jolee65 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2009 I can understand depression and I know when shes depressed she usually crys alot and doesnt want to talk on the phone or she wont answer the phone and thats when I put a plan into action I stop over ,lol. she will try to get rid of me but i wont let that happen, she reluctently lets me in and I work my magic because I know how she works and before you know it she starts to rally over the next few days and shes good for a month or two if nothing big with the kids or work happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted March 11, 2009 Report Share Posted March 11, 2009 I have friends who want me to fix their problems, and those who just want me to hear them out and lend them support. Maybe you should try being more of the latter, even if she is asking for the former. She reminds me of my mother in law. My mother in law is very needy and it seems I'm the only one who will do things for her. Her kids just ignore her. Well, she got along just fine (as in same as always) before me, and would do just as well without me. We do things very differently, and that's ok. She is a different person than me. If it doesn't bother her, I'm not going to bring it up, especially while I'm trying to be helpful on the things she does want to improve. If you feel too stressed out by being around you friend, with draw again. Chances are she'll do just as well without you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2009 Well that was nice,.lol no she blames me for her weight gain by telling me how depressed she was for the few months i was gone, lol guilt trip. Im not getting that involved again I have a life and im volunteering here in the next few weeks so that will take alot of my time from now on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted March 12, 2009 Report Share Posted March 12, 2009 How dare you make her eat those brownies! LOL It's nice that you are her friend and have been for so long, but if she is going to use you in a way that lets her not take accountability, and it just brings you down, maybe you'd both be better off with a little time apart. I've had to do the same thing with a friendship that was just getting too dramatic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2009 (edited) LOL, eat eat I know you can eat more lol,....... I did stay away and im not getting rapped up so tight with all the stuff we used to share. She doesnt call but once a week, it used to be once a day, lol. She is very needy but i dont mind supporting her emotionally when she feel overwhelmed, she is a single mom and that is one of the reasons i put up with so much. Edited March 12, 2009 by jolee65 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenice87 Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 The last message and the one below have taken a great deal of courage to share with others especially in an open forum. I just no longer want fear to contol me so here goes: I am not saying that you should throw the baby out with the bath water but are not your issues. I had a friend whose wife had left him and we worked in very close proximity. He called me at my office and was absolutely distraught. I left work and took him to a professional therapist. Well, he did not really want any help because he lied and down played his problems. At the end of the day, I gave him a ride home and offered to have him stay at my house and he would get a meal and a ride back to work the next day. All he wanted to do was go to where his wife was staying. I refused to drive him for obvious reasons (obvious to me at least). We got in a big fight and he stormed into his house. The next morning his estranged wife called me at work to tell me that he tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists and blaming me. At what point am I fault for offering the help I could and he not accepting it. He lived and I am still friends with him but I am only in control of what is inside my hulla hoop. I hope your friend finds what she is looking for in this life and can live happily and I hope that you can accept her decision and be OK with it. I have struggled wih what your friend is going thru from both sides of the fence and have lost everything (family, job, house, every possession and nearly my own life) because of it and I used blame others for my state. A psychologist had only one thing to say to me: You are the most selfish person I have ever met. At the time I was in pain and needed help and all I could so was let my mouth drop open and sare at him. He was right. I know this is all over the board. Take it for what it is worth a real life experiene of the ability (with great struggle and even gretaer desire) to find where I belonged n this life and not impose my will upon other s for good reasons or bad. Greenice87 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 I recently had to distance myself from a friend for my sanity. Though I tell her what I need from her, she doesn't respect my boundaries and now that I don't call her much anymore, she'll call me to say she's been crying all day and that sort of thing - which is supposed to guilt me into giving her more attention. It's not going to work. I've had enough. I'm not responsible for her happiness and now that I have a baby, I just can't put up with her calling me 5 times in a row if I don't answer the phone, calling me at 11pm, etc. I have told her not to and she does it anyway when it's an "emergency". And to her, an emergency involves needing to talk about moving into a cheaper place sometime in the near future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 she is a single mom and that is one of the reasons i put up with so much. I've been a single mom for 10 years. While it's a difficult position in most cases to be in...sometimes you have to quit using that reason as a crutch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 I recently had to distance myself from a friend for my sanity. Though I tell her what I need from her, she doesn't respect my boundaries and now that I don't call her much anymore, she'll call me to say she's been crying all day and that sort of thing - which is supposed to guilt me into giving her more attention. It's not going to work. I've had enough. I'm not responsible for her happiness and now that I have a baby, I just can't put up with her calling me 5 times in a row if I don't answer the phone, calling me at 11pm, etc. I have told her not to and she does it anyway when it's an "emergency". And to her, an emergency involves needing to talk about moving into a cheaper place sometime in the near future.Im going to see if she can keep boundies, because mine are set and im not changing them and, thanks for your reply not everyone has been in a situation like this and when you fine yourself knee deep in it sometimes you cant see your way out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 The last message and the one below have taken a great deal of courage to share with others especially in an open forum. I just no