dashb78
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Let me give you some background so I can get some advice about a dating issue. First of all, I am addicted to masturbation and pornography and havebeen for over ten years. I went on a mission this way and one day broke down and told my mission president who, after talking with me and my stake president, said I should stay on my mission! Why? Thats another issue for another time. I told my bishop in my family ward and he just said I need to try to get over it and that I could still take the sacrament and serve in the church as a priamry teacher! Why? Again an issue for another time. I lied to my bishop and said I was cured so I could see a famly I am very close to get sealed in the temple. Since then I have basically kept up the lie. I have now and have always in the past tried to cure myself of these addictions but to no avail. Anyway, recently I started dating this girl. She is very nice and accepts me as I am. I have told her everything and when she said she was ok with it as long as I was trying to get better I felt a tug of war of feelings. I felt happy that she accepted me as I am but confused and dissapointed in her. Telling her the truth was kind of a way for me to say I didn't think we were meant to be and we should go our separate ways. I have been praying about this relationship asking if she is the one or if she and I are right for each other. I have only felt confusion and the same tug of war of feelings on the subject. But more and more lately I have begun to wonder if the doubts and the confusion were my answers and that I should break up with her. I also wonder if thats just me and those doubts are just obstacles to overcome. I also wonderif Satan is placing those doubts there or exaggerating the reality of the doubts and issues with this girl to stop me from being happy. It also could just be me. Those addictions could be the reason why I am unsure about my relationship. Pros about this girl are that she is funny, likes me for me (actually I think she loves me but she hasn't said), cooks well, makes me feel less lonely, makes me feel like I am doing something with my life. Cons: She is not physically attractive (that could be due to the addictions of masturbation and porno), she likes things that I don't like, she hates things that I like i.e. food, music, movies, school subjects, political views etc, she is too passive about my problems and therefore doesn't necessaraly care if I change, too passive about me saying that I wasn't totally sure we should be together, not as strong in the church as I would like and need. These are just some of the things I can list right now. I asked my brother and he said to end the relationship now before it gets to invovled emotionally. I said I am not sure about that. I am scared. What if she is the one and I lose her forever? However, what if she isn't and I am stuck in a relationship I don't want to be in? So please can someone help me out here.

Has God answered me already and I missed something? Has Satan used these doubts and issues to stop me from being happy? Have my addictions and my life experiences affected my personality and have I just been reacting normally to the issues with this relationship? Which is it? Is she the one? How do I know? If she isn't what now? If she is what now?

Thank you in advance for the advice and have a great one,

Doubter.

Edited by dashb78
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Man, I feel your pain.

The hard truth is that, while you're addicted to pornography and masturbation, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. You cannot, in good conscience, marry a woman while addicted to either. It is somewhat incredible that, when you admitted your addictions to your mission president and other authorities, they didn't react in a stronger way! However, I have a roommate that experienced the exact same thing from his mission president, so it's not unique.

It seems you're not in love with this girl, as in your details of the pros about her, you didn't list 'I love her'. It is the brutal reality of addiction (especially pornography) that it interferes with a person's ability to create and sustain healthy, interpersonal relationships. Breaking a pornography/masturbation addiction is hard enough; the temptation and enticement of a romantic relationship increase the difficulty.

President Kimball said that the idea that 'every person has a soul mate' is blasphemous. This girl is not the only fish in the sea. And, if you are one of the rare exceptions to the no-soul-mate rule (i.e., she is your soul mate) then breaking off the relationship so you can fix your own morality will not affect whether you will be together with her in the long run.

Addiction is serious, and pornographic and masturbatory addictions are particularly hard to overcome. I've heard it said that breaking an addiction to pornography is more difficult than breaking an addiction to hard drugs. You'll need all your energy.

Have you talked to your bishop recently about your addictions, and how you are doing at breaking them? Most stakes have 12-step addiction recovery groups that meet regularly. I've attended them, and they work wonders for helping in the recovery process.

Finally, and most importantly, how do you feel you are doing in your personal relationship with God? Do you pray and read your scriptures regularly? Do you ponder the things you read and try to go to the Lord with your problems? A healthy spiritual life is key to recovering from addiction.

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I'm so sorry to hear of your problems with masturbation and pornography.

