Infidelity resulting in pregnancy

[applepansy]

Well I was just going on what Qtpie was writing Applepansy. So my quote was mirroring her statements. But I am not married and I don't have these problems, so I know little on how not to do it without contatct. But her writing feels so pained and I am wondering why she is putting herself through this.

I appreciate your posts. . . I too cannot imagine why she is putting herself through all this.

applepansy

[applepansy]

<<FADED>>

Yes, she knew about me. I know most of the people my husband works with and they all know he's married. I used to take him lunch on my days off and I would go see him after I got off work. I never met her, but she DOES know I exist. I even called her when I suspected the affair early on. True, my husband and I were seperated, but I told her if she had any respect for herself or for me as a woman she would wait until the ink on our divorce papers were dry before she moved in on my husband. She did all this knowingly--and based on the timeline--she got pregnant at the same time or VERY shortly after my husband told her the first time that he was coming home to me to work on our marriage. Her best friend even confirmed her suspicions that she got pregnant on purpose. We are not talking about anyone with any sort of moral compass here! She's made it very clear that she does not want our marriage to work and is doing everything to sabatoge it.

With that said, I am pretty sure my marriage is over. Thank you to everyone for all your support and advice over the past couple of weeks. Today I had to work and my husband had a day off. Of course, after he wouldn't answer the phone and wouldn't text me back, I finally asked if he was with her. He was. This is only a day or so after he said he wasn't going to be alone with her. He justifies everything--saying they were just going to lunch and watching a movie...he doesn't see why he can't just be friends with her (they are going to be raising this kid)---ha, what a crock! He continually betrays my trust over and over and it's only because I let him(I know --everyone has told me that already--I know). I told him I am not going to be subject to him and this other woman setting the ground rules and expecting me to accept it or leave. I told him a real man would go see the Bishop and be humbled enough to go through the repentance process...not continue to live in sin. He hung up on me and won't return my calls...I'm sure it's over. Oh well. Can't say I didn't try.

Dear Qtpie,

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. Faded, gave you some excellent advice. Follow it.

I know the Atonement will help heal your heart. Let it.

I wish I could give you a hug and hold on.

applepansy

[Tarnished]

<<FADED>>

Yes, she knew about me. I know most of the people my husband works with and they all know he's married. I used to take him lunch on my days off and I would go see him after I got off work. I never met her, but she DOES know I exist. I even called her when I suspected the affair early on. True, my husband and I were seperated, but I told her if she had any respect for herself or for me as a woman she would wait until the ink on our divorce papers were dry before she moved in on my husband. She did all this knowingly--and based on the timeline--she got pregnant at the same time or VERY shortly after my husband told her the first time that he was coming home to me to work on our marriage. Her best friend even confirmed her suspicions that she got pregnant on purpose. We are not talking about anyone with any sort of moral compass here! She's made it very clear that she does not want our marriage to work and is doing everything to sabatoge it.

With that said, I am pretty sure my marriage is over. Thank you to everyone for all your support and advice over the past couple of weeks. Today I had to work and my husband had a day off. Of course, after he wouldn't answer the phone and wouldn't text me back, I finally asked if he was with her. He was. This is only a day or so after he said he wasn't going to be alone with her. He justifies everything--saying they were just going to lunch and watching a movie...he doesn't see why he can't just be friends with her (they are going to be raising this kid)---ha, what a crock! He continually betrays my trust over and over and it's only because I let him(I know --everyone has told me that already--I know). I told him I am not going to be subject to him and this other woman setting the ground rules and expecting me to accept it or leave. I told him a real man would go see the Bishop and be humbled enough to go through the repentance process...not continue to live in sin. He hung up on me and won't return my calls...I'm sure it's over. Oh well. Can't say I didn't try.

Oh I am so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like your husband is not willing to do the things he needs to do to save your marriage. And it sounds like this mistress of his is not willing to make any of this easier for the two of you. If he was willing to change himself, go to the Bishop and begin the repentance process, only have contact with this other woman through the court system and drastically make changes needed to save your marriage that the marriage might be saveable, however it sounds like he is resistant to all of that.

