In Love ???

[lizinginholland]

ok so maybe i posted this last time in the wrong section lol but im copyin and pastein it so here it is :: HELP!! PLEASE! :)

Ok well im not sure if im in love actually. but ok here i'll give ya the story

LAst year at YSA camp, i met this guy, and we really connected, like not with a matter of interests but we just felt totally comfortable around each other we didn't even have to talk and it felt totally natural, and during the fireside we both felt such peace around each other. and we talked a lot of course, anyway he's 23 and im almost 19 he's been inactive since he was 16 but still goes to camp every year. he wants to come back to church and has been adjusting his life since i met him. he feels for me like for real and i can tell but im not sure how i feel about him..

when i met him i told him my standards that i wont have a relationship with someone who isn't temple worthy. and i would agree to go on a date with him if he would change some things, which he has, and so we set up date for this coming monday. Anyway he totally respects and understands my standards /conditions, and told me he doesn't ever want me to change them... anyway i still feel peaceful about him but with a hint of fear? which is odd because if peaceful feelings can come from god why would there be caution there? i have never been so cautious with my feelings so much in my life as i am now, im not one to start relationships off the bat i have to feel and trust the person completely so..but when i think of him being worthy and living the gospel to the fullest like i know he can! he has SOO much potential and maybe thats why im drawn to him and i can just see who he can become he is such a good guy he can be great if he works at it!

anyway.. i dont know. i've prayed if i should help him change and i felt to be his friend for now.., so thats what im doing. just being his friend and when he's temple worthy then we'll see.. but i feel somewhat uneasy about the situation. i know he feels for me and he's told me so. and i don't know if its because im not used to the whole relationship thing or if .. i dont know.. i mean one of my best friends who is a guy has told he loves me too. and i KNOW he would be a better choice ( returned missionary, strong in the church etc) and he probably would love me maybe more than this guy but even though i've tried i can't love him he's just my friend and i dont know .. man im confused!!!! what is your opinion? on making clairity of what im feeling and your opinions and suggestions on what i should do...

btw im considering on telling the guy that once he's temple worthy i would like him to serve a mission.. because i want to make sure that he's not just changing for me. he needs to change for himself and the lord... man its so complicated in my head right now!

please help! and what should i do with my best friend.. i know he would care for me forever and take care of me best to his ability and i know i could love him if i tried to like that but im just not attracted to him in that way.. i wish i would be but im just not.. dunno what's wrong with me

HELP!

[Jbs2763]

love is a funny thing, i used to be one that fell fast and fell hard..now i don't fall so fast, but anyways...here is how i know, or at least think i know i am in love

is he the first thing you think of when you wake up? who you are thinking of as you drift off to sleep? is he in every one of your dreams? do you find yourself thinking about him every waking moment? have you thought about how his last name sounds withyour first? etc etc etc......

and pray about him....

thats how i've determine if i am in love with a girl... and maybe some other folks have more ways of figurin it out

[Lbybug]

i think it's a personal thing for everyone. it's different for everyone. personally for me, the things JBS described are more signs of infactuation than love, but that's just me. for me it's a different feeling. sure, i do all those things, but if i'm in love with something there's just something more. hard to describe.

i was mislead to believe what love really was at an early age, and only in the last couple years have realized that it shows itself in different ways for everyone. i know this answer doesn't help much, but when you're in love, you'll know you are. even if people are telling you that you aren't. like i said, it's a personal thing.

good luck.

[Maxel]

Proceed with caution. Before taking your relationship to the next level, make sure he's fulfilled all requirements of temple-worthiness. Finally, figure out why you feel uneasy before proceeding: that's a telltale sign that there's an issue that needs to be addressed. The problem might not be him, per se, it might be something else.

[Elgama]

for me love is as much about the head as the heart, like Spencer W Kimball said any 2 good people willing to make the sacrifices necessary can have a happy and fulfilling marriage. I married my husband because I liked him, enjoyed his company, he was a good man, would be faithful, who could take me to the temple and the idea of sleeping with him didn't make me feel ill:)

My love for him grows every time he proves that he is a good man and a good father. I can't make your decision for you, but I would choose your friend and work on loving him. Like is almost more important than love as love is to get you through the stages you don't like each other very much but like is what makes the bulk of marriage great.

My advice is read the Eternal Marriage and if you can get it Achieving a Celestial Marriage institute manuals (the latter ebay and amazon have cheaply), as Latter Day Saints if we listen our prophets teach us a very different idea of love to that we see in movies or read in books. Get a blessing, pray and read what our prophets teach then make your mind up, because for me when you describe your best friend you clearly do love him

-Charley

[bert10]

If the person has charity...which is called "Unconditional Love" then you would have a better chance at happiness than anything else. There is not power greater than "Uncondtional Love" In heaven or on the earth.

