How do you deal with it?


trulykiwi
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Hi guys, firstly, love this place - I love coming in here and helping people out on the advice board, and love the gospel discussion threads... all interesting and the people here (you guys!) are awesome :)

I wish to ask your advice on a matter. This is going to sound soooo menial compared to other people's problems here... so I apologise in advance!

Yesterday at Church, in Relief Society I felt condescended (put down) by a couple of the young women there (bout 18-20yr olds). But I let it go and wasn't going to hold a grudge - after all they are just young and sometimes you don't realise things at that age.

Anyways, last night I was talking to my husband and mentioned this and how I felt about it. You see, normally in any class I'm not one to speak up - you'll usually find me sitting there quietly listening intently to all that's going on but always keep my opinions and thoughts to myself... call it shy, I don't know... but maybe it's more just a lack of confidence.

So when I mentioned this to my husband he said not to worry about it but next time speak up and say what i mean - just don't do it in a condescending way (which I wouldn't anyway). But he also said to me, he noticed that same group of girls looking at me when we got out of the car and talking and sniggering with each other - so much so that it was obvious that they were talking/laughing about me!

I was so hurt upon hearing this, this is a new ward we have just moved into and hearing that I have young women sniggering at me makes me most upset. I know I know I shouldn't worry, just forget about it and go about worrying about my own salvation. But gosh, I just don't think he understand (or any guy for that matter), so I'm asking you ladies out there... it has made me MORE self-conscious than I already am... I don't even want to go to this new ward anymore.... I really really wanted to fellowship in our new ward and make some good friends. But why would they mock me?? I don't get it!! They are very well dressed young women - obviously coming from families that have good money, have grown up in the church etc. I think (or rather thought!) I dressed lovely, or at least as best I can with the money we have, I haven't grown up in the church (1st generation convert), and now feel inadequate!

I know... sorry to have gone on... this just really upsets me. I know that the church is perfect, but the people aren't. But I thought we all treated each other nicely at least!

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First of all there are mean people everywhere you go. In church and out of church. Not everyone has respect for each other. That said why should it matter what other people think? I personally think that it was pretty low of your husband to tell you that they were laughing and snickering at you getting out of the car. Is he a man? Why doesn't he go over there and defend his wife? Ask if there is a problem? Did they find something particularly funny?

That would not be tolerated by me if someone did that to my wife or maybe it is just me.

Ben Raines

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Thanks Ben, yeah I thought the same at first. But then, my husband is of the opinion that we need to not focus on anyone else this time and ignore those sort of things that cause contention. He wants us to worry about ourselves and continue to do right by others - and just not get into conflict that isn't needed. Know what I mean? I guess the best thing I can do is ignore it... but damn I'm such a sensitive person and that makes it harder... I just want everyone to like me! I don't have any friends in the church - we seem to have moved wards quite often... so was hoping to make some this time round as this is where we are settling.

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Lets see my wife and I have lived in 11 wards and branches in 33 years of marriage. I have never had a fight in church. I know why I go. I go because I am commanded to, I can partake of the sacrament and become like I was the day I was baptized, I learn or teach and learn from a lesson and I show The Lord whose side I am on.

I go to church for myself and my family. I sit where I want to and speak up when I feel like it or don't if I don't want to.

I hold to the rod and do all those things asked of me. If someone doesn't like me or the way I dress that is their problem and not mine.

I try to be a friend to all and for that reason I have many who call me friend.

If you want friends then be a friend.

Ben Raines

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I don't get it!! They are very well dressed young women - obviously coming from families that have good money,

There is part of the problem right there. The last ten years (until we moved this last year) we were the poor man in a rich man's neighborhood. The kids my kids grew up with had money..lots of it. They had a difficult time sometimes with remarks about why they couldn't afford the latest ski apparel...why they couldn't go snowboarding because honestly we just didn't have the money for the rental of all of this.

Anyway, back to my point. Unfortunately there are many of these "rich kids" who are taught snobbery. They are taught they are better than others because of the money their parents have.

As difficult as it is..raise your head...even say hello to them....rise above them. That makes you a much better person than they will ever be with daddy's money.

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Oh as a side note..I've been with this site for 10 years. Over the years you see new people join..see their comments..see their spirit. You say immediately "I like this person." Well you are one of them. So you have a friend in me even if we do live on opposite sides of the world.

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Thank you... I appreciate that! Gosh 10 years is a long time... but... I can see why stick round here... I myself enjoy it. Sometimes, because I'm the only one in my family to join the church (much to their distress), it gets a little lonely (as in female company/friends who understand me), so it's always nice to meet lovely people such as yourself :) So thank you for your friendship :)

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It has always been a problem...

Jacob 2

[13] And the hand of providence hath smiled upon you most pleasingly, that you have obtained many riches; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel, and persecute your brethren because ye suppose that ye are better than they.

Mormon 8

[36] And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts; and there are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes, and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities; and your churches, yea, even every one, have become polluted because of the pride of your hearts.

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It has always been a problem...

Jacob 2

[13] And the hand of providence hath smiled upon you most pleasingly, that you have obtained many riches; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel, and persecute your brethren because ye suppose that ye are better than they.

Mormon 8

[36] And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts; and there are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes, and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities; and your churches, yea, even every one, have become polluted because of the pride of your hearts.

You know... being reasonably new to the church, I find it hard to make scripture relative to each situation personally.... but it's times like this I realise that it's possible. Thank you for pointing those out to me...

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One of my thoughts was get down to their level. I mean as a teenage girl. Perhaps say..hey girls...I wonder if I can get your opinion on something. Something that would be on a teenage girl level. As you well know (take a look at this forum), people love giving their opinion...especially being asked. Just a thought.

