After 19 months, I transgressed.

[Guest JHM-in-Bountiful]

I'm not sure how to word this due to the fact that anyone can view this forum. I want to try to keep the topic G rated. Many of you know my situation that drove me away from the church. In 2007 I repented and made a full return to the church. I was rebaptized in July 2008. I plan to get my endowments this Summer. There are major issues such as same gender attraction & sexual addiction I deal with. For 19 months, I have had good progress in obstaining from the temptations. Well until, tonight. For the past few weeks my physical feelings have been very itense, especially while dreaming. The dreams are disturbing & I've discussed them with my Bishop. He really did not give much advice on that issue. Getting back to the issue I "took care of the strong urge". I was alone but used the internet in my action. In 19 months this was the first time I willingly did such a thing. after the act, i physically feel grounded again, but spiritually I'm confused. I do not want to get back into the old patterns. I do commend myself going 19 months. I don't see those 19 months as being wiped out and having to start over again. My addiction will be a life long issue. This was my first stumble since I took hold of the issue 19 months ago. How do I repent? If you get what I'm talking about, this issue could have gone much further wich would result in a more serious transgression. Married couples have each other. I'm unable to be married or have a partner. All I can do is bottle up my "feelings , urges" in order to remain worthy. In a "G" rated way of talking. What are some ways to help with the issue when it comes up again. It may be another 19 months if it happens again. I DO KNOW THROUGH THE ATONEMENT I'M FORGIVEN PROVIDED I TRULY REPENT. I do hold the priesthood and help with the sacrament. I want to continue to help serve others. Thanks for letting me write about this. I also apologize for those who may be offended with the subject matter.

[Maxel]

JHM-

Don't beat yourself up. When battling addiction, relapses are extremely common, and not something to get overly excited about. I would pray (I assume you've done that already; do it again!) for wisdom. Every case is different. The most worrisome part about your story (from the view of a fellow recovering addict) is the constant temptation and the worry about bringing the transgression much farther than it has already. If you think there's a serious probability of that, I would advise you finding someone you know and trust (not just over the internet) and talking to them about it. Through prayerful forward motion, you'll find the answer you need.

In any case, I would go to your bishop and tell him about it and ask him if he feels any disciplinary action is needed (such as abstaining from the sacrament for a while).

Don't worry too much about it unless it happens again. As you said, the door is open for you to fall into more serious transgression. Good luck, and God bless you.

[Hemidakota]

Never apologize. We all have weaknesses and dol struggle over some of them through out life. It is our repentance that keeps moving forward in trying to overcoming those fail points of life. Yes! Even I complained to the Lord with tears stating to Him I do arbor sin and why can't over come every little thing of life.

In light of that, what comes through those divine moments, it starts with controlling the thoughts first but not allowing them to fester at all. In keeping every living moments on GOD and building the kingdom. If our time is spent in doing so, we are too busy to sin, to think on unrighteous thoughts, and begin to see a greater transformation of our own soul.

Being alone is an issue for you but have you considered, there are always someone watching in person or from a distance? When we get those urges at that moment, think about who is watching across the veil.

Do not look to the past a measurable point but look at each day as a victory over sin. This is what is given to me. Having those dreams have a purpose and not to worry over.

Last, I have seen lately a striking pattern of church members fallen to personal weaknesses this past two weeks I have encountered and your post only adds to this suspicion. :)

[cofchristcousin]

I will keep you in my prayers in your struggles with addiction, and in your striving to build a faithful life. I am sure that pleases God, and he is with you every step.

Stacie

[Guest tomk]

JHM:

For over 20 years I struggled with masturbation and porn with no idea of how to stop or any understanding of why my repentance seemed to be an endless cycle.

I still struggle -- but one thing is different. I know in whom I can trust. I know that only Jesus can strengthen me sufficient to withstand temptation.

But in order to have that strengthening power I must choose to remain close to Him.

It is a lifetime process, as you said.

Our surrender must deepen, bit by bit.

Your 19 months are amazing. So you had a few moments of rebellion. Set that aside and strive for another 19 months. Don't let Satan discourage you.

One tool of my recovery that has helped me significantly has been the tool of Writing.