"Unconditional Love" is what binds a man and women Spiritually. It is called the Tie that Binds.

IF you are not sure what it is...then learn all you can about it...and then teach it and see what amazing results it shall have in your life. Imagine to love and be loved in a relationship.....without conditions

Many a heart has been changed over time by this type of Love which knows no bounds nor limits. It is this Love that Jesus has for us. It is what saves us.

BTW God calls "conditional Love" darkness, because along with it comes fears. It is written he who has fears is not made perfect in love. It is also written that perfect love casteth out fear. Also that fear is Torment. "Conditional Love" It is what the world goes by and it also why the divorce rate is so high.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Edited March 14, 2009 by bert10

[Wingnut]

...we just felt totally comfortable around each other we didn't even have to talk and it felt totally natural, and during the fireside we both felt such peace around each other.

This is why we are discouraged from reading scriptures and praying with a boyfriend or girlfriend. We may feel the Spirit testify to us as we participate in those activities, and take it to be a spiritual connection with the other person, or that something was "meant to be." It's dangerous territory, because it can be very hard to separated the feelings. The peace you felt was probably more a result of the Spirit present at the fireside than the young man that you hardly even talked to.

... anyway i still feel peaceful about him but with a hint of fear? which is odd because if peaceful feelings can come from god why would there be caution there?

A very astute observation for you to make. God does not give us feelings of fear any more that Satan gives us feelings of peace. I still think the peace had more to do with the fireside than anything, and perhaps when you think of this young man, you remember being at the fireside with him, and when you remember the fireside, you remember the Spirit that you felt then.

i have never been so cautious with my feelings so much in my life as i am now, im not one to start relationships off the bat i have to feel and trust the person completely so..

I think it's personally unrealistic to trust a person "completely" prior to dating and getting to know them. It through conversations and time spent with a person that you come to trust them. In fact, when I was dating my husband, my first inkling that he was "the one" was how quickly I came to trust him fully, the more conversations we had together.

anyway.. i dont know. i've prayed if i should help him change and i felt to be his friend for now.., so thats what im doing. just being his friend and when he's temple worthy then we'll see.. but i feel somewhat uneasy about the situation.

It's important to realize that you cannot change a person. You can be a friend, an example, a support to him, but you cannot change him. He has to want it, and he has to want it for the right reasons (i.e., not just to snag you). If you feel uneasy about it, trust that feeling. I'm not saying he's a total whacko, but trust your fear. And if you want to learn more about it, check out The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker.

i mean one of my best friends who is a guy has told he loves me too. and i KNOW he would be a better choice ( returned missionary, strong in the church etc) and he probably would love me maybe more than this guy but even though i've tried i can't love him he's just my friend and i dont know .. man im confused!!!!

The best relationships start out as the best friendships.

btw im considering on telling the guy that once he's temple worthy i would like him to serve a mission.. because i want to make sure that he's not just changing for me. he needs to change for himself and the lord...

Great idea! I think that might also help him to know that you are serious about him changing, not just about him being good enough for you. And it will help him know that you have a Christ-like love for him (which is evident in this post and your concern about wanting to help him).

please help! and what should i do with my best friend.. i know he would care for me forever and take care of me best to his ability and i know i could love him if i tried to like that but im just not attracted to him in that way.. i wish i would be but im just not.. dunno what's wrong with me

Nothing is wrong with you. Just because you don't like a great guy doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It just means you don't like him. So what? Talk to your best friend honestly. Don't make up an excuse...just tell him that you care for him dearly but you don't like him in that way. At least not right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

i think it's a personal thing for everyone. it's different for everyone. personally for me, the things JBS described are more signs of infactuation than love, but that's just me. for me it's a different feeling. sure, i do all those things, but if i'm in love with something there's just something more. hard to describe.

I agree that Jbs described infatuation, although there are elements of infatuation within love.

i was mislead to believe what love really was at an early age, and only in the last couple years have realized that it shows itself in different ways for everyone. i know this answer doesn't help much, but when you're in love, you'll know you are. even if people are telling you that you aren't. like i said, it's a personal thing.

I also definitely agree that when you're really in love, you'll know it.

I can't make your decision for you, but I would choose your friend and work on loving him.

@OP...you stated that you are almost 19, which means you graduated from high school when? Last year? I wouldn't choose either of them right now. You've got plenty of time.

