When to give 'The Talk'

[talisyn]

OMFLIPPINLEFTFOOT

Something happened today that made me think a bit. I am profoundly grateful for personal revelation, for myself and as head of my family. I just want to express my gratitude. I love my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, and the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I understand now why I needed to get my daughter prepared for the changes coming her way, physical and mental. That being said....

Why on earth would a 9 year old girl possibly need to have her period???????? Why????? WHYWHYWHY???????

I am not taking this very good ><

Oh good grief. Can I have a hug?

[GingerGolden]

Consider yourself hugged...

I think it is easier being a female to have started talking to my children and answering their questions whenever they may have followed my into the bathroom, for whatever reason. I am one who has no shame of my body or its natural processes, so it has been easier to answer their questions as they grow.

Just take your time and go with the flow. They do want and need to know...

Heck, I'm 49, my mother still hasn't told me anything...

We did have the little movie and pamphlet in grade school, thank goodness. But I do think most children already have some idea before then, either the right stuff or the wrong stuff according to where they may find it and as long as we as parents take the foremost active role in explaining different things to them as they grow it is easier for us and much better for the child.

[Elgama]

OMFLIPPINLEFTFOOT

Something happened today that made me think a bit. I am profoundly grateful for personal revelation, for myself and as head of my family. I just want to express my gratitude. I love my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, and the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I understand now why I needed to get my daughter prepared for the changes coming her way, physical and mental. That being said....

Why on earth would a 9 year old girl possibly need to have her period???????? Why????? WHYWHYWHY???????

I am not taking this very good ><

Oh good grief. Can I have a hug?

I am so sorry your poor little girl, I know how blessed I was being nearly 16, there is a book called Are You There God its me Margaret by Judy Blume I can't remember if its LDS friendly but I know it was great at talking about puberty etc we all read it at your daughters age.

She is lucky she has a parent that receives revelation and can guide her through.

-Charley

[tanuvasamama]

Oh my goodness! 9 years old?!? What is the point of that?

hugs to you! wow, I am stunned!

[talisyn]

Oh my goodness! 9 years old?!? What is the point of that?

hugs to you! wow, I am stunned!

Thank you. I was in the denial state for a bit, but now I'm in the angry state and I am currently blaming soybeans and milk with hormones. I think the next state is acceptance...or maybe lots of ice cream. Great, now I'm gonna have to share my pre-pms ice cream fests

You should see her though, she's so cute and confident. Why do kids want to grow up so fast?

[Guest]

First of all - HERE'S BIG HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER!

My opinion will not be helpful to you because your kid is already turning 10...

I believe in open communication for anything in my house. When I was growing up, any talk related to sexual body parts are taboo. Needless to say, I never had a "talk". When I got my period at age 11, I thought I was dying. I went to my mother in a panic and her answer was to hand me a box of sanitary pads and to read the directions. I am not kidding. I wouldn't want to repeat my early teens. I hated it - the feeling of always being confused, not knowing which story my friends are saying is true or teasing. My younger sister had an easier time since I "blazed the trail" for her.

Therefore, I am vehement in my belief that my sons can ask me any question they want and I'll figure out an answer. My eldest is 7 years old and he has already asked me how exactly did he get into my tummy and how did I take him out. Both my kids are c-section, so it was easy to explain how they got out. The putting in, I told him about his daddy and I falling in love and getting married and how our love was so strong we had a baby. When that answer is not enough to satisfy him anymore, I will fill in with more details. We've already discussed kissing and nudity and all that...

Anyway, I believe "the talk" is not a - one day I'm going to sit down and explain everything - deal. I think it is a progression - just like line upon line precept upon precept - from when they start to ask questions.

[Hemidakota]

We start very early and by the time they reach 12, they have enough understanding of what constitutes sex/sexual behavior, GOD laws concerning such, and not to date until they are either mature enough or reach the age of 16.

[its_Chet]

I first heard "the Queen Mother of all dirty words" when I was 10, in a Catholic school, from a couple of my classmates. I asked them what that word meant, and they told the teacher that I had used it and pretended to be completely innocent of everything. The teacher believed them, and expressed doubt that I had never heard the word before. She told me to ask my parents about it when I got home and I had no idea why she was so adamant about me not repeating it again in the meantime. Boy was she angry!

That evening, my Dad "fessed up". I got the whole talk. All I could think of at the end was that it was one of the grossest things I'd ever heard of, and I assured myself that I'd never do something so.... eeeeeewwww!!!

And then I turned 12. And things became very different.

