When to give 'The Talk'

[talisyn]

I cannot believe it's been almost 10 years since I held the most beautiful little girl in the world for the first time (I say this knowing full well every baby is the most beautiful baby in the world). It was just a few months ago I looked at my daughter and realized she left the 'child' stage and is well into the pre-adolescent stage of physical development, kind've like a german shepherd puppy, all big feet and ears. I now have the task of giving the talk, and I'm at a loss. There have been a few times when I was all ready to go when my heart just failed. I'm usually fearless, and I've answered questions when they've come up, but how do I get to the part of answering questions she doesn't even know she needs answered?

[NeuroTypical]

The Gospel Principles chapter on Chastity offers the following advice:

A Note to Parents

This chapter includes some parts that are beyond the maturity of young children. It is best to wait until children are old enough to understand sexual relations and procreation before teaching them these parts of the chapter. Our Church leaders have told us that parents are responsible to teach their children about procreation (the process of conceiving and bearing children). Parents must also teach them the law of chastity.

Parents can begin teaching children to have proper attitudes toward their bodies when children are very young. Talking to children frankly but reverently and using the correct names for the parts and functions of their bodies will help them grow up without unnecessary embarrassment about their bodies.

Children are naturally curious. They want to know how their bodies work. They want to know where babies come from. If parents answer all such questions immediately and clearly so children can understand, children will continue to take their questions to their parents. However, if parents answer questions so that children feel embarrassed, rejected, or dissatisfied, they will probably go to someone else with their questions and perhaps get incorrect ideas and improper attitudes.

It is not wise or necessary, however, to tell children everything at once. Parents need only give them the information they have asked for and can understand. While answering these questions, parents can teach children the importance of respecting their bodies and the bodies of others. Parents should teach children to dress modestly. They should correct the false ideas and vulgar language that children learn from others.

By the time children reach maturity, parents should have frankly discussed procreation with them. Children should understand that these powers are good and were given to us by the Lord. He expects us to use them within the bounds he has given us.

Little children come to earth pure and innocent from Heavenly Father. As parents pray for guidance, the Lord will inspire them to teach children at the right time and in the right way.

[Connie]

There is also a lot of good information in this book:

StrengtheningMarriage.com Online Bookstore

Note in particular chapters 14, 15 and 16.

[ninjormon]

I think it is important for kids these days to know younger whats going on, my five year old niece last week started asking me questions about babys, where they come from, how do they get out of the stomach, etc, shes only five, I think you can/should start answering questions as soon as the kids start asking. If they are asking there is a reason why. I found out it is helpful to start backwards, from baby to pregnancy to conception depending on the childs ability to handle the subject matter. My two year old knows that she came out of my wifes belly and thats as much as she can comprehend right now. I think purposely shielding and being overprotective can hurt a child as much as it can help them. I personally didn't know anything about baby making till I was about 16 or 17 and everything I learned I learned at school, it's more important for girls to know than boys at an early age.

[Elgama]

With everything else as a Latter Day Saint parent go with your gut

I think it needs to come quite early more and more girls are having periods at 8... Mum gave me the talk at 4.5 lol but I actually I think growing up knowing what sex was, gave me a lot of strength as a teen to stay chaste even before I was baptised at 15.

My daughter at 5 has a basic idea about how babies are conceived and that sex should only happen when she is a very big girl and gets married, she knows what a period is and that when she is big she will have one and that its her body getting ready to have a baby, she even knows about condoms as she found them so we just explained Mummy and Daddy use them when we are not ready to have a baby.

I know my instinct with my daughter was right as she is showing early signs of puberty already

-Charley

[Gwen]

i had a stake pres that told me once that by the 8th birthday there should be an open dialog on the subject. my 7 yr old came home not that long ago asking questions about sex due to things he heard from friends at school so we were kinda thrown into it. but i had been thinking a lot about it and knew where i wanted to start and how i wanted to approach it. i'm giving it in relevant pieces. i talked to the other parents of the kids involved and i was the only one not freaking out about the whole thing. think it through very well ahead of time and you will be prepared for anything. then go with it. i'm one that believes you should keep that open dialog with kids on that subject cause i can promise you the world will and i want my voice to be one they consider when making decisions. oh and i am one that believes boys should know about the development of girls and girls about boys. it's sad when you hear of men getting married and don't know exactly what a menstrual cycle is.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Gwen

[talisyn]

*smacks head with rolled up newspaper*

I cannot believe it hasn't occurred to me to ask for divine help on this matter. I guess the whole thing kind've blindsided me and I'm trying to not think of it. As much as I would like my daughter to stay in her own little Eden a few years more genetics has other ideas.

