Sealing to abusive parent?

[JanP]

My parents are 89 and 84 years old. Not members. They are in poor health so may not be alive much longer.

I love my dad dearly. I have done the temple ordinances for his parents.

My mom severely abused me and is to this day a nasty person.

I would love to be sealed to my father but not my mother.

My parents are very much in love and thru a revelation I realize that they want to be together in the next life.

Should I do the work for both of them and have them sealed to each other and me and trust that Heavenly Father will work it out in the end?

I realize that I am ahead of myself as they are both living but I would like some input.

None of my siblings are members either.

Thanks,

[pam]

My opinion. I would do the work and put it in Heavenly Father's hands.

[hordak]

Don't they have to be sealed to each other for you to be sealed to either of them?Don't they have to be sealed to each other to get to the Celestial kingdom? If this is the case you would be denying your mother blessing because of your vendetta against your father. I can't imagine that being the right thing to do. Besides your expected to forgive him here in this life. For his sealing to be effective (In my understanding) he would have to repent and obviosly stop the behavior in the next life so you would have even more reason to forgive him.

Don't hold a grudge and don't expect him to be the same person. If he made it to the celestial kingdom he would have to be a different person.

[countrygirl66]

I have had abusive parents and through many steps and missteps I am sealed to adoptive parents. However i have a brother that is sealed to noone because he can't bear the thought of being sealed to our step mom(monster). My only advice would be to do their work and then take it slow for yourself. Pray about it and wait for confirmation that it is the right thing for you personally. I beleive that you will get it when the time is right. Take care, this is a hard situation. Your in my prayers.

[FunkyTown]

Don't they have to be sealed to each other for you to be sealed to either of them?Don't they have to be sealed to each other to get to the Celestial kingdom? If this is the case you would be denying your mother blessing because of your vendetta against your father. I can't imagine that being the right thing to do. Besides your expected to forgive him here in this life. For his sealing to be effective (In my understanding) he would have to repent and obviosly stop the behavior in the next life so you would have even more reason to forgive him.

Don't hold a grudge and don't expect him to be the same person. If he made it to the celestial kingdom he would have to be a different person.

Hordak's right. Minus the Dad part. It's clear you love your father very much - It was her mother who was abusive, Hordak.

I would seal both of them. Who knows what the future might hold when they accept the truth. Maybe she will repent. If not, you aren't sealed. No harm, no foul.

[Elgama]

This is just based on personal revelation and why I would place it in the Lord's hands

My Grandmother on my Father's side was not a pleasant person in this life but shortly after she died I had a dream of this beautiful woman, who put her arms out to me said I am your Gran and I am all better now. She is only one of my Grandparents I know has accepted the gospel and not only that did it within month's of her death I had to wait to do her work.

My Mother also is abusive at times but since having a stroke which changes her personality I now realise it may not have been her that was abusing me but something within her that couldn't stop..

-Charley

[Maya]

My grat great granfather probably killed his wife... I think it ws because of alcohol. I have sealed the family.

I am sure these things clear up later. Some abusive people are sick.How much can be put to their hsoulders... God knows.

[Honor]

Being sealed to someone does not mean that you will be "stuck" with them for eternity if they aren't worthy of the blessings of the celestial kingdom. While we simply DON'T know the logistics of it all, another purpose of the sealing is to tie the generations together. If someone is not worthy to enter the celestial kingdom or you do not have a celestial relationship with them, I don't believe that our Heavenly Father will say, "Oh well, you bought it! Deal with it!" He is a perfect, loving parent, and your eternal reward won't be a punishment for an action of another, not to mention the fact that our perspectives will just be different in the hereafter. All will be made fair, just, and merciful. There will be no awkward moments at the family table in the next life. I wouldn't worry about being stuck, but for your sake and the sake of your children (if you have any), I would view being sealed to your parents as more than just being sealed to them individually, but rather sealing together generations previous that might be sealed to you and your posterity if they're not already.

Take this worry to your Father in Heaven. I promise you that he can bring peace to your mind about the decision you should make.

[Misshalfway]

I agree with all of this. Can you imagine anything abusive living in the Celestial Kingdom? God will work all these things out. I wonder sometimes if this earth life is just about doing the best we can and hoping the best we can even throw really long life time sorts of trials. God will resolve it though. And I believe he will involve our desires in who we end up sealed to for the eternities.

[NeuroTypical]

My mom severely abused me and is to this day a nasty person.

I would love to be sealed to my father but not my mother.

Well, we do all this sealing work so we can be together in the Celestial Kingdom, where no sin can exist. If your mom never repents and avails herself of the atoning sacrifice of Christ, she won't have access to that Kingdom, ordinance or no ordinance. And if you are unable to forgive her, you won't have access to that Kingdom either, so it doesn't matter if she's there or not, you wouldn't be with her.

Remember:

D&C 64:9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

Yes, that scripture does say that failure to forgive is a more serious sin than what your mom did to you. If this sort of throws you for a loop, read the story of the Quakers and the guy who shot up their little girls:

James E. Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” Ensign, May 2007

You may not be able to forgive as quick as these Amish folks, but you can get there. Believe me, I know. I've walked that road.

Good luck and God bless.

LM

[JanP]

Thankyou for all of your answers. I have forgiven my mom and have a distant relationship with her. We live a long ways away from each other and that makes it easier for me.

I keep hoping that after she dies, she will visit me and we can sort it out lovingly.

Jan

[Tru2u4eternity]

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with abuse from a parent. I know how you feel cause I've experienced it from my dad. Its very painful but I believe that in the next life things will be better. We will know alot more there then we ever could here. I still want to stay sealed to my dad even though he hurt me because I love him and I'm doing my best to learn to forgive him. He betrayed his role as the patriarch of our home and as a priesthood holder. He will be held accountable for that but I still want to be with him forever.

