heart of hearts you dont feel it will work, you must tell him it is over, stop hanging around with him and initiate the divorce proceedings yourself. Tell him not to contact you as you need time to heal and move on You deserve to be happy in or out of your marriage so whatever you choose I really hope it works out for you either way. You are still young enough to start life again.

This is just personally what I would do if I was in this situation. You must be mentally and emotionally exhausted and that is not good. Get your life back girl, I know you can do it!

Good luck, (((((Hugs)))))) x x

[BenRaines]

Kick the guy to the curb and move on. He lies to you, he cheats on you, he doesn't care about you or he wouldn't hurt you.

This is from a man's viewpoint.

As a good husband my job is to do everything I can to make my wife happy. This guy is all about making himself happy. You are just one of his toys. He has his friends, his baby momma and then you to hang out with so he isn't all by himself.

Ben Raines

[applepansy]

I agree with Ben.

While reading through your post I kept asking, when is she going to say she's had enough? Best Friend? Best friends don't treat each other like a doormat.

If the two of you have no children together (I'm making this assumption based on the infertility issue) then he needs to be free ot be that child's father, unless the girl is giving the child up for adoption. The churches position is that unmarried parents of a child should marry. If married isn't a possibility, or a marriage would make the situation worse, then the child should be given up for adoption. So that he/she can be raised in a two-parent home.

Your husband has made some bad decisions that have affected you. Now he's trying to straddle the fence. Throw the half of him you have out. You'll be doing him a favor and yourself as well.

Grieve (hard process) and then move on.

Talk to your bishop and get counseling yourself.

applepansy

[lilered]

I agree with Ben, its time to move on. You have given him ample time to make his decision and he continues to want his cake and eat it too. By his unwillingness to make the choice, he has in affect made his choice, he wants both. Meanwhile, it is slowly drained you of your self confidence, your hope, your dreams, etc.. My advise would be to do the things you know are right, reset your own moral compass, get back on the path, grab hold of the iron rod, and your life will be blessed.

[john doe]

I'm with Ben on this one. Finish the divorce and move on to the next phase of your life. Since you have no kids together, you can cut all ties to him, forget the bad times and move on to some better ones. He won't change unless he's forced to, and if he does he will resent you for pushing that change on him. Like Ben says, kick him to the curb.

[pam]

Having once been married to someone for 14 years that gave nothing but emotional and verbal abuse....get rid of him.

There comes a time in your life when you have to say..."I want the REAL ME back." You won't have that as long as you are playing the waiting game "will he or won't he." Because the way I'm reading it..he won't.

Finish the divorce and move on. Focus on YOU instead of the WE. That's what I had to do. Has it been easy? Nope...But I can tell you..I'm soooooo much happier and emotionally stronger than I ever was when I was married to someone who just didn't give a dang.

[qtpie09]

Wow...that's all I can say.

You all have no idea what this support means to me. My councelor asked that I reach out for support, so instead of going to some local support group I chose to find online support...I just didn't feel comfortable looking strangers in the face and telling my story...I feel so ashamed. I am so glad I found this site. It's empowering!

<<Ben>> Thank you so much for your post. It means so much to me to hear a man's perspective...and it gives me hope that there is someone out there who will cherish me and the sanctity of our marriage, just as I deserve. You are right...he is stringing me along so he is not alone. He told me he is "annoyed" by the other girl--mainly because she is young, naive, and is so clearly of a different moral backround. He speaks of her as if she is "white trash", but I want to tell him so badly that he is just as "Jerry Springer" worthy as she is!

<<LolaBella>>I love the way you think girl! I have been so passive in this situation. I am emotionally drained and completely depressed...what woman wouldn't be? My husband told me yesterday that he is not physically attracted to me anymore, but he really wants to be...what does that even mean? Especially since I have only gained 10 lbs in the 5 yrs we have been married..ugh. I digress...anyway, I DO need to set boundaries and I am going to take the next several days that I have off to sit down and pray for guidance in doing just that. He always seems to manipulate me into thinking what I ask of him is unreasonable and that what he is doing is right for us..."we need to ease back into our relationship". I am so tired of not being wanted and for him not fighting for us. Thank you for your strength!

<Applepansy> After reading my post again, I had the same thought as you..."who's best friend would put them through this kind of torture" I find myself enabling him and making excuses for him. I think over the years I have lost myself and lost my feelings of true self worth. It's amazing what a person can coax you into thinking about yourself over the course of many years. You are an inspiration. :)

And for everyone else...blessings to you all! I woke up thinking I may get one response...maybe. This outpouring of support has really opened my eyes to what I have been putting myself through. I have a lot of praying to do and I now feel like I don't have to go through this alone. This is the first time I have really reached out to anyone. Not even my family knows what I am going through to the full extent. Like I said before, I feel so ashamed. Now I know I shouldn't be...I have been faithful, I am the one who has been wronged. Thank you all so much. I will keep you posted. I have a LONG weekend ahead of me!

