Another dating dilemma


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So I basically feel like several others here who are getting older and not married yet, but I have a couple questions. I'm 27 and started going to the YSA ward recently. (I should note that I had no prior dating before this which is embarrassing, I guess because of work/school and being in a family ward when all the singles are in the YSA ward). I dated one girl, but she turned me down after the second date. The second person I dated I went on because I wanted to get to know her better, but I didn't find her attractive really. It went really well though, and I'd ask her out again except I'm worried that I think of her more as a friend than someone I'm really interested/attracted to (and I don't want to give her the wrong impression). Actually, the first one is the only one in the YSA ward that I feel is attractive. Am I shallow? So I've only been on 2 dates but find that I'm not interested in anyone else in the ward, and I'm not sure if I'm going to find someone as I keep getting older (I'm not looking forward to 30!)

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I would advise to date as much as possible. Date people that you dont find particularly attractive. You just never know how you will feel once you get to know them. You may become attracted to them through getting to know them. My advice to anyone is just date lots! If you really dont find them attractive or want to continue the relationship then u dont have to. Thats the beauty of being single! Ur only 27 too. It might be seen as a bad thing in the church but it isnt. You will make a better husband for it one day from the experiences you will have gained. :)

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Am I shallow? So I've only been on 2 dates but find that I'm not interested in anyone else in the ward, and I'm not sure if I'm going to find someone as I keep getting older (I'm not looking forward to 30!)

You aren't shallow, ABC. You're suffering from one-itis. One-itis is when a guy gets stuck on one girl and decides there aren't any other for him. This never turns out well. When a guy gets in to one-itis, it turns off the girl he's attracted to, prevents him from developing good relationships with other women and stops them from developing themselves.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to guess a few things about you based on what you've said:

1) You've been on 2 dates - This indicates either a painful shyness or some other type of social disability. This isn't something to be ashamed of, but something to be aware of: Nobody is born with the knowledge of how to attract someone any more than someone is born with the knowledge of how to ride a bike. For some reason, there's a social stigma against getting help with this sort of thing as if we should have the inborn knowledge of the opposite sex. This is patently not true.

2) The one girl you're attracted to is the one girl who has rejected you - This is common. We want what we can't have. Many people, especially shy people, have crushes on people they have no chance with. It's safe for them, so they pine away for someone they'll never get so they don't have to put themselves out for someone else. This is a big reason people have crushes on Missionaries - They feel safe with them.

If you want to date someone, you can. Ask any woman: Attraction is not a choice. Oftentimes, the ones they're attracted to are not the ones they wish they were attracted to. It's not about jerk vs nice guy or good choices versus bad, but very simple social rules. There are lots of places to get help out there for guys nowadays. I'm certain you can be out dating in no time, but it requires you to change the frame of mind you're currently in.

You'll do amazingly. :)

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You aren't shallow, ABC. You're suffering from one-itis. One-itis is when a guy gets stuck on one girl and decides there aren't any other for him. This never turns out well. When a guy gets in to one-itis, it turns off the girl he's attracted to, prevents him from developing good relationships with other women and stops them from developing themselves.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to guess a few things about you based on what you've said:

1) You've been on 2 dates - This indicates either a painful shyness or some other type of social disability. This isn't something to be ashamed of, but something to be aware of: Nobody is born with the knowledge of how to attract someone any more than someone is born with the knowledge of how to ride a bike. For some reason, there's a social stigma against getting help with this sort of thing as if we should have the inborn knowledge of the opposite sex. This is patently not true.

2) The one girl you're attracted to is the one girl who has rejected you - This is common. We want what we can't have. Many people, especially shy people, have crushes on people they have no chance with. It's safe for them, so they pine away for someone they'll never get so they don't have to put themselves out for someone else. This is a big reason people have crushes on Missionaries - They feel safe with them.

If you want to date someone, you can. Ask any woman: Attraction is not a choice. Oftentimes, the ones they're attracted to are not the ones they wish they were attracted to. It's not about jerk vs nice guy or good choices versus bad, but very simple social rules. There are lots of places to get help out there for guys nowadays. I'm certain you can be out dating in no time, but it requires you to change the frame of mind you're currently in.

You'll do amazingly. :)

You're correct on #1, I'm also very shy. I've gone to a few of the YSA activities, but I'm not a real social person, and I avoid some of the activities (dances) like the plague. On the first two dates, I was introduced to them and only got to know them briefly in church... then later I looked up their number in the directory, is that a bad way to ask someone on a date? Being shy, I'm not sure how I'd get to know them in church really.

Thanks all for your help

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You're correct on #1, I'm also very shy. I've gone to a few of the YSA activities, but I'm not a real social person, and I avoid some of the activities (dances) like the plague. On the first two dates, I was introduced to them and only got to know them briefly in church... then later I looked up their number in the directory, is that a bad way to ask someone on a date? Being shy, I'm not sure how I'd get to know them in church really.

