Not attracted to wife

[prospectmom]

Rach is right it is a two way street... also she probably feels less sexy herself....... Mabey they could start walking together or something..... Honesty about it would help..... Touchy subject though... I have been offended by my husbands comments... My teenage son named my rear-end Rufas all hte teens at school know my back ends name and it is an open joke....... I am not offended as it is pretty obvious to pick my largest atribute... I am working on it now the comments are Rufas is shrinking :} I am ok with it....... :}

[Guest]

I have a feeling, my view will not be popular. But, I truly believe in it, and it has worked for me, so I'm going to share it anyway...

My husband was a runway model before we got married. So, needless to say, he is a very "physical" person. There was no doubt that the reason I sparked his interest that long ago was because he liked the way I look.

Of course, that was just the initial spark and everything grew from there. Fast forward to 15 years and 2 kids later, I had gained 65 pounds while first pregnant and lost only 45 after the baby was born. Had another baby and kept 20 more pounds from that. So, I was 40 pounds heavier than my ideal weight. And being 5 foot nothing, I did not look good at all. My husband - the health nut - looks the exact same way in his runway model years except with more maturity to his countenance. I had c-section both times so I kept that as an excuse for not keeping up with his exercise routine.

I will tell you, that even knowing that the physical aspect is very important to my husband - he completely believes that medical problems in our senior years can be drastically reduced if we take good care of our bodies while still young - I have let myself go. I am stressed, busy with work and kids, rushing around like crazy, barely having 15 minutes to myself.

Until one day - a few weeks after my younger son's 5th birthday, my husband asked me - Do you still love me? I was shocked by that question. We are VERY secure in our relationship. We have to be for me to let him out of my sight looking the way he does with all these idiot women throwing themselves at his feet even knowing that he is married! So, for him to say it took me aback. I told him, Of course I do! You know that! Then he said that he understands why I haven't been exercising after the surgeries but that was 5 years ago and if I don't start taking time for myself then I will start to have health problems that will be very stressful to our family. And he told me I'm not looking too great anymore! It hurt, I can tell you that. But, if I am honest with myself, I know he is right. We talked about it for a looooonnnnggg time - just reminiscing about the old days before the kids were born when we would play tennis all the time and jog with the dogs and go camping and all these physical stuff. What made the talk helpful was my receptiveness to what he was saying. He has been "holding it in" for a while because he was afraid of my reaction.

So, I truly believe that this thing requires the girl to truly understand what her husband is saying, and not just go into an emotional huff. (Or for the guy, if the situation was reversed).

We agreed on a schedule where he would make sure to be available to take care of everything from kids to church callings (I'm the activities coordinator for our ward), so I can take that time to just de-stress. We even got the kids in on it. Then we started going for long brisk walks again with the kids in their bikes. The kids love it! It's now a big part of our "quality time". I understood that he still loves me with all his heart, he just wants me to take care of myself again. He is very supportive. I have since lost only 5 pounds. But, I have felt a renewed interest in looking good again! And, that's enough for my husband.

I can assure you, if I ever lose both my legs, get my face all burnt up, lose all my hair, he would be right there by my side holding my hand or pushing my wheelchair. He loves me THAT much. You can ask him. I am one of the luckiest wives in the whole wide world.

Edited April 4, 2009 by anatess

[Wingnut]

When I was on birth control, I put on 60 pounds as a side effect. In a year's time, I was only able to work off five pounds of it. Then I got pregnant, dropped another 15 pounds, then gradually went up another 30. After the baby, I lost the 30 pounds again. I am still 40-ish pounds heavier than I was when I married my husband. Though he never said it to me (he's smart enough not to), I'm sure there were days (during the year I wasn't able to lose weight) on which he found me very unattractive. I knew that I wasn't prime anymore. Did that make me unhappy? Sometimes. Did I ever question or doubt his love for me? Not once. My husband did things to make sure I knew I was loved, whether or not he was attracted to me. Little things. Things that would make a difference to a woman.