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Hey trulykiwi,

What a daunting experience, one I've come up against in wards I've been in, and one I wouldn't wish on anyone....

I have appreciated getting to know you on this site....remember your worth and value as a daughter of God, that you are worth defending. If their behaviour worsens, or persists, I would talk to the bishop/RS President/someone who might talk to their parents about it and confront these girls as to why they feel it appropriate to behave in such a way.

You don't deserve to have that kind of experience at church.....you shouldn't have to feel like you're back in Jr. High being made fun of when church ideally is about support and love for one another.

I'm writing this after I wrote the next paragraph.....do some preparation and homework b4 doing next paragraph by finding out who their parents are.....

Maybe you can try being nice to them....the next time they are laughing and snickering, walk right up to them, look them in the eye, and say "hi, how are you doing today?" If you know their names beforehand, say their names, find out who their parents are, and mention that you have talked to them, in a casual way. Compliment their parents.......it will pull the rug out from under them and take their power away....and you will have the upper hand. I would suggest finding out about them and their families, make it a point to talk with their parents~make an acquaintance. Then, maybe you can approach the parents themselves concerning their bad behaviour.....

Remember, you are loved and worth loving. You have friends here.....there are safe places for you to go. These girls don't need to have any of the power their vying for from you....you deserve better.

Dove

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And before we fry these girls....they could have been laughing at something else when they looked over at you. Let's not prejudge them.

I don't think it's possible to be liked by everyone (some will dislike you just because they think everyone else likes you Ü). You are only in control of yourself. You be confident, genuine, and loving and you'll be fine. If these girls are mocking you, it only shows their lack of true self-esteem. Don't worry about them. Reach out to others, and as Ben says, they'll reach out to you (or be a friend and you'll have friends, or whatever he said so eloquently).

We all think you are lovely and sweet and wise. So there!

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Maybe you can try being nice to them....the next time they are laughing and snickering, walk right up to them, look them in the eye, and say "hi, how are you doing today?" If you know their names beforehand, say their names, find out who their parents are, and mention that you have talked to them, in a casual way. Compliment their parents.......it will pull the rug out from under them and take their power away....and you will have the upper hand. I would suggest finding out about them and their families, make it a point to talk with their parents~make an acquaintance. Then, maybe you can approach the parents themselves concerning their bad behaviour.....

Dove, I too have seen your posts and I love the compassion and friendship that you exude! It's such an inspiration - thank you. I appreciate your idea's above and I might just give it a go. I'm going to try and be more involved in things at church this time. Really step out of my comfort zone (argh!!!) - or at least TRY ;) - so that people can see that, although I might be reasonably quiet (until you get to know me! HAHA), I'm a very friendly, open and honest person. so thank you for your suggestions above :) I really appreciate it!

Thank you to everyone who has answered here also... that's why I love coming onto this forum - never have I felt so comfortable sharing/posting and discussing things as I do here.

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One of my thoughts was get down to their level. I mean as a teenage girl. Perhaps say..hey girls...I wonder if I can get your opinion on something. Something that would be on a teenage girl level. As you well know (take a look at this forum), people love giving their opinion...especially being asked. Just a thought.

That's a great idea... I might give it a go... (in a few weeks ;) hehe)

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And before we fry these girls....they could have been laughing at something else when they looked over at you. Let's not prejudge them.

I don't think it's possible to be liked by everyone (some will dislike you just because they think everyone else likes you Ü). You are only in control of yourself. You be confident, genuine, and loving and you'll be fine. If these girls are mocking you, it only shows their lack of true self-esteem. Don't worry about them. Reach out to others, and as Ben says, they'll reach out to you (or be a friend and you'll have friends, or whatever he said so eloquently).

We all think you are lovely and sweet and wise. So there!

Thanks Gigi - I'm going to make an effort to be a friend to others.... I had a lady from Relief Society Presidency drop by today for a visit - she's really really lovely :) We had a lovely chat for an hour or so and when she was leaving, she mentioned that she was trying to put something together to prepare these younger women in Relief Society for Motherhood etc... so I told her that if she ever wants any help with anything... I'm there :eek: lol

I just thought, if I can get involved in something like that, then these young girls might just realise that I can actually be of help to them... if not now, then in the future. Who knows.. was just a thought.

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Thank you so much for your kind words, Truly Kiwi~

Please let us know how things go for you.

I forgot those girls were as old as they were, didn't you say 18 to 20? Are there parents even there in the ward?

I'm wondering if my advice would work as well with older girls, now.....

Still, take the bull by the horns, quiet honesty, go to the right people concerning this, protect and defend yourself. You're worth it!!

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Hang in there! Be yourself first and foremost and do not every hide your light under a bushel. You are a bright wonderful person. . .let that light shine.

Everyone has given great advice. But only you alone know which will be the right approach. 18-20 year girls haven't grown up yet. I wouldn't take them too seriously. Over time you will outshine them by being yourself and always befriending and caring about those around you. Your example will be one that influences them. . . maybe not today. . .but somewhere down the road.

If your husband noticed them, I'm sure other people noticed their behavior too. Those that did may already be working to undo the hurt they caused (like the visit from the RS sister) or working with the girls on being nicer. Young people forget sometimes that they aren't invisible. . .their teachers, friends parents, friends, younger primary children. . .well we're all watching.

Which makes me wonder who was watching me on Sunday and if I might have said or done something in my outspoken, opinionated way. . . :eek::eek:Now I'm wondering if I stuck my foot in my mouth and didn't even realize it. OOPS!

applepansy

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