I am dead. I truly don't know what to do.


RachelleDrew
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Rachelle,

I forgot to add something I wanted to say in my previous post.

The "relationship" your husband has with this woman is not real.

I guarantee you their affair is not going to last. They are both in lala land right now, passionately in lust, and think they are truly meant for each other, blah blah blah.

But in reality, they know absolutely nothing about each other. There has been no time for each of them to discover who the other person really is.

In fact, eventually it is going to sink in to her that he is a person who would devastate his family, including his own son, and who's to say he won't do the same to her. Eventually it is going to sink into him she is a person who would be complicit in this, and he'll think the same of her. They will never develop any real trust or respect for the other.

Also the idea that they'll have a forever family is obtuse. I can't imagine they'll ever be considered worthy to be sealed in the temple, or if that is possible, it will take years. They'll never last that long.

Elphaba

Edited by Elphaba
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Rachelle don't be embarrased the fact you made the marriage with such a total jackass such a cakewalk says a lot about you, and indicates you will get your temple marriage.

Stay strong - I haven't been through it myself but watched my Mum she had a great marriage and adored my jackass of a Father it was only when she met him 12 years after their divorce she was actually relieved that the boring little old man had left her

You will get your perspective on this situation and so will he

-Charley

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Rachelle, don't be embarrassed. We are all pulling for you.

Here's a thought; take it for what it's worth. My thought is that I hope you can somehow avoid despising and hating your (maybe soon to be ex-) husband. I say this not primarily for his sake, but for yours.

Whether it's a chemical imbalance or old-fashioned carnality that led him to this precipice, he has put his own spiritual well-being in jeopardy and has paved his own way to destruction, both in this life and the life to come. A man acting as he has acted cannot be happy. He may be, as someone else put it, in "lala land", but he will meet with reality soon enough. Hopefully, through painful repentance and the grace of Christ, he can pull back from the cliff edge before he does himself in.

But whatever becomes of your husband, you must keep yourself and your son from being pulled into his vortex of destruction. Feelings of hatred and vengefulness, if left unchecked, will eat away at you. As someone once said, hating another person is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

If you decide your husband can no longer be a part of your life, then so be it. That is your decision to make, and you have every right to it. And if he wakes up and realizes what he's done and you decide to work to save your marriage, that's your right, too. But whatever you decide, don't let his actions and foolish behavior engender spiritual venom that poisons you. Sorrow for him, pity him, wonder at his foolishness, whatever, just don't let yourself get infected by hatred. I have seen many people, including some very close to me, hurt by exactly that.

Anyway, not trying to lecture you. Just a thought for your consideration. God be with you.

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I'm so very sorry. It's a despicable thing he's done to you. Terrible beyond words to adequately describe.

I also wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that you won't be able to find anyone new. Your husband and his partner in adultery are not the only Latter Day Saints who let themselves be influenced by the world and fail to do right before God when the chips were down. Keep yourself prayerful and open to possibilities. There are a lot of people who have been left behind in the wake of the same sort of spiritual carnage. There is no reason you can't find one of them, or perhaps someone who just never married. The point is, if it happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't. Your soon to be ex will have to do right by you and his child before he will have any future with this woman that is acceptable before God.

The wisest thing that my mother often said: "Plan for the worst, hope for the best, take what comes." The worst case would be that you soon to be ex-husband will not do right by you or his child and you will not find another husband. In that case, you will have to do what far too many women in this world have had to do: Be a mother, and father. Be a provider and nurturer at the same time. The best case is that you find a worthy new man who takes you to the temple and adopts your son. I don't think getting back together with someone who is so defiantly determined to leave would be an acceptable scenario, so I would advise writing that possibility off altogether. If he comes to his senses, he's still proven to you that he can be trusted, so I wouldn't advise letting him come back to you even if he wants to. Obviously, give yourself some time to recover from this unspeakable shock. Then start doing the best thing that you can: Plan for the worst, hope for the best, take what comes."

I still feel absolutely terrible for you Rachelle. Nobody should have to go through what you're going through.

Edited by Faded
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Here's the thing; I truly want my husband back in our marriage and our parenthood. I would do anything in the world, aside from something that would stall my spiritual progression or harm my son.

With that being said, I truly believe that his erratic behaviors and hurtful decisions are rooted in his medication. There is just too much that makes me believe this to be true. The real husband that I know is a kind, wonderful person who is logical and cares enough about his son and family to make great sacrifices in order to save our family. However, that person has been replaced entirely. But I know he is still in there.

Because of that, if he chose to go to counseling with me, and speak with a doctor about changing his medication or dosage, I would joyfully take him back and forgive him and move on to improve myself as a wife and mother, and help him improve himself as well. Perhaps we were not in the temple when we said our vows, but I still mean everything I said the day we were married. I will not give up on my marriage until I know for certain that the person I married cannot be brought back.

