PhD or moving to be nearer to "BF"?


mavreenrose
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i need advice..

i met my ex bf at the institute before he left for his mission.. we were classmates for a year.. when he went home to his province, that's when we became sweethearts.. after a year or so he left on his mission and i waited for him.. there were difficult times in the relationship but somehow we managed.. anyway when he got back we talked about marriage.. he went with my stake during our stake temple trip and we came up with a plan.. he was to work.. visit me and my family while he continued his studies.. however, just two weeks after he started on his job he quit.. and in the middle of the semester, he said he wanted to shift courses/ quit school.. then came the time when we told my parents about our plans.. things got so bad afterwards.. my parents were against it. my mother was especially adamant and told me she will never give me her blessing if i marry him when he hasn't finished his schooling and doesn't have a job .eventually we had more issues (my need for structure and his constantly changing plans, his lack of practicality on money matters and my need for my parents' approval, his lack of appreciation for the work i do and his lack of effort in the relationship and my lack of faith that things will turn out well..).. so we broke up..

anyway, we started talking again.. and we saw each other recently.. we discussed our issues and the only solution he sees is that i move to his province and work there.. with the global economic crisis i thought that that's a serious mistake.. i have a well paying job - stable and iv had it for 3 years .. and he works at a call center.. he says with my credentials i can find better jobs whereas his opportunities are limited.. i told him it's not just about the job.. it's about my family.. i said it would reflect poorly on him that i have to move just so we can work things out ..partly i feel slighted because he expects me to leave my life in my province just like that.. when i asked him why not he be the one to move because it's easier for him to do so being contractual and all he said he can't just leave his sister (he and his sister reside with extended relatives because his sister attends school in a different province from their hometown).. with that i felt like he thinks my life is of less value that i can just uproot myself that easy...

i am confused right now.. that's why i needed to let this all out.. i hope you can help me..

i just got my acceptance to BYU for my PhD applications.. i applied during the time we broke up.. i ddnt know what to do then so i thought graduate school is a good option.. secretly i was hoping we will leave together - to even the playing field, we will both be working,studying, and building a family at the same time.. i told him about my plan to go to BYU provo and i encouraged him to apply as well.. Undergrads from our country usually go to BYU Hawaii so he said if i marry him i can go with him being his wife.. i guess i was being proud but i honestly didn't want to be just an appendage when he applies to BYU.. i also want to pursue further education of my own, be a productive individual..anyway, eventually he didn't submit the paper work needed for his application..

anyway, this brings me to my confusion.. should i move to his province as he suggests? should i pursue my PhD instead? i really don't know what to do..

i know getting married and having a family would give me my greatest happiness but is my relationship worth it? or is the relationship all wrong.. if it is in some aspect, how do i save it? what can i do to resolve these issues?

if i should just give it up, i am also afraid that if i pursue graduate school i will end up alone.. here in my province, no one asks me out.. they are put off because i strike them as |intimidating|.. i'm afraid that the PhD will scare them all off...

marriage is important to me.. but i also want to marry for the right reasons..

marriage is important to me .. but if it eludes me, i would want to be able to do something with my life, hence the PhD...

but i do not wish to pursue it if it would make me ineligible for marriage..

Your thoughts please!!!!!

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Guest GoodnessGracious

I read your reply and I saw your profile photo. You are an attractive woman. I can't see you losing out on other future possibilities for marriage because you have a PhD. Some may be intimidated, and some may not. You don't have to let guys know after you first meet them that you have a PhD (once you get one). You can let them get to know the real you before you spring on them the news ( "hey by the way I have a PhD !" ). Take care Mavreenrose. I'm sure you'll do fine with whatever you decide to do.

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Maybe you should try to read your post from a different perspective? You have piled up a big long list of doubts. When there is doubt like this and if I was in your situaion I would say good-bye to him. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I see no reason to continue a relationship where only one person is making a contribution.

This is an important decision to talk it over with God.

applepansy

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Ok, from your post, it sounds like your attraction to him is that he is willing to marry you.

Something I've learned was that people don't change after marriage. The issues you have with him now will become bigger issues (and the same is true for him).

One of the things you have to decide is can you deal with those issues if you were married to him? Marriage isn't about love, romance, candles, etc. It's work. It's commitment. Sometimes it's even not liking him and wondering why you love him. Those things that bother you now--can you live with it if it NEVER changes? Because YOU cannot change HIM. You can't. Marriage won't change him. He can only change himself.

My advice for you is to seek counsel from your bishop/branch president (a blessing might be in order). Although your mother sounds very emotional, your parents love you and want the best for you. Perhaps trying to discuss this with her in a calm, rational manner--asking her for details about her objections--would be helpful. And then pray. Don't just pray, "should I marry him? should I move?" Ask very pointed, thoughtful questions and listen.

In his defense, I can say that he's in a difficult time of his life. He's now expected to be an adult and that puts a lot of pressure on someone. I would imagine it is even more difficult for a guy who knows it is his responsibility to care/provide for a family.