It seems like mostly women on this thread are making the "unconditional love means looking past the figure" argument. As a women, I have to agree with the man whom this thread is about. I see no conflict between still loving his wife while not being physically attracted to her anymore. I don't see why the two are even being equated. Attraction does not always equal love, so why must love always equal attraction?

[Faded]

I have a friend at church who has shared with me that he is no longer attracted to his wife. He doesn't want a divorce and is not planning to leave, he is just not physically attracted to her anymore.

What changed? He said she has gained a lot of weight and just doesn't take care of herself anymore. I think he feels pretty miserable about it.

What do you do when this happens? I am guessing that if he had gained a lot of weight and didn't take care of himself very well, she might feel the same. Any advice?

The sad part about this topic is quite simple. The heart-breaking thing IS NOT that your wife is gaining weight. It is the part where the wife chooses not to do anything about it that is upsetting. The trouble is, the husband is completely incapable of bringing any of this up to his wife because he is doomed no matter how he manages to broach the subject. No matter how it is brought up, women will universally crucify him as an insensitive SOB who, "Is supposed to love them no matter what and they shouldn't be bothered by me gaining weight. I didn't try to gain weight, it's not my fault ..." And on it goes.

Well, the fact of the matter is ... it matters. A good husband will love his wife at any weight, but he will find her a lot more attractive when she isn't overweight. The question isn't whether or not the husband loves her no matter what. More often than not, he does. But love and physical attraction are not always the same thing. It's not easy to feel sexually attracted to someone who is a hundred pounds or more overweight. This shouldn't shock anyone because it is unbelievably obvious. The wrong question that gets asked is, "Why doesn't he love me anyways? Why doesn't he love me no matter what?" This is understandable, but it's also thinking only of oneself and not the other person. The question she should be asking is, "Why don't I love my husband enough to want to try to be pretty for him? To be my best and to be my most attractive? To try to lose weight? To do my best to make myself beautiful for him? Why don't I want to do it for myself?" In many, many cases it is the effort to improve that means more than the results. The fact that your wife wants to be prettier and in better shape for you, and that she's willing to go to a lot of effort to accomplish that -- that is a tremendous demonstration of love and consideration and it will not go unnoticed, one way or another.

I know this is a sensitive subject for women, but I don't understand why women let themselves be blinded by their own self-consciousness and feelings of inadequacy. No woman seems to feel shapely enough, nor fit enough nor pretty enough. It's a culture of obsessing with lack of physical perfection. But the question is not about physical perfection. It's about being the best you that you can be, and not settling for less than that. The culture of "never good enough" has everyone taking entirely the wrong mindset and it blinds us to an obvious means of improving your marriage and you're own self-confidence. Men and women both will improve their marriage by being physically fit. And it doesn't hurt that being physically fit will probably make you live a lot longer as well. Yet by painting the notion as "Offensive" keeps so many people from seeing what is so obvious. It is mind-boggling that both women and men are so unwilling to try to be their best for their spouse. Why not?

Edited April 4, 2009 by Faded

[minemouse]

Well, since she's gained weight could she have just had a baby or two, an illness, or something else that is emotionally bothering her about the marriage. Also, the fact is that he married her and made a covenant with the ALmighty,remember that and honor it. Has he tried being romantic or helpful around the house? Have they had date nights with no kids? Or even of they didn't have kids , have they gone out as a couple?? Is he cold and calculating when he wants something or does he court her?? All these are questions ur friend must ask himself. Do I truly love her? Do I want something else? Perhaps some counseling for the guy should be insightful and then later on bring her on board and this can assist avoiding any negative effects on the marriage. Many people are only superficial in thinking they are in love when they get married , its basically an illusion and it's not that they were in love but infatuated with the idea of being married. If it was hormonal the reason he got married , well the only response is pray hard he changes or she changes something in order to keep the marriage going. It takes two in any relationship in order for it to function.

[Faded]

He can be honest with his wife without making her feel bad. It's all about phrasing.

