I don't know what to do!


leming6
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Here's my story. I have a twin sister who is in a treatment center for an eating disorder. I am not even supposed to know she's there. She has cut off most of our family. We know she is there because her husband did call my parents and ask for money but wouldn't tell her where she is or the level of her condition. We did find out the exact location of where she is because of the credit card bill. Her husband has lied to my parents and doesn't seem to respect them. They are only there for the money. Since she has been in the facility my sister has contacted me through facebook. She does not want my mom in her life and told me not to tell her I'm even talking to her. I don't mind keeping that trust with her as I have never broken that before. She hasn't told me anything about her condition and where she is and I didn't tell her I knew. I know most of her problem is with my mom and how she was raised. Now since I was raised in the same house, I don't understand where she is coming from and probably never will. I don't like the way they have been treating my parents and the whole family is upset over the whole situation. I want to be supporitve to her but I don't think I can unless she can be an honest person. I just don't need all the lies and deception in my life. Do I try to keep a friendship with her knowing the deception is going on or do I tell her how I feel and let her decide what to do with it? If she does open up to me about it what do I say to her? I'm a firm believer in you do things to yourself and no one can control your own feelings and actions. For her to be 31, married, have her own kids, and blame all her problems on someone else, I just don't get it. I never will get it and I don't know how to approach this situtaion.

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You say your twin sister is 31 - does that mean you are also 31?

I am not even supposed to know

According to who? Are you an adult, or a dependent child living in your parent's home? Not supposed according to who?

Regardless of your age, your sister's relationship with your parents isn't really your business. Keep out of it. Also it's inappropriate for her to ask for restrictions on who you can and can't share information with - in other words, your relationship with your parents is none of her business either.

I want to be supporitve to her but I don't think I can unless she can be an honest person.

Being supportive of someone lying is the same thing as supporting a lie. You shouldn't do it.

I just don't need all the lies and deception in my life.

My wife and I have solved 95% of our family problems by moving away from all the melodramatic people. 600 miles and a state line does wonders for the amount of peace and quiet in your life.

Do I try to keep a friendship with her knowing the deception is going on or do I tell her how I feel and let her decide what to do with it?

You don't want to keep a friendship, you want to maintain a status quo of not having someone mad at you. That's very different than friendship. I'd suggest you do the latter.
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As she is in a treatment centre for an eating disorder she may have underlying psychological problems too and the people treating her will hopefully be working towards solving those. If I was in your position I would just take it slowly and wait until she confides in you. Even though you were both brought up in exactly the same cirumstances and even thogh you are twins that doesn't mean you are going to react identically in every situation. I know it seems like a cop-out to blame problems on other people but unless a person is strong enough to understand and acknowledge that they will resent being told so.

I hope she rcovers from her eating disorder and gets the rest of her life under control and that you can resume a happy family relationship.

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Guest missingsomething

This time I disagree with most of what loud mouth is saying in regards to your specific situation. Willow is more on in my opinion. It sounds to me that your sister has strong emotional and mental problems. You can live in the same household and perceive things differently - so to her -she is not lying. Mental illness is powerful.

You can control how you react - you can tell her honestly that you do not remember things the way that she does and you dont agree...but that you love her and you want her to be happy and you will listen.

I have similiar situations in my distant family and it is very hard to go through. Just remember, she may not be lying she may actually believe these things. And with good counseling she may come to see some of this. Dont encourage her to use your parents.... and I would not trust speaking to her husband, as he seems to be part of the problem - I mean - I would not confide in him how you are feeling.

I think your best option will be to contact a temple and ask them to put both your sister and your parents and your sisters kids on the prayer list.

Before you do anything - pray and be still - let the spirit speak to your heart. Good luck.

Edited by missingsomething
fixing really bad type o's
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Addictions are not a problem but rather the symptoms of underlying issues which are the real problem. The hospitalized sister has tons of issues she needs to resolve. She is clearly exploiting her parents but that is between the parents and her.

The whole issue of secrecy and mystery about who is doing what and where sounds pretty dysfunctional to me. It is a racket and I wonder why the apparently sane sister wants to play those game with her own parents. "Secrets are of the devil" grandma just to say. If the hospitalized sister wants to have people at her side she needs to stop playing games, be honest and truthful and decide if she wants a relationship with the family. For now what she is actually saying is that the family is so bad she wants no part of it but she will take their money, just the same. I wonder why the parents keep being sucked into the racket.

Go figure.

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Thanks for all the input.

Yes I am 31 too and I'm not supposed to know because my parents were told not to tell anyone her situation. Because her husband told my parents orignally that it was a life threatening thing, my parents felt the rest of the family had the right to know what was going on. Now he is saying it's not life threatening and never was. That's part of the lies. The lies I'm upset about aren't from what she believes to have happened to her, there from the things her husband has told the past few months because of this situtation and from the one coversation I had with her last week. The rest of our family is really upset with her husband because of things that have happened in the past and now this. I have no clue what she thinks was so awful, I just know she doesn't want my mom in her life. Of course everone has their theories of what is wrong with her and most are blaming her husband. I think it is all of it together, my parents and her husband and also because she has left the church and doesn't have that in her life either.

I have been praying for her and we have all put her name in the temples we live near. I guess I just need to try not to worry so much and continue to do the praying. I need to let it go and let the Lord take care of it. I just wish she had enough respect for me and the rest of the family to be open and honest. One thing that worries me as well is that if her problems are truly from my parents then will she ever heal if she doesn't confront the problem?