Well before all of that, back when I was, say 8 or 9, there had been some discussion among my aunts about a friend of my Mom's who had been living with a man and they were not married. One of my aunts told me that what they were doing was wrong, and a sin. In my mind, this was exclusively limited to the concept of a man and a woman living in the same house and not being married. I wondered if it had something to do with the mortgage or chores. I had no idea about the carnal aspect of it. I think this was some of the most important advice I've ever been given. She didn't say why it was wrong for them to live together. But I eventually came to understand that there was such a thing as a law of chastity. When kids at school scorned such an idea and claimed that any and all unchaste behavior was in fact, not sinful, I had my doubts.

If it weren't for my aunt, I might have believed those kids at school. I think that the key thing was that she told me that a sin was sinful without telling me what that sin was. I was too young for "the talk", but I wasn't too young to be told that it's a sin for an unmarried man and woman to live together, even if they're doing it on "Three's Company".

[Heavenguard]

Now, let's see...

I learned about the physical elements of baby-making when I was in the first grade, it was part of the school program (for your reference: Canada, Catholic school). Some parts were taught by the teacher, and some at home by parents, with the same book - with anatomical drawing! But nobody really taught the 'moral' aspect to it, I think. In Gr. 7, I remember there was stuff about puberty, what's your period, that sort of stuff. But again, I can't say that there was a moral aspect to it.

I wouldn't be able to tell you who taught me to abstain till marriage, really. But I did grow up in the Catholic school system till I was 17, and in my church from 6 till now - I'm sure I picked it up somewhere along the way. I do remember who taught me to respect romantic relationships, though. I was about 12 or 13, and the person said something like: Treat your other person the way you would have wanted his last girlfriend (or boyfriend - I'm a girl) to have treated him. Do you want a guy that another girl has been all over? No, you don't. And you never know - any current relationship might end. He may have to face his special someone later - do you want to be the person that "ruins" that?

It meant a lot more to me then than it does to kids now, though, unfortunately. My kids that are about that same age now laugh at things like respect, it actually makes me sad and disappointed.

Btw, I'm 23, and my mom only decided to have "the talk" with me about 2 weeks ago. It went something like this: It's okay that you're dating, just don't get into bed with him. You haven't already, have you?

I later told her that she was about 10 years late in being a parent to me, and that by this point, any ideas I would have had regarding the topic would not have been swayed by her pitifully sad attempt at doing so. Spiteful? Yeah, a little. I do harbour some resentment that my mom didn't do very much to parent me when I was younger, but will do stuff like that now.

[Guest Alana]

I was raised by my dad until I was 10, then by him and my 'step mom' (totally think of her just as 'mom') Anyways, my dad did a good job explaining things to me, when it came up through out the years. He was so uncomfortable though, that it made me uncomfortable. Now I'm worried about being so uncomfortable, that it makes me uncomfortable. Jeese, like trying not to think about pink elephants. Anyways. Once kids are in school, they begin to notice different things between boys and girls, at least I did. I'm glad I knew what body parts were called, even the ones I didn't have. When I was 10 I got a 'your body' talk about my mom, about periods and such. She asked if I knew what sex was. I said yes. Not sure how I knew. I guess I just knew we had these body parts and that they were special and that they were part of the deal.

Oh and whatever you do, don't tell girls that guys only want one thing and that you can't trust any of them. Other than that, I did ok.

[its_Chet]

I wouldn't be able to tell you who taught me to abstain till marriage, really. But I did grow up in the Catholic school system till I was 17, and in my church from 6 till now - I'm sure I picked it up somewhere along the way. I do remember who taught me to respect romantic relationships, though. I was about 12 or 13, and the person said something like: Treat your other person the way you would have wanted his last girlfriend (or boyfriend - I'm a girl) to have treated him. Do you want a guy that another girl has been all over? No, you don't. And you never know - any current relationship might end. He may have to face his special someone later - do you want to be the person that "ruins" that?

God bless you. How I wish someone could have said something like that to my wife when she was a child! I cannot describe the emotional damage I've suffered and the scars that will accompany me to my deathbed. It really sucks to know that the candy store was repeatedly and enthusiastically looted before you showed up to PAY for yours, and to feel like the shelves are bare as a result. I bought the cow, only to learn that the milk was gone, stolen by thieves who came before me. And now there is little or none left for me, though I paid for it.

If the Church isn't already making this point (discretely, of course) with the youth, I strongly hope it will start.

[macpcmommy]

I don't remember having "the talk" with my parents. Sex Ed in my school was in the 6th grade if I remember right. I do remember my dad telling me a few times to wait until I was married before having sex. I wasn't a member of the Church then, so I wasn't really taught why I should wait or why staying chaste is so important. Now that I have learned those things, that is what I want to emphasize the most. It's a good idea to prepare how you will discuss the physical parts of sex or conception, but don't write a script. Keep it conversational and natural. That way the discussion isn't (any more) awkward for you or your child.