Please tell me a right way to say, "I think you're fat and I really wish you would lose some weight." <-- That is the short, simple and completely honest truth that so many men want to say. Many will spend years and years wanting to broach the subject. But they do not dare say a thing, for fear of having their throats slit while they sleep.

I do not think there is any possible way to state that truth without making a woman go completely ballistic. If women would be so kind as to provide the magical combination of words for the men in their lives, then the men in their lives won't have to go crazy in silence, wanting to say something but knowing they can't, for fear of slow and painful death.

If any woman can answer this riddle, she will be praised and adored by men for all-time, for she will have accomplished a feat that is truly impossible. She will have solved, the ULTIMATE RIDDLE.

Edited April 4, 2009 by Faded

[Guest queries]

Please tell me a right way to say, "I think you're fat and I really wish you would lose some weight." <-- That is the short, simple and completely honest truth that so many men want to say. Many will spend years and years wanting to broach the subject. But they do not dare say a thing, for fear of having their throats slit while they sleep.

I do not think there is any possible way to state that truth without making a woman go completely ballistic. If women would be so kind as to provide the magical combination of words for the men in their lives, then the men in their lives won't have to go crazy in silence, wanting to say something but knowing they can't, for fear of slow and painful death.

If any woman can answer this riddle, she will be praised and adored by men for all-time, for she will have accomplished a feat that is truly impossible. She will have solved, the ULTIMATE RIDDLE.

Ok faded and all you husbands out there, I am going to solve the riddle for you in a way that makes you look like the compassionate, loving family man that you are.

My husband and I have had this conversation in the painful ways described by many. Shortly thereafter we found an amazing book that completely validated his perspective on the matter:

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, by Willard F Harley

This book goes through ten typical emotional needs for men and women in a marriage. They are usually different for each, and each usually has 5 of the needs. So for example, I might emotionally need my husband to be 1) a good provider; 2) helpful around the house; 3) affectionate; 4) conversational; and 5) my recreational companion... while his emotional needs from me are 1) sexual fulfillment; 2) honesty and openness; 3) keeping myself attractive; 4) admiration; and 5) domestic support (ie taking primary care of the house/kids).

So here is the solution. You buy the book and bring it home, maybe a copy for each of you, and say, "Honey, I love you. I want to be sure I am meeting your emotional needs, and that we are each meeting each others emotional needs, so that our marriage will continue to be wonderful. Can we read this book together so that I can love you in the way you need to be loved?" And voila. You go from there.

I won't go into my set of problems that has evolved from this. I think it's generally an excellent solution.

Edited April 4, 2009 by queries

[Guest queries]

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, by Willard F Harley

I just re-read the first chapter of this book on marriagebuilders.com, and was reminded again of how awesome it is!!! I highly recommend it to every married person.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/pdf/HNHN-ch1.pdf

[WillowTheWhisp]

When it comes down to losing weight and getting fit I can tell you categorically that for me it would never work if it was a case of "Why don't I love my husband enough to want to try to be pretty for him? To be my best and to be my most attractive? To try to lose weight? To do my best to make myself beautiful for him?" The only thing which would and ever has motivated me is "Why don't I want to do it for myself?" If I dont want to be fitter, slimmer, healthier for myself then I sure as anything wouldn't want to do it for someone else. Sometimes we have to be selfish about things.

I've struggled with my weight for years. It has slowly crept up no matter how hard I tried to lose. I was overweight when I married my first husband. I tried to lose weight all during that marriage but never in order to please him. We both used to go to the gym 3 times a week and I was fitter than a lot of the people who went there - but I was still fat! When he died I was still overweight, in fact even more so. When I met my current huband he met a fat woman. He married a fat woman. I suppose there must be something he finds attractive about this fat lump he married. He has always compliment my hair and my 'teenage eyes'. I'm actually fitter than him!! I love to walk. He doesn't. If we walk anywhere he is always the one saying "My legs ache".