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My suggestion would be to take whatever contact she gives you and try not to disrupt it. She is reaching out to you and apparently that is very difficult for her. So tell her how much you appreciate the fact that she is reaching out to you and how much you have missed her. Avoid focusing on the negative feelings that have resulted from the circumstance -- that won't do anyone any good. I think you can be honest with her about the fact that her husband contacted your family, but I would avoid sharing the family's negative opinions about what motivated him to do so. You might use that to acknowledge that you know where she is, but PRAY VERY HARD BEFORE YOU DO THAT! Pray for the bad feelings in your own heart to be lifted so you can be there for your sister without going crazy with all the things you want to say but can't.

For right now, she is testing the waters with you it sounds like. Be patient and kind. It can go three different ways.

1.) She can withdraw again and nobody will hear from her again, at least for a long time.

2.) She will continue to communicate with you, but only you.

3.) This will be the first step toward re-establishing communication with the whole family, and your relationship will be the key that makes that happen.

I'm more than a little puzzled by the husband. Is he not a member? Is he anti-Mormon? Is he abusive? Does he have some other excuse to harbor ill-will for your family? Or is it possible he is not the problem at all, and it is all in your sister's mind? There are just so many variables.

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Faded,

I appreciate your words. I think I will just let her contact me when she wants to and is ready. I want her to feel it is okay and I can be a pathway to whatever recovery she has to make. As for her husband, he got baptized before they got married. A few years ago he left her and they were going to get divorced. It was a huge mess and one thing he did say was he only got baptized because he didn't think she would marry him. Anyway, that part is a whole different story. I know he had a part in her leaving the church but how much I don't know. I think she is the type that always wants approval from the people she is around and since she took him back she wants his approval. So if he doesn't like the church, then she doesn't. I hope one day she will come back to the church but for now, I hope she can become a happy person and be happy with who she is and not what someone wants her to be, not my mom or her husband.

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Leming, it sounds like your sister has an addiction issue. What is causing the issue can only come from being able to vent to someone. This is the role of a therapist to listen and to be a sounding board and be privy to all of the information from the past to present.

I would never jeopardize a friendship with a family member. You don't have to condone the behavior but don't feel like you should completely leave her. She is struggling with some deep related issues. Generally, in my experience, eating disorders are stemmed from a low self-esteem. However, they will try to put on the face that they are fine and they have a high self-esteem.

I would personally recommend being a listening board. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything. Ask a simple question and allow her to go and express herself, even if it is negative towards family or friends. I know this is hard but it sounds like she needs to unlayer her issues. Like an onion, her addiction (eating disorder) has many layers and the outside is only to try and protect the layer beneath. Once she gets to the bottom, the complaining stops and a lot of time joy begins.

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Thanks for all the advice. Here is an update. My sister is out of the treatment center. She came out a very different person and I don't know if that is good. She has decided to leave her family. She is getting divorced and her husband is keeping the kids. I just don't get how she can give up and leave her kids with someone who kept her so miserable for 12 years. She plans on moving to CA, which is where she was in the treatment center. Her new attitude is a very selfish one. She has decided that her life has never been about her and it's time to be about her. I guess it doesn't matter that she is a mother and is walking away. She went back to Vegas and is staying with a friend. She has been there for 3 days and hasn't even seen her children. She seems to be still back in treatment and hasn't made the transition to the real world yet. I'm worried about what is going to happen when the real world hits her and she realizes that she still has a family. I think the whole situation is very sad and I am having a very hard time not telling her how I feel. Since she is talking to me I am trying to just be a listening ear but I don't agree with her new found attitude or the decisions she is making. I continue to pray for her and her kids and I desperately hope things turn out for the best for those kids. I just don't get why she came out with a selfish attitude and if and why her therapists would be supporting it. I mean come on, when is life ever totally about a wife and mother.

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This time I disagree with most of what loud mouth is saying in regards to your specific situation. Willow is more on in my opinion. It sounds to me that your sister has strong emotional and mental problems. You can live in the same household and perceive things differently - so to her -she is not lying. Mental illness is powerful.

You can control how you react - you can tell her honestly that you do not remember things the way that she does and you dont agree...but that you love her and you want her to be happy and you will listen.

I have similiar situations in my distant family and it is very hard to go through. Just remember, she may not be lying she may actually believe these things. And with good counseling she may come to see some of this. Dont encourage her to use your parents.... and I would not trust speaking to her husband, as he seems to be part of the problem - I mean - I would not confide in him how you are feeling.

I think your best option will be to contact a temple and ask them to put both your sister and your parents and your sisters kids on the prayer list.

Before you do anything - pray and be still - let the spirit speak to your heart. Good luck.

Concur....

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Yep, as stated previously, there is a lot more here than meets the eye. She is not telling the whole story. As far as your relationship with your sister; you do not have to be a listening ear if you do not want to. That is why she has a therapist. What she is looking for a somebody to validate her personal construct. The minute you articulate that you do not agree or support her she will not look for you "to listen."

It is doubtful that you can have a relationship with your sister, in good conscience.

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Islander-I think you're right. Through this discussion and talking with my husband, I have decided that I can't spend any more energy trying to figure this out. If she wants to talk to me than I will listen, not validate or disagree with her, just listen. I cannot pursue a "friendship" with her knowing the choices and lower standard of values she is displaying right now. I need to keep positive people and attitudes in my life to be a good example to me and my children.

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Leming, when people struggle with addiction, they do not think clearly. Eventually she will regret a lot of her decisions and unfortunately a lot of therapists counsel to think about yourself only. This is wrong because it can cause more damage to children than they realize. Stay strong, especially for those children, you are still their aunt.

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