Advice: Harboring Anger toward Spouse


Sequoia
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I'm new here! Before I found this forum, I was looking at counseling, but I don't know if I need it. This is my background.

I was to get a grad degree before my husband, soon after we married. He was offered an outstanding scholarship/stipend, so we were both going to grad school for a while. Then he asked me not to go due to the stress of having me in school and having a couple of little ones.

He PROMISED me, I could go as soon as he graduated.

He was hired before he finished his doctorate with a demanding job and continued upon graduating. I had a trust fund for grad school for me. Money was not an issue. But he would not support in any way, my going to school due to his job. He didn't want to be responsible for the kids on his time to wind down from work.

I talked about a babysitter, but due to issues with our kids (they are high functioning autistic children), we both didn't feel comfortable. I looked to going Saturday mornings. I looked to go once a week. (Online learning wasn't available.)

For 8 years, I bugged him. My college trust fund expired (use it or lose it policy). I tried tnot to worry, since we were doing okay (not fabulous, but ok) with funds.

Then we moved. And I thought a fresh start might work. Well, his job became more demanding, and medical bills from kids came in...and came in. (They are ongoing with them. Autism related).

So finally he said I could goto grad school, but it had to be a non-demanding degree. So I went and got a Master's in Education. He knew I had no intentions on settling with this major, since it wasn't the field I wanted. But it was a quick (2 years) and easy degree program compared to the others I wanted. I talked to him about taking out a student loan, even though we had cash for tuition, to apply to the many, many medical bills we had (about $30,000). We both decided that would be great, since the interest was so low and it would save our credit score.

I worked a serious education job (12 hrs/day - 6 days/week). Never had my heart into it, since I wasn't really into the idea or field of education. It was demanding, and I was able to work while I was in school. My hours toward family were little, and he had taken over our bills for me. I always kept track of our finances before. So if I asked him if we had money for something, the answer was always "Yep." At one point I saw that some medical bills weren't paid off and questioned him. I told him to put all of the loan money to the bills.

Years later, we moved. Our oldest went to college. I was getting excited, since I could finally go and get my own degree. It has been tough raising kids on the Autism Spectrum, so I finally felt that I could start thinking of myself.

I started looking over the finances, and Then I found out. The $30,000 student loan was never applied to the $30,000 medical bills! It had been frittered away while I had been working and put him in charge. With our medical bills and now this gigantic student loan, we were/are $60,000 in debt. There is even more to it, in that he didn't put any money in our kids college funds, so now we are very short there too.

When I asked him about it, he said that he was always afraid that we would need that money. He wanted to keep it available. I told him that it had to go for what we said, or it'd be wasted, which it was. He actually understands now, and feels better that I'm in charge again of the finances.

I'm looking at the mess wondering how long it will take us to get out of this debt. $60,000 while kids are leaving to college with little to no funds for them.

And I'm angry that I never was able to use my education trust fund, due to him. And now I have a huge student loan I think will take 5-10 years for me to pay off. I'm depressed too. I feel like I'm trapped with kids leaving and no options for my dreams. I never wanted to go in the education field. I had a lot of teaching helping my own kids, and I don't care for the administration.

I feel like I gave up everything for our 21 years of marriage for him and the kids, and he took every option I had to look forward to. I have been internet surfing my time away for a couple weeks. I don't want to even leave the bed or shower. Yes, I'm depressed! When I'm not depressed, I'm angry at him. All the time, I feel trapped and helplessly in debt.

Other than this, he has been a perfect husband. No one at church/family/neighbors would ever believe all this occurred, and knowing he is so happy and helpful to our family and community, they'd think I was being selfish. I KNOW he has a demanding job. I KNOW he is a great guy. But just when I thought it was my turn, I found out I might never have one.

Please help me, so I can get rid of the anger and depression. I recognize it, but I can't justify more bills from counseling at this point. I also think I just need a good friend (or forum) I can throw this out to, and hear what I need to, to move forward again.