The process is described here:

Not Left Comfortless: Counseling with the Lord in Writing

[RainofGold]

JHM,

I wanted to tell you that I admire your courage, humility, your faith in the Lord and your strong testimony of the church.

Knowing who you are and why you are here has brought you back to the church. Heavenly Father loves you unconditionally and He is with you, even when you don't do what is right.

You are stronger than you think and just because you had a "weak moment" doesn't make you weak. No one is perfect.....

Rain

[jolee65]

your situation is difficult and im sorry for you pain. Please continue forward, take sacrament continue to pray. you are only human and your right everyone needs someone and your day will come.

[bytor2112]

Hello JHM,

I was wondering........ Have you ever considered a "companionship" with an LDS woman who might be struggling with same gender attraction? Marriage, after all isn't about sex or sexual attraction only. Certainly it is a component of marriage, but marriage is also about friendship and a deep and abiding love on an other than physical level. No doubt, there are many marriages where sexual attraction doesn't exist or sexual intimacy doesn't exist do to physical or mental problems or just no interest, yet, these marriages can thrive and be as deep and filled with meaning and fulfillment as a very sexually charged relationship. It might be better than loneliness and would be the opportunity to have a companion that struggles in the same manner and is seeking to overcome and move forward. Just a thought......

Regarding your transgression.......hang in there, don't forget, none of us are perfect and we all battle our own demons and most of all.....you are a beloved son of Deity....of Royal Birth and without a doubt the Lord knows your struggle and has watched your valiant efforts at resisting something that most of us may not understand. God Bless!!!!!!:)

[NeuroTypical]

Strength @ JHM.

Stay strong, even if you've experienced a bout of weakness. It's our mortal lot in life to occasionally fall and sin. Get back up on the horse and don't look back.

19 months is a badge of honor. It is evidence that you can do it.

LM

[Art_in_Heaven]

If you were without sin you would be Jesus, but you're not, you're just a man, and you're weak, just like the rest of us.

So, to the rest of the guys out there, who wants to cast the first stone? I certainly don't!

[bytor2112]

If you were without sin you would be Jesus, but you're not, you're just a man, and you're weak, just like the rest of us.

So, to the rest of the guys out there, who wants to cast the first stone? I certainly don't!

No doubt....we all live in glass houses

[tanuvasamama]

wow, I admire your strength in seeking help with this. I also admire the members of this site and their understanding.

Like everyone said, we all slip up from time to time. 19 months is a long time and way to go on staying strong for so long. I think the most notable thing is that you aren't going to throw away all your progress just because of one slip up. We are here for you and are all cheering for you. I wish I had amazing words to help you through this, but all I can offer is my support.

[bmy-]

Keep rocking man. 19 months! That's insane.

Just a note: Stand back up, move forward, and it's no big deal.

[Guest JHM-in-Bountiful]

I want to thank everyone for your input. I find this site to be the most supportive when it comes to people dealing with their issues. Due to the advice mentioned I had a discussion with my Bishop over the matter. He agreed with alot of what was posted by many of you. Even my therapist. The Bishop suggested we discuss the matter further on this coming Sunday. I will also have a blessing done. In the mean time, I'll continue to pray and read the scriptures. I also want to thank those of you who submitted links and mentioned scriptures to refer to. They are a great comfort. Overall I see this recent issue being a dissapointment but not devastating. Not dealing with my addiction from 1987 to 2007 was devastating. Again thanks to everyone for your support.

[NeuroTypical]

Overall I see this recent issue being a dissapointment but not devastating.

There's a lot of wisdom in that sentence, JHM. I'm thinking many of us would have an easier time repenting and improving ourselves if we would look at our occasional failures through a similar lens. Sometimes, it seems like we almost demand drama and trauma when it's not warranted.

Thanks for sharing.

LM

p.s. My wife nicknamed our two girls 'Trauma and Drama'...

[talisyn]

Ouch, you have a rough road don't ya? I'm not sure the same sex attraction makes it worse, you are in the same boat those of us of a certain unmarried age are in, regardless of inclinations. The human body is subject to various instincts, one of which is the instinct to reproduce. Fortunately we are commanded to put aside the 'natural' man (or woman )

Mosiah 3: 19

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

I don't really have much in the way of advice except pray often, lose yourself in service to others (family is really good for me), and endure endure endure. I find myself in a similar position, and these are what works for me. Our Eternal Father in Heaven knows you as His son, and is mindful of your needs. Take heart in that immensely comforting fact. GL!