Thanks all for your help

That is the first step, ABC! You have recognized you are shy. My recommendation? Go beyond your comfort zone. Go karaokeing. Take up amateur stage acting. Go shopping for new clothes.

Secondly, the conversations shy guys tend to have with girls they like usually go the following:

"So what's your name?"

"Jessica."

"That's a cute name. What do you do?"

"I'm a hairdresser."

"Hey! I have hair. Hahah. You're hot."

(Uncomfortable silence ensues).

"So do you have any hobbies?"

I would recommend the following. You'll probably fall flat on your face the first time you try this, but as a guy I can say I have fallen flat on my face a bazillion times.

Instead of going up and giving a girl twenty questions, which nobody likes - It's unnatural. Instead, think of how good friends speak.

"So I just went to go see Iron Man."

"Hahah. Watchmen owned that movie!"

"Watchmen was a good movie. Y'know... Minus the good part."

"What? You are completely wrong! It was the greatest superhero movie EVER."

That's just an example. Substitute 'Watchmen' for 'Football' 'Basketball' or any other thing you want. Good friends don't interrogate one another(Not usually, except when there's something they want). Good friends make statements, draw each other out, say things that will get hooks. I understand what you're trying here - You want to establish some type of connection with the woman by identifying what she likes and then reaffirming it by saying you like it as well.

It won't work. First dates are usually painfully uncomfortable for this reason. Ask women - The twenty question thing usually feels forced and weird. It doesn't establish a rapport.

So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to start a conversation with a stranger at church. Say something like, 'Hey! Those are amazing shoes.' or 'Whoah - You're reading The Work and the Glory. I loved that book!' or anything other than a question. Then begin a conversation using nothing but statements.

It will most likely fail utterly the first time you try it, but it will work well and become much more natural as you work at it.

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Instead of going up and giving a girl twenty questions, which nobody likes - It's unnatural. Instead, think of how good friends speak.

So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to start a conversation with a stranger at church. Then begin a conversation using nothing but statements.

I met my gentleman friend of a few weeks on a joint (2 churches) retreat when I overheard my best friend laugh at him for sharing a room with another of our friend (he snores like a train wreck), and I went over and offered him earplugs.

I feel, as a non-LDS, that there's a lot of stigma around single men and women in their late 20s and on. I feel like this is very unfortunate, for I myself am only 22, while my perfectly wonderful gentleman friend is 31. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being older than 25 and single! If I'd thought so, I probably wouldn't have my gentleman now.

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I met my gentleman friend of a few weeks on a joint (2 churches) retreat when I overheard my best friend laugh at him for sharing a room with another of our friend (he snores like a train wreck), and I went over and offered him earplugs.

I feel, as a non-LDS, that there's a lot of stigma around single men and women in their late 20s and on. I feel like this is very unfortunate, for I myself am only 22, while my perfectly wonderful gentleman friend is 31. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being older than 25 and single! If I'd thought so, I probably wouldn't have my gentleman now.

You are very smart, Heavenguard. There is nothing wrong with waiting for marriage until the right person comes along. However, in LDS culture, people tend to marry young and they tend to work hard at those marriages. In fact, in LDS culture, people tend to get married either within 2 years off of their mission, or when they're 30. Overwhelmingly, that seems to be the case.

I understand his frustration. :) I want to be able to help him.

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You're correct on #1, I'm also very shy. I've gone to a few of the YSA activities, but I'm not a real social person, and I avoid some of the activities (dances) like the plague. On the first two dates, I was introduced to them and only got to know them briefly in church... then later I looked up their number in the directory, is that a bad way to ask someone on a date? Being shy, I'm not sure how I'd get to know them in church really.

Thanks all for your help

Hallo me. Well, except this me hasn't gone out of any dates like the abc123 me apparently has. :)

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I read these threads because they are so much fun!!! I just can not imagine the scenario, though. I have tried to visualize it but I just can't.

I am a convert of 10 years and I was 28 when I was baptized. I am nowhere on earth a good looking guy by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I could walk into any place and people rarely noticed. However, within 3 months of my baptism I could have married half a dozen girls in the church. Dating and courtship is the most common and simple process in history. Have we grown so socially inept and unskilled that the traditional adage of "boy meets/likes girl, dates, proposes, marries girl" is a thing of the past?

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Have we grown so socially inept and unskilled that the traditional adage of "boy meets/likes girl, dates, proposes, marries girl" is a thing of the past?

I don't think its a thing of the past, I just think some of us have troubles getting it down. :D

P.S. Yes, I am socially inept.

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your only 27! there is plenty of times...

and to share with you something i got told " your eternal companion will show his face when he is ready " but you've got to swap it around so it's a girl...

the difficult thing about dating and especially YSA meets is that it pushes you into a situation where you don't know anybody... and it makes people shy, and a zillion times over more aware of their flaws...

being shy is not a bad thing, of course go for someone that you find attractive, but someone who challenges you as well, and makes you come out of your shell for a little bit...

you've been on two dates which is great, it's only forwards from there...

:)

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