Dating Non-Members-What can't/shouldn't I?

[SnakeJake]

hi, im 17 almost 18 (next month) and i live in pittsburgh, pa...not too many members out here especially youth..im a senior in highschool and i have been in the church my whole life. I have been to lots and lots of stake and ward activities and it seems like no girl takes my interest enough for me to date or that i would be interested in. HOWEVER at school there are a couple who i would definitely date IF i were able. Many people have talked about how we should only date LDS members no matter what (my parents). Well heres a little background info. I'm about to graduate...spend the summer here...then off to BYU...then a mission (woohoo) i have friends "who are girls" who are very upstanding and have good standards and are nice fun people! i can't see why i shouldn't be able to date them, its not just my parents, church leaders have expressed their views on this as well. It just really bugs me that i go to school everyday kinda hopeless...i'm sure most of you will just say...oh wait till college it'll be great! i don't deny that it wont be amazing but i really want to spend time with the people here, just because their non lds doesn't mean that i should just exclude them and not be able to date them! Another argument is that it will escalade to too much and could keep me from being sealed in the temple or going on a mission. I KNOW that won't happen. i know you'll say that "oh you can enver know what will happen" but trust me I KNOW. i am definitely going to go on a mission and marry in the temple. I just feel really hindered right now, not being able to date non-lds members and with the LACK of lds members, girls, date able, its really depressing! i think that church leaders should suggest dating around (which they do i know) but also with non lds people so that we can experience it and not live in the mormon isolation bubble...sorry that was long? what do you guys think? anyone agree? cause i feel stranded on this! and yes no matter what happens on the forum i don't think anything will change, cause my parents (well my dad at least) is one-sided...arguing with him is like trying to tell a brick wall to move...well let me know what you think!

[Celica]

I've seen this situation a couple times, most of the time people wind up getting hurt because the other person its'nt willing to join the church and they break up. Or a person joins the church for the wrong reasons. However i think you should be able to date whoever you want, as long as you don't date to convert!

[minemouse]

SnakeJake

I think its hard for u. If u hold out from dating a nonlds sooner or later the true girl of ur dreams will come. Think about it this way, would u want to be dating a nonlds when the tru love of ur life comes to meet u? Just some food for thought. I speak from experience don't date someone outside ur beliefs. It brings nothing but heartaches.

[Islander]

Snake:

Do not worry. You are quite young still and with much to learn. If a mission is a year or so in the future you should hold on for a bit on the girlfriend issue. Wrap up your HS education and go on to BYU while you prepare to go to your mission.

On a side note; consider that your parents and church leaders are counseling you in regards to dating. There is a significant amount of experience in that group and you should be wise to listen and obey. Experience is priceless, painful and always comes late. We (humans) are the only living organisms that have the audacity to disregards genetics and parental experience in pursue of our own misguided desire and impulses. In the animal kingdom is the shortest way to extinction. I say this with much care and affection for you, my young brother; you don't know that you don't know enough to date, especially a non-member. At this point it can be a hazard to you.

Have friends of both genders, go out in group but do not date until you are ready sometime after your mission. By then you would understand some of what we are sharing with you here.

[gabelpa]

Where to begin....

When I was in High School, there were 3 LDS girls at my school. One was the sister of a Linebacker, and could go toe to toe with her brother. The second,let's just say that by the time I came home from my mission, she had 3 kids,each with a different father. The third was my sister.

My main group of friends consisted of the outcasts from the other social circles, There were 5 girls,and me. We hung out outside of school as well, but I only ever dated one of them for any period of time. I dated a few others who were not LDS while in school. Shall I tell you something? I regretted every single one. I learned more about relationships, dating, etc while on my mission than before.

After my mission, I went out of my way to date only LDS girls,no matter the distance. Wound up marrying one living in Scotland. I lived in Southern California at the time.

[Just_A_Guy]

Jake, I'm not sure what to tell you since you've already made it clear in your initial post that you don't accept the traditional LDS teaching on the subject.

I'll just say that I don't think there's a problem with group activities with people who maintain high standards, regardless of religion, as long as you're not pairing off.

[john doe]

My answer is simple: you generally end up marrying the people you date.

[Heavenguard]

I'm not LDS, I'm Protestant. Would I date a non-Christian? No. Would I date a LDS member? Also no. The reason for both is the same: differences in beliefs. (Although the former stronger than the latter.) More so for non-Christians, but say if faith is at the centre of my life, and I want to share that life with someone, there's a lot of that life you can't share with that someone if they don't understand. That someone might try really hard to, but he or she won't be able to unless he or she also shares your same beliefs and values. If two people strive for different things in life, how do you share it?

Dating is (or should be) about marrying. If you're not going to marry someone, why are you dating them? It's unfair to yourself, and much more so, the other person. Heartbreak is not a fun game, why would you willingly and willfully do that to yourself, and someone that you care about? It's masochistic for yourself, and completely selfish for the other. Then you have to think about how you raise your kids too (if you do marry).