longer want fear to contol me so here goes:I am not saying that you should throw the baby out with the bath water but are not your issues. I had a friend whose wife had left him and we worked in very close proximity. He called me at my office and was absolutely distraught. I left work and took him to a professional therapist. Well, he did not really want any help because he lied and down played his problems. At the end of the day, I gave him a ride home and offered to have him stay at my house and he would get a meal and a ride back to work the next day. All he wanted to do was go to where his wife was staying. I refused to drive him for obvious reasons (obvious to me at least). We got in a big fight and he stormed into his house. The next morning his estranged wife called me at work to tell me that he tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists and blaming me. At what point am I fault for offering the help I could and he not accepting it. He lived and I am still friends with him but I am only in control of what is inside my hulla hoop. I hope your friend finds what she is looking for in this life and can live happily and I hope that you can accept her decision and be OK with it. I have struggled wih what your friend is going thru from both sides of the fence and have lost everything (family, job, house, every possession and nearly my own life) because of it and I used blame others for my state. A psychologist had only one thing to say to me: You are the most selfish person I have ever met. At the time I was in pain and needed help and all I could so was let my mouth drop open and sare at him. He was right. I know this is all over the board. Take it for what it is worth a real life experiene of the ability (with great struggle and even gretaer desire) to find where I belonged n this life and not impose my will upon other s for good reasons or bad.Greenice87Im sure you think your situation is the same as mine but we are talking about someone you dont know and if you think this is bad for an open forum then you might not like it here. im not telling everone the whole story just what im dealing with now, to put 23 yrs of history in a single post is impossible. I guess why it has affected me the way it has is because i know that all of the time, effort, friendship and money she wouldnt do the same for me and how do I know that, because she hasnt been there for me when I needed a friend. But its not happening this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 I've been a single mom for 10 years. While it's a difficult position in most cases to be in...sometimes you have to quit using that reason as a crutch.Its not going to be a crutch anymore, she wont get the samething from me this time.I had helped her through a situation with her and her kids, last summer.I sat on the couch thinking does she apperiate me as a friend and all the things I do for her and help her with, I guess I was asking Heavenly Father but not in prayer, just a question in my mind. It was about a few weeks later she calls me and just started pouring out her heart about how much she apperiates me and how im always there for her, and she has never really showed an real appreiation for our friendship, I told her thank you that I needed that.We talked and we hung up, she called me an hr later and said the samething again , lol.I was shocked she was feeling the spirit, she kept saying I feel so good today ive never felt like this, I said really and im smiling and shes just feeling so happy the electricity was coming through the phone. I called my husband and told him about the conversation, he said wow she was feeling the spirit, I said I know isnt that great she got to experience it.I was happy for her and felt satisfied Heavenly Father know of our friendship and felt like i did deserve to hear a word of thanks.After writing that it makes me feel bad about how iv been feeling, and that it does seem like judgment and that I should except her for just the way she is. Maybe im afraid of being judged for being with her , I used to not care about what people thought, I had stuck up for her in public before when someone looked down on her for being unkept, a waitress or a guy she noticed, or an old school friend she was excited to run into but didnt get the same greeting. But one things for sure she needs to deal with alot of lifes issues on her own , thats how we develope strength, but I will always listen but not feel the need to give advice, but to show support that she can get through it on her own.Did anyone else see that light bulb come on, lolThanks everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GingerGolden Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 I will always listen but not feel the need to give advice, but to show support that she can get through it on her own.Did anyone else see that light bulb come on, lolThanks everyone.Yes I did.Good Girl.Maybe you should consider praying and fasting for her, it may do you both a world of wonder.Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenice87 Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 Jolee65, I did not befriend this man (tried to kill himself) becasue of what I would get back like a monetary investment. If you are not telling the whole story then would not it be reasonable for those that are responding to give advice based only on what it is you have written? Someone once told me that selfish people don't love the use. You can't choose how someone will love you in return. It sounds as if I have offended you but how you feel is your choice and blaming someone else for how they make you feel is just wrong on so many levels. Sounds like the 2 of you have a very strong codependent relationship. I won't respond anymore and you can reply or post with any measure of attack against me you see fit. Please remeber I am not the one asking for help on a public forum. Another wonderful phrase my wiser and more well adjusted friends would slap me upside the head with from time to time is this: Do what the grown-ups do and if you don't know go find one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) Jolee65,I did not befriend this man (tried to kill himself) becasue of what I would get back like a monetary investment. If you are not telling the whole story then would not it be reasonable for those that are responding to give advice based only on what it is you have written? Someone once told me that selfish people don't love the use. You can't choose how someone will love you in return. It sounds as if I have offended you but how you feel is your choice and blaming someone else for how they make you feel is just wrong on so many levels. Sounds like the 2 of you have a very strong codependent relationship. I won't respond anymore and you can reply or post with any measure of attack against me you see fit. Please remeber I am not the one asking for help on a public forum. Another wonderful phrase my wiser and more well adjusted friends would slap me upside the head with from time to time is this: Do what the grown-ups