I am not signing any divorce papers, and i am not going to look for another companion or even think about it. My objective is getting my husband back on track with our family.

I've spoken with him recently, and he does in fact want contact with our son. He spoke out of anger, and with intentions on hurting my feelings. It worked, and I was very hurt. However, I have to think of my son and how it would absolutely be in his benefit to have a father active in his life.

My question is this; at this point what can I do to get my husband to want to come back to us? He and I have been speaking off and on all day making arrangements and it's remained cordial and platonic. I didn't beg for him back or yell at him for what he had done. I've gotten that out of my system now. What I need to know is how to approach him, in a way that makes him aware i'm open to reconciling, without appearing needy and desperate. I know that would only make it worse.

The relationship with his mistress is coming to an end. She had apparently gotten her mission call not long ago, and this situation made it's way to her bishop rather quickly. She of course, lied to her bishop and told him nothing happened. But from what I hear she is paranoid that this will keep her from serving. Had she of been honest, it certainly would have. She has kept her distance from my husband for the past 24 hours. I feel this gives me a chance, I just need to know where to go from here.

I have every intention on saving my marriage. If I feel like my efforts will be toxic for my son, or harm my integrity as a person or a child of god, then I will certainly cut my losses and move on. But until then, i'm buckling down and doing whatever I have to do. I just don't know where to start.

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I will give you my opinion, Rachelle. Not advice, just an opinion.

I would say, Don't do anything explicitly to "get him back". He is your husband, and unless he is brain-dead, that fact alone will bring him back to you -- IF he has any intention of repenting. If he does not, then any begging or yelling or pleading or asking or anything else on your part will not do any good, and might just open you up to emotional manipulation, or worse.

Bottom line: Remain cordial and keep praying for him, but let HIM make the reconciliatory moves. If and when he does, respond in accordance with the Spirit (and not out of relief or desperation). If he doesn't, then he is voicing his decision as clearly as possible.

There's my view. Take it or leave it, as you see fit. God bless you in this difficult time. Many people are praying for you.

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Guest Alana

You can be ok. I promise. My situations have been different but they have been devastating, and the Lord was there for me the whole time, it was just a matter if I looked towards him or not. Heavenly Father loves you, he knows what you are feeling and he can and will comfort you, let him. When everything seems ruined, hold on to the atonement and don't let go. You can do it.

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So sorry about what is happening in your life. You need to let him find out himself that he wants back. If he does it IS the best for all of you. And you both need to work for the marriage a lot so it will last. Devorce, in generall, is not worth it! But if it should come to that... dont ever think NO ONE would take you! But if it happens, be sure not to choose wrong again... easier said than done. It all depends on ... people, life, willingnes to sacrifice.

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I will give you my opinion, Rachelle. Not advice, just an opinion.

I would say, Don't do anything explicitly to "get him back". He is your husband, and unless he is brain-dead, that fact alone will bring him back to you -- IF he has any intention of repenting. If he does not, then any begging or yelling or pleading or asking or anything else on your part will not do any good, and might just open you up to emotional manipulation, or worse.

Bottom line: Remain cordial and keep praying for him, but let HIM make the reconciliatory moves. If and when he does, respond in accordance with the Spirit (and not out of relief or desperation). If he doesn't, then he is voicing his decision as clearly as possible.

There's my view. Take it or leave it, as you see fit. God bless you in this difficult time. Many people are praying for you.

I agree with Vort, I would wait and see what he is willing to do to get you back and not the other way around. He should work hard to make himself worthy of you and your son. I know it might be hard but in my opinion you should put yourself and your son first.

I will pray for you and your son.

Rain

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Guest JoshDwellington

Yo Rachelle,

sorry to hear this . . . hope you're getting through this as fast as possible.

Just one question :

does your husband have a 'best buddy' or a male friend he's really close to ??

mean those who've been friends for years and years

May sound awkward, but if you know that person, he's usually the guy the husband will listen to, waaaay ahead of any woman, so . . .

Love

Josh

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^He does have a best friend, the guy he's living with now.

However, his friend's romantic life is a mess. He wants my husband to remain single so he has someone to commiserate with. He is telling my husband not to talk to me. Which is insane after all the things i've done for his friend. But that's how he is.

All of his other friends like me and have been very supportive of me and have offered to help me out with things around the house while my husband is gone. One even said he would take my son to the park or zoo or something if I just needed a day to chill out, and another is changing my tires for me this afternoon. However, my husband is avoiding these friends, and some of them are angry with him for his choices and have cut ties with him.

Good idea, but it just won't work.

