Husband addicted to pornography and I'm pregnant


gppuddinpie
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I personally don't train. I don't know if Gordon Bruin teaches up there or not. I do know he has traveled all over Utah training people about addiction on the medical side, ecclesiastical side and also professional side. I am someone just trying to get the information out to the world, fast!

There are so many people looking for help but don't know where to go. I have seen the miracle of his proprietary system change lives. He is not selling it for an arm and a leg so I really felt he, Gordon, was truly desirous to help people change and not just get rich. I was blown away! After I read through the manual and started applying the things he teaches to my life, I knew this could help everyone. Even if you are not addicted to something, his training of the brain is powerful.

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gppuddinpie,

First, I want to say that I agree with everyone who has said this is not about your or about your attractiveness as a woman or about whether your husband loves you. I think getting support from other LDS wives is a great idea.

Second, I agree with the poster who said that your husband is not damaged goods.

My main point may sound a little harsh: I think you need to get some perspective about your situation. This is far from the worst thing that could happen in your marriage. Trust me, if he had actually had sex with or even had an "internet affair" with another woman, you would feel much, much worse. If he had told you he was gay, that would be much worse. If he had told you he was terminally ill, that would be much worse. For you (I'm assuming) if he had told you he no longer believed in the LDS Church, that would be much worse. If he had had a psychotic break or developed bipolar disorder or gone into a severe depression, that would be much worse.

This is a manageable, solvable problem.

From what you've said, he does believe he needs to repent, and he is motivated to change, and he is taking action to address this problem.

So do some grieving for your lost assumptions, get the support you need, and learn the difference between supporting him and trying to control him (which is not possible).

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I agree with gpuddin but you have to also understand that if he does not get the help he needs, unfortunately it could lead to some of the things mentioned.

For your marriage to be what it should be, change is inevitable. He will have to get the help he needs and you will have to help him through it. We have seen some pretty bad cases where the husband and wife were on the verge of divorce, when the husband finally comes in to get help. Unfortunately, he came in only because his wife wanted him to. It wasn't for about a year after coming to counseling that it finally clicked and he wanted to change.

This is the tipping point. It has to be his desire to change, not just yours. If he really wants to change his behavior, he can.

Addiction to pornography is one of the worst addictions because once you see an image it is stuck like glue. It is always there to be a trigger if he is (B.L.A.S.T.) see previous post), so he will have to learn how to handle those triggers. He is not a bad man for having triggers. All men have them but they have trained themselves differently to handle them. Once he learns how the addiction is affecting the brain, he can start to change the trigger to a positive behavior.

For example: I know someone who has been struggling with this addiction for over 25 years. Before he learned to control his brain, he would see a Cosmo. magazine and instantly start thinking of everything he has seen before (all the porn). Now, however, he recognizes it as a trigger and says to himself, " Yes, I recognize that there is an attractive young lady on the cover but I am not going to look at it. I will look away." Easier said than done but once he learned to master this. He has been sober (not looked at porn) for over 3 years. This is a miracle in our mind when he was looking at porn regularly.

Yes, your husband is not trash or waste. He is someone struggling with an issue that 90% of the men in the world are dealing with. Help him and encourage him. Read the article written for ecclesiastical leaders. It will also help you to understand how you might be able to talk with your husband.

Edited by InnerGold
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gppuddinpie...

So I saw that Innergold posted here. I went through the Innergold program over 3 years ago. I have been an addict for over 15 years. I have been married for almost 9 years. 4 kids now :D

First 2 years of marriage I did pretty good staying away from my addiction. In fact, at that time I didn't even think I was an addict. my first major slip with porn after marriage was when my wife was pregnant as well. After that things got worse. I would occasionally relapse. Sometimes I would go months, other times a couple weeks, or the next business trip. I always hated how I felt when I slipped. I would go to my Bishop and sometimes go a few months, then slip again. What was craziest is how different Bishops would react. Some would take my Temple recommend away, others would tell me to get to the Temple within the week and go every week.

Long story short, I got more and more confused. I thought my will power and love for my sweet wife should be enough. I thought I should be strong enough to just quit and do as the Lord wanted. I would go on scripture and Temple binges thinking that might "cure" me. It got to the point where my wife would just cry, and I would cry with her. I hated myself for a while. I hated my addiction. I loathed pornography 99% of the time, but when the burning got so strong, I would literally detach and next thing I knew, I had binged and went through the guilt cycle all over again. There were times I wished my wife didn't have to deal with me and my addiction.

Innergold Counseling (Gordon Bruin) opened my eyes BIG TIME. I learned that I was an addict (which I had already guessed but hated admitting). It made me angry at first. I learned that my healthy brain (frontal cortex) had been altered and my compulsive part of my brain (Limbic system or mid-brain) had taken a more dominant role. I learned the tools and daily routine to guide me towards sobriety. I learned that I had to do things on a consistent daily basis to stay sober. Well...it has worked!

Point of my post is the following: There is help and hope. I am doing great! My wife and I feel our relationship is as good as ever. There is no shame in getting some help. I had read various books and worked with many church leaders but none helped me TRULY UNDERSTAND my addiction and lead me towards a balanced recovery. Innergold did that for me. The biggest help for me was my wife's supporting me and being an accountability partner in my recovery. Her love and patience has been my saving grace. I love her eternally for that. I can't believe how patient she has been. So many prayers, fasting, and ups and downs but the Innergold program has been the thing that helped most. There is a lot of hope and growth that can come from this if both parties are willing to face things and do so with love.

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I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I wish it was easier to deal with these kinds of issues... Heck, I wish these kinds of issues didn't exist.

