small unaccepting ward - help

[kileyizzle]

i have been baptised a year now, at the end of this month... since my baptisim two other young girls have been baptised...

our ward is incrediably small, with the average age being 80...

tonight i was shocked to discover just how unrelenting they have been on us...

i know i can not take this issue to the bishop because i've tried many times before, the main issue is that we do not feel welcomed or accepted by the ward. My cousin was recently baptised, and i was shocked to see that only one family out of our entire ward showed up... it was disgusting to see such lack of commitment to our brethen.

on many occasions you will catch dirty looks and hushed whispers during the course of our lessons which not only exclude us but isolate us from the rest of the group...

It's a clicky ward at the best of times and when family members make up the majority of the ward it makes it hard to communicate any issues you have with them what so ever, because family will and always be first.

The problem is that every sunday should be a blessing, not a chore and while you do not go to church to mix with other people but rather to buid your testimony, your spirit is shaken when you are put into this position...

there have been numerous times when i have been confronted for being freinds with the missionaries.. this i took to heart... because even though they are aware of the issues they neglect to adhere to them, almost as if it were too much trouble...

the girls have been shunted as well as i...

i am really unsure of whom to speak to about this issue...

last week we had the temple president come out to speak to us, he asked us what we had to do to get into the temple, our entire ward was silent....

we knew the answers and went for it, only to be told that we were being disruptive and to be quiet... seperated or sat outside...

there is just so many things wrong with this picture...

i honestly am at wits end with this...

i don't want to come home every sunday crying because i honestly feel like i am being cheated of my experience and of my testimony...

while we all have the agency to make what we can of any situation enough is enough...

considering our age and how we are recent members we need that constant praise and encouragement... not only for ourselves but so that we can grow and reach out for the best things...

it's been a year for me and i'm rarely greeted or spoken too... the mast offensive thing of late was i had a calling to do a talk during sacrement excited i accepted...

this was later taken back and i never had the chance to do it... it would of been fantastic to focus and share what i had learnt...

any help or advice at all?

[applepansy]

When I was 18 and newly married we moved into a new ward. We weren't spoken to. I was called to teach Relief Society (this was back when Relief Society and Primary were held during the week.. .and this was in Utah). I would walk in the building and NOBODY would say hi, hello or drop dead. The meeting would begin, I'd give my lesson, then after the closing prayer everyone would get up and leave chatting among themselves. Nobody said a word to me. This went on for a couple of months and I asked to be released. I tell you this to let you know that I understand your feelings.

I regret that decision today.

What I've learned is to bloom where I'm planted. We've lived in other wards who were unfriendly and downright mean. When I was in my late 20s I was complaining about my ward at work. A coworker said something to me that hit me in the heart. He said "Wards are only as good as what you put into them." OUCH!

What I started to do slowly is move out of my comfort zone and reach out to others who were being ostrasized. I tried harder to be Christ-like to those who were rude or mean. I prayed for my "enemies." I prayed harder for me.

When we moved into this ward 15 years ago one of the younger sisters adopted a new baby. Her mother was holding the baby in Relief Society. Class hadn't started. There weren't many sisters there yet. I sat next to this woman and commented on how pretty the baby was and how excited she must be. She physically turned her back to me without saying a word.

Today... I doubt she even rememberrs the incident and she spent 1-1/2 hours at my house chatting and quilting with me. I smile when I think back 15 years to when she obviously snubbed me in church.

The change of heart took a long time and I take absolutely no credit for it. The Lord caused the change, not me! All I did was remain friendly. I do not gossip or even casually talk about other people. I try my hardest to treat other people how I would want to be treated.

All you can really do is be yourself. Treat others as you would like to be treated. PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! With the Lord all things are possible.

applepansy

P.S. If necessary, and after lots of prayer, you may need to move. If you stay close to the Lord and do your best to follow the commandments HE will let you know what is best to do.

[kileyizzle]

favourites, unethical and being treated horribly are what's frustrating the most...

everyones related to each other there and my feelings should not be disregaurded because of that...

i'm taking in what your saying i really am.. and i have prayed about this many times...

i've come from a troubled history and enjoyed the thought of being part of a family again... this is just not good enough...

i'm not one to sit back and be treated horribly, and this should be acknowledged at the very least

[Maya]

Want to do what the hate most?? Kind of give them back!?