The question I would be asking myself right now, is, am I the right one for her? Am I offering her all I could as an son of God?

I don't think there is a "one" right person for any of us, I actually was told in a priesthood blessing years ago that there were many men I could be compatible with, it wasn't about just a "one".....

This girl sounds like a great person for you, if you will make it work. She accepts you for who you are, which to me, in our church's single culture, that's a big one. You say she hates things you like, but not once did you list the things she likes. Are you as interested in her as you want her to be in you??? Likes and dislikes change, but basics remain the same, like unconditional positive regard, which she is currently showing you....by what you're saying.

It sounds like you have dealt a long time with the issues you are having. I would be honest about it with your bishop/priesthood leadership. Counseling to get to the deeper issues as to why you are doing it may be useful as well as the 12 step recovery groups mentioned in the prior thread.......You know, I smoke. I think a lot of things can be overcome through building our faith in Christ and having his grace help us overcome these addictions. I was able to quite for several years this way and hope to be able to quit again soon....

What I'm trying to say is I don't think this girl is your problem, it seems that you are your own problem, and that this girl may actually work out to be an excellent choice. Don't be so quick to throw her away.....You may not get another opportunity so easily to be married. I know, I wasn't married until my late 30's, and then I was married outside of the gospel, albeit to a wonderfully kind and loving man.

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Let me give you some background so I can get some advice about a dating issue. First of all, I am addicted to masturbation and pornography and havebeen for over ten years. I went on a mission this way and one day broke down and told my mission president who, after talking with me and my stake president, said I should stay on my mission! Why? Thats another issue for another time. I told my bishop in my family ward and he just said I need to try to get over it and that I could still take the sacrament and serve in the church as a priamry teacher! Why? Again an issue for another time. I lied to my bishop and said I was cured so I could see a famly I am very close to get sealed in the temple. Since then I have basically kept up the lie. I have now and have always in the past tried to cure myself of these addictions but to no avail. Anyway, recently I started dating this girl. She is very nice and accepts me as I am. I have told her everything and when she said she was ok with it as long as I was trying to get better I felt a tug of war of feelings. I felt happy that she accepted me as I am but confused and dissapointed in her. Telling her the truth was kind of a way for me to say I didn't think we were meant to be and we should go our separate ways. I have been praying about this relationship asking if she is the one or if she and I are right for each other. I have only felt confusion and the same tug of war of feelings on the subject. But more and more lately I have begun to wonder if the doubts and the confusion were my answers and that I should break up with her. I also wonder if thats just me and those doubts are just obstacles to overcome. I also wonderif Satan is placing those doubts there or exaggerating the reality of the doubts and issues with this girl to stop me from being happy. It also could just be me. Those addictions could be the reason why I am unsure about my relationship. Pros about this girl are that she is funny, likes me for me (actually I think she loves me but she hasn't said), cooks well, makes me feel less lonely, makes me feel like I am doing something with my life. Cons: She is not physically attractive (that could be due to the addictions of masturbation and porno), she likes things that I don't like, she hates things that I like i.e. food, music, movies, school subjects, political views etc, she is too passive about my problems and therefore doesn't necessaraly care if I change, too passive about me saying that I wasn't totally sure we should be together, not as strong in the church as I would like and need. These are just some of the things I can list right now. I asked my brother and he said to end the relationship now before it gets to invovled emotionally. I said I am not sure about that. I am scared. What if she is the one and I lose her forever? However, what if she isn't and I am stuck in a relationship I don't want to be in? So please can someone help me out here.

Has God answered me already and I missed something? Has Satan used these doubts and issues to stop me from being happy? Have my addictions and my life experiences affected my personality and have I just been reacting normally to the issues with this relationship? Which is it? Is she the one? How do I know? If she isn't what now? If she is what now?

Thank you in advance for the advice and have a great one,

Doubter.

Seeing what was already posted, my brother, can we hide anything before GOD? No! Can we deceive our leadership from withholding truths in an interview? Yes! But the Holy Ghost will be your haunting spirit until it is confessed. Go with those true feelings on what needs to be done immediately.

Marriage? At this time you need to cleanse your spiritual side first before even in attempting a sealing marriage. If you don’t you will eventually fail.