Now, that's just my opinion (which seems to be greatly shared here, not necessarily so in today's Protestant youth... Sigh). Some people do well in a "mixed faith" marriage. But for the people who do well, imagine how much richer it could be!

[prisonchaplain]

The Bible says not to be unequally yoked. So, if you are single, you should only date those "of like precious faith." Who is that for you? If you say all Protestant Christians are of like precious faith--or perhaps, Catholics too--then are you willing to become one? If not, if you really do believe you belong to the restored church of Jesus christ, then you answer is right there. Tough to practice, but pretty easy to discern, imho.

[Guest TheLutheran]

Hi Jake~~

We're not LDS (duh!!) and encouraged our three daughters to date Trinitarian Christians. Daughters #1 and #2 obediently complied, but Daughter #3 fell hook, line & sinker for an LDS boy (they are both seniors in high school now). When they began dating (over 1.5 years ago) our daughter's LDS girlfriends told her "he wasn't very LDS" -- not sure what he was or wasn't doing at the time to earn that characterization. He has since become more committed to his faith -- plans to serve a mission and would like to get married in the temple. I came to this site to learn more about the LDS faith as a result.

These kids have a very special relationship and we love this kid almost as much as our daughter does. Big issues lie ahead for them as they must address their faith differences at some point. It could very well result in heartache -- a risk they were apparently willing to take.

The LDS boyfriend shared his mom's story with us recently. She grew up LDS and dated the same LDS boyfriend throughout high school with marriage plans on the horizon. Apparently he met another LDS girl near the end of their high school years and he decided he had to choose between the two which he felt would be the better LDS wife and mother to his LDS children. He chose the other gal. Talk about heartache!!

I guess my advice would be to approach your parents with as much maturity as you can muster to discuss dating. Good luck!!

[NeuroTypical]

Another argument is that it will escalade to too much and could keep me from being sealed in the temple or going on a mission. I KNOW that won't happen. i know you'll say that "oh you can enver know what will happen" but trust me I KNOW.

No you don't. And putting the word in allcaps won't make it any more true. You're a 17 yr old bullteproof invulnerable kid - just like we all were. The maturity centers of our brains - the ones that are active when we're making important life changing decisions - aren't fully formed at 17/18, and won't be until our mid-20's.

No, you don't know. You can have all the certitude and belief in the world, but please understand, it really ain't worth squat if you end up in the wrong situation and your hormones take over.

(This also applies to LDS girls who are "just friends", by the way...)

[sensibility]

The standard that we shouldn't date outside the Church is above and beyond the official guidence. The Strength of Youth says we should date "only those who have high standards", and that's about it.

However--the sort of dating they're talking about is mostly hanging out with people and doing fun stuff together. It is not intense pairing-off, with kisses and committment and romance and love notes. Romance is for after the mission. It's for relationships that might lead to marriage. And it's never ever a good idea to become romantically involved with a non-member, because romance is what leads to marriage (and, indeed, to the escalations that can keep you from serving a mission or being sealed in the temple).

I see no problem with hanging out with nonmembers and doing fun things. I see red flashing DANGER signs when it comes to romantic relationships with nonmembers.

However, all that said: your father is your priesthood leader, and it's important for you to listen to his counsel. My opinion doesn't mean anything, since I don't have stewardship over you--and the Strength of Youth also says to honor our parents by obeying them, so . . .

[minemouse]

I agree with you sensibility the Bible says not to be unequally yoked. Its okay to have aquaintances that r not of your belief but don't let them stifle your spiritual walk. As a young person it may look greener on the other side of the pasture but I assure you that its not. Maintain your distance and choose to be with people that uplift you not hold you back. Your parents are your compass, don't go the other route it just leads to sadness--this is experience talking.

[Lolgirl]

My mom is a convert to the church,she wasn't a member before she met my dad.This is the case with quite a few of some very strong members in my ward.I would say it is your choice to think over carefully and pray about it.No one can tell you,since it's you and only Heavenly Father knows what is the absolute best for you.

[Maya]

You sound a lot like my son... 18. He will be going on mision late summer I hope. We have a few girls in our ward, none LDS in his school (not boys eiteher). One of his best friends is on mission his father was born LDS and mother joined when the boy was 1-2 years old. She is one of my best friends and soooo strong! But he did not meet her before in the university.

An other was a boy of a good LDS frend. He got to dating a girl... LDS girl... she got pregnant and he never ended up in mission.

What ever you do remember the girls of today sometimes are a lot bolder than before and they may take intiative faster than you can realise. To wait with girls until mision is over is great. I seen many missionaries that have a girlfrend and while theya re on mission the girl finds someone else.... Best to wait til after to fall in love.

What ever you do good luck and remember it is only up to you what ever you do, so kppe strong!