Recently (in the last 12 months) my doctor has actually taken me seriously when I say that I want to lose weight. Maybe because I have always failed he thought I was never serious in my efforts even though I repeatedly told him. He did some tests and found out I needed some medication. I have slowly been making progress in the months since then, but still have a long way to go to get to my ideal. I do feel encouraged when my husband tells me how much slimmer I am looking because I look in the mirror and still see a fat lump. His encouragement really boosts my self esteem though. But the thing is I am not doing this for him. I am doing it for me.

Being slimmer, fitter and healthier is a selfish thing - but a positive selfish thing. I woukd love my husband to lose wweight too but not in order to be more attractive to me but in order to be fitter and healthier for himself. Maybe that is the approach this husband needs to consider.

I can't help wondering if some people are confusing love with lust.

[Guest queries]

Willow, I'm with you, I like being healthy for its own benefits. And I love it that you and your husband love each other for your personalities, your souls, your companionship.

Some men don't need an attractive wife. It's not one of their emotional needs. But just because you (or your spouse) doesn't need it, it's not fair to try and invalidate the need in someone else. Think of something you or your spouse needs - maybe affection - then think how you'd like it if someone said "psssht! You don't really need *that*." It's ok (and maybe a blessing!) if you or he don't need that, and it's ok to not understand why other people need it.

Another really great book on the topic is The Five Love Languages - how to communicate love to the people around us in ways that they will understand - but it doesn't deal with physical attraction so is less relevant to this thread.

[Gwen]

his needs her needs is a great book (don't be put off by the 'affair proof' part of the title)

i can't help but wonder what her family history is and what her life experiences have been. the reality is some things change us and there is nothing you can do about it. does she have underlying health issues (thyroid is a common overlooked one that affects weight) or pain issues. can he say that he's been untouched by time in ways that she may find "unattractive" as well (for example, a lot of men tend to stop growing hair where they should and start growing it in all the places they shouldn't; is she required to find that sexy)?

if they have been to the temple they could have eternity and most of that in perfect bodies. maybe he needs to just deal with it. i'm sure she is just as bothered by the weight if not more so. he doesn't need to compound it with uncalled for comments.

[Faded]

Willow, I think that most women would be surprised to find that the man in their life will certainly continue to be compassionate and caring when they try and fail to lose weight. There are a lot of physiological problems that can contribute to weight gain.

The reason that your doctor likely thought you weren't trying is because, in the vast majority of cases, the obese person, be it man or woman, really isn't putting forth any kind of serious effort. The far-too-frequent truth is, because obesity is so common and widespread today, the people with a root cause like yours can easily get missed. Too many men and women out there say, "I've tried to lose the weight." yet their version of trying is exercising once a month. Some have every intention of establishing a system of getting in shape, but repeatedly not continuing with it or not putting enough into it. And then, all too often, they will lie about it to doctors and other such people. So a doctor hears from YET ANOTHER man or woman who says he/she, "Work out all the time, I just don't seem to be losing any weight," then the doctor's likely to figure he's talking to yet another one of those folks who say they try, and don't.

Willow, if you want your hubby to lose weight, then by all means encourage him to do so. This issue is a two-way street and every significantly obese person in the world is shortening their life by carrying around the extra weight. The truth is, most men are a lot less sensitive about the matter. That means that bringing it up isn't likely to get you killed. You can count yourself lucky that you won't spend a week or more apologizing for even hinting that your man might want to lose some pounds.

Do not base your own perception of yourself on what you see in the mirror. You just might expect yourself to be physically ideal beyond your human capabilities to be physically ideal. You don't have to be an anorexic runway model. The measuring tape and clothes sizes can be your best gauge of success. Muscle tends to replace the fat, so actual weight can be very misleading. You are not going to have the body of that woman on the cover of a magazine, and even if you get there in reality, you won't see it in the mirror. I don't fully know why that is, but I know that 5'5" 105 pound women can still think they're fat. The woman with the "perfect body" on the magazine cover also thinks she's fat.

can he say that he's been untouched by time in ways that she may find "unattractive" as well (for example, a lot of men tend to stop growing hair where they should and start growing it in all the places they shouldn't; is she required to find that sexy)?