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So...you wanted HER to make your honest choices for you. You wanted HER to make the hard but honest choice. How fair is that really? If you have doubts about her then you have no business leading her along. Just because you have doubts doesn't mean she will have the same ones. I understand you were hoping your addiction excuse would be an easy way out, but the universe is kind, you have been given yet another chance to be honest, another open opportunity to decide whether or not you will deal in honesty.

I know all about porn addiction. I know how addicts think. I know why you haven't been able to beat it. I know why you lie and I know the logic that keeps you in the lie. I know what it is like to be married to a person like you who lies to deal with difficult emotions. Do your future wife a favor.....whoever she may be...and figure out how to live and deal in truth before you promise yourself to someone.

You dear, have lots of work to do on yourself. And don't you think its time to get honest about that? You think marriage will fix this? You think lying or covering to save your marriage will save you too? It is all lies!!!!! On the other side of this kind of situation is torturous pain and traumatic event. DON'T DO IT TO HER! Stop living in the lie that you can do this yourself. Stop letting the shame of it all keep you from being honest with your priesthood leaders and the other important people in your life. Stop telling half the truth about how you feel to protect others or to protect yourself!

You need help...professional, long term help. You need a therapist and you need a 12 step program and even an online support group. You need to read and do workbooks that will help you unravel the reasons you are using in the first place. When are you going to face it? When are you going to love yourself enough to do something courageous and tell the truth about where you really are and what you really need to do?

When are you going to stop misrepresenting yourself as someone who is available to love in the way marriage demands and risk breaking the heart and soul of innocents?

Just think about it. Think hard about it before you take another step forward.

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STOP

DO NOT PASS GO

DO NOT COLLECT $200

Why are you even thinking about marriage when you're addicted to porn? No. With this addiction driving the Spirit away from you, there's no way you can feel out by inspiration whether or not she's right for you. You have a ton of work to do before you even think of making eternal covenants to someone else. If you were married under the influence of this addiction, your marriage covenants would be a lie from day one. Why would you make a covenant you know you will not keep? And she deserves a husband who is faithful to her, whether or not she knows that she does. Nobody suffers more from a husband's porn habit than his innocent wife.

It isn't time for marriage, to her or to anybody else. Get over the porn first. It can be done.

I recommend installing an accountability filter on your computer, and asking a male friend to be your accountability buddy. Covenant Eyes is the first one I thought of, but there are others.

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I have some advice, which I'll share. But I also have something that's more than advice:

I have told her everything and when she said she was ok with it as long as I was trying to get better I felt a tug of war of feelings.

If you can't rid yourself of these two issues, you can bet your marriage that she will NOT feel that way within a year or two of married life. There are so many ex-wives out there saying stuff like "I thought he'd change", "He promised me he'd work on it and fix it", etc.

Here's a very important thing to think about: If you can't get over your issues on your own, what makes you think adding a stressed out wife (who is growing more and more bitter that she can't be enough for you) will help matters any?

My advice:

* For Pete's sake, don't rely on your girlfriend's "That's ok with me, just fix it" as something to build a marriage around.

* Get over this stuff first, then get married. Otherwise, you're basically setting yourself up for a broken ended marriage.

LM

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OMGOSH

You are right to wonder if you are worthy of marrying this woman. You've proven you'll lie to get into the House of the Lord, the temple, you even have an excuse for it. You've managed to turn this into an argument of HER worthiness because she'll put up with you after you told her your problems. Not one word on how compassionate and Christ-like she is, you instead wonder what her problem is. You are not ready to overcome your addictions, you don't have the right attitude and any attempt you make to overcome this by trying the 'marriage treatment' is doomed to fail. I'm glad you recognize you have a problem. Now you have to stop allowing others to enable you and get down to the hard work of figuring out your triggers and learning avoidance. Get yourself right by the Lord, through counseling/prayer/fasting/meditation/skydiving, whatever works, and then maybe you'll find that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if the woman before you is the one you should marry.

Have you asked your significant other if she has prayed about it as well? Maybe you both should do some fasting and praying together. It'll be a good test :D

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cooks well

MAN! I say marry her this INSTANT!

Seriously...