I've spent the past little while tallying all the things I have told her, and at what age. I'm thinking our family home evening tonight (we have them Mondays and Thursdays depending on my work schedule) will be devoted to eternal ramifications of personal choices. We've already talked about genetics and biological processes but I haven't done such a good job about linking sex with eternity. Well, linking sex with it at all to be honest lol.

[hordak]

We had sex ed in 5th grade. Do they not do this anymore?

[talisyn]

We had sex ed in 5th grade. Do they not do this anymore?

They do. But kids (esp girls) are maturing a whole lot faster. When I was in school it was 6th grade and it was already a year too late for me and a few others girls lol.

[ninjormon]

We had sex ed in 5th grade. Do they not do this anymore?

We didnt have anything close to it till much later on, and most of the time its a controvertial issue at PTA meetings on who should teach the children and with little opposition its stricken from the curriculum

[Elgama]

5th grade is too late to find out about sex - girls can start periods at 8, boys by 10/11 and incresingly it is happening younger. By that point children should know why their body is changing and from their parents the purpose of life and why chastity is important. If children as young as 11 and 12 are getting pregnant the talk needs to happen earlier

-Charley

[applepansy]

I cannot believe it's been almost 10 years since I held the most beautiful little girl in the world for the first time (I say this knowing full well every baby is the most beautiful baby in the world). It was just a few months ago I looked at my daughter and realized she left the 'child' stage and is well into the pre-adolescent stage of physical development, kind've like a german shepherd puppy, all big feet and ears. I now have the task of giving the talk, and I'm at a loss. There have been a few times when I was all ready to go when my heart just failed. I'm usually fearless, and I've answered questions when they've come up, but how do I get to the part of answering questions she doesn't even know she needs answered?

Is she in public school? You need to pray for courage and support and just jump in heart first. In all liklihood she knows more than you want her too already. Kids get a lot of information from friends, TV, etc. Its important that you use every opporunity to discuss your values and your hopes and dream for her.

Good Luck,

applepansy

P.S. The resources Connie and LM posted are great. I would also suggest For the Strength of Youth. Standards: <i>For the Strength of Youth</i>

[kathysmike]

One way I approached the Chasity talk with my son was too draw on the analogy of our bodies being temples, then asked if we just throw open the doors of our Temples and let anyone in, I then likened being worthy of and having a temple recommend, to that of having a marriage license and being married. We then had a good long talk about chasity, puberty and his responsibility to keep himself pure. This talk was prompted when I discovered he had tried to look at inappropriate sites on the internet, as a result he lost all computer privileges for quite sometime. I know I was inspiered to take this approach, he said he had heard our bodies were temples but never understood what that meant.

He has since come to me with questions as he grows. This has brought us much closer. Honesty and explaining things in a manner the child can understand is the best approach.

[hordak]

5th grade is too late to find out about sex - girls can start periods at 8, boys by 10/11 and incresingly it is happening younger.

-Charley

I never got mine:animatedlol:

But what is the average age? I have heard it was happening earlier due to hormones in milk.

[Elgama]

I never got mine:animatedlol:

But what is the average age? I have heard it was happening earlier due to hormones in milk.

lol dunno but we got our sex ed at 7 in school by enlightened health professionals, my school head teacher did the boys they were told they needed to wash behind their ears and stay away from girls

-Charley

[hordak]

lol dunno but we got our sex ed at 7 in school by enlightened health professionals, my school head teacher did the boys they were told they needed to wash behind their ears and stay away from girls

-Charley

Yeah but your a Brit right? Here in the states we have people upset that sex ed (to 16 year olds) might tell them about condoms.

Edited February 19, 2009 by hordak
cant spell

[talisyn]

They do. But kids (esp girls) are maturing a whole lot faster. When I was in school it was 6th grade and it was already a year too late for me and a few others girls lol.

Yikes! I reread what I posted and realized it didn't come out quite right. What I meant was physical changes had already taken place the year before, not the sex part ><

[Elgama]

Yeah but your a Brit right? Here in the states we have people upset that sex ed (to 16 year olds) might tell them about condoms.