If my wife wants me to shave the hair off my back or chest or anywhere, I will. I don't want to leave something unattractive out there when I can do something about it. Hair loss is not a big problem for me, but if it was, I would look into options for fixing it. Might even ask if she'd like me with a shaved head -- an inexpensive alternative -- but only if she likes it. Basically, if it's within my capability to fix the unattractive part of myself, I'll do it!

I can tell you that the person mentioned in the original post will probably continue to love his wife unconditionally, but he said he's not attracted to her. That means that sex is probably an unpleasant chore. But his wife will probably never hear him say that because he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her feelings. I think it's truly sad that he will probably have to wait until after death to be attracted to his wife again. And there's nothing he can do about it. I feel sorry for the man.

Edited April 4, 2009 by Faded

[WANDERER]

I'm assuming that this didn't happen overnight...where exactly was he during this time? Some problems are co-dependent. Going to take as long to get out of the problem as it did getting into it and you know, in the meanwhile she may be oblivious to what he thinks and feels and until she identifies that she wants to change the way she looks he hasn't really got much of a hope. He's probably not the same guy in the looks department that she married either. And you know, they're both getting older....so if it wasn't weight would it be those fine lines or sagging body parts? Will she still love her balding hubby? Now I can understand wanting your partner to maintain themselves and take care of themselves and that this is love too.

I guess he can attempt the conversation....but you know things might turn unexpected as in *she sighs with relief and goes yep I'm having the same problem I'm not that attracted to you either at the moment, isn't it great that we can be honest, I feel so much better* LOL.

Really I think she has to want something...to look better for a vacation, wedding or whatever. Its definitely not going to be easy to loose the weight and it may be that she can't. Then what?

Ask him what other things he finds attractive/or found attractive about her besides her weight? Love is blind...or at least staying in love takes a certain amount of maximising the positives. Yes, it is sad that he doesn't find his wife attractive. Does he notice the little things that she does to make herself so and pay attention to them? I just can't imagine his wife walking around in a sack. If he doesn't notice the little things...she probably thinks he doesn't notice the big things all that much anymore either.

[foreverafter]

The fact that he is unattracted to his wife has nothing to do with his wife. When people say they have fallen out of being madly in love with & attracted to their spouse they reveal they have not truely kept their covenants to love & serve their spouse's every wish & thus are not madly in love with them anymore. The Prophets have promised that if we will love & serve our spouse & keep our covenants to them we will not only stay in love we will grow deeper & deeper in love & attraction to them.

Falling & being madly in love with someone is a choice & commandment (if it's our spouse) & has nothing to do with what they look like or if they are righteous or not. Though we may not like what they do at present, we are in love with them for who they really are inside, deep down & who they will be in the eternities. We love whom we serve. It works like a charm if people will really do it. But very few really are willing to lay down their life every day & really put their spouse's every wish before their own.

Remember the 1st scene of Princess Bride"? Where he is just following her around & keeps saying "As you wish", well, that is about how it must be. But of course he doesn't have to follow her around so to speak. Read about Ammon in the Book of Mormon & how he was such an obedient & incredible servant to even a "wicked" Kind Lamoni & was even willing to continue to do it his whole life if need be, even if the King never had repented. Ammon's words should be our daily words to our spouse, "What wilt thou have me do O King/Queen." And then spend all day every day doing their requests (yes, a man working a job would be one of her requests, if she agrees with his type of job, for she likes to eat). This is the greatest marriage scripture in the whole Book of Mormon.