[ruthiechan]

Talisyn, here's a post a made on my site about a conversation I had with my six year old on how babies come out. How Do Babies Come Out? | Ruthiechan.net

I think the trick is to be as clear and matter of fact as possible.

I never got mine:animatedlol:

But what is the average age? I have heard it was happening earlier due to hormones in milk.

I believe it is, which is why we drink organic milk.

My daughter, at age ONE had tiny breast buds, which is what happens before a girl starts to develop breasts. We noticed them before I stopped breast feeding which was at 14 months. The buds were still there six months later. She went to a hormone specialist and it was determined to be the hormones in milk. We switched to organic. At her year check up on this particular issue the breast buds were gone.

[talisyn]

God bless you. How I wish someone could have said something like that to my wife when she was a child! I cannot describe the emotional damage I've suffered and the scars that will accompany me to my deathbed. It really sucks to know that the candy store was repeatedly and enthusiastically looted before you showed up to PAY for yours, and to feel like the shelves are bare as a result. I bought the cow, only to learn that the milk was gone, stolen by thieves who came before me. And now there is little or none left for me, though I paid for it.

If the Church isn't already making this point (discretely, of course) with the youth, I strongly hope it will start.

ummm...

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

ummm...

Ditto.

God bless you. How I wish someone could have said something like that to my wife when she was a child! I cannot describe the emotional damage I've suffered and the scars that will accompany me to my deathbed. It really sucks to know that the candy store was repeatedly and enthusiastically looted before you showed up to PAY for yours, and to feel like the shelves are bare as a result. I bought the cow, only to learn that the milk was gone, stolen by thieves who came before me. And now there is little or none left for me, though I paid for it.

If the Church isn't already making this point (discretely, of course) with the youth, I strongly hope it will start.

If YOU have emotional scars because your wife isn't perfect, you seriously need a reality check. Nobody's perfect, everybody makes mistakes and if you can't forgive your wife for hers - or her ex's for theirs - IMO you're going to have a hard time reaching exhaltation.

And yes, the church does and has always made this point with the youth. But the very young do not always do what they're told. And that, my friend, is where the Atonement comes in.

[its_Chet]

Ditto.

If YOU have emotional scars because your wife isn't perfect, you seriously need a reality check. Nobody's perfect, everybody makes mistakes and if you can't forgive your wife for hers - or her ex's for theirs - IMO you're going to have a hard time reaching exhaltation.

And yes, the church does and has always made this point with the youth. But the very young do not always do what they're told. And that, my friend, is where the Atonement comes in.

Consider yourself cordially invited to find out what you're talking about first, and criticize me second. You never know when that high horse of yours is going to buck.

You don't know me, you don't know my wife, you don't know our situation. You don't know who's forgiven who for what and when. There's much you don't know.

Spare us the pontificating. If you insist on throwing stones, improve your aim first.

[ruthiechan]

Consider yourself cordially invited to find out what you're talking about first, and criticize me second. You never know when that high horse of yours is going to buck.

You don't know me, you don't know my wife, you don't know our situation. You don't know who's forgiven who for what and when. There's much you don't know.

Spare us the pontificating. If you insist on throwing stones, improve your aim first.

Your previous comments, that you are upset with Puf's comments over, very much reminded me of the "damaged goods" mentality. You don't see women getting all up in arms over men having masturbated when a teenager, or equating a man who had sex before marriage to a candy store. It's rather hypocritical, and unfair.

I don't know why your wife chose to have sex before marriage. It could be anything from a simple lack of understanding the importance of law of chastity to feeling worthless to a reaction from abuse. Such extreme reasons can cause issues in a marriage. But, the atonement of Jesus Christ can make her a virgin again. Not physically, but in the eyes of the Lord, for anyone who comes unto Christ and repents the Lord remembers them no more.

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Consider yourself cordially invited to find out what you're talking about first, and criticize me second. You never know when that high horse of yours is going to buck.

You don't know me, you don't know my wife, you don't know our situation. You don't know who's forgiven who for what and when. There's much you don't know.

Spare us the pontificating. If you insist on throwing stones, improve your aim first.

You're absolutely right, I don't know anything about your situation. But I do know mine. My mother was married (sealed) for less than a year and then divorced before marrying my dad, and they had a good marriage for nearly 30 years before she died in 2002. My mother was also abused physically (and possibly worse - it's hard to get details about these things from my dad and uncle) by her parents. Their temple work has been now done (and accepted). My father was physically and emotionally abusive. Now we have a really good relationship.