Sweetie, I made the decision a long time ago that I would rather be alone than be with someone who isn't right for me. You would be a lot more miserable being in a marriage with someone who isn't fulfilling his end/your needs. Being single is difficult, but there are many rewards as well. And you don't know your future. You don't. You speak of attending BYU--well, in case you didn't know--there are a lot of fabulous men that attend universities and BYU just happens to have a lot of faithful LDS guys who attend (/teasing).

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my experience is the very best men whilst hard to find are not put off by intelligence or scared by it.

Personally your photo shows a beautiful woman, you have a great job and are considering studying for a PhD - makes you a great catch he should be the one doing the running not you. If he won't he is so not worth it. My husband moved many thousands of miles to marry me - I am not as pretty as you, and had no job prospects due to a disability but I didn't want to leave a very old dog behind.

Look for a better man or make him chase you

-Charley

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Being someone who has completed her Ph.D. I can provide some of my own insights to the dilemma . And post some questions you may want to ask yourself.

I have had several relationships, none what they should have been, none that have led me to that which I need to be to be an eternal companion to someone. That in itself is my fault, or rather I needed to learn some things, and these things were nothing that I could learn in graduate school.

What you need to consider is that if you give up your program to be near someone, will it cause resentment in the long run? This would not be good for your relationship.

Just quitting and moving to be close to a boyfriend? Nope. If he were your husband and eternal companion, making allowances so that you can support him might be legitimate.

In my case, I have found someone who I can be an eternal companion with. I felt this even before I agreed to marry him. Funny thing to think of eternity before one thinks of time, but that is how it happened. I was at the dissertation stage of my Ph. D when we met, and while we were still just friends, I talked to him about this. Even the counselor I was seeing (because I was abused in my former marriage) told me that I needed to consider if in the long run, having more education than my man would cause issues. (this is something you need to consider if yours is not gettting a doctorate). The other issue was age, if I was okay with the difference.... (there is 9 years). I talked to my boyfriend about both, the age thing is no big issue... we both realize it just took me longer to learn that which I need to be. The education issue, he has an AA, and that is all he is going to get, is a non-issue. He is proud of me for what I have accomplished. And I know he is very intellent, knows and can do a lot more than I can..... I realize there are many ways to be intellegent and to have knowledge, skills, and abilities.

Love isn't enough. A lot of people say they are getting married or they are in a relationship because they love each other. Beyond love, how do you feel about each other? Can you be each other's best friend forever?

The fact of the matter is, that you are questioning this. I would look at this fact as a key sign in what you should do.

Yes, you should marry and yes, you should have children, if you can. Is it this man that is to be your companion? Ask the question, and then go to the temple and in the Celestial room find the answer. Don't lead yourself to the answer... let Father give it. That is what I did. And now that I focus on following the path He directed things just feel right. You will know, dear sister, because it will feel right when you do it. And it will feel confusing when you don't.

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Guest missingsomething

Take it from us... dont FORCE a marriage... dont settle....

Get your degree. Keep yourself worthy. Then Heavenly Father will provide a worthy mate. You will find as you age, people will be less intimidated by your brains!

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Your sort of kind of BF doesn't seem to have a great track record when it comes to responsibility. I propose a challenge to you both. If he can keep a job for the entire time you are pursuing your PhD then moving closer to him has merit. If he cannot, knowing full well it is the main condition of the continuation of your romantic relationship, then you have your answer (such things as getting a better job or a once in a lifetime chance to go to Paris will of course be taken into consideration). You waited for him during his mission. Now it's his turn to wait while you improve your income potential for the both of you.

BTW, even if your looks were such that small children ran screaming to their mothers and dogs tried to bury you in the yard you would still be a daughter of the Most High God and worthy of every blessing, even and especially that of a worthy companion. Don't settle!

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  • 1 year later...

Hello,

I am revisiting this post in the hopes that I once again get some clarity.

I went for the PhD. I am now in my second term of my program. When I left, my objective was get my PhD.. marriage will come when it will come.

Anyway, I reconnected with an old friend who I met at the institute during college. And I went in a relationship with him..

Anyway, I am now once again at a dilemma -- that is to stay in grad school or not.. ( I actually posted a new thread < http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/31417-stay-grad-school-not.html> , but I hope you will once again give me some insights..)

Anyway, I'm posting it here...

I just went through a break up. It was painful and I was blindsided. I never saw the break up coming. (I posted a blog about this -- The worst 48 hours).

Anyway, my ex and I recently talked and I now understand (somehow) why he broke up with me. I have to admit that at first my feelings of rejection overpowered me so as to question whether he ever truly loved me. The only reason he gave me was that the distance was hurting him. He is in Hawaii and I am in Texas. But when we talked, I believed in his sincerity. He just wasn't made for long distance relationships. I cannot fault him that. We were well aware of the risks associated with a long distance relationship before we got into this, but I guess he never realized it would hurt him so.