Thanks in advance

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Advise from friends and family or well-intended forum members is never a substitute for professional intervention. Your marriage and your future are at stake here so I would suggest not to treat these issues lightly. More families and marriages are destroyed over finances than infidelity.

These are issues that have festered under the surface for a decade or more. You both skirted the underlying caused of the the problems and treated the pain with tylenol, so to speak, when it needed medical attention. Failure to treat these issues with less than full intent and care can be catastrophic.

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Okay so this is going to be really lame advice since it will not be specific at all. But I am currently reading The Peacegiver and I've already decided that I'm giong to put all my other books on hold just so I can reread this one with a highlighter and a notebook to jot down things that stand out to me or impact me in some way. And there is a LOT. The books centers around a struggling couple in the LDS church, and it creates parables between situations like that and old stories such as jonah and the whale. It's AMAZING!!! I highly recommend it for your situation.

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What you do now is up to you - its your choice to look backwards and be miserable or decide a new path for yourself. I know its frustrating when life doesn't go as planned, whether or not you want to work at your marriage is upto you, but if you don't forgive and forget, and make your own plans it really will mess your life up, no one elses.

Maybe look for something you can do without a degree or take the time to study something you enjoy, without necessarily getting a degree, I am guessing you now have the tools to learn as you have previous study. Or you could start an internet business, is their a craft you enjoy,. Have you had a blessing?

Illness robbed me of my life goals, I have no qualifications but personally I cannot look at my children and think I am achieving nothing in my life, I have 2 great kids, whatever else I do will never compare to that. At 32 I am too old to do my intial goal was planning on being a Forensic Anthropologist. -I need to find new goals as well, not as lofty as Forensic Anthrolpogy or Particle Physics but I am thinking of training as a Doula or Relaxation Therapist, but will have to be done slowly because of finances and childrene

Have you read anything on Buddhism or even the Christian Ideal of the idea that the moment in which we lie is eternal what is past has gone and what is future is yet to come and can you meditate? Tomorrow if you can get up early have a shower, go for a walk somewhere take your scriptures, pray, and don;t forget the Lord

-Charley

Edited by Elgama
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Anger is an interesting emotion. It can be our best friend as it alerts us to injustice and violation or it can be our worst enemy as it keeps us trapped in a destructive headspace.

I don't know what these events happened the way they did. Maybe the details don't matter as much as the reasons why. There is no doubt in my mind that these issues need to be addressed.....in healthy and productive and forward thinking ways.

Stuff happens to all us. Things don't happen how we expect or someone we love makes a mistake or a series of them that dampen our hopes or delay our path. Perhaps this is a gift in disguise for both of you. You wanted to continue your education.....well, this problem is perhaps here to give you one of a different kind. Perhaps this is a time for you to learn how to deal properly with disappointment. Or maybe it is to learn lessons of forgiveness. Maybe one day you will look back and be grateful that you didn't get what you wanted at the moment you wanted it.

Depression is sometimes anger turned inward. Perhaps you feel powerless.....like your husband has control over your happiness or that his choices have stolen this dream from you. Those are real and valid emotions. But all is not lost. Perhaps you need to set yourself free from that idea and look toward self empowerment for how and why you feel happy and fulfilled. Where God closes a door, He opens a window. So.....look for the window and forgive your husband for shutting the door in your face! Even if he lied....even if he blew it in every single way a husband can blow it! And then get on with the work of processing the mistakes and discovering the reasons why and how you and your husband can work together FOR each other and the health of the marriage in the future.

I think it helps to get angry feelings out. Journal or vent to a good friend. Even better if your spouse could hear you and listen fairly to your emotions -- something you can communicate in calm kindness and gentle honesty. Once you deal with the emotion by giving it validation, you can then move on to what you will do now. You can mourn your losses and look for solutions.