Since when was marriage about us? It's about making the other supremely happy & fulfulling their dreams, above anything we may want or need ourselves. Marriage is about loving, serving & saving our spouse, if need be, by the sealing power of True Love & thus assuring that our marriage will go on throughout the eternities. If just one spouse will have True Love, it will save any marriage & errant spouse, eventually. The man is obligated to do this 1st because the whole marriage is based upon his promise to have undying Unconditional True Love, her vows are contingent upon him keeping his. The Prophets have said the man must submit his life 1st & then the woman likewise (as he does). If he doesn't submit his life to her 1st & love her this way, she is under no obligation to do the same for him. Though a righteous wife would keep her vows anyway, even if he didn't. Brigham Young said that not one woman in 1000 would not be righteous if her husband was truely loving, righteous & faithful. He said that it's not the same the other way around though, not all men respond to a loving righteous woman's influence. Most do but not all. Some are just past feeling. (I don't think this applies if the woman is taking mind altering drugs though)

It's vital that our spouse know exactly what we would like them to do & be for us. We got married to serve each other, so we must know what they want us to do, as King Lamoni instructed Ammon what to do. This gives our spouse the opportunity to fall in love by service to us. We must make up Love Lists for each other. Start with about 10 things that we would like our spouse to do or be that would be our ideal spouse, as much as they possibly can. (Don't give your spouse the list unless they are willing to do this or it could make things worse, only if they agree) If our spouse won't write such as list for themselves for you to do, then you write their list of what you think they would like you to do & be, based on all they have asked of you & said over the years. We usually know what is our spouses ideal image of a spouse. We then trade lists & begin to work on an item or two at a time & then move to the next ones. Some will be easy, like taking walks together, going on dates, or a trip somewhere, some fix up on the house, etc., other items on the list might be harder & take more time & effort, like take up a sport or hobby or class that the other spouse enjoys.

But the secret is that neither spouse ever mentions if the other does the list or not, you only concentrate on doing your spouse's list, as best as you can. This will then cause you to quickly fall madly in love with your spouse, if you do it sincerely & "pray" for that love, whether they ever do your list or not. You will become like Ammon, not only in obedience to your spouse, but with the desire to do it above all else. It will be the most incredible thing you have every done in your life. Someday your spouse will eventually do the same for you, because of your example & love, though for a few spouses, that will be the next life. But it's worth the wait. And you will enjoy the ecstacy of True Love for them in your own soul while you wait.

So this man, as most men, would put having a wife at her ideal weight as one of the things on his list that he would enjoy. But all he can do is love her & do her list & pray she will do his. His True Love is the only thing that has the power to motivate her, without destroying the marriage & trust. She must eventually want to sacrifice & lose weight for Heavenly Father because he says to put the desires & wishes & needs of our spouse 1st above everything else in life, even her own needs & desires. When we do things for God & our spouse, instead of for ourselves, it has power to make eternal changes in us & them.

Loving & serving our spouse is our very most important commandment after prayer & gospel study. It will bring us all our deepest desires & even more than we can even imagine, for all eternity.

Edited April 4, 2009 by foreverafter

[winterstar]

I'd suggest to your friend that he ask Heavenly Father for help and to feel Christ's love for his wife.

It bothers me when folks say comments like, she doesn't care, she just let herself go. With out being that person, what you may think on the subject isn't correct. The weight may be due to a medical or hormone imbalance. Even the spouse may not know and just think the other "let them self go."

And then there is this: perhaps what's happening is something he needs to learn from.

[Dravin]

This book goes through ten typical emotional needs for men and women in a marriage. They are usually different for each, and each usually has 5 of the needs. So for example, I might emotionally need my husband to be 1) a good provider; 2) helpful around the house; 3) affectionate; 4) conversational; and 5) my recreational companion... while his emotional needs from me are 1) sexual fulfillment; 2) honesty and openness; 3) keeping myself attractive; 4) admiration; and 5) domestic support (ie taking primary care of the house/kids).

So here is the solution. You buy the book and bring it home, maybe a copy for each of you, and say, "Honey, I love you. I want to be sure I am meeting your emotional needs, and that we are each meeting each others emotional needs, so that our marriage will continue to be wonderful. Can we read this book together so that I can love you in the way you need to be loved?" And voila. You go from there.

