Infidelity resulting in pregnancy


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you've posted on my thread a few times, so I thought I'd come visit you on yours.

When I first found out my husband was cheating, I thought that was it, our marriage had been too bad for too long, and I couldn't take this one more thing. The bishop said that decision was not mine; I had to go to the Lord. He promised that if I asked the Lord with an open heart, I would know what to do, and the Lord would carry me through whatever came.

We've had some good days, and some bad ones. I've had conversations with him when I felt like we were finally going to make it, and then when I thought about it later, I thought there wasn't any substance or hope in what was said. I don't know what will come of all this. I hope we will make it, but the guidance I received from the Lord didn't come with any guarantees.

So that's my advice to you. This is too much of a burden for any person to bear. Let the Lord bear it for you. I know how much it hurts, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's been a huge comfort to hear from someone who is going through a situation so similar to mine, and I hope that I can give some of that strength and comfort back to you. You deserve way better than this.

God be with you.

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I hope we will make it, but the guidance I received from the Lord didn't come with any guarantees.

Oh, but the Lord does give us guarantees or otherwise why would anyone stay for just a rare chance that their spouse will change, for they rarely do til the next life. It's too painful to stay in there for long without guarantees that your spouse will repent someday, in this life or the next & you will have & he will be all you ever dreamed of & much more. If the righteous spouse wasn't promised their errant spouse will be theirs forever as long as the righteous spouse stays faithful to his/her marriage covenants then all the pain & sacrifce for an errant spouse would not be worth it.

Thankfully the Prophets have given us ample guarantees to our spouse. It's completely our choice if we want to do what it takes to have our spouse for eternity or not.

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Sorry, I should clarify. The impression I received from the Lord was that it was not yet time to decide whether to stay in this marriage, that there was more I needed to do before I could "stand blameless" so to speak (not with regards to the affair, of course, but I certainly had my part in the previous marital problems) and that I needed to give my husband the opportunity to repent and reconcile. I was not guaranteed that this marriage is going to make it. I will continue to pray and seek guidance in the temple on this matter.

The Lord has many guarantees for us, that no matter how difficult things seem in the here and now, the Lord's eternal plan and guarantee is that if we keep His commandments, we will have eternal joy. He doesn't guarantee whether our loved ones will partake of that joy; that is their choice. I just meant that we need to follow the Lord's guidance, even if we can't see what's ahead.

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I realize how you feel & that is how most people look at troubled marriages, that the marriages survival is based upon both spouses being righteous. But that is not necessarily the truth. For in most marriages at least one spouse is abusive & unfaithful in some way & stays that way their whole life , it has been this way for 6000 years but today up to 50% or more of marriages are spliting up because of this reality.

But it's very important that we know the power a faithful spouse has & understands the little known fact that a righteous spouse can save their unrighteous spouse. The Prophets have been very clear on this. But of course the unrighteous spouse will eventually have to repent & pay for their sins in the next life (and they all will) before they are cleansed & ready to be able to come into the Celestial Kingdom IF their righteous spouse still wants them. Otherwise they will have to go the lesser kingdom that they deserve. But a righteous spouse will have the choice & power to call them forth to them if they want. That's their reward for enduring the unrighteousness of their spouse. True Love really does conquer all, even the chains of the adversary.

If a righteous spouse stays & sacrifices for & loves an unrighteous spouse & endures the suffering because of their spouses sins, rather than going on to find someone new, then the reward for that is they are yours forever & your sealing & righteousness can bring them into the Cel. Kingdom to be with you forever. And they will be the humble faithful greatful, repentant & loving spouse you always wished they were. Few people realize how powerful the sealing power is if just one will stay faithful & save the whole family. Many spouses do stay faithful & endure to the end in painful marriages because they know this will be their reward & they want to save their spouse & children together as a family. Our righteousness & faitthfulness to our marriage covenants brings huge blessings.

It's impossible for an unrighteous spouse to get away from a faithful spouse or divorce or remarry, though the world will allow it God will not honor it & it & it's just adultery. Only a faithful spouse can decide if the marriage is over or not.

Edited by foreverafter
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  • 5 weeks later...

Well it's been forever since I've given an update, so I thought I would let you all know what's going on. I am finally going through with the divorce process. I figure it's not much different than what I've been living for the past will just be on paper now. I am tired of giving, tired of waiting, tired of feeling tired...I'm just done. I thought a huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders after making this decision, but my feelings are just as raw as when my husband first left me. Maybe that will soon change now that I have no hopes or dreams left of him coming home and humbling himself enough to follow the repentance process. I am just sad that someone I loved and thought I knew has changed into such a sad person, leading such a sad and pathetic life with no desire to change. Who knows if I will ever be able to love again...or trust again... but I don't see it happening. I was innocent before he came into my life, now I feel used and jaded. So, now it's on to the divorced life...not "single", not "married", not "in a relationship"......"DIVORCED/unwanted"...ugh....i need some chocolate :-)

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I know your hurt and sad and angry and every other emotion under the sun but you ARE NOT UNWANTED!! You are wanted and loved by Heavenly Father and by all those who have and will continue to stand by you. Things will change for you and you will be different because this has changed you but you will be stronger. Im sure that you will be able to trust again in time as well. Lean on those who stand by you and love you and rely on Him to give you peace and solace.