[ruthiechan]

No doubt....we all live in glass houses

I beg to defer. Mine's made of balsa wood.

JHM, you are awesome. I love your attitude of disappointment as opposed to despair or disaster, and your bounce back to working on your addiction. Thank you for the inspiration. You are such a wonderful spirit.

[lestertheemt]

JHM,

I just wanted to thank you for posting. We all have our individual trials/tempations....our own Mount Everest's to climb. By posting I think and believe that you have helped others on their trek..

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.

[SinnerMan]

My problem is that I know the right decision. I see it a mile away. I want to do the right thing. I even enjoy doing the right thing. And then, natrually, I do the wrong thing.

Im the worst kind of sinner. I knowingly rebel. I am a true enemy of God. But if you were to ask me how much I love him...I'd have to answer that I loved him very much. I am a pathetic child of my creator. Im brilliant, I know the gospel, I know the plan. I love the plan. And daily I forsake it and step into the darkness. Why? I dont have a simple answer for that. I guess Im just the prodigal son still away from home.

*sigh*

[winterstar]

Pick yourself and keep trying. Heavenly Father looks on the heart, and He knows the effort you are making.

[Gwen]

i read this blog and thought about this thread... i've not read the book but might be one worth looking into.... Emily Watts - Book of the Week: The Continuous Atonement

[Guest JHM-in-Bountiful]

The missionaries called me today and asked me to go out and help teach a lesson. There were 3 topics that were to be discussed during the lession. They were the 10 comandments, keeping the Sabath day holy and the law of Chastity. I had a choice of teaching one of those topics. Obviously, because of what happenned this week, I chose to teach about Chastity. I guess it was Heavenly Father's way of reminding me of what the law is about. The missionaries said I did a good job.:)

[tanuvasamama]

Good for you! To be honest, if it were me, I would have picked the other two topics and would have avoided chastity out of guilt. Your strength in confronting your issues is admirable. The way you are handling this is a wonderful example to the rest of us.

[yenni]

Pray, fast, ask for blessings, talk with your Bishop, and do not be hard on yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. Know that it will be a life long thing. Addictions of this sort are tougher to break than tobacco addiction. Resolve to do better next time and as you strive to do so you will. And through the healing power of our Savior you will be cured.

[jadams_4040]

I'm not sure how to word this due to the fact that anyone can view this forum. I want to try to keep the topic G rated. Many of you know my situation that drove me away from the church. In 2007 I repented and made a full return to the church. I was rebaptized in July 2008. I plan to get my endowments this Summer. There are major issues such as same gender attraction & sexual addiction I deal with. For 19 months, I have had good progress in obstaining from the temptations. Well until, tonight. For the past few weeks my physical feelings have been very itense, especially while dreaming. The dreams are disturbing & I've discussed them with my Bishop. He really did not give much advice on that issue. Getting back to the issue I "took care of the strong urge". I was alone but used the internet in my action. In 19 months this was the first time I willingly did such a thing. after the act, i physically feel grounded again, but spiritually I'm confused. I do not want to get back into the old patterns. I do commend myself going 19 months. I don't see those 19 months as being wiped out and having to start over again. My addiction will be a life long issue. This was my first stumble since I took hold of the issue 19 months ago. How do I repent? If you get what I'm talking about, this issue could have gone much further wich would result in a more serious transgression. Married couples have each other. I'm unable to be married or have a partner. All I can do is bottle up my "feelings , urges" in order to remain worthy. In a "G" rated way of talking. What are some ways to help with the issue when it comes up again. It may be another 19 months if it happens again. I DO KNOW THROUGH THE ATONEMENT I'M FORGIVEN PROVIDED I TRULY REPENT. I do hold the priesthood and help with the sacrament. I want to continue to help serve others. Thanks for letting me write about this. I also apologize for those who may be offended with the subject matter.

You are going to make it.:) {I "know"}