I can understand where you are coming from, I can understand your desire to stay with your husband. The thought of losing Faded was terrible for me when I told him what I had done. I knew there was a good possiblity that I would lose him, which is why when it came down to it I was willing to do whatever it took to keep our marriage together. It is difficult to face the reality that you could lose your spouse. However it does not sound like he is in the same boat as you. He is not willing to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage together. He is not willing to give up his sins so that the two of you can start over and work together to save your marriage. His recent actions have shown you this.

Please, whatever happens next, please make sure you are the one to break things off with him. Decide in your mind that it is the path you need to take and then act upon it. Ending your marriage will be a painful process but by taking action and making the first move toward ending it you are taking control and it will result in less pain for you. By being the one to end it you will have a sense of resolution and will be able to move on, which is something I think you will definately need. Remember that we are here for you. Please know that we love you and that Christ and your Heavenly Father love you as well. They will give you strength to make it through this hard time in your life.

[qtpie09]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. To say the least, I am just emotionally and physically drained. I have done my best to gear up for this outcome, but nobody can really prepare themselves. I have been yo-yoed around so much this past year, I really don't know how to feel right now. I feel more empowered and more sure of what I want in a marriage though...and I know this is certainly not what I want. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I will always love my husband, but we're just not on the same path. I used to think that if I still loved him, I had to fight to be with him and make our marriage work. Now I know that I can still love him, but I don't have to accept the way he is treating me or be in a relationship where I get nothing back from all that I give. Over the past several months I have learned so much about myself and I will cherish the lessons I have learned from this experience...and just pray I never have to go through it again.

Part of letting go is also finding myself again. My husband was everything to me...my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love, my first everything. I became totally consumed in "us" and along the way I lost myself. For so long I've been afraid of being alone and becoming an old maid. I don't care about that anymore. As long as I am living the gospel and following the teachings of our Savior, I know I will be blessed. I'm putting my faith where it needs to be...in God...not my husband. I still will pray for him. Pray that his heart will be softened and he will be humbled enough to go through the repentance process. I pray that he will find happiness in the future and will be able to provide a loving home and a stable life for his new son. I pray that he will find a partner who will not lead him further down the path he is on and will be an example to him that I wasn't able to be. It's strange how I want so many good things for a man who has hurt me so deeply. I don't understand it.

Can you guys believe that I have had the most uneventful, drama-free life up until this point?? I promise. This situation is so out in left-field it's not even funny. But I thank everyone for giving me such good advice. I know you will all be blessed for giving my such love and support.

I'll keep you posted. :)

[sakuragirl]

Qtpie, I have not voiced an opinion in your struggle as it has pained me to think of what you are going through. I cannot say I understand how you feel as I have never personally been through this. What I can tell you is that it is obvious through your posts that YOU DO have the strength, courage and Commitment to your self and the spirit to be strong through this ordeal. That you can and will do what is right for you because you deserve it and you deserve to be happy. You also deserve someone who is willing to love you for you and see the beauty and wonder that is you. I have to agree with many of these posts here, this man does not deserve you and to be honest does not seem even remotely good enough for you. You are in my prayers and hopes for you to find happiness.

[qtpie09]

<<Sakuragirl>>

Thanks so much for your kindness. It's really been the strength of the people around me and of this site that has allowed me to find my own strength. I don't know what the future has in store, but that's the beauty of it...I can make that future anything I want it to be. Slowly I am seeing that all the things I blamed myself for were never really my fault--I was just manipulated into believing they were. I will never let another person hurt me this way. Thank you for your support.