Live in today. Listen to the anger and then let it go. Accept the circumstances today. Look for the back handed blessings. And then onward and upward.

Best wishes.

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Okay so this is going to be really lame advice since it will not be specific at all. But I am currently reading The Peacegiver and I've already decided that I'm giong to put all my other books on hold just so I can reread this one with a highlighter and a notebook to jot down things that stand out to me or impact me in some way. And there is a LOT. The books centers around a struggling couple in the LDS church, and it creates parables between situations like that and old stories such as jonah and the whale. It's AMAZING!!! I highly recommend it for your situation.

The Peacegiver is a parable that teaches us different perspectives about forgiveness.

I loved it.

applepansy

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Elgama and MissHalfway said a lot of what I was going to say.

Some of what you describe I've been through in my 32 year marriage. There have been times when I felt my life, my education, my health have been stolen from me. Sometimes its been as a direct result of a less than perfect decision my husband has made. (he gave away $15,000 after I said no and that's not the worst of it) Sometimes its inlaws (lately its inlaws) stirring up trouble. Sometimes its been just life happening.

I've learned that to have peace of mind I have to live in the present, forgive the past, and work to make tomorrow better. The very first place I go is to my Heavenly Father. I take all the time I need to explain and then listen for answers. Sometimes this takes days, weeks. . . however long. Only then do I deal head on with others, including and most especially my husband. My hardest job is not letting my husband sweep the problem under the closest rug. . .but to bring it out and really deal with it once and for all.

Men and women problem solve in different ways. Communication is essential.

What I wish I had known 32 years ago. . . . I'd have been the wicked witch of the west and east for the first year we were married, hoping that then boundaries and expectations were set. Never to be dealt with again. . . HOWEVER . . . and its a big however, I realize that even if I'd set boundaries and expectations years ago, life happens and changes it all. So while I wish I could go back and do things a bit differently, it wouldn't have changed that we have struggles and trials in our relationships.

We learn and grow through our trials. Without trials there is no growth. Grieve for what you've lost then let it go. Set and work toward new goals. After discussing and agreeing on a plan of action with your husband, hold him to it. If it needs to be in writing. . .write it and both of you sign. Then remember one thing -- Life changes. And it will change again and again. The key here is to become equal partners and to discuss changes and plans together.

Always invite the Lord part of the process.

applepansy

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Islander, I agree that counseling is a good idea.

However, in my situation, if I'd spent more money on counseling we'd have been further in debt, thus increasing the problems instead of fixing them. Every situation is different, every couple is different. . .if you can talk openly and problem solve together about other things you can do it about finances too. You just have to both be committed to fixing things and brutally honest without taking offense.

Sequoia, Talk to your Bishop. Explain the issues. If necessary, one or two session with a counselor maybe all you need to get you started on the right path. What I found from two sessions I went to was that I had the tools and the creativity to solve my own problems. I didn't need or even want the suggestions I was getting from the counselor.

applepansy

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Your marriage and your future are at stake here so I would suggest not to treat these issues lightly.

ISLANDER: Thanks for restating the thoughts I alluded to. I may need counseling since there are so many sides to this. Mainly, there is a trust issue. He never really lied to me other than telling me I could go back to school and leading me on that the money issue was being tracked and resolved. These are lies that are selfish in that they affect my life long-term and that of our family. It's shaken me, since he isn't usually a liar or even someone who stretches the truth. My trust is shaken, in that I can't tell if he'd do something like this again. Can I trust him so blindly again? I don't think so. I can't understand why it occurred at all, or why I wasn't clued in by him.

Why it occurred? I tell myself that he must have been overwhelmed with the finances and kids, since I was working and going to school. I tell myself that he obviously isn't as knowledgeable about finances as me. I tell myself he didn't want to let me or the kids down if some unknown thing may have occurred, I guess. The bottom line though is that it was irresponsible and sneaky, and he lied to me.

