What do you do...

[angela]

When you don't want to do what Heavenly Father has asked you to do?

Okay, it's not about the commandments or anything like that. It's about my husband. I have a few other posts on here about this issue. The story: We have been separated the past 18 months (including the time when our youngest was born a year ago). As circumstances would allow, we have been put in a position where it is possible to reconcile. I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this. I KNOW Heavenly Father has intended me to be with this man, so I can help him and in return my H has a lot he can teach me (like patience, and such). But I have been sucked into the worldly views of our situation. It SUCKS that I have to be the one to forgive and extend such love and compassion to this man to be able to reconcile. Our counselor has already told me that H needs a lot of personal building and resolution of issues before we can even TOUCH the marital issues.

Again, I KNOW this is what Heavenly Father wants of me. I just don't want to do it.

What do I do? How do I stop feeling this way?

[Elgama]

OK past experience and based on something a lot less serious I would say go with Heavenly Father, like the primary song says he really does know the way

-Charley

[Gwen]

have you sought details as to what exactly hf wants you to do?

would some kind of "separation" agreement work till he is working on himself enough to be able to work on marriage issues. when he's ready to work on a marriage he can be "married". that's not giving up but definitely taking charge.

and sometimes we have to just do some things. if you don't listen you slowly remove yourself from the spirit. what do you do when someone stops listening to you? you eventually stop talking to them.... heavenly father is not that different. if inspiration is flowing then you know you are doing something right. don't let go of that.

[Hemidakota]

When you don't want to do what Heavenly Father has asked you to do?

Okay, it's not about the commandments or anything like that. It's about my husband. I have a few other posts on here about this issue. The story: We have been separated the past 18 months (including the time when our youngest was born a year ago). As circumstances would allow, we have been put in a position where it is possible to reconcile. I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this. I KNOW Heavenly Father has intended me to be with this man, so I can help him and in return my H has a lot he can teach me (like patience, and such). But I have been sucked into the worldly views of our situation. It SUCKS that I have to be the one to forgive and extend such love and compassion to this man to be able to reconcile. Our counselor has already told me that H needs a lot of personal building and resolution of issues before we can even TOUCH the marital issues.

Again, I KNOW this is what Heavenly Father wants of me. I just don't want to do it.

What do I do? How do I stop feeling this way?

I been there and done that...in the end, it is always better to listen to HIM and then take the necessary actions.

Reminds me of a Old Testament Prophet who did the same and another one who refuses to pray after the Lord refuses to budge....

[Maureen]

It SUCKS that I have to be the one to forgive and extend such love and compassion to this man to be able to reconcile.....Again, I KNOW this is what Heavenly Father wants of me. I just don't want to do it. What do I do? How do I stop feeling this way?

I can relate, but mine is a friend to friend relationship not spousal. I have no advice, sorry. I may have advice when I have come to the point where I can let go, forgive and be at peace.

[ruthiechan]

Okay, I have some understanding of what you are going through. The problem is that selfishness is what is preventing you from wanting to follow Heavenly Father's guidance in this matter. You are focused on YOU and YOUR pain and YOUR feelings.

You know what? I'm going to PM you.

[Hemidakota]

Thanks for being a supported sister...

[Wingnut]

When I was 20, I was dating a guy that I really wanted to marry. My parents wanted me to go on a mission. Well, I don't know if it was that so much as they wanted to delay my getting married. It wasn't the guy so much as it was they knew I wasn't ready. They encouraged me to pray about a mission, but I didn't want to go. One night I asked Heavenly Father if I should marry my boyfriend or go on a mission. I had intended to make that be the first, last, and only time I asked, and I'm pretty sure He knew it, because He gave me a really strong answer to that prayer. I was supposed to go on a mission. I knew it, God knew it, and I knew that He knew it.

Problem was, I still didn't want to go. I wanted to be obedient, but I really didn't want to go. I found myself in a life-changing position, trying to do it, but at the same time pushing against it.

I remembered what was said in Alma chapter 32, about faith being nurtured like a seed. There is a part that says that if you have even a desire to believe, to let that desire grow within you, and nurture it. In my prayers, I began to ask Heavenly Father for the desire to go on a mission. I told him that I wanted to want to go, I just didn't want to go. I kept praying for this.

I had a lot of life changes over the next year. I submitted my mission papers 90 days before my 21st birthday, my family moved across the country a week later (I stayed behind), I got my call, and I was diagnosed (at the age of 21) with ADHD and depression. My stake president ended up delaying my mission so that I could work with a therapist that specialized in adult ADHD, and so that I could get on a good medicine regimen that would help me while I tried to figure myself out. Since it was an undetermined amount of time that I was delayed for, I then moved across the country to be with family. I found that I needed to break up with my boyfriend (who was going to wait for me), because focusing on him made it so that I couldn't focus on my mission.