Everything seems so surreal right now. But when it rains, it pours...a good friend from HS passed away yesterday and this morning I was in a car accident (thanks to our wonderful ice storm) and totaled my car. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me to be putting me through all this, but it better be good. lol :)

[Faded]

Qtpie, I have not voiced an opinion in your struggle as it has pained me to think of what you are going through. I cannot say I understand how you feel as I have never personally been through this. What I can tell you is that it is obvious through your posts that YOU DO have the strength, courage and Commitment to your self and the spirit to be strong through this ordeal. That you can and will do what is right for you because you deserve it and you deserve to be happy. You also deserve someone who is willing to love you for you and see the beauty and wonder that is you. I have to agree with many of these posts here, this man does not deserve you and to be honest does not seem even remotely good enough for you. You are in my prayers and hopes for you to find happiness.

Amen to that.

[applepansy]

<<Sakuragirl>>

Thanks so much for your kindness. It's really been the strength of the people around me and of this site that has allowed me to find my own strength. I don't know what the future has in store, but that's the beauty of it...I can make that future anything I want it to be. Slowly I am seeing that all the things I blamed myself for were never really my fault--I was just manipulated into believing they were. I will never let another person hurt me this way. Thank you for your support.

Everything seems so surreal right now. But when it rains, it pours...a good friend from HS passed away yesterday and this morning I was in a car accident (thanks to our wonderful ice storm) and totaled my car. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me to be putting me through all this, but it better be good. lol :)

I don't believe Heavenly Father says "Oh I think Qtpie needs to learn something here so lets really pile on the stress" I DO believe he allows everyone their agency. So our choices put us in situations. Sometimes its the people we choose to be around that choose things that cause us stress.

I'm sorry to hear about the death of your HS friend. Its hard to lose those we care about. I'm also sorry about the accident. I hope you weren't physically hurt. You can always (eventually) replace a car. We can't replace YOU.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. This too shall pass and you'll be all the stronger for it.

applepansy

[qtpie09]

Hey all!!!

Sorry I've been MIA lately. Home computer crashed and the only link to the internet was via Blackberry (good for texting, not blogging or updating everyone on here). So...I'm back in business with our home computer back up and running.

Just got home from a 8 day trip to Phoenix to see my little sis and I got to visit a friend from WAAAY back who is now married and has 2 kids. It was a great vacation...away from all the drama!! Actually, I thought seriously about not coming back. I just wish it was that easy! With a house, a job, not too much cash saved up to fall back on...that would be pretty much impossible. But hey, a girl can dream. It was interesting to be smack dab back in the middle of single life though. My sis is 25 and has a 19 yr old roommate. Both are very active in the singles ward, so our week was jammed full of activities like FHE, visiting teaching, group outings, etc. Very surreal and awkward...I felt OLD (and I'm only 29)!!! Mostly, I just don't want to go back to those days. Ugh. I'm definitely in the family-mode of my life. Entering the mid-20s singles scene again would be dreadful and painful! Oh well....I'm not even thinking about that really now that I'm home.

So, not too much to update you all on with my situation. I am actually doing pretty well. I started seeing a new therapist, who happens to work in conjunction with my husbands therapist...that was just a coincidence. So, my husband actually mentioned getting to a point where we could start going to marriage councelling with all of us together. Dunno. He still has a lot to prove. Right now I'm just doing anything and everything to make myself happy...hence the trip to Phoenix on a whim. :) I start Weight Watchers this Thursday with a friend from work--always a good way to feel better about yourself--shed a few pounds :) Also, I am getting a membership to the local YMCA so I can start going to areobics classes--and I might try some karate. And the thing I'm most excited about is that I'm going back to church...this Sunday in fact. My new work schedule has me off on Sundays--for the first time in 5 yrs!!!! Things are looking up for me...even if my marriage really isn't going anywhere. The way I look at it...I'm going to do everything to better myself....if he wants to come along, then great....get to work buddy. If not, then I know I will be preparing myself for a better life than what I will ever have with him.

Well...that's all folks. I'll keep you posted better now that I have a computer :) LaTerS~ qypie09

[Madriglace]

Last Friday we had a Women's Conference and a young sister sang a song that had everyone in tears. I copied the words for another sweet sister I met on this site but I think all things considered it this may have been where it was to go.

