Why does it seem like LDS men care more about looks than non-LDS men?

[Pan_52]

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Obviously, this doesn't speak for everybody, I'm simply going by my online dating experience. But yeah.

I am on two dating sites currently, one LDS and one non-LDS (just for the general public). It seems to me like the guys on the non-LDS site are a lot sweeter and nicer and willing to give things a try! I don't understand. I thought that LDS men would be less caring about looks and more about the quality of the person. Y'know, the whole.. being with her for eternity thing... come on, guys. Explain it to me. Make me understand.

On the LDS site, nearly every profile I've looked at has requested match perferences for girls that have "average, athletic, slender/slim" or "washboard" bodies. I think I've only seen about two or three out of roughly fifty profiles that didn't mind about body type. Also, in a lot of the introductions, the first thing they say is that they are looking for is a girl that is cute.

"I want a girl who is cute, generous, compassionate..."

"I want to find someone who is cute and loves the gospel.."

Etc., etc., etc....

The final straw now is I just passed over a profile that had an introduction with this, "... and yes she has to be attractive or else it just wouldn't work."

The non-LDS site I'm on only listed one or two people with picky match perferences that I've found so far, the rest are just willing to talk. I'm already talking on messenger to two good guys I've met on there, and.. well, no one wants to talk to an overweight girl. I can understand asking for someone active in the church, who wants children and has a temple recommend. But apparently body type is more important.

Okay guys, I know that a pretty girl is a wonderful bonus, but come on! There are a lot of great girls out there who don't meet the "hot bod" and "beautiful" criteria! What's the deal, yo?

I guess I'm just venting dating frustrations and pining over my own insecurities.

Discuss?

[terryk]

from my experience I have seen 2 reasons in this, appearent difference 1 there is more people on the non lds sites, so you will see a broader range of people there, and 2 when I was on one of those sites, I met a quite a few people who at first seemed nice, but were either lying in their profiles, or were after shall we say activiites not in teachings with the church. not saying all of them are that way, becasue they are not, but a lot are. a few years ago I remember hearing in a general conference address the brethren asked us not to overlook those that might be good potential matches except for apprearences or some other reason. and I have met a few who put in what they are seeking, they think of that as their ideal, and I do know some will look beyond those qualities that they have listed, if you 2 hit it off. in the non lds world, internet dating is becoming the norm, in the LDS dating world, the idea of meeting someone over the internet is still not the norm. and a lot of the LDS who try internet dating are the ones who are more shy, or who seeing that there is a lot more options online will just list the options ot find the "perfect" match, instead of listing what they would be happy with. please be careful when you are talking those that are not members, a lot of them do not have the same morals we do, and even though they seem nice at first, may want some things you do not want to risk or appropriate to risk

sorry if this seems like rambling but take it as some thoughts from my experiences in this

[Soulsearcher]

One reason could be also different desired outcomes. LDS guys generally have a desire to find that one eternal companion. The only girl they will ever be with so they have a desire to "make it count". Most of my guy friends tend not to care so much about looks cause they can get what they want over time, but don't have to settle down for it and can move on if something better comes along.

Can go with Lds and non-lds wome nas well.

[prisonchaplain]

Maybe I'm getting old, but this has got to be a bit tongue-in-cheek, no? If it seems that LDS guys are more interested in looks, my guess is that it's because LDS guys that are getting serious about marriage tend to be in their late teens to early 20s, whereas us gentiles often don't get serious until the mid-twenties or so. In other words, there may be a maturity factor here. Otherwise, I seriously doubt that LDS guys compared to the same demographic of, say evangelicals, are more into lookism. Remember...wink, wink...LDS dating sites are not "official." :-)

[Pan_52]

Yes this is true, I pretty much agree with all of you, thanks for your input. It makes sense.