I won't go into my set of problems that has evolved from this. I think it's generally an excellent solution.

Doesn't that still leave you in the situation of having to explain that they aren't fulfilling 3 in your eyes (possibly even 1), or is that handled in the book? Maybe I'm borrowing trouble (that isn't even mine to begin with). But I'm seeing this:

Husband: *Lists 5 as demonstrated above*

Wife: *Lists 5 as demonstrated above*

Husband: BTW, numbers 1 and 5 aren't being met.

Wife: Who? What? Where? Why? When?

Husband: I'm not finding you physically attractive anymore, wanna go to the gym tomorrow?

Wife: *Pulls out gun and shoots Husband in chest, acquitted by jury of 12 women.*

I may be seeing that though because it is kinda funny as plays out like a Sitcom in my head complete with laugh track.

[pushka]

I was thinking virtually the same as you Dravin. I just read the 1st chapter of the book, and did find it useful, but it did pass thru my mind that both people had to be receptive to the requests that were being made of one another, without becoming offended, in order for it to be successful..it is a good starting place tho, perhaps all newly weds ought to be given this book as a wedding present..or one copy each :)

[Jim108]

You love the person, not the body. Jim

[Guest queries]

I was thinking virtually the same as you Dravin. I just read the 1st chapter of the book, and did find it useful, but it did pass thru my mind that both people had to be receptive to the requests that were being made of one another, without becoming offended, in order for it to be successful..it is a good starting place tho, perhaps all newly weds ought to be given this book as a wedding present..or one copy each :)

Yeah, I've started giving it as a wedding gift. I laughed at the image of Dravin's sitcom too. Maybe I envision that she'll be so excited at the chance to point out your shortcomings that she'll be less offended when you point out hers

[GingerGolden]

mixing up love & lust?

Nope, my point is that the woman needs some positive affirmations, positive reinforcements and such from her hubby.

(Even if I were a bit blunt with it to begin with. Lust never entered my mind, after all we were discussing a married couple.)

[countrygirl66]

Please tell me a right way to say, "I think you're fat and I really wish you would lose some weight." <-- That is the short, simple and completely honest truth that so many men want to say. Many will spend years and years wanting to broach the subject. But they do not dare say a thing, for fear of having their throats slit while they sleep.

I do not think there is any possible way to state that truth without making a woman go completely ballistic. If women would be so kind as to provide the magical combination of words for the men in their lives, then the men in their lives won't have to go crazy in silence, wanting to say something but knowing they can't, for fear of slow and painful death.

If any woman can answer this riddle, she will be praised and adored by men for all-time, for she will have accomplished a feat that is truly impossible. She will have solved, the ULTIMATE RIDDLE.

Here are a couple of my thoughts.

When I am overweight, my h physically ignores me, so when I lose weight (and i do) then he wants to give me physical attention. (my reaction is NOOOOO!) If you couldn't love me when I was overweight then what in heaven makes you think I am interested now.

Problem: Physical attraction and intimacy mean different things to us.

Solution: I have to work to remember that for him it can be a more (not all) but more purely physical thing. He needs to remember that for me all things are linked and tied together.

Problem: He will say things like "I will help with the kids and run places so you can do your physical therapy and have time to yourself" It seldom happens and so I think "whatever".

Solution: I need to be clear in what I need done to help me. He needs to actually do what I need done not what he thinks I need.

Problem: Gym memberships, hairstyles, clothes, nails and makeup cost $$$$$.

Solution: I need to budget for those kind of things even though they are only for me. He needs to decide if it/me is worth the money.

Problem: AFFECTION!!! and Physical intimact are not one in the same to women. Go give your wife true affection and she will grant you most anything you desire. Ignore it because it isn't important to you or you don't really need (hand holding, kisses, hugs, snuggling etc.) Your wife will be very lonely and when you say something about her weight, it will be a nail in your coffin.

