Dating before divorce?

[JohnsonJones]

15 hours ago, Auckland NZ said:

I see this was posted in 2009 so I assume that this has resolved itself over time and I hope you've found happiness and peace.

For what it's worth here's my situation. My wife (now separated) and I are both returned missionaries and had a temple sealing and were married for 21 years. I was totally faithful during this time, however I discovered just over a year ago that someone from my wife's past re-entered her life supposedly innocently at first through social media but events spiralled and ultimately resulted in the break-up of our marriage. The other guy also a returned missionary from Utah served his mission here in New Zealand (where they met) which was well before my wife and I first knew each other. This in itself raises questions about what he was doing on his mission but I'm not passing any judgement on that, simply making an observation. The lesson thus far is if you are married then be very very careful about corresponding with people from your past.

The tragedy is that his actions resulted in the breakup of our marriage and family (which he can never make restitution for) and just as bad he divorced his wife in Utah over this with whom they have 5 children together. 

Now here's the problem. My wife and I are now legally separated but have to wait for two years until divorce is finalised before I can start dating because that is the law in New Zealand. On the other hand because divorce in the United States can happen so quickly the guy whose actions have broken up my family and discarded his own responsibilities as a husband and father by abandoning his own sealing covenants is now free to date and he has continued his liaison and correspondence with my wife (although she is not yet legally divorced) and she has travelled to the States to see him and I suspect he has also been here to New Zealand to see her. This is now in the hands of both their respective Stake Presidents who are in communication with each other.

I have discussed the issue with Church authorities, the issue being that apparently I am not meant to date yet he can and is free to do so, and although they acknowledge the discrepancy of the situation they also don't appear to know how to redress the difference in divorce law between 2 countries, 2 years in New Zealand and 2 months in Utah. It seems to be in the too hard basket. Or in the case of the guy in Utah, too easy for him.

If you wife is seeing him, I believe the term for this is called emotional adultery (If that is all she is doing, hopefully that is all and it is not an even worse situation).  I do not know about New Zealand law, but in the US a good divorce attorney can use that against the other spouse in divorce proceedings to try to wrangle better terms for the other spouse who is not committing emotional adultery.  Typically, both spouses are already in this type of situation in the US so it has no effect anyways, but occasionally, it can come into play.

The greater difficulty comes in regards to how the LDS Bishop makes determinations in this regards.  If the Stake Presidents are in communication, it sounds as if this process is already occurring to a degree. 

I find it greatly disturbing that the guy would be involved with a woman who is not fully divorced yet (scripturally, this is also a sin) and legally is thus also contributing to the destruction of a marriage. 

I am sorry that you are in this type of situation.

Edited May 17, 2018 by JohnsonJones

[Auckland NZ]

On 5/18/2018 at 12:35 AM, zil said:

Welcome, @Auckland NZ!  Sorry for the hardship you're having to endure.    I can't offer any comfort except prayers and good wishes.

Thankyou, means a lot 🙂

Edited May 31, 2018 by Auckland NZ

[Sunday21]

On 5/17/2018 at 3:20 PM, JohnsonJones said:

If you wife is seeing him, I believe the term for this is called emotional adultery (If that is all she is doing, hopefully that is all and it is not an even worse situation).  I do not know about New Zealand law, but in the US a good divorce attorney can use that against the other spouse in divorce proceedings to try to wrangle better terms for the other spouse who is not committing emotional adultery.  Typically, both spouses are already in this type of situation in the US so it has no effect anyways, but occasionally, it can come into play.

The greater difficulty comes in regards to how the LDS Bishop makes determinations in this regards.  If the Stake Presidents are in communication, it sounds as if this process is already occurring to a degree. 

I find it greatly disturbing that the guy would be involved with a woman who is not fully divorced yet (scripturally, this is also a sin) and legally is thus also contributing to the destruction of a marriage. 

I am sorry that you are in this type of situation.

my spouse had an affair before we separated, do I get more relationship property?

Unlike some other countries (e.g China, Japan, France), a New Zealand court may not take any misconduct of a spouse into account when the relationship property is being divided unless extraordinary circumstances can be found which will make a 50/50 split repugnant to justice. Misconduct may be taken into account in determining the contribution of a spouse to the marriage. However, such misconduct must be gross and palpable. Affairs normally do not fall into either of the two categories