You see, he is graduating soon..and will be home bound in 2 months while I have years of grad school ahead of me. We did talk about marriage. He seemed intent in marrying me. He considered his options but if we get married he will be my dependent and thus cannot secure a living (We're both international students). He tells me he doesn't want me to quit grad school because these are my dreams..my family's dreams for me. He said he feels like things aren't falling into place for us and that we should wait. I wish we both handled it better. But we already broke up. I am trying hard to deal with it. He said he's still in love with me but he doesn't want a long distance relationship anymore. I asked him that if I pass by Hawaii on my way home for a break, if he would see me. He said he's scared to face me..and joked that we might get married at the temple in a rush. He said he actually planned to see me before he left for home.

To be honest, I can do away with grad school. When I left my country, I had a good paying job which I'm pretty sure I can acquire again. I am confident in my abilities in finding a job. I left because I was searching for something -- a sense of purpose..and grad school felt like a "productive thing" to do. Still, I place greater value on marriage and family.

In a way I feel like this break up had to happen.. I realized that I truly do love him. But right now, I'm asking myself if he is worth all this.. if he truly does love me as he says he does and part of me believes that he loves me.. Still there's this nagging thought -- if he loved me, then why did he break up with me just like that? I guess i still have very strong feelings of rejection.. I don't know..

Now i really am wondering what I should do..I am not totally unhappy with grad school. I am struggling but i feel like I can make it through. Yet I feel like if this is stopping me from my "happily ever after", then I can give it up and not think twice. Though now I am unsure how to proceed. Though he says he loves me, I am asking myself is there something worth fighting for at all? I feel like he wants me to make my own decisions without him influencing it, because I feel like if he asked me again to marry him, I will in a heartbeat and I'll say goodbye to grad school just like that. But maybe this is just some romantic notion in my head.

I need your prayers and insights please. I am confused whether to stay in my program or what. Somehow my feelings of loneliness is overpowering me these days as well. I miss my family back home. And I am wondering if working on my PhD is worth all this trouble..Add to that the loss of what could have been an eternal marriage.

Am I just struggling with my emotions? Or is there something substantial here that is worth fighting for?

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Please, finish your education!

He's already broken up with you; its over. Move on with your life, get your Doctorate, and find a man who'll meet your needs. Don't try and make him fit into a mold that he won't; don't try to fit into his when you don't.

And, like I previously said, I'm always looking for the future ex-MrsT if you're a glutton for punishment! :P

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Breakups are very hard. The first few days after my wife disappeared with my kids I was beside myself; of course I dealt with it by getting blind drunk for almost two weeks.

Then I went through the period of begging her via the telephone to come home (not knowing she had alread moved 700 miles away).

Then there was the anger, and finally the realization that there was nothing I could do about her and that I had to go on with my own life as best I could without my family.

I have 4 daughters that I miss terribly. I haven't seen them in a year, or even talked to them. I get an occaisonal e-mail from my ex-wife, but that's usually when my child support payment is late by a day or two.

I hate to think of my precious daughters going through what you are; but my advice to them would be the same as my advice to you; get your education, you're plenty young enough to start a family years from now.

I know what it is to be lonely; I know what it is to be isolated from your family (mine are 2,000 miles away and I haven't seen them in 5 years or so); but you can get through this. And you'll be stronger as a result.

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I'm sorry, I wish I could say something or wave a magic wand and make it better for you, I really do.

Its been two years for me and it still hurts, but it hurts less than it did back then, and every day it hurts a little less.

Just don't make any rash decisions until you've had a few weeks to think and pray about it. I promise you that if you pray for comfort and if you should continue your education, you will be comforted and blessed with the knowledge of what our Heavenly Father wants for you.

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Thanks FC. I think I'm coming to terms with it now. My ex is a great guy. But I guess he didn't love me enough to see me through. It hurts but I have to accept that fact. And just move on. As to grad school, I still have to decide on that. Right now, I just feel so vulnerable and I need my family for support.

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Guest mormonmusic

Mavreen -- one thing to consider is the perception of your parents. They know you and your family culture very well, and being older, they may well have a good judgment on this person's character and fit with your own personality and needs. Make sure they get a good feel for the character of anyone you're considering marrying and consider their opinion.

Also, I wish I'd received the advice I'm giving below 24 years ago. I married not knowing what my needs are in a marriage, and I married someone who doesn't naturally meet those needs. Although I've made my marriage work, it's been sheer hell at times. Other couples I know have not had these challenges because they lucked into marrying someone they were compatible with from the get-go.

I suggest you figure out what your emotional needs and how well your intended spouse can be expected to meet those needs and vice versa. Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and get a feel for the 10 emotional needs that a marriage counselor has observed in hundreds of couples in crisis he has counseled. Determine what your needs are, and talk deeply to your spouse about his family life, what roles his parents played in the family, and take the emotional needs questionnaire.

Go into marriage knowing what you need and how well your intended is expected to meet those needs. Figure out what his needs are too and ask yourself if you're really interested in meeting those needs for the long-term -- and if you have the natural inclination to meet them well. Although certain things seem important when you're dating, it's these needs that matter over the long-haul.

Also, -- long distance relationships are for the birds. I was engaged to someone in Britain for a while and a long-distance relationship is the most trying, artificial experience. You have to BE TOGETHER to have a meaningful relationship like this -- if you're not together, it won't be real.

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