[Wingnut]

Anyone who says "looks don't matter" is full of crap. Looks do matter. You can love a person's sense of humor and wit, or their intelligence, or their conversational style. You can love that they have a testimony of the Gospel, or that they have a great relationship with their parents. You cannot see anyone of that across a room or in a first glance. No matter how much of that exists, there has to be a physical attraction, or it just won't work.

[jadams_4040]

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Obviously, this doesn't speak for everybody, I'm simply going by my online dating experience. But yeah.

I am on two dating sites currently, one LDS and one non-LDS (just for the general public). It seems to me like the guys on the non-LDS site are a lot sweeter and nicer and willing to give things a try! I don't understand. I thought that LDS men would be less caring about looks and more about the quality of the person. Y'know, the whole.. being with her for eternity thing... come on, guys. Explain it to me. Make me understand.

On the LDS site, nearly every profile I've looked at has requested match perferences for girls that have "average, athletic, slender/slim" or "washboard" bodies. I think I've only seen about two or three out of roughly fifty profiles that didn't mind about body type. Also, in a lot of the introductions, the first thing they say is that they are looking for is a girl that is cute.

"I want a girl who is cute, generous, compassionate..."

"I want to find someone who is cute and loves the gospel.."

Etc., etc., etc....

The final straw now is I just passed over a profile that had an introduction with this, "... and yes she has to be attractive or else it just wouldn't work."

The non-LDS site I'm on only listed one or two people with picky match perferences that I've found so far, the rest are just willing to talk. I'm already talking on messenger to two good guys I've met on there, and.. well, no one wants to talk to an overweight girl. I can understand asking for someone active in the church, who wants children and has a temple recommend. But apparently body type is more important.

Okay guys, I know that a pretty girl is a wonderful bonus, but come on! There are a lot of great girls out there who don't meet the "hot bod" and "beautiful" criteria! What's the deal, yo?

I guess I'm just venting dating frustrations and pining over my own insecurities.

Discuss?

Its absolutely amazing how much that Holy ghost effects countenances.:)

[prisonchaplain]

Anyone who says "looks don't matter" is full of crap. Looks do matter. You can love a person's sense of humor and wit, or their intelligence, or their conversational style. You can love that they have a testimony of the Gospel, or that they have a great relationship with their parents. You cannot see anyone of that across a room or in a first glance. No matter how much of that exists, there has to be a physical attraction, or it just won't work.

Yes and no. Yes, it is important that we be attracted to our spouses. But, have we not all meant beautiful and handsome people who remain single, and seen others that we assess as not, who nevertheless match up with great people? Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Additionally, when we like someone we are not intially attracted to, we often come to see a beauty or cuteness that we did not catch at first glance.

So, while I know you see yourself as simply being frank here, my humble encouragement to those who date is to take it slow and easy. Do not allow a first impression--especially one based merely upon looks--to steal from you what might well be a diamond in the ruff.

[ninjormon]

Let me put it like this, if I (I can only speak for myself) see that a girl is fit, clean, and put together well this means that she probably takes care of her other responsibilities well too, she's not lazy, cares about herself, and will be a good companion and mother. On the other side if a guy is not looking for forever he will probably just take what ever is available that night, so even if she is pretty if she isn't put together propperly (dress, hair, makeup, body) it means that she is probably not someone that they want to actually be with but also does not care about herself and easier to use, abuse, or manipulate.

[Pan_52]

Thanks ninjormon, that does make sense. Still, I somehow feel that there is a more basic drive at work here.

Like I said, I can't speak for everyone. And you all make valid points.

[Islander]

I hint; on the LDS sites the guys are clearly outnumbered 10 to 1 by women. The pool of potential choices is much larger and the guys are looking for the "pick of the litter" (I know, bad analogy) so there you have it. we should not generalize about LDS men based on the above, however.

Also, and this is my wife's take on it: Those guys in the LDS site may actually be the undesirable ones that nobody wants in their home wards. You may have a larger garden variety type of guys on the general site.