[JanP]

That's must be so difficult True, for your dad to be a member and hold the priesthood and then to hurt his little girl. I can tell that you are a strong woman.

I didn't realize that my not forgiving my mom had such dire consequences. I think I have forgiven her but everytime she speaks to me, I get hurt again. Guess I'm learning patience. I think that Heavenly Father has let her live this long, partly, so that we can have a better relationship. Many times she has been near death but manages to pull thru.

[countrygirl66]

I didn't realize that my not forgiving my mom had such dire consequences. I think I have forgiven her but everytime she speaks to me, I get hurt again. Guess I'm learning patience. I think that Heavenly Father has let her live this long, partly, so that we can have a better relationship. Many times she has been near death but manages to pull thru.

Remember to have patience with yourself also. Hurts that run this deep are not easily worked through. Sister Okazaki gave a talk where she stated that the average (remember average) healing time for children of abuse is around 15 to 18 years. This may be a process you will have to work through time and again. Remember to be kind to yourself.:)

[Maya]

My DH and I are sealed only to our kids...

Seriosly thought. The consept of forgiveness will be a very difficult step for many who would like to enter the celestial kingdom. Even an abuser IF he rigiosly repend will all his/her sins be forgiven and doors open to the celestial. How ever an abuse you can NEVER make undone like a stolen thing you can replace... that is why it is so seroius. The one that forgives a lot, to this will a lot be forgiven. Then again I dont think anyone has to be sealed to someone they dont want to and I also believe that the one who was abused does have possibilities to a "higer place" than the abuser, but only if the forgiveness is full.

The important thing probably is that we are sealed to somneone. There will be persons falling from the line and new ones repalcing them...

Best to watch for our hearts to be rigious.

IMHO

[cjmaldrich]

Heavenly Father is awesome. Jesus Christ is amazing.

I was a Social Work major in school until last semester (my first and last in the program ), and one thing that we were told to avoid at all costs is to say things like "I know your mom beat you senseless as a child and you dad drank away all of your family's income and now you're homeless. But you need to forgive them." This is called blaming the victim. This is also one of the biggest reasons that I left the program and am now on a path to either a career where it's my job to call people to repentance or where I just won't have to deal with the issue that often outside of my own life (depending on which way my career takes me ). In Social Work it's more along the lines of "Here, let me help you exact as much revenge as possible and maybe that will make it all better." I just don't know that I could be happy with a job where I either encourage people to be as un-Christlike as possible or else risk getting fired...

I want to be careful with my reply, though, because another thing that I learned and agree with is that people are entitled to feelings and being human. Who can blame you for not wanting to be sealed to an abuser for eternity? I don't blame you one bit if you harbor some ill feelings toward your mother. She's done something horrible by breaking the bond and trust of her own child. Maybe there is some resentment or unresolved pain. You're only human, it's not like you can just get over it and have everything be hunky dory between you and your mom as soon as you forgive her. She still needs to do her part if things are to be made better in this life.

Of course, the sooner you can forgive your mother, the better off you will be. Christ paid the price for your mother's sins and yours and mine and everyone elses, if we'll just come to him and accept that Atonement. Your mother will come to know the truth about what she has done and how it has affected others. She will come to know the truth of the Atonement and know that she can be forgiven of even this transgression. She will either repent or not repent, and that's her choice. If she does repent and it's after she has died, then the ball is in your court. You have her information and a revelation that she wants to be sealed at least to your father.

Imagine how eternally grateful she'll be to you for having the courage and commitment to perform the saving ordinances for her! Imagine how grateful she'll be to have eternity to have the proper relationship with her daughter! Most of all, imagine how grateful you'll both be to your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for the ability to forgive and be forgiven of even child abuse!

So I'm refusing to follow the Social Work stance of getting revenge. I'm encouraging you to forgive her as soon as you are able to. I'm encouraging you to do your mother's temple work out of love and charity for your mother, or at the very least a fellow human being and beloved spirit child of Heavenly Father.

I'm not in your situation. I've been blessed with awesome parents who have done a great job and I'm so grateful for that. I get so filled with joy when I imagine them coming to know the true gospel in the next life. I am so grateful that if they never join the church in this life, all hope is not lost. I can't even explain how happy it makes me feel when I think that one day I'll be able to give my parents the gift that I have now.

So I wonder how much greater that joy will be when you pass through the veil, and there will be your father and your mother waiting for you - rejoicing in the fact that they get to be with their little girl forever. I wonder how awesome it'll be for you and your family when you and your mother embrace and you will have forever to have the kind of relationship with your mother that every child deserves.

Maybe it won't happen while you're both here on Earth... It's not too late for a miracle in her life or yours. But it can happen at some point in eternity :)

Edited February 21, 2009 by cjmaldrich

[Mirium]

I have stated this before on these forums. I too struggle with being sealed to my family (they are not members either) and being with them for eternity, especially my mother. I have prayed about it and currently endure being in their presence and try to do the best I can for them. I feel it my duty to do their Temple work for them when they have passed over. I feel that the day I take my mother through the Temple will be be the hardest day of my life but I feel that until I do that and have her sealed to my father and her parents I will not find peace.

I forgive her but that does not mean I find it easy to be in her presence, I just strive to do the best I can. I will do the Temple work and sealings and leave the rest in Heavenly Fathers hands.

Regarding being sealed to her myself. I feel it is the right thing to do but when the time comes I will probably pray and fast about it first and maybe discuss my feelings with my Bishop.

I truly feel the Lord will make all things right in the end and all will be well. I've learnt alot about putting my faith and trust in the Lord lately.

[jolee65]

Theres things shes going to have to take care of herself when she gets there. Repenting is a process we all have to go through if its not done here, she will have to deal there.