[pam]

Wow you sound stronger and more sure of yourself already. That's awesome!!!!!

[applepansy]

qtpie,

there is not need for you to feel ashamed. I'm glad you realize that now. Let your family help, support and love you through this hard time.

applepansy

[pam]

Ditto what pansy said.

[Honor]

Dear Sister, you're in my prayers. I second what has been said here and I was so happy to see your reaction. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders - not in denial, and very open to listening to reason. I'm glad you can see the situation so clearly now and that you feel the support you have here. Please keep us updated. You're not alone!

[Canuck Mormon]

Kick the guy to the curb and move on. He lies to you, he cheats on you, he doesn't care about you or he wouldn't hurt you.

This is from a man's viewpoint.

As a good husband my job is to do everything I can to make my wife happy. This guy is all about making himself happy. You are just one of his toys. He has his friends, his baby momma and then you to hang out with so he isn't all by himself.

Ben Raines

I agree 100%. Kick the bum out and change the locks. He's made his bed and now he has to sleep in it (no pun intended). If you are going to do this, do it quickly, like a band-aid. Make the decision and do not second guess yourself.

Good luck.

[Islander]

If I were the betting type, I would put some good money on the fact that the guy has some other still undisclosed issues. Beyond that, I agree with the rest of the crew above. Kick him to the curb. He is an ungrateful and cruel son of the bitter night.

Painful and difficult as it is to admit that you kind of lost your way and sense of direction with him (trust me I know about being lost that is why I got me a GPS) but you MUST go on. This (his affair) has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you. Your relationship was not on solid footing from the beginning and there were plenty of warning signs that unfortunately you set aside to protect your investment in the marriage. And, of course, I know you loved him. But it was not reciprocal. Like my grandma just to say, "child, you got a crab in your bag", unfortunately. No matter how careful you are to handle your bag, the crab is going to bite you sooner or later. That is what they do.

Get some counseling ASAP, get busy, get active, prepare go to the Temple and have faith. History is not destiny and what you did, where you'd been and what happened to you have no relationship with the happiness and the success you can achieve, where you can go and reach and the future your Heavenly Father has in store for you.

[DLD73]

You know, I read through all of these responses and you have found a great support system. I, too, came on here to get support. To be honest, I have been inactive for 20 years. I just started going back to church again, my husband and family are not interested. As I prayed for help and guidance, this morning, I could not contain my tears. Same situation now as I am typing. And in all this, I feel that there are things that need to be said.

We do not always choose the path that we are on. There is a much greater purpose for every struggle we are faced with. Please trust that this path you are on is one that our Heavenly Father knows you can handle. The fact that you still entertain the idea of making your marriage work, means that you know that the vows you took are that of a lifetime and beyond.

Although what he has done is something that he can never take back, he can be forgiven. By you, himself and our Heavenly Father. Maybe he doesn't remember that. And, regardless of how it came to be, there is a little spirit that will be here soon that may need your help, your love and your example.

I am not trying to be empathetic towards your husband, or the woman he was unfaithful with, but there are reasons behind every action. He most likely does not know why he did what he did. (Adversity will sieze every opportunity it can.) He may not want to go to church because of the shame he feels. Counselling brings more shame. Is it possible that he calls her names because he thinks that is what you want to hear? (It may be a good idea to remind him that she is going to be the mother of his child, forever, and he should respect her as such.) You can help shape the world this child is brought into.

I feel that your role in this overwhelming situation goes much further than just being the wife of a cheating, rude, inconsiderate and confused man. Pray, Pray, Pray!!! The Spirit will continue to guide you.

I hope I have helped.

Best of luck,

Your Sister

Edited January 16, 2009 by DLD73

[BenRaines]

Some times we suffer as other exercise their agency. The woman who is faithful in all her doings, an excellent wife and supports her husband and for his own selfish reasons decides to go out and break his covenants, be unfaithful to his wife, to his Lord and people suffer.

Exercise your agency too to continue faithful and keep your covenants but do not continue with an unrepentant covenant breaker.

Do you care for your own mortal life? Anyone here heard of STDs. Some can be fatal. If he plays around with one who knows if there are others or who his baby mama has been with before him.

Ben Raines

[DLD73]

Please read this article from lds.org...

LDS.org - Liahona Article - Enriching Your Marriage

[applepansy]

Ben makes a very good point about STDs. If one partner is unfaithful they are putting the other at risk for some very nasty health issues that don't do away with a pill.

applepansy

[DLD73]

Just because we suffer, does that mean we should not befriend and forgive?

[applepansy]

Just because we suffer, does that mean we should not befriend and forgive?

The quick answer is no. We should befriend and we should forgive. We are commanded to forgive. We are suppose to turn the other cheek, and give a man our coat, etc.

I don't believe that Heavenly Father expects us to stay and continue to be treated badly after we have made a good faith effort at reconciliation. Turn the other cheek? Yes Stand there and be beat? No way!