Do you wonder if He knows who you are?

Do you wonder if He knows the secret pleadings of your heart?

He has numbered every sand of the sea,

And He longs for you to know He believes in you.

Can you feel a quiet power from above?

Can you feel His power ‘round you when your own is not enough?

He has blessed you with His spirit from on high,

And He longs for you to know It lives inside of you.

Oh be true … Daughter of a King

The Father’s royalty … heir to His divinity.

He’s calling your name to come take your place before His throne

He has always known what He created you to be

A Daughter of a King.

You hold the promises of all eternity

Rise to claim the noble birth right you were sent here to receive

He has loved you since you lived with Him before

Let Him lead you to the gifts He has in store

Oh be true … Daughter of a King

The Father’s royalty … heir to His divinity.

He’s calling your name to come take your place before His throne

He has always known what He created you to be

A Daughter of a King.

Oh be true … Daughter of a King

Remember who you are ... you deserve nothing but the very best in every way. Think of what you need and what is best for you ... if it's him he needs to treat you like the royalty you are ... if it's not him you need to treat you like the royalty you are. You are only 29 ....the possibilities are endless. My heart goes out to you.

[qtpie09]

<Madriglace>

Thank you for those lyrics...i can only imagine how more special they are put to music. This was just the "pick me up" I needed today. So often I feel like my whole world is changing and I have no control...I'm powerless. So the line "Can you feel His power ‘round you when your own is not enough?" really touched me. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not alone in this. After so many years of not having any self esteem and forgetting my own self worth, it's a constant struggle to not fall back into thinking and feeling like there is no hope and my life ends here. Like you said..."the possibilities are endless" :-)

Thank you so much for your kindness!

[Earthymama82]

Do you wonder if He knows who you are?

Do you wonder if He knows the secret pleadings of your heart?

He has numbered every sand of the sea,

And He longs for you to know He believes in you.

Can you feel a quiet power from above?

Can you feel His power ‘round you when your own is not enough?

He has blessed you with His spirit from on high,

And He longs for you to know It lives inside of you.

Oh be true … Daughter of a King

The Father’s royalty … heir to His divinity.

He’s calling your name to come take your place before His throne

He has always known what He created you to be

A Daughter of a King.

You hold the promises of all eternity

Rise to claim the noble birth right you were sent here to receive

He has loved you since you lived with Him before

Let Him lead you to the gifts He has in store

Oh be true … Daughter of a King

The Father’s royalty … heir to His divinity.

He’s calling your name to come take your place before His throne

He has always known what He created you to be

A Daughter of a King.

Oh be true … Daughter of a King

Coming out of lurkdom to thank you for this poem. wow. I haven't felt such emotion swell within me in a long while.

I have been struggling for a while now, and that has been eating at me & I just lost my dad this month which has made life and spirituality even more of a struggle....

This made me feel the spirit so strongly. I needed that spiritual hug.

Thank you for taking the time to post that.

[foreverafter]

qtpie09,

True Love is real. It is rare. It is the most powerful thing there is. But it requires we give our life, one day at a time, for our spouse & put their welfare & happiness ahead of our own & help them repent if need be, if even from a safe distance. If you have True Love, your spouse is all yours forever, no matter what. Nothing or noone can take them from you in the end. It's totally your decision. You hold all the power if you stay faithful. True Love never ends or gives up & it always wins in the end. Every unfaithful spouse must one day repent & spend the rest of their life & eternity making it up to their spouse.

[applepansy]

[Islander]

qtpie09,

True Love is real. It is rare. It is the most powerful thing there is. But it requires we give our life, one day at a time, for our spouse & put their welfare & happiness ahead of our own & help them repent if need be, if even from a safe distance. If you have True Love, your spouse is all yours forever, no matter what. Nothing or noone can take them from you in the end. It's totally your decision. You hold all the power if you stay faithful. True Love never ends or gives up & it always wins in the end. Every unfaithful spouse must one day repent & spend the rest of their life & eternity making it up to their spouse.