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Oh Qtpie, I am so sorry to hear that. While it sounds like it was the right thing for the two of you to do it still is a terrible thing to have to go through. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me. I have not gone through a divorce but I am a good listener. And I have chocolate I can share, seriously a stack of European chocolate on top of my fridge, dark, milk chocolate, and dark with orange.

Like breezygirl said you are wanted by Heavenly Father, he loves you and wants the best for you. Turn to him in this time of trial and he will help you. Besides him, please know that Faded and I worry and wonder about you, we keep you in our prayers. As I said above if you ever need to talk send me a message. I know we can only help through this virtual world here but we do care about you. *Gives you a big hug*

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Well it's been forever since I've given an update, so I thought I would let you all know what's going on. I am finally going through with the divorce process. I figure it's not much different than what I've been living for the past will just be on paper now. I am tired of giving, tired of waiting, tired of feeling tired...I'm just done. I thought a huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders after making this decision, but my feelings are just as raw as when my husband first left me. Maybe that will soon change now that I have no hopes or dreams left of him coming home and humbling himself enough to follow the repentance process. I am just sad that someone I loved and thought I knew has changed into such a sad person, leading such a sad and pathetic life with no desire to change. Who knows if I will ever be able to love again...or trust again... but I don't see it happening. I was innocent before he came into my life, now I feel used and jaded. So, now it's on to the divorced life...not "single", not "married", not "in a relationship"......"DIVORCED/unwanted"...ugh....i need some chocolate :-)

qutiepie, I think you're making the right call. It's not easy, and that's the understatement of understatements.

The whole thing was setting up to end one of two ways. You were going to hang onto the marriage until he divorced you, or you were going to divorce him. The person calling for the final end of the marriage ends up with an emotional advantage, and don't ask me why this is. But I think that you deserved to come out with at least that much. I've been hoping for you that you would a least get that small measure of advantage and closure from the situation, ever since it became very clear that your husband was not going to change his ways. At least you can now have, "I divorced him" on your dating resume, which for some reason makes you better and stronger in the minds of those who find out that you're divorced.

Divorced -- now that's a pool of people that's a lot bigger than you seem to think. It's far from hopeless. I know it's a sad way for things to end up, but that was not your choice. It was his.

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Sorry to hear of the upcoming divorce, but clearly you've thought this through and done all you can do. I guess if it's any consolation, you can be happy in the thought that now the OW gets the lying, cheating SOB. I guess she figures he'll be faithful to her. FAT CHANCE. Anyway, that was what I thought about in my more vindictive moments, when I thought my marriage was dead, and H and OW had killed it. I imagined him leaving me for her, then putting OW through the hell that he put me through. Your husband and his creep girlfriend deserve each other. You deserve way better. I guess that's not a very Christlike attitude. I hope you're also able to forgive and heal in the months or years to come. Take care of yourself. I'll be praying for you.

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So, now it's on to the divorced life...not "single", not "married", not "in a relationship"......"DIVORCED/unwanted"...ugh....i need some chocolate :-)

Dear sweet sister ... never ever feel that you are unwanted or unloved. You have been through a horror in your life and have come out the other end following the Saviors counsel to endure to the end and do it well. What a wonderful thing. Not the trail but the result. You have not been diminished by this but have grown and learned. You will love again .... never fear. For now put this behind you, move on and learn to walk your own path and be the daughter of God you were born to be. My heart hurts for you but it also is full of love and hope. In all the times of trial in my life it seems the music of the church has been a strength for me so here's another one for you ... this one I have loved since I was able to serve the young women of the church.

Walk Tall

(Your A Daughter Of God)

words and music by Jamie Glenn


Right now I have a prayer deep within my heart,

A prayer for each of you there is a special part.

That you remember who you are and him who lives above.

Please seek for him and live his way; You'll feel his love.

Long before the time you can remember,

Our Father held you in his arms so tender.

Those loving arms released you as he sent you down to earth.

He said, "My child, I love you. Don't forget your great worth."

This life on earth we knew would not be easy.

At times we lose our way his path we may not see.

But remember always that you are not alone.

He'll take your hand, He loves you! He will guide you home.

Walk tall, you're a daughter, a child of God,

Be strong and remember who you are,

Try to understand, you're part of his great plan.

He's closer than you know, Reach up; he'll take your hand.