When you come to the church if you can hym (are musical) hym! SMILE and say good mormning to EVERYBODY. Bubble of polite and nice, good hearted remarks. If you get the groucy remarks or looks back just laugh and smile on! NOTHING is so terribly irritating than a happy mormon... especially if you try to make his/her life miserable:p! Let the love shine from your eyes... you KNOW who is behind all these bad feelings and trying to make you feel bad... right?

If it gets unbearable go in the toilet and look at the mirror and give it and everyone who made you feel bad, the most horrible face you can ... and return smiling! And when you get home close the door... walk calmly in the middle of the livingroom and scream... make a so horrible sound you hope to drop the souery people dead with! Do this every Sunday... soon you notice your fvisits in teh toilet are getting less, your screaming at home getts less and your smiling is easier.

And ofcourse offer your help anywhere and any time.

Just plain dont let yourself be dragged down.

I tried that and it works. My DH too... we moved here a while a go everyone in the store were very sour.. he bagan to wish them a happy day and smile... now everyone there are smiling and wishing happy day to everybody! All because of my DH who did not like the sour faces in the store.

The ward we are in had made great progress from a very klicked ward to an much more open and includeing one... changes DO happen.

Praying for you!

[talisyn]

favourites, unethical and being treated horribly are what's frustrating the most...

everyones related to each other there and my feelings should not be disregaurded because of that...

i'm taking in what your saying i really am.. and i have prayed about this many times...

i've come from a troubled history and enjoyed the thought of being part of a family again... this is just not good enough...

i'm not one to sit back and be treated horribly, and this should be acknowledged at the very least

I'm glad you're strong, cause you're gonna need it

If I were you I'd do some ward-surfing. Life is way too short to be treated like this by people who are suppose to welcome you into the Church. Take the other newly-baptized girls if you can, it could be fun At any rate, be so cheerful birds and mice will sew your Sunday dresses. Kill them with kindness..considering how old you said most of them are you just might (not suppose to be a happy thought but life is weird sometimes).

OHHHHH!!!!

Your task in life has been made clear, jedi padawan. You have been sent to this poor sad ward on a mission of mercy from the Most High God. Get some of your friends baptized! Then you'll have your own buds in the ward to back you up. I agree with everyone else about being a shining example to everyone in the ward, but...it's easier when you have someone to sit next to.

[Jbs2763]

I found that issue when i MOVED to Utah...the ward i was in, singles ward mind you...was very cliquey, and i only made a few freinds by being freindly....my ysa ward is kinda like that here...but not near as bad...we have a few uber freindly people that make up for the not so much... considering your ward is very small..i'm guessing there aren't any others very close? Are you at a point in you life where you can trhow a dart at a map and go somewhere else? I've done that a couple times...but i am currently back in the town i grew up in..lol

[Dravin]

My cousin was recently baptised, and i was shocked to see that only one family out of our entire ward showed up... it was disgusting to see such lack of commitment to our brethen.

To be fair it could be a lack of the missionaries (or ward mission leader) drumming up support. In my experience if missionaries don't recruit people to the baptism the people who show up can be rather small in numbers and quite a few didn't even know one was happening. Time can also effect things, if I say, scheduled a baptism for Wednesday at 3pm pretty much nobody would be able to make it. Don't know if such was the case though.

last week we had the temple president come out to speak to us, he asked us what we had to do to get into the temple, our entire ward was silent....

Generally depending on whether the speaking to us is a lesson in which interaction is expected or a up and up talk on a subject depends on whether one answers questions. For instance if I gave a talk and asked, "What can we do to increase the influence of the Spirit in our life?" then it would be a call to introspection not for answers. If I asked that in Gospel Princples or some other class then I'm probably expecting answers, but I wouldn't be expecting confessions. So, "Avoid Pornography" instead of, "I would probably feel the spirit more if I stopped looking at pornography", the latter would make people all sorts of uncomfortable. This a Mormon Culture thing though and not something you'd know unless taught. I'm sure there are church were if the speaker asks a question and expects the congregation to respond and classes expect confessions and if one never went to church before one wouldn't have aclue about LDS Church Culture let alone Church Culture.

Of course they're response seems overly harsh even if one did answer question from the pulpit in sacrament meeting, the person next to you nudging you and letting you know its a rehtorical question or somebody doing so after the meeting seems a lot more appropriate.

it's been a year for me and i'm rarely greeted or spoken too... the mast offensive thing of late was i had a calling to do a talk during sacrement excited i accepted...

this was later taken back and i never had the chance to do it... it would of been fantastic to focus and share what i had learnt...