All this time, I still didn't want to go yet. The funny thing was, though, I wasn't glad about the delay...I knew I was supposed to go. I wasn't thinking or hoping that it would turn into a "permanent" delay, but I still didn't want it bad enough.

I ended up entering the MTC about seven months after I was originally supposed to. All that time I had been telling Heavenly Father "I want to want to go. Please give me the desire to do this. I know it is thy will, and I'm doing it, but please help me to want it." By the time I actually left for the MTC, I was ready. I wanted to be going. I was more than ready to be going. I was happy to be going.

Want to want it.

[Just_A_Guy]

From the Ensign:

Agency and Love in Marriage

An excerpt:

If a husband and wife are willing to apply the scriptural definition of love to their relationship, even a stale marriage and romance can be revived. Stephen R. Covey relates the following experience:

“At one seminar, after I’d spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, ‘I like what you’re saying, but my wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don’t love each other anymore. What can I do?’

“ ‘Love her,’ I replied.

“He looked puzzled. ‘How do you love when you don’t feel love?’

“ ‘My friend,’ I responded, ‘love is a verb. The feeling of love is the fruit of love. So love your wife. You did it once, you can do it again. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. It’s your choice. Are you willing to do that?’

“Of course, I was asking this man if he was willing to search within himself for the character required to make his marriage work. All our relationships follow the contours of life; they have ups and downs. This is why our families provide a critical measure of our character—and the opportunity, again and again to nurture it."

[trulykiwi]

I remembered what was said in Alma chapter 32, about faith being nurtured like a seed. There is a part that says that if you have even a desire to believe, to let that desire grow within you, and nurture it.

That's exactly it. You need to follow Heavenly Father and his will for you... there may be sacrifice involved and things you don't want to or think you shouldn't have to do... but let's face it - he's the wise one, right.

You can do this - it's a matter of asking him to help you desire it.

I once went through a major problem and couldn't see myself ever forgiving this person for doing what they did. And I can tell you honestly, if I had gone with my worldly views - I would never have gotten over it. But.... I knelt down and I prayed to Heavenly Father. I humbled myself and I knew I could never change my own feelings - that i needed Him to help me.... in the end, and even to this day - those prayers changed my life and I am happy because of that today.

So all I can suggest - is pray about it, earnestly, humbly, talk to Him. He loves you - he will hear you.

[NeuroTypical]

What do you do when you don't want to do what Heavenly Father has asked you to do?

I do it anyway. If I'm certain it's what God wants.

[trulykiwi]

I do it anyway. If I'm certain it's what God wants.

PERFECTLY SAID!!! And in so few words!! :)

[Dove]

Hi Angela,

How are you? I see you are fairly new here, and hope you are doing well. This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in, and not the easiest decision to come to.

You say that you have prayed about this and that you know what Heavenly Father would have you do......

My experience of doing His will for me is this~ take it as fair warning. It's not going to get any easier with your husband. It may even get worse. Are you prepared to deal with that??? Have you read the New Testament? Do you remember the parable of the builder who, before he begins to build something, takes the time to figure out what it will cost him to build it? What is it going to cost you to stay with your husband?

It's really easy, in my opinion, for all of us to chirp out, just do G-d's will, but, ohhh, how difficult it can be to put our money where our mouth is if we were in your shoes and had to follow through with it throughout your life.....

This may be the hardest, most difficult experience you have in all of your life. Just be aware, that may be what is required in order for you to do your Heavenly Father's will. How badly do you want to do it? I'm not writing this to keep you from doing His will, I'm writing this to be honest with you and give you fair warning, and....hopefully you can prepare yourself for your journey ahead.

If you truly want to be "square" with doing God's will in your life, go to Him, rely on Him through keeping the commandments, the basics. You know what they are.......also, know how much He loves you and wants you back home. I believe life is set up to rack us to our very cores, to take us to our very depths of sorrow. I believe Elder Neal A Maxwell referred to this as each of our Gethsemene's.....each of us have our own to go through on our way home. It's there for our personal growth. I believe it's required.

I can hear how hard it is for you to go through....pm me if you'd like to. Rather than focusing on your husband, focus on building your testimony of Heavenly Father, the Saviour, and the Holy Ghost. Rely on them for your strength throughout life. If you do this, the recompense through the sorrow of your situation with your husband will be priceless.....

[angela]

Dove -

You have it exactly right. :) Thank you.

I will write more later. I think I need a good cry right now.

[ruthiechan]

It always gets worse before it gets better. But our reward is so great at the end of it all.

I recommend that you read Job in the old testament.

I know how it is to have God's will be a hard thing to follow. I did PM you, and I do sympathize and pray for you. *hugs*

[Dove]

:bighug:Oh, Angela, so sorry the sorrow you're bearing right now.