KIRAJO: I went to Meridian Magazine's site online and read several excerpts from that book. I need to soften my heart. He has owned up to his mistake, immediately even. I know he was grateful I'd be in charge of finances again. But somehow, his owning up isn't enough for me. I'm not sure what I expect or want from him at this point. I am still ticked off. It's going to cost all of us dearly, and I have no strategy yet. Times are so difficult everywhere. Still I will work harder on the forgiveness part.

I am guessing you now have the tools to learn as you have previous study. Or you could start an internet business, is their a craft you enjoy,. Have you had a blessing?

ELGAMA: Thanks for your very understanding and helpful post. It helps to know of someone else going through a similar situation. Your post reminded me that I do have my health, which I am grateful for. I do have some tools, although I am pretty apathetic about finding a drive to use any knowledge toward anything right now. I think in time, my mind will clear, and help me find that path. It's just overwhelming right now - adjustments for long-term debt, college for the kids, long-term plans for me, immediate medical concerns with kids, keeping a happy face on throughout.

I haven't received a blessing. Good point. I think I'm just still in shock and overwhelmed. Babysteps will work, started out by a blessing. I have to make some realistic and serious financial and academic/career plans. Step by step.

I think it helps to get angry feelings out. Journal or vent to a good friend. Even better if your spouse could hear you and listen fairly to your emotions -- something you can communicate in calm kindness and gentle honesty. Once you deal with the emotion by giving it validation, you can then move on to what you will do now. You can mourn your losses and look for solutions.

I so agree. That's why I appreciate everyone's validation of my feelings. I needed to hear that I wasn't crazy being so hurt. He has always been a wonderful person and a great partner, so seeing this was a shock to me and has really set me to try to find a new reality. Things aren't as I thought, so now what? Talking here helps tremendously.

My hardest job is not letting my husband sweep the problem under the closest rug. . .but to bring it out and really deal with it once and for all.

APPLEPANSY: I agree so much with you here. That is part of my problem. He acted like he was caught, so he's sorry, and now it's my job to deal with it - "sweeping it under the rug!" I've told him already that he has got to learn about finances, and I'm going to force him to do it with me. Seeing mountains of medical bills is scary, but running from them isn't the answer. Small payments. Also, I use Quicken, so he's going to have to use it. And I have a financial advisor....had...now I'm not sure what they'll say. I'll need to find one since we are in a new area. Can't imagine what that'll be like, but he'll go with me and hear our plan. I'm hoping at least, he'll join me on getting out of this mess.

As far as the in-laws, I had a very interesting situation over Christmas. They came and visited us from out of state. I found out while they were here...and said nothing in front of them! But later my husband said something about cutting back our finances drastically and they questioned him. I walked in and he made it sound like he and I were in a financial situation together. What they didn't know though was that I hadn't been doing them for years. I could tell from their looking at me that I was being considered as the main cause. I said nothing, but walked away. I could tell they were thinking that now that I'm not working, I've spent all of their son's salary frivolously. I wanted to say something, but what?

I'm grieving as you mentioned. I'm hoping through these posts, and hopefully some more, I'll find the gumption to get up and clean this mess. Strangely, he knows I'm depressed and struggling, and he is allowing me mourning time. He knows what he did.

Edited by Sequoia
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Has your husband acknowledged that he messed up?

Yes, he acknowledged it. He didn't understand that the money would disappear if it wasn't applied to what it was intended for. He also didn't understand the importance of paying bills and general expenses and keeping track of them. He doesn't seem to understand long term consequences.

As far as my education, I think he is believing that I'll magically make the debt disappear, then I can go. I am not sure how to do it. His confidence in me astounds me. I am thinking that shows how little he understood the long term consequences of messing up. I am thinking a good 10 years. I'll be 54/5.

In short, he's admitted it, but I don't know if he truly understands what he's done.