To your average member that would have been a blessing, not a bad thing. :) You could always let the Bishopric know you'd love to give a talk, in my experience its the talk equivalent of wrapping yourself in a dead cow and swimming with piranhas, they're gonna come after you.

Also, people have pointed out making an effort to greet people and be friendly. I tend to show up at church with a neutral look on my face (may even be slightly negative) and not make an effort to greet people as a result I don't know anybody except a few uber friendly ones and if I could see myself in the mirror I can understand why people aren't chomping at the bit to greet me. This would be even more the case if I had been hurt and was giving off, "Stay away from me!" vibes. Don't know if it applies to your case, but if you don't go out of your way to greet people they may assume you don't want to be greeted.

[Guest missingsomething]

I grew up in a terrible branch of 40ish people. My sister and I were the only converts that stayed active in over 5 years... As a young woman, my branch president confronted me once in the hall...backed me up against a wall...and pointed his finger at me for going over his head to one of the stake counselors about some of the things going on in my branch (like the exact thing he did-infront of the ENTIRE stake presidency). At first I was waved off... until he exploded infront of them. It was incredibly difficult for me, a girl of 15 and my parents werent members to keep going to church. I had no voice whatsoever. But here's what I learned:

YOu are in that ward for a reason. The Lord is strengthening you - you must be very loved by Him to want to thicken your skin so you dont fall away easily. YOu are very important to Him. Trust him.

DO NOT be afraid to go to your stake president with your concerns. Make a list, detailed, of the things that happen to you...and how your bishop reacts to you trying to talk to him about it. Also make sure you bring your concerns to the RS presidency. This way you are not at fault for not sharing how you feel.

Dont wait to be talked to. My mother taught me to kill people with kindness. Speak to EVERYONE. Smile to EVERYONE. Forget what they have said/done to you... I hated a girl once - literally - those here who know me would never have guessed I could be so mean - I used to plot ways to make her miserable. Then when the guys we were with became best friends, I had no choice but to tolerate her. Then it occurred to me to go the extra mile and SERVE her. This killed me but I listened to the promptings of the spirit and I did serve her - and she became someone I could like (not love...hehehe but like).

Even now, doing these things.... my ward holds no "friends" for me. People do not go out of their way to talk to me, I dont hang out with them outside of church, and when I make a comment (normally outside their sometimes judgemental undertones, I do get a roll of the eyes). But its ok. I am not there for them. I am there for me. I pray to feel the spirit and despite of these things - I feel the spirit and I am lifted up. But regardless... I smile, I thank...and I bear my testimony. Demand to be heard. And you know... if you happen to say something like..."I know this church is true and I know that Christ is not harsh, or clicky, and does not judge me but accepts me....and I would like to ask you brothers and sisters what I have to do to get the same kind of support and acceptance from you ..."... well, I certainly would understand

One other option is to ask the stake president to go to another ward. I would tell you though -this may help but you want to really seek this out in prayer - there is a reason you are there. You need to find a way to overcome it.

Keep us informed, and hang in there!!!

[GingerGolden]

Yep, that's right!

Walk right up, smile that smile with the bright shiny welcoming eyes, stick out your right hand and say, "Hi! I'm Sister SonSo! Nice to meet you."

Mosey right up there in the middle of them and make a dazzling and refreshing presentation. You'll be sweeping them off their feet, before they know what hit them!

Don't be shy, get out there and mingle, make yourself known. Let them learn to love you, they will you know, if you just go right on ahead and make the decision that your gonna be the breath of fresh air they been needing for a long time!

As Pres. Spencer W. Kimball would say, Just "Do It!"

[Madriglace]

I am of the firm opinion to get right to the heart of the matter ... no messing around ... go to the source. Many years ago I moved into a ward and for 3 years when I went to church someone either asked me if I was new or everyone just completely ignored me. So finally I just got plain tired of the nonsense. I chose Fast Sunday for my scud missle attack. I got up, went to the pulpit and introduced myself and said I had been in the ward for 3 years. I then went on to say that in all that time I had no VT or HT, and shame on them for treating a daughter of God in such a manner. I then said I was going to find out who my VT & HT were and call THEM. there were lots of folks sliding down in their seats but it got results.