[Fiannan]

Maybe while women are motivated a lot by emotions men are motivated by wanting a beautiful wife so their children will be beautiful.

See? Men are really the caring ones -- wanting what's best for their future offspring.

[Heavenguard]

Although I have met some good looking guys, and are friends with some of them... two observations:

1) They may know how attractive they are, and get a bit of an inflated ego about it, or

2) They may be very high maintenance.

Neither is attractive, despite the pretty face.

Seriously, a guy that takes more time than I to get ready in the morning? No girl wants that...

[prisonchaplain]

Heavenguard, I'm wondering if your theorum can be reversed? It may explain why I am so humble and low-maintenance. :-)

[Dravin]

A couple random thoughts on the descriptors:

Average: it may depend on what you idea of average is, in my mind at least it's code for healthy body weight, nothing wrong with that.

Athletic: If somebody is into sports, camping or what have you that requires a degree of physical fitness this could be important. If I weighed 320lb like I used to and some gal had dreams of Saturday morning bike rides with her tru wuv in the future one look at me would kinda throw that idea out of the window. They could of course just be superficial.

Slender/Slim + Washboard: I wouldn't turn a girl down who met this but if there are requirements of Barbie proportions that's something I'd classify as superficial.

On the whole attractive a must idea:

One has to be attracted, which neccesitates the other person being attractive (however you define that), both personality wise and physically, and call me what you will an over abundance of one doesn't compensate for a complete lack of the other (works both ways, stunning looks don't compensate for being the Wicked Witch of the Wasatch). That said, one hardly needs to have a super model's body to be attractive.

[Hemidakota]

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Obviously, this doesn't speak for everybody, I'm simply going by my online dating experience. But yeah.

I am on two dating sites currently, one LDS and one non-LDS (just for the general public). It seems to me like the guys on the non-LDS site are a lot sweeter and nicer and willing to give things a try! I don't understand. I thought that LDS men would be less caring about looks and more about the quality of the person. Y'know, the whole.. being with her for eternity thing... come on, guys. Explain it to me. Make me understand.

On the LDS site, nearly every profile I've looked at has requested match perferences for girls that have "average, athletic, slender/slim" or "washboard" bodies. I think I've only seen about two or three out of roughly fifty profiles that didn't mind about body type. Also, in a lot of the introductions, the first thing they say is that they are looking for is a girl that is cute.

"I want a girl who is cute, generous, compassionate..."

"I want to find someone who is cute and loves the gospel.."

Etc., etc., etc....

The final straw now is I just passed over a profile that had an introduction with this, "... and yes she has to be attractive or else it just wouldn't work."

The non-LDS site I'm on only listed one or two people with picky match preferences that I've found so far, the rest are just willing to talk. I'm already talking on messenger to two good guys I've met on there, and.. well, no one wants to talk to an overweight girl. I can understand asking for someone active in the church, who wants children and has a temple recommend. But apparently body type is more important.

Okay guys, I know that a pretty girl is a wonderful bonus, but come on! There are a lot of great girls out there who don't meet the "hot bod" and "beautiful" criteria! What's the deal, yo?

I guess I'm just venting dating frustrations and pining over my own insecurities.

Discuss?

Dear sister, if you meet any claimed LDS males who worry about a person facial features than what is eternal, I would quickly do about face and run and find someone who is qualify to enter into eternal rest with the Godhead than the world.

[aranyborju]

The problem is that LDS women are all so wonderful and heavenly on the inside, that outside looks are the only factor left open for scrutiny.

[Fiannan]

I have to agree with Draven. There are a lot of couples out there where a person is married to someone who can't, or won't, share their interests. For example, there are both men and women who are in excellent condition, like athletic stuff or things in the outdoors but their spouse is just not into it or has let their bodies go so they cannot enjoy things like long hiking trips in the woods. Sure, in the ideal world the one who is not in shape would just see that something is missing but often they just don't want to make the effort or they just content themselves with doing their own thing.