Big hugs for you......And the words to a hymn~Be Still My Soul. Hope this is a comfort to you in your hour of sorrow.......Dove

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;

trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

[angela]

I had another blessing today regarding the situation. Again, it told me almost exactly what I needed to do - and this time I was promised several things, including being sealed to my H in the temple.

So why? Why don't I want to do this? Why don't I want to be with this man? This is what Heavenly Father wants and I don't want to do it.

My H is so burried in his emotional problems that he is a huge burden to me. It is draining... It's like having another child in the house, when I wasn't even managing to survive with the 3 I really do have.

What am I supposed to do???

[Dove]

Hello, Angela,

My first thoughts are, are you taking care of yourself? Are you able to find time to fill you inner reserves right now? You sound like you are in over your head in what is being expected of you. You seem overwhelmed...

.

Love yourself, be gentle with yourself. Have you found time to read the scriptures, pray, take a walk, a long hot bath, or whatever it is that will fill your core?

Secondly, are you in therapy/marriage counseling with your husband? Are you in personal therapy for yourself? I don't know what your husband's emotional problems are......have you had a heart to heart with him? Is he ready for the role of husband/father in your home? Is it fair to expect that you take care of him and the other children?

Is your husband sincerely suffering? Do you feel he is responsible for his "emotional" problems, or that he's just not pulling his share? Or, is he doing his best in dealing what's on his plate right now? If he is, have you thought about getting some support? Help from the ward? A social worker? Big Brother's/Sister's to help with the kids? Does your husband qualify for disability? If he does, a home health aide may be able to come help and should be available through the state/government......

Exhaust all your resources. Don't be frightened to reach out for help. If your husband is suffering this badly, maybe disability is an option.

Remember, you are not your husband's mother......unless he is truly an invalid emotionally. I don't know what the situation is....or what's fair to be expected of you......What is in the best interest of you, and your family?

Also, staying truly is up to you. This is something you don't have to do. No one will force you to do this~Search your heart. Is this what you really want? Do you still love your husband? I didn't say enable him, that is something totally different. I meant love him. This includes not taking responsibility for those things that are his to take.....

I hope this helps. Let me know :-)

Dove

[angela]

Hello, Angela,

My first thoughts are, are you taking care of yourself? Are you able to find time to fill you inner reserves right now? You sound like you are in over your head in what is being expected of you. You seem overwhelmed...

.

Love yourself, be gentle with yourself. Have you found time to read the scriptures, pray, take a walk, a long hot bath, or whatever it is that will fill your core?

No, that's half the problem. I work full time in order to take care of and support my kids. It feels like I don't have any free time for me. I was hoping that would change when my H moved back in, but the kids don't want to spend time with thier dad - just mom (since that is what they are used to).

One a side note, my H is staying at a job that only pays close to minimum wage and right now he is only getting less than 20 hours/week. Our counselor thinks that this is a very safe place for him to be right now, because asking him to find a different job would be too stressful for him to deal with. (He also works with the woman who he has lived with for the past year... and I really don't get a say in it. When I even mentioned to him that I was uncomfortable with this he came unglued.)

Secondly, are you in therapy/marriage counseling with your husband? Are you in personal therapy for yourself? I don't know what your husband's emotional problems are......have you had a heart to heart with him? Is he ready for the role of husband/father in your home? Is it fair to expect that you take care of him and the other children?

We are in counseling. The counselor and I have had a pretty good relationship. She truely understands what I am being asked to do. She feels like she has had confirmation that I have been asked to help my H through his problems and grow and flourish in the gospel.

Our counselor has warned me that NONE of the marriage problems can be addressed right off. She says that the marriage issues will be dealt with last, in order for my H to have time to heal as a person. She explained that in the mean time I would have to become as perfect as possible to foster a loving environment where my H can grow closer to the Savior and find the true peace and joy in gospel.

How do I do this? For the most part I have forgiven my H... But that was when we weren't together. Now that we are living together it has brought back all the hurt and pain I have felt over the past 18 months. I went through almost my entire pregnancy alone. I had a baby ALONE. There were times that I sat awake at night wishing I was dead because I was so down and depressed. My H on the other hand jumped right into another relationship. While I was alone, he was in the arms of another woman living it up.

Is your husband sincerely suffering? Do you feel he is responsible for his "emotional" problems, or that he's just not pulling his share? Or, is he doing his best in dealing what's on his plate right now? If he is, have you thought about getting some support? Help from the ward? A social worker? Big Brother's/Sister's to help with the kids? Does your husband qualify for disability? If he does, a home health aide may be able to come help and should be available through the state/government......

I can't even begin to describe his emotional problems. I don't think that they are anything the qualifies him for disability. His problems are really self-made so to speak. He has bad habits and patterns that he needs to break free from. He suffers from depression. When things get difficult for him to deal with he "retreats" so to speak. While he will be here physically - emotionally he is completely shut off. If you are familiar at all with a narcissist, he has strong narcissistic traits. He also has a problem with lying. It has been tossed around that he may be a pathological liar. He says/does whatever will help him manipulate through life the easiest.