:) we get people like that here too - I just needed to explain condoms weren't water bombs to my daughter lol kinda like My parents needed to explain vibrators to my little brother after he had been using one as a rocket. I just think in todays society if its left to late we may lose our precious little ones because of naivety

-Charley

[talisyn]

:) we get people like that here too - I just needed to explain condoms weren't water bombs to my daughter lol kinda like My parents needed to explain vibrators to my little brother after he had been using one as a rocket. I just think in todays society if its left to late we may lose our precious little ones because of naivety

-Charley

Oh goodness, I bet those were quite the talks.

[Elgama]

Oh goodness, I bet those were quite the talks.

LOL because I grew up with it being a natural topic it was more of a giggle than anything for me to do same with my daughter we just deal with things simply and straight as they come up.

-Charley

[RachelleDrew]

My husband and I discussed this not too long ago, about when certain topics were appropriate for their age.

Sex is a toughie, and I hate to be blunt but at ten my husband was already masturbating. Two years later, his parents gave him "the talk" about sexual purity. Twelve was two years too late. This is a kid who grew up in an LDS home and had never seen sex on tv or had heard it discussed in his home. He didn't even know that what he was doing was masturbation because he had so little exposure to sexuality.

Moral of the story? If you don't talk to your kid about sex someone else will. Or they will figure it out on their own. Does either one of those situations sound good?

Every kid will develop at a different pace maturity wise and sexually. Some kids may need to get the birds and the bees talk at six, others perhaps when they are ten. The key (from what I can tell) is to keep a open dialogue and give your kids a reason to trust you with delicate information. Then they can feel comfortable asking you questions, and giving you an idea of where to go from there.

You can be frank with your kids without being nasty. Kids who don't have access to accurate information about sex get themselves in a lot of trouble.

[tanuvasamama]

Sad to say, but in second grade a kid showed me a porno movie she found in her mom's room(not lds).

I really like what Linda and Richard Eyre say about talking to your kids about sex, in their book. If you want to check out basically how they recommend it, go to valuesparenting.com. They are LDS and I really like their approach to most parenting situations.

[hordak]

:) we get people like that here too - I just needed to explain condoms weren't water bombs to my daughter lol kinda like My parents needed to explain vibrators to my little brother after he had been using one as a rocket. I just think in todays society if its left to late we may lose our precious little ones because of naivety

-Charley

I agree. I'm a little surprised that 9-10 years old is "too late" however.

[Elgama]

I agree. I'm a little surprised that 9-10 years old is "too late" however.

I think its best its grown up with as a part of life, but if not then before puberty starts. 11 and 12 year olds are having sex and getting pregnant, that makes 11 too late. I think its better to understand why your body is changing before the change happens. And I know that being armed with information from my parents at an age when I still listened to them and regarded them as all important, was what helped me find the law of chastity very easy to keep, I knew exactly what I was saying no too

I don't know when my daughter will start her period or the ball will start rolling for my son, but my Mum in the 1950s started her periods at 8 and my husband was about 9 when puberty started for him in the 80s, by 9 or 10 for both of them 'the talk' would have come too late. For me it was 15 before I went through puberty on any level, but by that point I doubt my parents would be taken as seriously, and I would have had all the information off my peers, probably without the discussions about why they wished they had waited longer. By 12 for me I think the window of me taking in seriously what my parents had to say on the matter would have been too late

-Charley

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

I think the reason "the talk" is such an uncomfortable topic is because parents are uncomfortable with sex and sexuality in general. As Elgama said, arming yourself with information is the only way to go - and that means spending some time educating yourself before you sit down with your kids. I recomend getting a good grasp of the subject "scientifically" including the biological processes and various organs involved until you're an expert, and then use your LDS (or other faith) grounding to put all that scientific knowledge in the proper perspective. Get comfortable with it yourself, and it's easier to talk about it.

As far as when to tell them, I taught primary a while back and it amazed me how smart those kids were. Kids of 7 or 8 years old CAN understand what you tell them and you can tell it to them like they're adults (a lot of that teenage angst stuff is parents trying to talk to they're kids like they're kids when those "kids" are young adults). If 8 years old is old enough to be responsible for your sins, then it's old enough to understand what those sins are.

Just a thought - how sad is it that we're afraid of telling our children about one of the most sacred and beautiful gifts God has given us (sex), but we're ok with them finding out about death and murder when they're playing "war" at 5?