So many a couple cannot share somethng together due to the different views on fitness. That doesn't mean they don't love each other but it is sad when people can't share things that are important in their lives.

So if someone is in shape and outdoor things are vital to their life then why not do one's best to find someone with the same mental outlook?

[GingerGolden]

Sure, in the ideal world the one who is not in shape would just see that something is missing but often they just don't want to make the effort or they just content themselves with doing their own thing.

Excuse me Fiannan, not picking on you here, as there was another post by someone else here on this forum that makes mention of overweight people either not caring about themselves of not caring to make a difference in their weight. Or even to consider that they prefer to be overweight.

Personally, I think this is a bit shallow and insensitive in someone's thinking patterns.

Now, this may be true of some individuals however, there are individuals who are overweight that fight it hand over foot all their lives and well, sometimes it really does them no good. Seriously!

Rather than closing the mind to the kind of thinking that says, overweight people are this or that and they are all such, consider that there are overweight people that eat a LOT LESS than the majority of thin individuals.

Not all overweight people are outright hogs that eat everything in sight in just a few gulps, although to be truthful there are some.

(I've witnessed this myself, Bless Her Heart)

However, this is not true of them all.

Some have medical problems, some of them have gained their weight by the suffering of childhood trauma, some of them suffer from accidents that may leave them in continual pain and unable to move about and many other reasons.

Some of them are simply trapped inside the creation that has been given to them to live while in this earthly state, even those who do care and do try to make a difference in their lives.

To consider that they choose to be that way and that there is something that will eventually make them thinner is not always true and is very unfair to consider while judging them simply by their weight.

I'm one of these overweight people, however I do not even dwell on considering that I am fat.

(this does not mean that I like it or that I don't know it for myself. Or that I prefer to be overweight.)

Actually, it seems that it bothers others a lot more that I am overweight than it does me.

(that is their own personal problem)

I am simply me.

To truly know me is to love me...

And to be quite truthful, those who take a larger consideration upon judging these bodies that our Heavenly Father considered to be the best means of transportation for our spirit, over our actual heart, mind and spirit are those that should be ran away from very quickly as they do not even deserve the pleasure of our presence.

In some of those overweight bodies are some of the most precious minds, hearts and spirits that you will ever find.

We deserve much more respect than many can even consider.

To consider contrary for all overweight individuals, is just the same as judging that the blind and the deaf choose to be so... {IMO}

Consider that perhaps we bare this burden just so you don't have to bear it.

{In an ideal world, we would all be able to see straight into the minds, hearts and spirits of one another!}

:)

Edited March 16, 2009 by GingerGolden

[Fiannan]

I am not going to refresh the debate over the American obesity epidemic (being obese does take more years off your life than smoking two packs a day though). In fact, I have seen more elderly people who smoke than elderly people who are obese -- wonder why that is?

Back to the original topic of this thread. This thread deals with people's preferences. Deep down I suspect women desire a man who has the physical shape (and even looks) of a Pierce Broslin or Daniel Craig. However, if you want a man who keeps in shape then you have to be willing to adopt a similar lifestyle -- otherwise you get the couple where she or he wants to spend two days hiking the Pacific Trail and the spouse can't even manage to hike long on the local bike path. And who should change in that case?

Now if you want to avoid this problem then if person is athletic then they should aim their dating at athletic people. If one prefers to relax in front of the TV then there's plenty of chubby people out there. No negative judgements are necessary -- it's just good coupling.

[GingerGolden]

No negative judgements are necessary -- it's just good coupling.

Exactly! Thank you!

(btw, I wasn't trying to re-hash or refresh any debate, I was trying to enlighten a few minds of some truths)

*edit

BTW, considering the OP, I do not think that I have gone off topic at all. Of course, the only one who could actually disagree with this remark would be the OP. Thanks!