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Just wondering is there anything involving the knowledge you gained raising your autistic children and you education degree that you can use to build on? Maybe do some research etc Then the years you have spent won't feel wasted

By sounds of what you have written your husband is a decent guy thats been stupid, but I think he needs to pay the debt off and be aware of the finances with you.

-Charley

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You need to sit down and create a financial plan for the next few years, and MAKE your husband sit down with you. Not only does he need to understand where your money needs to go until this debt is paid off, but perhaps he will gain a better understanding of the depth of the situation if he sees it laid out in front of him.

Do you need to forgive him for his choices? Absolutely, but you need to make sure that he is no longer ignorant when it comes to your finances.

Perhaps a bit of insight on why he did what he did...sometimes it makes guys feel bad when their wives take care of the financial issues in the home, so when they get a chance to take the reigns like they think they are supposed to.....it takes everything short of bankruptcy to make them want to give up that or to admit they made a mistake. He probably knew he was having some problems for a while, but didn't want to admit to you that he needed help with something he thought was his responsibility.

Maybe having one person in charge of the money for a family works for some...but most couples need to work together on that. It might give him comfort to know that you still trust him to help with the money, but you will still be able to keep an eye on things.

Oh, and you do need some counseling. It's pretty hard to let go of the feeling that you've been shortchanged by your spouse. Don't feel bad about asking for help in that area, if you need it you need it. And if your bishop or other members of the church think it's you and not him, don't worry about it. You don't owe them any sort of proof that you didn't screw this up.

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The Plan of Salvation was not designed to be one without a few bumps in the road. We are here for excpierence, growth, and testing. Your trials are all part of that refiners fire to assist in that process. The righteous do however have some protection and blessings and their is a power working for their behalf. Sorrow and pain are not meant to consume us but rather to temper us. df

My counsel would be that you both reach an agreement on returning to the Basics. Hold Family Prayer, Scripture Reading, Pay Tithing, Family Home Evening, etc as well as put the family on a tight budget (which will also help your husband to understand his previous actions). You may want to talk in private with the Bishop for some help with a financial expert or other sources as required. Attend all meetings, and give the chance for the Spirit to mend your broken heart as well as work on your husband.

Edited by lilered
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Yes, he acknowledged it. He didn't understand that the money would disappear if it wasn't applied to what it was intended for. He also didn't understand the importance of paying bills and general expenses and keeping track of them. He doesn't seem to understand long term consequences.

As far as my education, I think he is believing that I'll magically make the debt disappear, then I can go. I am not sure how to do it. His confidence in me astounds me. I am thinking that shows how little he understood the long term consequences of messing up. I am thinking a good 10 years. I'll be 54/5.

In short, he's admitted it, but I don't know if he truly understands what he's done.

There have been more great replies and I agree with them all.

Having been in a similar situation with my husband I know two things:

1) Just taking over the bills without his involvement will only allow him to bury his head in the sand.

2) He needs to be honest with himself, you, and his parents. He can't allow them to see you as the one who made mistakes. That will only undermine their relationship with you, and you with them. Since he allowed them to know there were problems, he needs to make sure they know the whole story. Its not right that he leave them thinking you messed up. Go with him when he talks to his parents. Be partners.

I will repeat one things other have said because it is so very important. Do not take over the finances by yourself. Marriage is a partnership and your finances are part of that partnership. Make time. Find time. Insist that the both of you do the bills together. Both of you track your day-to-day spending. Be brutally honest about ever penny. Do whatever it takes to make this happen. You both will be happier and closer if you do.

Down the road as you work together, hiding nothing, you will find a way to make your dreams happen. You might even find that your dreams will change and you'll find fulfillment and happiness in other ways.

You are in my prayers,

applepansy

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Do not take over the finances by yourself.

I couldn't agree more. He needs to learn this stuff, and if you take over it may signal to him that you can't trust him or think he's stupid. Letting him have input says to him that even though he screwed up, you still think he can do it with some help.

Good luck, I know this must be hard.