In short if you want to approach the subject, lay the groundwork and then include yourself in the solution. Meaning, I have been looking at us joining a weight class, or spinning class, or I want us to spend one on one time going for a walk each night. I have been looking at how we can live longer by changing our diet. I want us to go swimming. The key for women is we and us. Never ever say you are fat or you need to lose weight. (to me anyways)

Maybe this is just me. I hope it helps.

Edited April 5, 2009 by countrygirl66

[applepansy]

"Then Comes Marriage" By Douglas Brinley and Mark Ogletree, both Ph.D.s Great Book! My hubby is even reading it (of course after a 2 night seminar we attended given by Dr. Brinley.) He has a way of putting things that got my husband's attention.

This has been an interesting thread. I have some thoughts...but I don't feel well tonight so I think I'll wait until I can think straight to voice them. :)

applepansy

[Guest missingsomething]

How would he feel if she'd been disfigured in an accident?

Real love should be much more than skin deep.

My computer is acting up so I havent read the entire thread... but has anyone considered that maybe what this gentleman has discovered is that he is not and was not actually in love with his wife. People make mistakes... chastising him by saying his love should be deeper than that - really isnt a solution.

My thought and hope about this is that if the Lord can change Alma the younger from fighting to destroy all that is good... to being an unparralled champion of the gospel and truth and right - then the Lord can surely change a heart to love and be attracted to another, right? I think if I were you Bytor - I'd tell him to pray for a change of heart..... then maybe encourage her by telling her that he does love her... maybe start doing something weekly like 1) making dinner but making it super healthy and 2) planning a date once a week that does not involve movies and that dreadful popcorn - maybe a walk or a picnic? Then, he can help her without necessarily saying anything. Maybe he can say - honey, I want to live a long live with you - and I was wondering if we could start eatting better so that I do not develope some heart disease and Im not against a little lie here - go to the doc and tell wife doc says they need to get healthy - then go. But most importantly is to pray for a change of heart... Im hoping this helps.

[Guest queries]

I'd tell him to pray for a change of heart..... then maybe encourage her by telling her that he does love her... maybe start doing something weekly like 1) making dinner but making it super healthy and 2) planning a date once a week that does not involve movies and that dreadful popcorn - maybe a walk or a picnic? Then, he can help her without necessarily saying anything. Maybe he can say - honey, I want to live a long live with you - and I was wondering if we could start eatting better so that I do not develope some heart disease and Im not against a little lie here - go to the doc and tell wife doc says they need to get healthy - then go. But most importantly is to pray for a change of heart... Im hoping this helps.

I know this wasn't the focus of the post, but I think the approach has to be, how can WE get in better shape and WE get healthy together? If the approach is YOU need to get in better shape or even YOU need to get healthy - that's not gonna go over as well.

[mikbone]

This is a great thread. Lots of good advice and I've never seen so many thanks.

From the standpoint of a doc I would have to ask a few more questions to know where things really stand.

How much weight has she gained. It matters. Does she have any illnesses. Hypothyroidism and lots of other diseases can cause massive weight gain. Is she depressed? Is she taking any medications or supplements? Does she want to lose weight? Would she be willing to have bariatric surgery (like a stomach stapling procedure). Has she just started gaining weight, or is she letting other things slip like personal hygene, activity level, sleeping habits, etc... When was the last time she had a physical exam by a physician?

Everyone knows that we should treat our bodies as temples. Yet weight gain is a huge problem in our society due to our decreased activity level and access to caloric dense processed food. Brigham Young was a pretty heafty man. Thomas S. Monson would be categorized as obese if you calculated his body mass index. Heck I wished I weighed 40 pounds less.

Can you imagine a fat Adam and Eve or Jesus Christ? I can't.

Usually, non-pathologic weight gain is secondary to change of environment, carelessness, or loss of self esteme. If the husband has contributed to her loss of self esteme then he can do a lot to fix it by changing himself.

My advice is to find out the reason why she is gaining weight first. Until you figure out the cause all your doing is wasting your time.