Edited March 16, 2009 by GingerGolden
...on second thought...

[Islander]

This is one of those topics where men, according to my wife, have a very difficult position to defend.

On the average, men are more physically active than women, have a hormonal advantage and can burn fat and build lean muscle faster thus also loosing weight faster. Men are also socialized to be visually enticed and aroused and that is wired in the brain. Women are less inclined to engage in physical activity even in their younger years, have a net gain 15-20% body weight during pregnancy of which most do not lose about 10% of said gain. And that repeats with every pregnancy. Sadly, almost 40% of women fallow this pattern in America, with minorities in slightly higher percentages.

Younger women tend to be as picky about physical appearance as men (surveys) but as time goes by they tend to focus more on character traits. Men, even later in life, have guiding criteria for mate selection with a stronger physical component.

We can argue and disagree but it will not change the realities of mate selection.

[Fiannan]

I don't want to get all psychological and all but there are reasons males are attracted to women who are more physically fit -- that is due to the God-given desire to reproduce and one does want a woman who is healthy enough to carry your children as well as pass positive characteristics to them. Humans generally don't recognize this and just think they are attracted to certain physical traits just because they are "hot" but it really all gets down to physiology and psychology.

Feamels are attracted to males who are healthy as well as have the ability to be able to provide for her offspring. So on dating sites one should know that a woman scans for a man's occupation (or potential) as much as a man scans for physical beauty. That too is rooted in biology since the woman is hindered from providing for herself when she is pregnant and having a strong provider when she has children is an advantage for their survival. Of course some women (generally the ones with a high degree of intelligence) also desire males with a sence of deepness or even novelty but that too is a sign that the male has traits of strength and cleverness that enable him to survive in a competitive world.

Yes, personality and love do fit in but those are things that must show themselves after the initial attraction has taken place.

[diniz09]

hahaha Thats not true at all, Non members care a lot about looks too. Maybe just as much as members because looks are important. As pres Hinckley said we must be physically atracted to our partners. In my patriarchal blessing states I will marry a BEUTIFUL young lady which means i need to marry a girl that i think its good looking... Im decided i wont do any charity anymore by going out with inactractive girls... plus ugly girls will say aything that is wrong with me to make themselfs feel better while cute girls are so sweet to me.

[RachelleDrew]

You know it's funny, I don't disagree with what Fian is (was) saying at all. Physical appearance is important, we can dislike it until the cows come home but it's the truth.

However, For a good two years I was a good 30lbs overweight because I had quit smoking and ate like an idiot to stave off the cravings.

I was also almost 70lbs overweight after the birth of my son.

But I never had a problem getting men to ask me on dates, or to think I was attractive. We're talking good-looking men too. Mormon men and non-Mormon men alike. Now that i'm fit again, the number hasn't gone up any. But then, the number was high to begin with.

Attraction is essential, but I think you are thinking of attraction in too broad of a sense. It's not about looking like Barbie per se. Bathe daily, eat healthily and exercise. You don't have to go overboard for most guys, just follow the word of wisdom and you will be fit and healthy for your body type.

Wear clothes that are flattering to your shape and that fit your personality. Don't go nuts with the makeup, but some looks nice. Smile, a LOT. Don't diss yourself or put yourself down in front of guys, they get annoyed when we do that. Don't put other people down in front of guys. Ask them about themselves, don't jabber on about your own crap constantly. Be gracious and appreciative on dates. Don't be a psycho, don't be desperate. Don't hint at marriage after you've known him all of three minutes. Don't go out with someone just because you think that's the best you can do.

I don't care if you are a size six or a size sixteen, blonde, brunette redhead or purple haired. If you just act like a decent human being, look YOUR best and don't make an epic fool of yourself someone of value WILL find you attractive. So what if some others don't? I don't find Brad Pitt to be the most attractive man in the US, and i'm pretty sure he isn't crying himself to sleep over it.