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Just being the devils advocate for a minute:

Why is it so important that he learn to learn the finances? Many succesful marriages are ones where each of the spouses have and do certain marrriage choirs. An example: My wife knows how to can vegatables. I do not. I know how to fix the lawnmower, she does not.

As to the finances: As long as their is agreement on how the money is to be spent, and both follow the rules, then why is it so important for each to know the details. In my own marraige, my wife has handled the finances. She has and continues to do a great job. She likes doing it. I trust her. I on the other hand am happy to continue with this arrangement although I believe I could also do a good job. In fact, her feelings would be hurt if I even suggested taking over "her job". I always tell her when I write out a check. I give her the receipts when I charge something on a credit card or draw money out of the ATM. We always consult when a large purchase is going to be made or necessary. I never look in the checkbook, nor do I ever know what our savings or checking account balance is. Again, I trust her, she trusts me and we work together to manage our finances.

I fully understand and agree that he should know the depth of the problem and be a part of the plan to solve it. What I would like to understand is why he would have to know the detail of the expenses or other non essential information.

Edited by lilered
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That's exactly the point. There is NOT agreement on how the money is spent. Both parties are NOT following the rules.

So. . .Both need to be involved.

Gardening, canning, etc. are a big different. There is always a divisioin of chores in a marriage. But with finances one person can put the other in a very difficult position by not keeping promises and handling the money as agreed. Once that happens, then trust is lost. To gain it back both need to be involved.

applepansy

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Just wondering is there anything involving the knowledge you gained raising your autistic children and you education degree that you can use to build on? Maybe do some research etc Then the years you have spent won't feel wasted

Elgama, yes I can combine the two, and I actually have assisted with a private business of helping these kids over the years. Many parents meet my kids and see a similarity with things they are struggling with and have asked for help. Word of mouth spreads. My kids are still dependent on me quite a bit in some areas so even though I have to work I have to be available. This is part of the reason we were hoping for a transfer and move, so I wouldn't have to work so much. It seemed like a perfect season in life for me to go back to school. The worse thing would have been to miss a class. I am going to need to go back to work, but I have to find something flexible (hopefully) and that makes money, of course. :)

Perhaps a bit of insight on why he did what he did...sometimes it makes guys feel bad when their wives take care of the financial issues in the home, so when they get a chance to take the reigns like they think they are supposed to.....it takes everything short of bankruptcy to make them want to give up that or to admit they made a mistake. He probably knew he was having some problems for a while, but didn't want to admit to you that he needed help with something he thought was his responsibility.

RachelleDrew, I think this is exactly what happened. I think he didn't realize all I did and chose to help with the kids more and rationalize not putting the money where it was to go. I think then he realized he dug a hole (no money left) and didn't want to fess up. He never had a money issue before and was always supportive of my tracking it, asking me amounts to be spent on purchases he needed to make beforehand, sending me email receipts of expenses. He understood about my plans when times were tough and we seemed like a team, with me the lead. So I was really taken back that he didn't clue me in at all as to what he was/wasn't doing.

As long as their is agreement on how the money is to be spent, and both follow the rules, then why is it so important for each to know the details

.

Lilered, I'm glad you're playing devil's advocate. My emotions are a little too close to the situation for common sense/practical questions like this. In my strong, hurtful viewpoint, I want him to experience everything I'll be going through to dig us out, but practically speaking, that won't happen most likely. He will take a bigger part at least initially. I do want him to understand what he did, but he works crazy hours to give us the money to pull out of this, so I really don't know if it is realistic of me to want him to see every penny that is accounted for going to the debt that was created. It was very unavoidable, so I'm hurt and angry, but punishing him like I want to by rubbing his nose in it might not be what's right. I have always used Quicken to account for every penny we have had. I think if I get him to help update the Quicken in various ways (maybe he can be in charge of downloading our checking account expenses and adjust the debt amortizers regularly) he can realistically be a part of this in a more positive way.