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Oh Qtpie, I just now read through your whole story and my heart just breaks for you. I relate in so many ways to both you and your husband. I have been SO selfish in my marriage, and when I think that I have put my poor husband through the kind of pain you're experiencing, it makes me sick. I am to the point where I understand what foreverafter is talking about when she says, (paraphrasing) it is up to the righteous spouse, whether or not they want the relationship and marriage to stay intact. I realize that after years of abusive behavior he has endured enough and deserves some happiness, even if that means happiness with someone else. I feel peace and contentment in knowing that I can still be sealed to him, and he can go be sealed to someone else too and be happier with them than he was or ever will be with me.

Of course, that is his decision to make.

Your husband, from what I can tell, is not at the place where I am, as far as understanding the anguish he has caused you or feeling remorse or a desire for restitution. But I am sure that someday he will be - maybe not for a thousand years, but someday. But I think, for today, you are doing the right thing for both of you by leaving.

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I hope everything works out for you, and I offer you my prayers. This story yet again proves to me the importance of staying strong in the gospel. Do everything in your power to try to rescue your lost relationship, but don't compomise your integrity, morals and self-worth.

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Again I have to thank everyone for their amazing support. *HUGS* I only hope that by posting my story, I am able to help others who may be experiencing a similar situation. Are there days when this feels like it's the end of all hope? Heck yeah! But I know I am making the healthiest decision for myself, mentally and spiritually. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone else, you can't lose sight of who you are as a person and you can't let go of what makes you love yourself. Also, I have learned to let the Savior in my life ---it's not a sign of weakness to turn to someone else for help, we can't do it all, we can't bear it all. I have been blessed with the Gospel in my life and I will never again take it for granted. I never thought I would be so low that the Gospel literally was ALL I had to turn to, but I will tell you that my testimony has grown exponentially over this past year because I have been lifted up from the lowest point I've ever been.

Yep, it's been almost a year since my husband left (Memorial Day 2008), and it's a bit ironic that his child with this other woman will be due about the same time he left. It seems unfair that he has something to hold on to to help him move forward, when he is the one that has left me with nothing....yanked the rug out from under me, watched me fall on my face, kicked me around a bit (not in the literal sense) and now he's saying "why can't you get up and move on?" I know I will be in a better place emotionally, physically, and spiritually soon...but i'm pretty banged up and bruised and getting up to move on is a bit rough. I lost my patriachal blessing years back (yes, years) but I have put in a request to get a copy sent to me. It's been so long, I don't really remember what it says...I can't wait to read it. I'm ready to get on track to living righteously so I can gain those blessings promised to me. Only because I love him so deeply, do I pray that I will be an inspiration to my husband so that he will see the happiness that comes from living righteously and will want the same for him and his son. I am not holding on to us ever being together again, but I do care for him and hope for his happiness. That's all we ever wanted for each other...happiness. :) I'll update you all soon. Til then, you are all in my prayers!

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  • 3 months later...

Hi friends!

It's been a rough several month and I have to be honest and say that I'm emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. But I want to reach out and give an update, hopefully helping anyone out there who is enduring similar trials.

Since my last update, my husband's son has been born. He's 2 months old. I haven't seen him except for a picture that was sent to my phone after I asked "how could you leave me and our life?" My husband's words, just a single picture of his 2 week old son. After that, i understood. This child didn't ask to be brought into this world under these circumstances. The complicated life of having to grow up with a mother, a father, and dad's wife (who he was married to for 5 years before you were born) is too much to comprehend as an adult, let alone have that be a child's reality. Emotionally I had prepared myself to be a positive role model and second mother to his child, but that was selfish of me to even dream of. That path would have been draining and unfulfilling for me as a woman and I see that now. But it still hurts to think that he chose to leave me, instead of giving us that chance.

I have so many mixed emotions and feelings about what is going on. Many will say that i shouldn't worry about his life and his choices anymore. But I still struggle to let go. I don't believe my husband has to be with this other woman just because she fathered his child. He says he is with her because he can't see another man coming into her life and raising his son. He says he doesn't love her and is only with her out of obligation, but it doesn't make sense. How is that giving his son a good life? Isn't it better to have the child grow up knowing that his mother and father are not together, than it is to live a lie and create a false reality for the kid only to split up 10 years later because you never loved his mother? I guess it's not my place to care anymore, but I do. I care not only for his child, but I care for my husband. Despite everything, I still love him and want him to be happy.