I understand the sentiment but when it comes to repentance we should stick to what the Lord says. He does not require repayment forever for any transgression or sin. We are commanded to forgive everyone, regardless. It is a condition of repentance. D&C 64.

There should be pain, discipline, sorrow and repentance. But when that is accomplished all things are restored and we move on. It is not required that we, forever, look upon our sin or repay for the deed. Isa 1:18. All it is required is that we sin no more and that we remain steadfast on the covenant.

Just some thoughts

[foreverafter]

He does not require repayment forever for any transgression or sin.

Islander, I understand what you are saying & you are right in that once we are finished repaying for our sins in Spirit Prison after this life, we will have been cleansed but we can't make restitution to our spouse in prison, we must do that when we are released. Maybe it won't take an eternity but like the prodical son, the prodical spouse will be glad to & feel like loving & serving their injured spouse forever because of the great pain they inflicted on them on earth.

If an adulterous or abusive spouse repents while still here on this earth, it will take the rest of their life to make it up to their spouse, because the innocent spouse must live with the pain & distrust of their destructive deeds for the rest of their life, such pain doesn't go away until the next life, even if a spouse repents. The repentance must match the pain of the other.

Edited February 28, 2009 by foreverafter

[Islander]

Islander, I understand what you are saying & you are right in that once we are finished repaying for our sins in Spirit Prison after this life, we will have been cleansed but we can't make restitution to our spouse in prison, we must do that when we are released. Maybe it won't take an eternity but like the prodical son, the prodical spouse will be glad to & feel like loving & serving their injured spouse forever because of the great pain they inflicted on them on earth.

If an adulterous or abusive spouse repents while still here on this earth, it will take the rest of their life to make it up to their spouse, because the innocent spouse must live with the pain & distrust of their destructive deeds for the rest of their life, such pain doesn't go away until the next life, even if a spouse repents. The repentance must match the pain of the other.

Like I said before, I understand the sentiment. But if you feel you will carry the pain of the injury caused by the affair forever it seems to me you may not fully understand the Atonement.

In order to progress, both of you have to put the issue behind you, avail yourself of every tool, spiritual, psychological and otherwise in order to overcome and look upon it no more as the scripture command. Both parties labor to love and strengthen the relationship with an eye in eternity. But we should not be burdened with the past not God requires us to do so. I could not live with myself if I were remembering every day every horrible thing I've ever done. At baptism it was washed away, done and over with for God in His mercy provided the Atonement of his son to make it possible.

In repentance there has to be pain, sorrow, shame, discipline but also forgiveness. And the latter can not be conditional, it is commanded. If you remind him every day of the pain he caused you, of how horrible you feel for the affair and that he has to make it up to you all the days of his life he will leave. It is an impossible burden to carry and it is just easier to start over. And that is what happens frequently. Most marriages after an affair fail not because it could not be saved, but because one or both can not let go of the pain or the shame

Just some thoughts.

[foreverafter]

But if you feel you will carry the pain of the injury caused by the affair forever it seems to me you may not fully understand the Atonement.

If you remind him every day of the pain he caused you, of how horrible you feel for the affair and that he has to make it up to you all the days of his life he will leave. It is an impossible burden to carry and it is just easier to start over. And that is what happens frequently. Most marriages after an affair fail not because it could not be saved, but because one or both can not let go of the pain or the shame

The pain of the injury will surely be healed in the next life. I was referring to this life only. Those who understand Adultery & Abuse, know that the pain usually lasts for years & years, often a lifetime & the inability to completely trust again also lasts because we are human & if someone commits that great of crime (abuse or adultery) it is so easy & common for them to slip again. Any wise spouse would be watchful for it, while hoping for the best & loving them despite what happened.