There is NOT agreement on how the money is spent. Both parties are NOT following the rules.

Applepansy, I think I must have been clear somewhere, but we always, always were in agreement until I went to school and worked. He is not a spender at all. He is not a guy who has to have cool things but appreciates a simple life. I've never had problems in the past, and we had good financial discussions. I am a planner/detail person, so I naturally seemed to take this role when we first were married, especially with him going to school and working, while I was home. I never thought we'd be in this mess though, and I am in shock over it.

When I think of my schooling be non-existent, I'm hurt. I feel like he was being selfish beyond anything. But through the board, and through church services and prayer and scripture and reading the past few days, I'm beginning to realize that he was overwhelmed and my future schooling was not something he probably thought would be affected.

I also KNOW that he didn't realize the importance of tracking money. I mentioned Quicken, but there are many different ways of tracking money, and we talked about it. One we talked about was Home Budget Software for Household, Family & Personal Money Management through our bank. I was surprised when I found out he was using NOTHING to track them.

So, I do want to give an update. I am doing better, thanks to EVERYONE who has responded. I don't know why, but I really felt like I wasn't justified to feel so angry and upset. I first needed to hear that I was right to feel that way. I also needed to know it was okay to feel disappointed, depressed, and overwhelmed. Of course, I still am angry, upset, disappointed, depressed, and overwhelmed, but my heart is softening (thanks for helping me with this), and I am personally working on softening it more, so I can think clearly and move forward. Anger is the first thing I'm overcoming. It's coming only in waves now. And my depression is also. I can see his perspective more clearly. And I can't be too angry if he is taking total blame on this. I really feel like whatever I say on this he'll do, but I have to be careful to make him understand all of this and not push it too far (which my emotions are really wanting to do - payback).

I am moving forward a little too. I talked to my oldest who is in college. I am having her take out a student loan and work. Not a killer for a college student, but I never thought she'd have to take a loan out. My working prevented her from getting a scholarship, since she didn't know how to apply and has difficulty with directions and forms. She didn't think twice about it, and said she'd get to it tomorrow.

I am also reading two new books I bought to help me. One is called, "Odds are You're Going to be Exalted." It talks about grace and works. I need to have grace through all of this. And the other is called "Stumbling on Happiness" and is a very upbeat book written by a Harvard professor/psychologist. This book is even funny. He looks at what people think make them happy vs. what truly does. He talks about planning for future happiness and reminded me that my happiness is really up to me. Like that Lincoln quote, "People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Thanks again for all of the help. What a HUGE difference in healing time it has been for me. I am thinking that once I make a plan, I will post it and let you see the progress and how I come up with means of making an extra $60K while 3 kids will all be in college soon. Maybe I can inspire others to get out of debt through what I learn, while I can get suggestions at the same time.

Edited by Sequoia
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I'm glad things are going so much better. You're attitude is great.

One word of caution. Please, when you vent, do not vent to friends or family. Vent to a journal, vent to your Bishop, vent to a professional, but not friends or family. They will remember everything you say and it will negatively color their perception of your husband. They will not be there to see the changes, and how you two are working it out. And even if you tell them, and even if you say that life is good between you two now, they will STILL remember this and think of your husband as the guy who screwed up and ruined your dreams.

I, unfortunately, learned that the hard way.

PS: I'd love to see your plan. If I were in your shoes I'd have no idea how to go about fixing it!

Edited by ruthiechan
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Sequoia,

You said the $30,000 loan was to pay off medical bills which weren't paid off. Isn't that an example of there not being agreement? I didn't mean to imply that your husband is out buying toys, that was not my intention.

Between my husband and I (I track every penny, he tracks nothing) tracking expenses has been a source of contention. Doing our finances together has shown my husband the importance of tracking our bills, expenses and spending. By tracking together we've come to understand how important it is to be clear in our agreements and then to be very rigorous in our honesty with each other.

I'm glad you are starting to find peace.

applepansy

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