Today I am struggling with more pain that has come from this situation. My (soon to be ex) husband has never been active in the church throughout our marriage. He knows that my dream was for us to be sealed in the temple. That was always his promise to me, that he would go back to church and we would be sealed...but there was always an excuse... work, too tired from work, other obligations, etc. When i found out about his cheating and that a baby was on the way, he refused to talk to the Bishop and shunned any spiritual councel, even conference talks and scripture excerpts. Now, he tells me that she is taking the missionary discussions and they are reading scriptures every night. He is going to see the Bishop to start the repentance process and wants to change his life for his "new family". I am ashamed to say it, but I don't want him to become a better person for her. I have been the one who has gone through 7 years of struggles and have stood by his side and given anything and everything of myself. I've been the one who has been a good example and a loving wife, all the while waiting for him to be "ready" to become active and take me to the temple. Why wasn't I good enough for him to want to seek the blessings of the Gospel? Why was he such a coward that he had to wait until we were divorced to go see the Bishop? I know it's because it's easier for him now. He doesn't have to face me and put any effort into reconciling our marriage. It just hurts that i wasn't good enough for him to fight for and put effort into. i guess what I am struggling with is how to not feel resentment for something that i know is a good thing for his life. I've always wanted him to become stronger in the Gospel because I saw his potential and I saw that he was always fighting temptations of the world. I know that the stronger he becomes in the Gospel, the stronger he will be to fight those temptations. He is going to be an amazing father. I know that with all my heart. That's a huge reason I married him. I also know that once equipped with the right tools and the right mindset, he will be an amazing spouse. I experienced a good life with him, but I know it could have been amazing with the Gospel in our lives. The pain I feel today is that i will never experience that life I dreamed of with him and that someone else will. I gave up so many years of my life and will receive nothing in return. I hate myself for not wanting her to learn the gospel and for him to hurt her the way he hurt me. I hate that I'm that selfish.

i know i've spilled my guts here, but it's been a while. I am hanging on and hoping better things come my way soon. I turn 30 next month. I hope that's an opening to a better chapter of my life. I guess we'll see :)

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You are a loved, worthy person. Don't let this chump and his cowardly choices (to cheat) make you feel any less than that. Of course you're angry that he is using the faith to repent, when this is something you wanted, and he knows that. Why did he even tell you about this? Obviously he knew how you felt about it. He sounds like a mean, hurtful person. Sadistic even. I'll bet that given the right opportunity, he'd cheat on her with you, or someone else. You don't need him.

Your dreams will come true. Give it time. Cut him loose. Put your happiness ahead of his. You don't need that insanity as you are moving forward. Be THANKFUL you were never sealed to him! You will find a relationship that is honoring of your beliefs in time. Until then... take care of yourself! Do what makes you feel good and right. You are obviously a thoughtful person.

All the best... W2K

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I can't offer much advice (but will offer a cyber-hug and your choice of cyber-comfort food).

About my only guess is that either he's putting on a show (and I'm skeptical that Miss "intentionally got pregnant by a married man" is really that interested in a church that teaches strict morality), or that being aware he's responsible for another human life might have nudged him into growing up a bit (again, I doubt that, given his attitude toward the woman he made some serious promises to).

I agree with the theory that he'll most likely cheat on her, too (or she'll cheat on him). Either way, unless you really enjoy pain, you'd be much better off leaving these two sleazes in your past and move into your future.

Edited by Seanette
changing to reflect later posts
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my heart bleeds for you. my husband's son was born last night, and he stayed at the hospital with OW the whole time (30+hours). I was furious. I still think he shouldn't have gone. It took everything in me to calm down and be accepting and loving when he came home. I know he should care about this other child, but it is very painful for me to have a part of my husband still connected to OW. The child was premature, and H was pretty worried. Anyway, OC is stable, in NICU, but seems to be doing well for a premie.

I am so amazed by your compassion for your husband. My husband is genuinely trying to make things right, and I'm still seething with anger. I am regularly depressed, and have struggled in my own faith because my heart is so hard right now. I am also angry that he is so dedicated to this child, when he neglected me and my kids for so long, even though he isn't doing that to us anymore.

I agree that her pregancy is not a legitimate reason for him to break all the promises he made to you. She knew he was married. She knew what she was getting into, and maybe in the end this will be better for his son, but you are a person, too, and you count just as much as that child.

Have you joined the support group on this site for infidelity? That has been a tremendous help for me. You are a wonderful person. I know you're going to get through this. Thank you so much for this post. It was a great comfort to me during this very difficult time.

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Thank you to everyone. I hope I can continue to be of support to others. I feel I am experiencing this regardless of whether or not I want to be, so I want to learn as much as I can and also help as many people who may be in a similar struggle. My testimony of prayer is the greatest gift that I have received from this situation. Ask for strength and be faithful in gospel and there will be blessings. We may not see them or understand them immediately, but they will be there. :)

D&C section 58:3-4

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation."

“For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand."

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I having been going to councelling too, but it's hard because of course she is telling me to get out of this situation. I am looking into another councelor because I feel it's their job to give me guidance and insight on the psychology of this situation, not tell me what to do.

Dr. David Schnarch would completely agree. The counselor's role is not to tell you what to do. It's to help you in making YOUR decision.

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