I also believe you can forgive and not continue a destructive association. Sometimes you can't forgive until you end the destructive association.

From the posts qtpie has indicated that her husband isn't truly interested in investing time in the marriage. He's more interested in what pleases himself and he wants to keep her on the hook as a friend. Marriage isn't about just friendship. All women deserve to be treated better than that.

applepansy

[DLD73]

I am not saying, qtpie, if you should stay or go. I do not feel comfortable nor qualified to give that type of advise. I know that you are a strong and couragous woman to even remain his friend. My point was that as his friend, in whatever capacity, you can have a positive impact on lives of everyone involved. To be judgemental and unsypathetic wounds our soul. Forgiveness and friendship are the teachings of our Savior. What he has done could cost him his wife but even more so his salvation, and there is no greater punishment. To excersise forgiveness and love, to any of our fallen brethern, can help us become missionaries without even knowing it.

Edited January 16, 2009 by DLD73

[DLD73]

I agree, pansy, it is abusive. Good luck QTpie. Just thought I would try to help, maybe I don't know as much as I should before trying to give advise.

[BenRaines]

Hey I am all for Opps, I messed up and due to our problems I was unfaithful, please forgive me and let me earn your trust again. I am not all for, "Hey I got this girl pregnant and I need to be there to be a dad for the baby but I sure like coming over to your place as my best friend. Best friends are for husbands and wives who are faithful to each other.

I have been married to my wife for 33 years. I have no other women who are my "best friends" other than my wife. I have lots of guy friends who are best friends and they have wives but as I have said in other posts we are never alone. If my friend is not there I don't go there. Not right, not proper.

If I don't allow myself to be alone with another woman, other than my wife, there can be no infidelity.

Ben Raines

[qtpie09]

I am truly overwhelmed. It's not too often that you get to read and re-read the answer to your prayers...I have prayed so much to not be alone. I thought my answer would come in the form of not being alone in my marriage--meaning, my husband would be here beside me, ready to pick up the pieces and start the healing process. But today I am pretty sure my prayers have been answered in a much different way. I know I'm not alone...I have my Heavenly Father, my testimony and faith, my family, my friends, and even complete strangers who are willing to give advice and uplifting thoughts.

<<DLD73>>

That article is what has kept me going for months. I have a wrinkled copy of it tucked in the pocket of my purse. I also gave a copy to my husband. When the going gets tough, I turn to it for guidance. I read it again today--it's been weeks--and found the article to be completely different from how I remembered it. The counsel was the same, but the personal application was so different. Thank you!

Your viewpoint is similar to how I have been approaching our situation. I know I am not at fault for what my husband has done and his actions are by no means excusable. In my heart, I know he is confused and scared--I see it in his eyes and I feel it everytime I am with him. That's why it has been hard to take the "bandaid" approach and be done with things. If I had made such a devestating mistake, I would hope he would support me in the same way and stay strong while lovingly guiding me back on track. My patriarchal blessing says I will be a Renaissance woman and will lead my spouse to the gospel and together we will have a loving eternal family. I can't help but have hope in that promise. With not being able to conceive, I often think about how we still have hope of mending our marriage and having this little spirit in our lives, together having an eternal family. I know this child is going to need guidance and a strong moral influence in his life, maybe I am on this path for a reason. Believe me, your words and advice have been so meaningful...your wonderful :)

<<Ben>>

Can I buy you a plane ticket to come talk some sense into my husband??--or BEAT some sense into him...pleeeeeze! lol

Seriously, your thoughts are so much appreciated. His actions are definitely not in line with what he says he wants. That's what really has been wearing me down. I feel I am doing all the work and I wasn't the one who caused the mess. I love what you said about excercising my free agency...I hadn't looked at it that way.

And STDs...well, he's been schooled on that! He's not coming anywhere near me until he gets tested.

<<Everyone >>

....you are simply amazing. Today I felt the spirit with me more than I have in a long time. Islander is right, there are so many more issues my husband has in his past --more than most people could ever imagine. I have to stop sympathizing and feeling obligated to take care of him....he's a big boy now. In all the years I have been taking care of him and worrying about his well being, I have lost myself. I've lost everything...I quit school in order to work full time to support his lifestyle, I've lost all my friends because he was jealous and tore down all the people around me, I've distanced myself from my family, I even took a demotion at work about 4 months ago due to all the stress I am going through. I am tired of putting in the investment and not getting a return. Nothing is reciprocated...that is becoming more and more apparant. I am feeling more and more empowered to do what I need to in order to preserve my own existance and spiritual well-being....with or without him. Thank you everyone!

What am I doing tonight?? hm....not playing playstation with HIM that's for sure!!! I went and got my nails done today...tomorrow I have a hair appt....and I'm reuniting with some old pals....there is a glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel now :) Goodnight!

Edited January 17, 2009 by qtpie09