[Guest Godless]

First things first. You're young. Hence, there's no need to feel like you need to figure all of this out now. Give yourself some time and see how things play out with this guy. Over time, I'm sure you'll begin to figure out whether or not you have a future with him.

Based on the information you've provided, I don't think it would be a good idea to try to force yourself into a relationship with your best friend. Getting romantically involved with a best friend is usually a thin-ice situation to begin with, and the fact that you don't feel about him the way that he does for you really doesn't help. The way I see it, there's no future there. That's just my opinion though. I don't know the full situation.

One thing in your post that really got my attention:

btw im considering on telling the guy that once he's temple worthy i would like him to serve a mission.. because i want to make sure that he's not just changing for me. he needs to change for himself and the lord.

Personally, I think that's a really, really bad idea. If he wants to serve a mission of his own accord, then that's great. But I really don't think you should push the issue. If you do, he may agree to do it, but for the wrong reasons. He'd be going because you want him to, not because he wants to or because he feels that God wants him to. Let him find his own spiritual niche. It may not fit your ideal picture of where you want him to be, but that doesn't mean that it's not where he needs to be. If you try to mold him to fit your standards, then you are doomed to fail. He needs to figure out for himself where he wants to be spiritually. You can help him do that, but you can't do it for him or pressure him towards something that he's not comfortable with or ready for. He's already committed to make himself temple-worthy, and that's a great start. Maybe a mission call would do him some good afterwords, or maybe not. That's between him and God, and you're going to have to respect whatever decision he makes in that regard.

[lizinginholland]

ok so i went on a date with the less active guy. well wait first let me start from the beginning.

this morning i prayed and asked that i will only be attracted to him as a friend so that i can concentrait on helping him and having good conversation without flirting or leading him on in any manner (i dunno i think i got it from my 5 older sisters LOL me being the youngest i learned well lol!!!) and well he was completely un-attractive to me. and i felt that i have done and said what i needed to say to him and now its up to him to change. and i felt like i should tell the guy that i wont even consider dating him unless he's changed. and well he respects that and treated me like a gentleman which was nice. but im glad to just have another friend :) anyway thank you so much for all of your opinions they've really helped. and well as for my best friend. we can still talk hours and hours non-stop on the phone or skype or whatever.. and im still keeping my feelings open. but i'm just not attracted to him in that way even in i try.. but im sure glad he's my friend. he deserves someone special..

anyway i just thought you'd like to know how it all kinda ended up. i feel really good about not feeling tied down with anything about the first guy ( the inactive guy) so i know its ment to be this way and i said what needed to be said so... anyway tell me your thoughts if you have any on this matter!

thanks again! your opinions meant a lot to me! thanks!

[nc31410]

When I think of love I think of this poem:

There is a risk involved in everything.

Every time you share a smile,

Every time you shed a tear,

You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,

Avoiding the closeness risk brings,

side stepping the things they can't understand.

Turning away from those who care too much,

those who care too long,

Those who hold too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love.

You cannot approach it cautiously.

It will not wait for you to arm yourself.

It does not care if you turn away.

It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.

It is not reliable, it is not cautious,

It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.

It strikes the strongest of mind.

And brings them to their knees in knees in one blow.

Even in the best of times, love hurts.

It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,

It hurts to be the other part of someone else,

without either of your consent,

But from the moment it overtakes you, it hurts worse to be alone.

Author: Unknown

Everyone has their own way of knowing what is love! But one thing i can tell you is that if you can't imagine your life without this person. If you see yourself wanting and needing to be with him, and having a life with him. And everything else you want in a relationship then you have your answer.

The caution you feel, is logical. Like in the poem, love is scary. It always has been it always will be. But its an adventure we all go through.

When I knew I loved my husband. Was when I had gone on vacation to California. It was the first time we had been apart. And I realized that I needed to be with him because he was the only one that made me feel whole. Even though he had imperfections as well as I did. That didn't stop me from having faith that he would be everything I want and more. At that time I wasn't a member of the LDS church.

After my conversion, and after receiving my patriarchal blessing, I kind of really got a sense of why I was with him. Heavenly father sent him to me when I needed him the most. And my progression lead to his. Almost like I saved a "lost soul!"

I think that the smartest choice for you! Would be to tell him exactly what you told us. That he needs to show you that he is worthy to be with you. And to live up to your standards! And if he is willing and you honestly believe he will change not only for you but for himself. Then maybe its meant to be. But I don't think that you two should start a relationship. Just so that there is no confusion on who he really is changing for!

GOOD LUCK!!