Also, staying truly is up to you. This is something you don't have to do. No one will force you to do this~Search your heart. Is this what you really want? Do you still love your husband? I didn't say enable him, that is something totally different. I meant love him. This includes not taking responsibility for those things that are his to take.....

But if Heavenly Father truely is asking me to help him, how can I just walk away? I know that nobody in this world would judge me harshly for it - but what happens when I get up to THE Judgement? I can't just walk away... but at the same time right now I am just suffering through this until I can get myself where I need to be.

[Gwen]

are you asking HF the wrong question? if you already know the what you are to do.... have you asked him how?

it's ok to ask open ended questions, then as you look for an answer you can be led to it, you will know when you see it. answers can come from any number of places. just have to be ever mindful of the question and stay open to the revelaton.

[lilered]

I had another blessing today regarding the situation. Again, it told me almost exactly what I needed to do - and this time I was promised several things, including being sealed to my H in the temple.

So why? Why don't I want to do this? Why don't I want to be with this man? This is what Heavenly Father wants and I don't want to do it.

My H is so burried in his emotional problems that he is a huge burden to me. It is draining... It's like having another child in the house, when I wasn't even managing to survive with the 3 I really do have.

What am I supposed to do???

That is why it is so important to continue to pray for guidance to strengthen you in abiding by the counsel you have been given. Remember also that the family unit is the center of the Plan of Happiness and as such, Satan wants to destroy that. He also has the power to influence you so this may be why you are feeling the way you are.

[angela]

That is why it is so important to continue to pray for guidance to strengthen you in abiding by the counsel you have been given. Remember also that the family unit is the center of the Plan of Happiness and as such, Satan wants to destroy that. He also has the power to influence you so this may be why you are feeling the way you are.

I know that Satan is trying to work against me. It makes me sick that I am giving in to him... but at the same time I look at my H and I think why in the world would I want to spend and eternity with him...

Sigh... Hopefully I can overcome this.

[prospectmom]

Everytime you think a negative about him remind yourself of a positive.. I know this is hard but right now I am having similar problems and would rather be alone than deal with my husband... I constanly have to reframe what I am thinking......... I also decided a long time ago divorce isn't an option.... so I try and try again.... I think you need to be kinder to yourself and recognize all the good you do and all. When we get caught in a negative trap its harder for us to see the big picture....... I wish you the best and know you are not alone.

[Dove]

Wow, Angela,

I know your H is depressed and all, but does that excuse his extramarital affair?! I don't know, I probably wouldn't have your stamina to stay with him, even though I felt I had been told that Heavenly Father wanted differently.....

To me, it's not fair that you have to be "the perfect one" to make this relationship work....also, I have suffered from depression for many years, that still wouldn't make it okay to be unfaithful to my husband.

Yikes, I really have to say all that I'm writing is IMHO, totally.....

I really feel that this relationship borders on abuse, what with his withdrawing from you, leaving you for another woman, making you have your child alone, then coming back and still working with his mistress. I feel like saying, Are you kidding me?! To me, depression does not excuse that~Neither do I believe that HF would have us stay in a relationship that undermines our wellbeing. Especially if your children are aware of what he is doing. They sound withdrawn from him, by what you're saying.

Angela, you sound really unhappy in this relationship. If I were you, I would set ground rules/boundaries that he would have to abide by in order for you to stay. I know I will probably get flack for what I'm writing; personally, I'm rather incredulous about what's going on. It seems like he's playing you. You don't deserve that, you just don't. Neither do I believe that G-d would be supportive of something like that.

No relationship will be eternal unless it is built upon principals of righteousness......Adultery, and staying around one's mistress out of a "safe" situation (I personally feel that faith could come into play for your husband in finding another, just as safe, if not safer job), aren't grounds for righteousness. Expecting you to carry all the burden just is not fair, it's just not...

Remember, HF loves you, and your family dearly; but, He always operates on fairness.... I remember years ago saying to myself that if I had to be scared into going to heaven, you might as well send me to hell, because that is what fear is for me.....Are you staying with you husband out of fear? I think you would be surprised at how loving and understanding HF is of you in your particular situation...

I'm so sorry for the hand you've been dealt. I also think of the adage, You hurt me once, shame on you, you hurt me twice, shame on me..... HF always accords us our agency, and to use that to come to Him. But, be sure you are listening to the correct voice in the revelation you are getting at this point.

Dove

[Hemidakota]

I know that Satan is trying to work against me. It makes me sick that I am giving in to him... but at the same time I look at my H and I think why in the world would I want to spend and eternity with him...

Sigh... Hopefully I can overcome this.

Hmm...unless something changes, it will grow worse.