An innocent & loving & forgiving spouse would not be bringing it up everyday, that would make things more difficult, though they would need to talk about things from time to time. But if the guilty spouse was truely repentant they would be willing & understand the need of their spouse talking it through as much as needed, in the years to come & be reassuring & even more transparent than normal because of what they had done. They would understand the magnitude of the pain they had caused & be willing to give their life to eliminate any lingering pain as much as they could.

If the guilty spouse left because the innocent spouse couldn't get over it in this life, than that proves that the guilty spouse didn't really fully repent & understand the huge wound they inflicted. The innocent spouse needs to eventually forgive & will get over it, but there is no set timetable & a truely repentant spouse would spend their lifetime proving to their injured spouse that it's safe to love & trust them again. If they left they would just be continuing their adultery but blaming it on their spouse cause they won't get over it as fast as the other would like.

Very few realize how deeply painful & lifelong the scars are from abuse & adultery. That is why they are the worst of sins. Yes, we have our Saviors atonement & the Spirit to help ease alot of the pain in this life but the repentant spouse has a major obligation to do all they can for the rest of their mortal life to help lessen & eliminate the pain & distrust they caused.

Edited February 28, 2009 by foreverafter

[Islander]

The pain of the injury will surely be healed in the next life. I was referring to this life only. Those who understand Adultery & Abuse, know that the pain usually lasts for years & years, often a lifetime & the inability to completely trust again also lasts because we are human & if someone commits that great of crime (abuse or adultery) it is so easy & common for them to slip again. Any wise spouse would be watchful for it, while hoping for the best & loving them despite what happened.

I understand what you are saying and I happen to know more about he subject than you can imagine. But that is not the point.

I can see that you are quite hurt and your perspective and outlook is quite impacted by the situation. It is imperative that you seek help and avail yourself of every tool in order to overcome the situation. Suffice to say that how you feel right now and what you think about the situation is severely skewed by the pain of the affair. You need professional intervention in order to develop the skills you would need to negotiate this very difficult time and be able to rebuild you marriage. Although you may think you can deal with this alone that can not be further from the truth. Your current view of the future may actually impair your ability to overcome this situation. Have faith, ponder on the Atonement and seek professional help.

My prayers are with you

[foreverafter]

Islander,

I would offer to you in return, that there are no real solutions & cures for any spouse, except from the Savior & his teachings. The Prophets teach that the scriptures have the solution to every problem in life. Though this is not accepted very well by very many, for the scriptures warn that everyone these days has been deceived by the philosophies of men & their solutions, except a rare few.

And you needn't worry about me, I was not speaking about my own marriage in my posts above, but of a situation I know many are going through. My marriage has never been more secure than it is today, though of course, I must continue to rely on Heavenly Father & do my part so it stays that way. But I am very greatful to be able to say that I enjoy an exulatant ecstacy in my marriage that surprisingly few even believe in, but that everyone can also have. And it is because of Christ & his Atonement & sacrifice & example, especially in teaching us how to have such True Love for our spouse, no matter what, like Christ does for us. Christ also helps us see & understand any serious sins of a spouse in a very clear & understandable light, so that we may respond to it how he would & help them repent.

Edited March 1, 2009 by foreverafter

[Faded]

The pain of the injury will surely be healed in the next life. I was referring to this life only. Those who understand Adultery & Abuse, know that the pain usually lasts for years & years, often a lifetime & the inability to completely trust again also lasts because we are human & if someone commits that great of crime (abuse or adultery) it is so easy & common for them to slip again. Any wise spouse would be watchful for it, while hoping for the best & loving them despite what happened.

An innocent & loving & forgiving spouse would not be bringing it up everyday, that would make things more difficult, though they would need to talk about things from time to time. But if the guilty spouse was truly repentant they would be willing & understand the need of their spouse talking it through as much as needed, in the years to come & be reassuring & even more transparent than normal because of what they had done. They would understand the magnitude of the pain they had caused & be willing to give their life to eliminate any lingering pain as much as they could.