I don't know the details of your experience, but the way you described it seemed (to me) to make a woman's virtue out to be more important than her personality, her faithfulness, and that incredible relationship you can have for all eternity together. Yes, virtue is important (worth dieing before sacrificing!) but when it comes to love and eternal marraige it's icing on the cake, not the cake itself. What you wrote sounded backwards to me, but if I just read it wrong - well I'm sure you'll forgive me :)

Now, I'm going back to some research on your other question on EMP attacks :)

:edit:

Ruthie seems to be more eloquent (and tactful) than me. Here's to the wonderful women!

[Guest]

Last Saturday, we went to the park to watch the fireworks and we saw a couple of teen-agers smooching infront of us. My 5-year-old exclaimed, "They're having sex.". Okay, that was like a super shock to me. I mean, there were so many people in the park that several groups glanced at us when he said that. On the spur of the moment, I decided to address it, right then and there. So I asked him what he meant by it and he said, "I don't know". And so I told him he must have learned the word from someone to have repeated it. And my 7-year-old chimes in that he said that word but that he told his brother not to say it because it is dirty. Now, that has got to be something my 7-year-old learned somewhere else because we haven't discussed sex in the house yet. So, in the middle of the park, without an ounce of privacy, I told them that sex is about love and that it is not dirty at all. It is something special reserved for married people like mom and dad and that it is so sacred that it is not a word we can just use willy-nilly. We have a house rule that Words are Important and that you have to use a word properly (to avoid them making up words like saying "You're so cupid!" instead of "stupid" and think that magically makes it okay).

So yeah, you'll be surprised at the things your 5-year-old says these days.

One piece of advice... don't even give any indication of any kind that sex is dirty. Sex is not dirty - it is sacred. A lot of marital physical relationships between religious couples are marred by their inhibitions having treated sex as something dirty their entire lives. Maybe it's just the Catholics that do it, I don't know. Just thought I'd put it out there.

[its_Chet]

Your previous comments, that you are upset with Puf's comments over, very much reminded me of the "damaged goods" mentality. You don't see women getting all up in arms over men having masturbated when a teenager, or equating a man who had sex before marriage to a candy store. It's rather hypocritical, and unfair.

I don't know why your wife chose to have sex before marriage. It could be anything from a simple lack of understanding the importance of law of chastity to feeling worthless to a reaction from abuse. Such extreme reasons can cause issues in a marriage. But, the atonement of Jesus Christ can make her a virgin again. Not physically, but in the eyes of the Lord, for anyone who comes unto Christ and repents the Lord remembers them no more.

I obviously have not explained the situation adequately. Of course, now I'd rather not, seeing how well it's worked out so far. I hope you'll understand.

I was only trying to express approval and support for something positive that was said, and illustrate the need for that kind of opinion. Not my finest hour, but my point, when correctly understood, is very much a valid one.

I'll leave it at that.

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Several prophets and general authorities have said that a person should die before sacrificing their virtue (you can see this illustrated in Abraham 1:11 regarding the daughters of Onitah). While there is forgiveness with true repentance, the Lord says to those who don't stray "...thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine."

And Anatess: kudos :)

[its_Chet]

You're absolutely right, I don't know anything about your situation. But I do know mine. My mother was married (sealed) for less than a year and then divorced before marrying my dad, and they had a good marriage for nearly 30 years before she died in 2002. My mother was also abused physically (and possibly worse - it's hard to get details about these things from my dad and uncle) by her parents. Their temple work has been now done (and accepted). My father was physically and emotionally abusive. Now we have a really good relationship.

I don't know the details of your experience, but the way you described it seemed (to me) to make a woman's virtue out to be more important than her personality, her faithfulness, and that incredible relationship you can have for all eternity together. Yes, virtue is important (worth dieing before sacrificing!) but when it comes to love and eternal marraige it's icing on the cake, not the cake itself. What you wrote sounded backwards to me, but if I just read it wrong - well I'm sure you'll forgive me :)

Now, I'm going back to some research on your other question on EMP attacks :)

:edit:

Ruthie seems to be more eloquent (and tactful) than me. Here's to the wonderful women!

I revised my last post to you four or five times before posting it. I can see now that I should have revised it another four or five times still.

Sorry about that.

Some points just don't come across very well in print, I guess. At least that's my experience. Your last post was absolutely correct, with the points you raised about the value of women. I certainly don't want to sound mysogynistic or bitter without reason, and I can see now how I might have.

Don't take it the wrong way if I don't try again to better explain my situation. I'm dropping this issue, and I think we're all going to be better off as a result.

God bless

[ruthiechan]

Chet, you don't have to explain further, but I hope you see now how it is that you came across.

[its_Chet]

Chet, you don't have to explain further, but I hope you see now how it is that you came across.

I don't have to explain any further, but in order to be properly understood it would be necessary.

It's only unnecessary because I'm dropping it.

[talisyn]

I love stargate sg-1 lol

And I think he was joking...maybe...gosh I really don't know O.o