I am currently reconciling with my husband (who has more than just a porn addiction and left me while I was 2 months pregnant). It is HARD to deal with the porn. People who haven't been there do not understand the pain that feels like someone has stabbed you in the chest and you can't breath or think straight. I get it soooo much. (Right now my H is in such a fragile emotional state that we have not really discussed his addiction. That is going to be brought up next week at our counceling session, because I decided it needed to be address for me to continue in the relationship.) The biggest battle I am fighting is learning how to trust Heavenly Father and let the Spirit guide me in the situation.

Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling what you are feeling. Being pregnant makes this 100 times harder for you! I KNOW from experience.

Pray as much as you possibly can for peace of mind and for guidance from the Spirit on how to help your husband, if that is God's Will. If it hasn't been suggested yet, please contact someone you trust (maybe even your Bishop because of the privacy issues) and ask for a blessing!

My heart goes out to you.... PM me if you need an ear or a sounding board.

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<> When love for others become greater than love for self...the problem will eventually go away. In fact all the problems shall go away. All vices are of the self.

<> All people are given different weaknesses by the Lord and they are their own problems to solve in their life time. Each Spouse have weaknesses in at least 5 of the seven vices in various degrees. [seven deadly sins]

<> "Unconditional Love" is the greatest power on the earth and in heaven.

<> Another way to help is to throw the computer in the garbage or give it away.... and get a laptop where it can easily be locked away and used in a room where you are present

<> Never to use the laptop for games and only use if for business such as banking, research and for helping people on sites like this. Or go on other sites where people are hostile to LDS.

<> I really think "Unconditional Love" if allowed to grow...will in time solve all of our problems. There is no greater power in heaven or on the earth. How can darkness remain if we fill ourselves up with light a little bit every day. It can take years depending on the severity of the weakness...but if a person is willing to work at it and help cultivate "Unconditional Love for all things and people" I do not see how darkness can win.

After the Lord thrice refused to remove a weakness of Paul....he finally realized why. And Paul said When I am weak, I am Strong. For his weakness and his inability to master it at that time kept him humble and in a repentance mode.

2 Corinthians 12:10 - Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

I hope this helps.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Edited by bert10
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You know what?! I have been thinking alot about stuff like this lately. Especially with how much worse the world is getting.

My thoughts are:

What about the girl who marries the born in the church, returned missionary and he still cheats / gets addicted to porn?

What about the couples whose lives are ruined by a church leader who takes advantage of the young women and shes excommunicated? (it happens, I know someone, but I am NOT at all saying the priesthood/organization is bad or anything.)

What about all the people who have made every right decision their entire lives and still don't get to live their dreams and watch everyone else live it? (this was me)

Here's the answer I have come to.

BIG DEAL!

I mean sure, some of these things are a really big deal. And I know you are in a world of hurt right now. But seriously I think the church puts on this imagery of a perfect life if you are married in the temple and while I do know the blessings of the temple are real and sacred and their make good marriages I still know PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE and we are imperfect and sometimes fall of course and WE ALL HAVE OUR DEMONS.

I know people who have gone through these things, and guess what THEY ARE OK.

I know couples married civally who have never had the gospel and they are SO happy.

This may not be deep or waht you are looking for but it realy has impacted me lately.

So CHOOSE to be happy aand positive. Positive especially. I am sorry to sound harsh but you knew what you married. And just because someone is slipping doesnt mean "get out of the marriage." I mean seriously come on! You know what kind of evil is in the world?! You know how lucky you are you have a husband who knows his actions are WRONG!? IF he is willing to work through it then dont alienate him by showing him contempt! Support him and choose to love him!

I gaurantee if you get through this together you will both be better for the experience. We did not come to earth to live perfect lives or see how far we could get without sinning or making mistakes. This is mortality. Find the joy in life - ike a child that grows in you! Amazing! - and make the best of it the best you know how! And I highly recommend you do it wil love, patience, understanding and charity and all the other principles the Gospel provides.

Best of luck to you.

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(Right now my H is in such a fragile emotional state that we have not really discussed his addiction. That is going to be brought up next week at our counceling session, because I decided it needed to be address for me to continue in the relationship.) The biggest battle I am fighting is learning how to trust Heavenly Father and let the Spirit guide me in the situation.

Addiction is extremely hard and you are correct no one can relate unless they have been there. We have had several spouses comment on how valuable gaining an education about their spouses addiction because, for once, they understood what addiction is and why it is effecting their spouse the way it is.

Here is a what one of the spouses said about understanding what their spouse going through dealing with pornography and sexual addiction.

What I am saying, is a person must strengthen their logical thinking, i.e. their pre-frontal cortex to overcome pornography and sexual addiction. Get all the education you can. We have done a tremendous amount of research and you can learn a lot more about pornography and sexual addiction on the InnerGold site.

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My first husband watched porn when my daughters were little. Then he sexually molested the youngest.

Am interested if there is any correlation between pornography addiction and being around female babies.

Sorry if i am off topic here and I don't want to scare the original poster who started this thread. But I also wish the best for her and this has been bothering me.

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Pornography breaks down our logical thinking part of the brain so if someone is an addict what normally is appalling, disgusting, absolutely ludicrous, becomes a trigger. A trigger is anything that causes the addict to want to act out. Therefore, some addicts, having lost the strength for logical thinking are triggered by children. This is, unfortunately, why we are having more child/sex abuse in the world. This is why it is essential to build up and strengthen the logical (pre-frontal cortex) portion of the brain. That way an addict can recognize the triggers and put them in their place, logically.

Here is my disclaimer: Please understand, I am not a psychologist. I am only someone who is desirous to help addicts change and I have been doing a lot of research.

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