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Rachelle, I am currently in a separation where I too want to do whatever I can to save my marriage. I went through a lot for the first few weeks, trying desperately to get my wife to come back and see the tragedy that she had created. But I started searching for answers and did one thing that seems to have brought the quickest change and we are now sort of talking about reconciliation....well, we have a long way to go but this is what I did that took it from me begging her to come back to her wanting to talk more.....I just wrote her a note and told her that I agreed that we needed to divorce...I left that note at her house when I picked up my sons and she called me the next day. The note was very short and in it I apologized for some of the things I had done and then told her that I agreed with her decision. Might be something you want to try, there are a few more specifics to the note that I will share with you if you would like.....all I know is that if there is anything in your husband that wants to save your marriage this note should help bring it to the surface.

The good thing about living in NC is there is a one year separation that is mandatory before divorce so this helped in my situation.

My heart does go out to you because I know some of the hurt you are feeling and it is not easy to deal with but it does get marginally better each day.

Take care.

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First, I am so sorry this is happening to you, your son, and your family.

Something to think about. This mistress may have cut off ties with him in hopes that she can serve her mission, but it won't last. The missionary bar has been raised. I would be flabergasted if she can still serve a mission. My understanding is that moral purity is a requirement and that specifically, if a missionary has had sex on a regular basis, then he/she cannot serve a full time, traditional mission. Thus, once she finds out that she can't serve a mission, she may return to her relationship with your husband.

I don't have any advice. I honestly don't know what to do in your situation. I would recommend speaking to your bishop (he can help you with the spiritual aspect of this devestation) and seeking counseling for yourself (you need to have some professional counseling to help the grief/anger issues).

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^That's just it. She completely threw my husband under the bus and said that he was lying about everything. That there was never any relationship, and that he's making everything up.

The bishop cannot act on anything that she won't admit to. So long as she proclaims innocence, and there is no physical evidence only my word against hers, she still gets to go on her mission. It pisses me off that a person like THAT gets to serve and I never got to. What place does she have teaching the gospel to ANYONE?

My husband is just going insane. I do know that he is making SOME of the things regarding this woman up. Specifically the length of time they were together. The length of time he tells me they were boyfriend/girlfriend isn't physically possible. She was several states away.

However, there was a relationship and I am 100% certain on that.

I don't know.

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^That's just it. She completely threw my husband under the bus and said that he was lying about everything. That there was never any relationship, and that he's making everything up.

The bishop cannot act on anything that she won't admit to. So long as she proclaims innocence, and there is no physical evidence only my word against hers, she still gets to go on her mission. It pisses me off that a person like THAT gets to serve and I never got to. What place does she have teaching the gospel to ANYONE?

My husband is just going insane. I do know that he is making SOME of the things regarding this woman up. Specifically the length of time they were together. The length of time he tells me they were boyfriend/girlfriend isn't physically possible. She was several states away.

However, there was a relationship and I am 100% certain on that.

I don't know.

Yes, the bishop can act even if she denies the charges. Its called a Bishop's Court. Now if the bishop decides to believe her that is another story. Then you have a very hard decision to make... Its important that you stay supportive of your Bishop. Even if he's wrong if you're supportive and obedient things will work out for the best in the end and you will be blessed.

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I have no advice, just hugs and prayers for you and your son. The strength you have showed here on the boards the last few days is amazing. Your commitment to your family is nothing short of inspiring and you are truly a wonderful example of what a daughter of Heavenly Father is.
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Yes, the bishop can act even if she denies the charges. Its called a Bishop's Court. Now if the bishop decides to believe her that is another story. Then you have a very hard decision to make... Its important that you stay supportive of your Bishop. Even if he's wrong if you're supportive and obedient things will work out for the best in the end and you will be blessed.

Do you have any evidence? Such as emails, texts, notes, etc? If so, then I would suggest talking to the bishop and telling him that you have such.

The only other thing I can think of is that if the Bishop chooses not to pursue it, then I would consider talking to the stake president. I do agree that you need to support the bishop. However, if you have information that the Bishop is either ignoring or chooses to take her side of it, then I don't think bringing it to the stake president's attention is NOT supporting the bishop. Sometimes, bishops make mistakes and the SP can help to correct/instruct bishops.

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I admire you, RachelleDrew, you have great strength and commitment. It's amazing how medicine can affect the brain, and I'm starting to feel sorry for your husband, too. He's really going to feel bad when he gets back to normal. I'm glad you have such a great support group, esp the in-laws! One of my favorite sayings is "the best revenge is a life well lived", and I think it'll be the best way to show your husband what he's missing.

But in the end it's up to you, and from reading your posts I have no doubt you'll come out of this trial by fire stronger than before.

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^That's just it. She completely threw my husband under the bus and said that he was lying about everything. That there was never any relationship, and that he's making everything up.

The bishop cannot act on anything that she won't admit to. So long as she proclaims innocence, and there is no physical evidence only my word against hers, she still gets to go on her mission. It pisses me off that a person like THAT gets to serve and I never got to. What place does she have teaching the gospel to ANYONE?