If the guilty spouse left because the innocent spouse couldn't get over it in this life, than that proves that the guilty spouse didn't really fully repent & understand the huge wound they inflicted. The innocent spouse needs to eventually forgive & will get over it, but there is no set timetable & a truly repentant spouse would spend their lifetime proving to their injured spouse that it's safe to love & trust them again. If they left they would just be continuing their adultery but blaming it on their spouse cause they won't get over it as fast as the other would like.

Very few realize how deeply painful & lifelong the scars are from abuse & adultery. That is why they are the worst of sins. Yes, we have our Saviors atonement & the Spirit to help ease alot of the pain in this life but the repentant spouse has a major obligation to do all they can for the rest of their mortal life to help lessen & eliminate the pain & distrust they caused.

Quoted for truth and highlighted the most important pieces that Qtpie's husband has not been man enough to do for her -- at least not yet. At this point, there is no reason she should be obligated to stick around. The moment that he committed adultery, her obligation to stay married to him ended. Sure she will have to eventually forgive him, but forgiveness does not mean staying with him.

There's the flip side to the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." If you were qtpie's husband how would you want to be dealt with? Would you want to be handed an unconditional license to continue to do as you damn well pleased, or would you prefer to be handed some strict rules to keep you from ever screwing up again? Would you want your wife to be an enabler and a doormat for you, or would you want her to help you regain her love and trust?

Unconditionally forgiving, forgetting and staying together no matter what -- in this circumstance accomplishes all the wrong things. It sends out the message, "If you cheat on me, I won't leave you so go right ahead and cheat as much as you want." It sets up her husband to fail. It puts the husband in a position of control over the relationship -- which the adulterous spouse should NEVER have. It means the adulterous spouse will lose respect for their wife because he sees that she is willing to just sit there and take it.

Qtpie, I hope you're husband does decide to put forth some effort to keep you. From all you've said so far, he's refusing to do even the most obvious of things. Don't spend a lifetime waiting around for him to change. Either he changes in the immediate future or he doesn't. It's up to him. So far, it sounds like he's unwilling to do enough to make it all up to you. He's got to do better and do it really soon or he's just wasting your time.

As always, our prayers are with you.

[qtpie09]

Wow...seems like there has been a lot of great discussion going on in the past several days. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. I have taken so much valuable information away from these recent posts.

Today my thoughts have been around the amazing healing that comes from the repentance process. I feel that the healing power of the Atonement is not only for the wayward spouse who has humbled themselves enough to commit to the repentance process, but also for the spouse that has been cheated on. The healing for that person comes from seeing their wayward spouse make the necessary changes to truly repent, by seeing them draw nearer to the Lord, and by feeling the spirit flow into the marriage because you are both on the same path toward righteousness. Also healing comes from feeling the wayward spouse is sincere in their efforts and from the ACTIONS that must accompany the promises that are made to never again stray from the marriage. Without this process, neither spouse can truly heal from the pain that has been caused.

No.....my husband has not shown any desire to commit to our marriage and has not humbled himself to the point to visit with the bishop about what has happened, thus shunning the repentance process--but that doesn't mean it will never happen. The question is, IF it happens will it be too late? The more I become self reliant and feel my self esteem rise, the more I know I am worth more from my spouse than what he is providing or has provided in the past. I know that if he decides to not truly repent for his sins, I must move on. As time goes on, it becomes easier and easier to invision my life without him. Healing for me right now is time, counselling, and spiritual guidance. Am I handling this WAY different than anyone else would? Sure. Do I look like I am allowing myself to be a "doormat" for him? Sure. We are all different and nobody truly knows what they would do in a situation like this until it happens to them. I used to always say that if my husband cheated on me, I would be gone in a heartbeat. But what I am finding is that I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life. I would have always wondered if he would have "come around" and been willing to repair our marriage. Now that I have spent many months giving him a chance and seeing that he is still unwilling to change, that's where my healing begins and I am slowly feeling myself fall out of love. There is pain with either decision, but I feel I have made the decisions that have been best for me--maybe not the best decisions based on what others want for me though.