People in the church are just people and sometimes we need to blast them out of their comfort zones. As has been said before .... SMILE!!! And don't let the nonsense bother you. It just isn't worth the headache. You are greatly loved and in the right place don't let small, stiff necked people change that ... ever.

[RachelleDrew]

I don't go to church to make friends, I go there to worship and learn, which I can do regardless of if people like me or not.

I've been in your situation before, and ultimately I just had to decide not to worry about it anymore. I have friends outside of the church, but very few within the church. My testimony is just as strong as any of theirs is, so what does it matter? Be kind to them, but don't break your neck trying to get them to involve you.

[kileyizzle]

thank you all for your great responses!

and i love the whole go in guns ablazing < meaning smiles >

the thing is that since i was baptised alot of my "freinds" have told me that they don't want anything to do with me because of the church, and how it's been dubbed a cult by alot of media....

so for me, i have lost alot of freinds and gained no new ones, which makes it a teeny bit harder...

however reading the responses on here, gives me great comfart, and i am truly appreciative for these responses...

the spirit has returned and for the better

[Maya]

HEY ... no new friends... what about US!

Seriosly. I can understand the dilemma. It is so funny that we are often said to avoid others than LDS and accused that we leave our old friends when we become LDS. They alwaus manage to turn the truth around...

Ofcourse your friends have their own freedom to choose. It does get better after a few ... years... when your friends find out you stil are there, but that wont help much at this moment. Just stay strong, good friends are friends no matter what!

If there are many wards around, maybe you can change a ward... go fishing! Would perhaps make the people in your ward think... especially if you came out withthe truth about changing the ward!

[Jbs2763]

made me think of this Maya

[Dravin]

how it's been dubbed a cult by alot of media....

If you want to tweak their noses ask them to define a cult, watch as they desribe a ton of religions that they don't consider cults. My favorite definition and the one most used apparently is, "a church down the street I don't like."

[ADoyle90815]

made me think of this Maya

[ADoyle90815]

If you can, it might be nice to check out other wards, as in other churches, if you find that one congregation isn't right for you, you can go to a different church in your area that you like better that's part of the same denomination.

[TRomans]

thank you all for your great responses!

and i love the whole go in guns ablazing < meaning smiles >

the thing is that since i was baptised alot of my "freinds" have told me that they don't want anything to do with me because of the church, and how it's been dubbed a cult by alot of media....

so for me, i have lost alot of freinds and gained no new ones, which makes it a teeny bit harder...

however reading the responses on here, gives me great comfart, and i am truly appreciative for these responses...

the spirit has returned and for the better

Kiley I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. I thankfully have a ward that is very opening so I cannot relate fully to what you are going through. I can relate however about the friends not wanting anything to do with you. Some of my friends or people who I thought were my friends have stopped keeping in contact with me because I attend this church. Thankfully my closer buddies understand that this means a lot to me and they are okay with it and are more accepting. I also had the blessing to of been friends with several LDS members at my school and so I have them as support, we have even become closer. My advice to you is like what people have said, just be friendly and be the better person. Give it time I am sure you will make a smooth transition. If not see if there is another ward in your area and see about the possibility of you attending there. I wish you luck and all the best.

Tyler

[talisyn]

You all need to move to my ward, and we'll hang out

[kileyizzle]

lucky for me today it was confrence so it wasn't just my ward...

today i took the oppourtunity and spread my wings a little, < most of them were decades older however >

the guy next to me was sitting on a pillow, so i struck up conversation by saying " i like your pillow " and although i was stuck there listening to his life story ie. back when i was a wee lad it was refreshing to see how other people from diffrent wards come together...

i also made freinds with the lady behind me who had hurt her foot and the elderly couple infront of me who shushed me for rattling my wrappers in my hand bag < bought her out with an easter egg >

while a few other people from my ward attended i smiled and acted politely, secretly killing them in my head < with kindness of course >

afterwards i took the liberty of striking up conversation with anybody and everybody...

until a past flame approached and said "hi"

kiley being kiley... then proceeded to say ummmm ummm gotta go bye and run away <no literally ran away >

i appreciate and love you guys so much you uplifted my despair and help me so much

hehe i'd love for us to be in a ward together, probably be told of for chattering amongst ourselves...