do and if you don't know go find one.Thanks for not replying anymore, theres nothing productive about anything you've said.I think I hit a nerve, this may seem close to you and your situation and your past maybe im not sure but its best to stay out of the conversation for now. Edited March 13, 2009 by jolee65 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marilee Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 I do have compassion for you. I have a mother and also a brother who are bi-polar, so I know you can care for a person with all your heart and be so mad at them at the same time. It does wear you down to deal with a person you try to help over and over and they don't seem to try to help themselves. You help them see doctors and get meds adjusted and then they don't take their meds. I do think a lot of what your dealing with has to do with your friend being very depressed which of course is part of the bi-polar. Maybe more of your friends problem has to do with the bi-polar than you think. My mom and brother also do very immature things, like you describe. You try to be a support to her but it does not seem like anything you say or do makes a difference. You want to do the "Right thing" and do what the Savior would do, but she is such a drain to you that she causes you stress and puts you in a state of emotional upset all the time. I think it is healthy to take a break for your own sanity. You can call or go by once a week or once every other week and check on her or let her talk and in between calls let the answering machine get her calls, if she has an emergency she can tell you on the machine, Then just turn it over to the Lord. Pray for her and be a bright spot in her life, but you cannot change her or dwell on her situation so much that it makes you crazy. It is important to set boundries and put your own family first. good luck my heart goes out to you. You are a good person for being a true friend to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thank You for understanding and im sorry for your mother and brother and there illness, also bless your heart for being there for them I know that your probably the one they depend on the most. Yes, im setting boundies and they will be kept. I have to admit the stress takes you to a bad place and her not being family you can really get a bitter feeling, she does seem to keep her calls down to a couple times a week and she is in a pretty good mood but tired from work and meds , thats one thing she does take care of , she takes her meds she said she cant handle the feeling of her mind racing all the time, so shes really good about that. The kids know whats going on im sure they both have there hands full and I do feel bad for them, but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. She did mention her oldest (son) showing signs of depression and I have to admit he did sleep for a whole season, up long enough to eat and hold a less then part-time job. I know that depression has to do with her Bi-Polar disorder, I can understand that it just gets to me being around it to much, im backing off and not letting it effect me and my life. thanks again for the post, anything else you would like to say is appricated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elphaba Posted March 28, 2009 Report Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks for not replying anymore, theres nothing productive about anything you've said.Greenice wrote:Do what the grown-ups do and if you don't know go find one.That is the best advice anyone on this thread has given you.Elphaba Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted March 28, 2009 Report Share Posted March 28, 2009 Jolee I think its sad you wrote to greenice in that way... You may not agree with what was said but you were unnecessarily mean... Thats how I read it ..... greenice said alot of helpful things in my eyes... mabey later when you regroup you can re-read them and see the good in what was written. Elph I liked this one.......but I am only in control of what is inside my hulla hoop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WANDERER Posted March 28, 2009 Report Share Posted March 28, 2009 you can't really live your friend's life for her...she might accept your help every now and then but that's about it. I don't think any adult women is going to let a friend turn them into a personal project no matter how much they like them...and even if she''d let you sort her out...those shoes she wears and walks in may be far heavier than you can imagine. Who is to say...if you had her life..that you would be doing better than she is? If you could possibly fix it for her...you'd have done that already. By the same token, I'm sure that you have helped more than you can know. If you don't want to be her friend than don't...don't make her be the friend that you wish you didn't have. That is no kindness and is taking advantage of her need to be your friend. We all change and move on in life and if you've outgrown the friendship then perhaps it is time to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thats why he wrote me privately and said he was sorry for taking it and making it personal. and he did take it personal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted March 29, 2009 Report Share Posted March 29, 2009 but you sadly do not see your fault....... He had alot of good to say .. you don't even see that and no matter what he said it didn't warrent the way you spoke to him... again my opinion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2009 And you are the police of all people good or bad , and look at the way you speak to people stay off my post from now on please. your starting to look like a stalker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted March 29, 2009 Report Share Posted March 29, 2009 And you are the police of all people good or bad , and look at the way you speak to people stay off my post from now on please. your starting to look like a stalker. Actually I was just trying to get you to see working yourself up and all and not stopping to pause ... breathe look at things calmly you might see them in a different light..... Since this is an open forem wher one can write and answer any subject I fing your acusations offensive but respect yourt right to think what you may.... Except you may not tell me what to do.. please remember in the future....I hope you get past all this frustration your pouring on this Forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2009 Whos telling who what to do, your a mess clean up your post so a person can figure out what your trying to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted March 29, 2009 Report Share Posted March 29, 2009 Well I may be quick to post before editing you got me there....... But even after reading my messed up post I think my intentions were clear. I am deeply saddened that your choosing such a negative path but I guess that is your choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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