The first thing you need to do is address the pornography addiction. Sometimes we just need to be men and STOP. Find something else that you enjoy that doesn't chase the spirit away. You will not be able to address any of the other issues until you stop looking at pornography.

People (including my wife) ask me if this or that girl in a picture is pretty or attractive. I say, "I don't know her so I don't know." My wife laughs and says, "Yeah, right!" Let me tell you something I've learned, who they are is far more attractive than what they look like.

This isn't canned because I know women are reading, or because my wife might read. It is the truth.

Sure, we can find some women physically more attractive than others. But, ALL women have attractive qualities. One thing that I find NOT attractive in women is that if they participtate in pornography. You need to stop the pornography and learn the other aspects of women that are attractive.

Jacob 2:

28 For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts.

Those women in the pornographic pictures you're looking at have nothing for you. It is a trap. Satan wants you to get addicted to seeing women in this devilishly twisted way so it will ruin your chance at ever being happy with one.

Forget everything else right now and do whatever you must do to stop the pornography.

After you have done that, you will see other things much clearer in order to make those decisions.

Oh, and STOP lying. That's what is keeping you bound to pornography. Let those who care help you. :)

Edited by Justice
Sigh... more typos.
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Reading your post it hit me you were disappointed in anyone that wanted to give you a chance.

Im not sure but i dought your feeling the spirit to often, dont marry this girl she doesnt sound like she has her bar set very high when looking for a mate, red flags are flying all over the place.

You should be thinking of your salvation and in what standing you have in the eyes of Heavenly Father right now.

The only answer I see you getting is putting a real live female in front of you and saying in this direction.

But your not ready for a relationship , nobody would deserve that. But in that direction you should be heading.

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Easy, folks... let's soften the tone a little. Clearly this brother knows his habits are wrong, he said he's trying to fix them, and he's shown some humility and forthcoming by posting the whole story here. He's going through some tough and confusing times. There is neither call nor need for harshness.

dash, brother, know that you are not the only one facing these challenges. I hope you will find the solution God has for you. Don't lose hope. Know that God can and will heal you and your life completely when you are ready. Be courageously honest with yourself and with others, especially your priesthood leaders and God. In the end, He is the one who can truly help you.

It has been suggested in some previous posts that you attend a 12-step program/support group. It sounds to me like this is your next step. The church operates one at a local level in many areas called Addiction Recovery Program (ARP for short). It is fantastic. It will help you turn to God to deliver you from your addictions. I explained the program in more detail in a thread I started in the Advice forum called "Looking for help?" so you can go there to get a clearer picture of it if you'd like. Or you could use the ARP website I linked above to find a group that meets near you and just visit a meeting. You'll be glad you did.

About the girl:

DISCLAIMER: Most of what I say here is just my personal opinions and feelings, so take it as food for thought...

I think most of the time God leaves it up to us who we marry. That's how I interpret Spencer W. Kimball's teaching that any two people who are striving to live the gospel can make it work. So with that in mind, here are a few things I would consider:

(1) Consider (but don't necessarily post about) how your Patriarchal Blessing weighs in on this question.

(2) Fear seems to be a central motivator for hanging on to this girl. To me, that's a pretty good indication that you should probably let her go.

(3) Your list of pros for this girl can be separated into two categories - the superficial/unimportant and the non-girl-specific (i.e., things that would be true of any girl you would date), with the possible exception of "liking you for you." You don't have (or at least didn't list) any really strong pros. Your cons, on the other hand, are fairly compelling. For instance, a complete lack of physical attraction to one's spouse, for whatever reason, can cause serious troubles, and such polar personalities, although they can be a good thing in some ways, can also be just as problematic as the attraction thing if not more so. Maybe she's not really a match as a mate, but would be a really great friend...

Also, if there have been any morality issues in your relationship, get those resolved with your leaders and work on healing. Those problems can make this decision much more confusing to both of you.

Hope this helps. Again, I highly recommend trying an ARP group meeting. I think that's the most important thing I have for you.

Jiminy

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I do not believe that you will be able to figure out if this girl is the one to marry until you talk to your Bishop and confess that you lied to get into the Temple to see a family sealing and that ever since you've kept up the lie.

Everything you told us, tell your Bishop. He will have the answers you need.

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