Whatever it's worth, I feel I am learning valuable lessons that I will cherish for all eternity and are molding me into the person and spouse I want to be. :)

[Faded]

Wow...seems like there has been a lot of great discussion going on in the past several days. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. I have taken so much valuable information away from these recent posts.

Today my thoughts have been around the amazing healing that comes from the repentance process. I feel that the healing power of the Atonement is not only for the wayward spouse who has humbled themselves enough to commit to the repentance process, but also for the spouse that has been cheated on. The healing for that person comes from seeing their wayward spouse make the necessary changes to truly repent, by seeing them draw nearer to the Lord, and by feeling the spirit flow into the marriage because you are both on the same path toward righteousness. Also healing comes from feeling the wayward spouse is sincere in their efforts and from the ACTIONS that must accompany the promises that are made to never again stray from the marriage. Without this process, neither spouse can truly heal from the pain that has been caused.

No.....my husband has not shown any desire to commit to our marriage and has not humbled himself to the point to visit with the bishop about what has happened, thus shunning the repentance process--but that doesn't mean it will never happen. The question is, IF it happens will it be too late? The more I become self reliant and feel my self esteem rise, the more I know I am worth more from my spouse than what he is providing or has provided in the past. I know that if he decides to not truly repent for his sins, I must move on. As time goes on, it becomes easier and easier to invision my life without him. Healing for me right now is time, counselling, and spiritual guidance. Am I handling this WAY different than anyone else would? Sure. Do I look like I am allowing myself to be a "doormat" for him? Sure. We are all different and nobody truly knows what they would do in a situation like this until it happens to them. I used to always say that if my husband cheated on me, I would be gone in a heartbeat. But what I am finding is that I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life. I would have always wondered if he would have "come around" and been willing to repair our marriage. Now that I have spent many months giving him a chance and seeing that he is still unwilling to change, that's where my healing begins and I am slowly feeling myself fall out of love. There is pain with either decision, but I feel I have made the decisions that have been best for me--maybe not the best decisions based on what others want for me though.

Whatever it's worth, I feel I am learning valuable lessons that I will cherish for all eternity and are molding me into the person and spouse I want to be. :)

There is a TON of good things to say for the way you went about it -- that is giving him every opportunity to change. That put the burden of sinking or saving the marriage squarely upon his shoulders where it belongs. Nobody can say you didn't try.

I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are not experiencing. Our Heavenly Father created us to grow together, and that bond goes deeper than most people would ever imagine. Severing that bond is a slow and painful process -- one that I worried I would have to go through myself. That was a terrifying prospect, and I'm very sorry for you. But I know exactly what you say about the Atonement. It carries you through and gives you strength and insight where I know I ought to have been an emotional wreck.

Hang in there and remember you are in our prayers!

[Earthymama82]

There is a TON of good things to say for the way you went about it -- that is giving him every opportunity to change. That put the burden of sinking or saving the marriage squarely upon his shoulders where it belongs. Nobody can say you didn't try.

I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are not experiencing. Our Heavenly Father created us to grow together, and that bond goes deeper than most people would ever imagine. Severing that bond is a slow and painful process -- one that I worried I would have to go through myself. That was a terrifying prospect, and I'm very sorry for you. But I know exactly what you say about the Atonement. It carries you through and gives you strength and insight where I know I ought to have been an emotional wreck.

Hang in there and remember you are in our prayers!

Amen.

[jolee65]

Well,.I read only your post I know that everyone has given you great advise. I can understand you not wanting to get back in the dating scene but thats just because your not ready, you are only 29 and you may feel older but you have been growing very quickly just because of the emotional rollcoaster you have been on, you age emotionally and you grow. Just think the next guy better be on his toes when he thinks hes going to approach you with some lame come on,.....lol

Well come the change the Lord is prepairing you for something big...:)