[talisyn]

I'm glad you were able to have decent conversations with others at church

A pillow at church though....now that is an idea I can see myself trying

[Hemidakota]

When I was 18 and newly married we moved into a new ward. We weren't spoken to. I was called to teach Relief Society (this was back when Relief Society and Primary were held during the week.. .and this was in Utah). I would walk in the building and NOBODY would say hi, hello or drop dead. The meeting would begin, I'd give my lesson, then after the closing prayer everyone would get up and leave chatting among themselves. Nobody said a word to me. This went on for a couple of months and I asked to be released. I tell you this to let you know that I understand your feelings.

I regret that decision today.

What I've learned is to bloom where I'm planted. We've lived in other wards who were unfriendly and downright mean. When I was in my late 20s I was complaining about my ward at work. A coworker said something to me that hit me in the heart. He said "Wards are only as good as what you put into them." OUCH!

What I started to do slowly is move out of my comfort zone and reach out to others who were being ostrasized. I tried harder to be Christ-like to those who were rude or mean. I prayed for my "enemies." I prayed harder for me.

When we moved into this ward 15 years ago one of the younger sisters adopted a new baby. Her mother was holding the baby in Relief Society. Class hadn't started. There weren't many sisters there yet. I sat next to this woman and commented on how pretty the baby was and how excited she must be. She physically turned her back to me without saying a word.

Today... I doubt she even rememberrs the incident and she spent 1-1/2 hours at my house chatting and quilting with me. I smile when I think back 15 years to when she obviously snubbed me in church.

The change of heart took a long time and I take absolutely no credit for it. The Lord caused the change, not me! All I did was remain friendly. I do not gossip or even casually talk about other people. I try my hardest to treat other people how I would want to be treated.

All you can really do is be yourself. Treat others as you would like to be treated. PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! With the Lord all things are possible.

applepansy

P.S. If necessary, and after lots of prayer, you may need to move. If you stay close to the Lord and do your best to follow the commandments HE will let you know what is best to do.

Excellent posting...

[Guest missingsomething]

lucky for me today it was confrence so it wasn't just my ward...

today i took the oppourtunity and spread my wings a little, < most of them were decades older however >

the guy next to me was sitting on a pillow, so i struck up conversation by saying " i like your pillow " and although i was stuck there listening to his life story ie. back when i was a wee lad it was refreshing to see how other people from diffrent wards come together...

i also made freinds with the lady behind me who had hurt her foot and the elderly couple infront of me who shushed me for rattling my wrappers in my hand bag < bought her out with an easter egg >

while a few other people from my ward attended i smiled and acted politely, secretly killing them in my head < with kindness of course >

afterwards i took the liberty of striking up conversation with anybody and everybody...

until a past flame approached and said "hi"

kiley being kiley... then proceeded to say ummmm ummm gotta go bye and run away <no literally ran away >

i appreciate and love you guys so much you uplifted my despair and help me so much

hehe i'd love for us to be in a ward together, probably be told of for chattering amongst ourselves...

Yeah, I tend to get in enough trouble...lol I dont need any help hehehe. Sounds great. Keep it up - some weeks will be more exhausting than others - just chin up.

[applepansy]

lucky for me today it was confrence so it wasn't just my ward...

today i took the oppourtunity and spread my wings a little, < most of them were decades older however >

the guy next to me was sitting on a pillow, so i struck up conversation by saying " i like your pillow " and although i was stuck there listening to his life story ie. back when i was a wee lad it was refreshing to see how other people from diffrent wards come together...

i also made freinds with the lady behind me who had hurt her foot and the elderly couple infront of me who shushed me for rattling my wrappers in my hand bag < bought her out with an easter egg >

while a few other people from my ward attended i smiled and acted politely, secretly killing them in my head < with kindness of course >

afterwards i took the liberty of striking up conversation with anybody and everybody...

until a past flame approached and said "hi"

kiley being kiley... then proceeded to say ummmm ummm gotta go bye and run away <no literally ran away >

i appreciate and love you guys so much you uplifted my despair and help me so much

hehe i'd love for us to be in a ward together, probably be told of for chattering amongst ourselves...

Good for you! Keep it up even when it feels so hard to do. (((hugs)))

[kileyizzle]

haha so far so good... man tis so boring though...

i know we need to go to church for several hours to build testimony and strengthen our spirits..

but it does seem to drag on alot