My husband is just going insane. I do know that he is making SOME of the things regarding this woman up. Specifically the length of time they were together. The length of time he tells me they were boyfriend/girlfriend isn't physically possible. She was several states away.

However, there was a relationship and I am 100% certain on that.

I don't know.

Rachelle? What your husband is showing is classic signs of Manic behaviour. Someone in my family very close to me has severe Manic-Depression.

When you're manic, the following applies:

1) You don't need to take medication because nothing is wrong.

2) Every obligation placed upon you is unfair and irritating. Nobody else in the world has the same type of obligation, so they want out.

3) Spending goes way up, thinking about the future goes way down. Whatever whim passes through your mind gets indulged. People fall in love ridiculously easy at this time.

Frankly, you KNOW he made up things about the relationship. You KNOW she plans on going on a mission.

Chances are, your husband thought there really was a relationship when, in fact, he was just flirting with her and she most likely flirted back. This led him to believe he was in a relationship, since he 'loved' her. It is driving him crazy because he 'knows' they had something special.

They did not. She is most likely innocent. Your husband is most likely manic. What you need to do is step back, breathe deep and ask yourself these questions:

1) Does your husband act like he did before?

2) Is he showing signs of frantic activity?

3) Is he emotional, easily irritated and prone to hate the obligations placed upon him?

Rachelle: This is not your fault. Things don't need to be this way. Don't spend time worrying about this girl, who most likely is a victim of your husbands altered state of mind. Instead, speak to his Doctor and tell your suspicions. See if there's a way to fix it.

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Hugs to you Rachel! You are a wonderful person!

I lived 3+ years alone with my 2 kids as my ex moved out. He never payed me any childsupport as he never informed that he moved out. It got a bit difficult at the end so I finally tok the devorce papers in. He was not opposing, but was not going to apply for it either. To him it was ok to live with an other woman in an other place and beeing married to me.:eek:

One thing I can assure you that IF there was anything between your DH and this woman and she wont tell about it to the bishop in fear she will loose the mission possibility... just relax, God will take care of it in His due time.

I dont really understand, there is no adultery in the picture?

I have a good frend in Finland whom I sometimes help... or helped. He even stayed in our house when my DH was not home. He is like a brother to me. I find it much easier to talk with him about the gospel than my DH. My DH has no imagination. I love to speculate and he dont accept speculations. I can talk with him in phone for a long time in the language my DH do not understand!

There is so much more I have learned about the gospel on the internett that if I talk to him about them he thinks I am totally on wrong track. But this other guy I can talk with and speculate. I could never even think about him anything else than as a good dear friend a brother which I dont have ... not around anyway mine are in British Colombia and I seen them once in my life and they are not LDS. My DHs english is limited, so he cant aquire the knowledge either.

I really hope you can solve this problem. I am not sure if my Maya profile works, as it seems still be with my old name Mailis:eek:

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Keep your head up! I just had a similar situation happen to me.

All I have to say is remember that your past is your past its not who YOU ARE!

Also for what its worth if I was dating someone divorced with a kid it would be because they were a great person, regardless of what comes with them. Everyone has baggage and no ones is heavier than anyone else’s.

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Rachelle,

I am sorry this has happened to you. I have had many of the same emotions you have written about. My ex left me and my three children in 2002 and has never contacted us.

I am so sorry for you. No one needs this kind of pain and this is never a part of anyone's plan.

I was asked by my bishop if I would consider reconciliation. I thought about it for a long time. He asked because he and my stake president feel it is important that I should be married. They are both good men and told them I would, but it would depend on the manner of her return. She has to work for it.

I think this is the same for your husband. He has to work for it. You are worth more than any weight of gold and you need to keep this in mind. Determine for yourself what it would take and make him work. Make sure he can commit to true change. He has to make a clean break from his past. Only you would know how to determine this, but I recommend fasting, prayer, the gospel, and consultation with a marriage counselor (it sounds like you might be meeting with one now).

However, it might be impossible for him to come back. He might not want to ultimately. He might not be able to (for whatever lame reason he has). If this is the case, rely on family, the church, and friends and know the L-rd loves you and will not let you live alone and unhappy.

My ex still has not come back and that bothers me very much. I sometimes hope for it. I am definitely not over her yet and I still blame myself for her departure. This holds me back, in my opinion. My inability to forgive her is also holding me back.

Forgive him (when you are able to). Forgive the other woman (even if she doesn't deserve it). Forgive yourself (even if you have done nothing wrong) and rid yourself of these burdens.

Love your little boy no matter what. Hold him close and make sure he knows how valuable he is to you.

I hope the best for you. I hope you can find a way to make life better.

-Aaron the Ogre

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