Single guys in the Church


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Perhaps I am reading more into a certain post I read recently. But a member said that Church considers any single man over the age of 25 a "menace to society".... Is that true? I am anew member and I am 42 yrs. old. I have never been married. The reasons have some to do with my childhood and other things that I don't feel like putting out there right now.

I guess my real question is are men who haven't married considered somehow less a member??? I desire to be married. I want to recieve the blessings that come with that but , I have never been real good at dating. I feel like no woman could ever love me with all I have been through.... And, being that I am 42 I feel like my marriage "clock" is ticking!:) Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

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that is kind of a joke, well at least in modern society it is, steve young(the hall of famer) quoted his grandfather saying that, and he was single till his late 30s, depending on where you live, there may not be a large number of lds singles...i would suggest one of the online sites, there are 3 that i can think of off the top of my head LDSMingle.com, ldssingles.com, and ldsplanet.com i personally have 2 "real life" freinds that got engaged off of mingle, and its the one i'm playing around, and datign sucks regardless of age...always has , always will......

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Awww Spiritseeker, don't give up! Do you have any idea how many really nice girls are out there? Maybe you need to expand your search parameters? I'm not talking about moral standards, but what exactly are you looking for?

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Carry Your Own Cross

By Elder Marvin J. Ashton Of the Quorum of the Twelve; Taken from an edited version of a talk given 3 May 1987 at a BYU sixteen-stake fireside.

"In Matthew 16:24–25, we read, "Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

But what kind of cross do we each bear? what is its shape, weight, size, or dimension? The crosses we may carry are many: the cross of loneliness, the cross of physical limitations—loss of a leg, an arm, hearing, seeing, or mobility. These are obvious crosses. We see people with these crosses, and we admire their strength in carrying them with dignity. Poor health can be a cross, as can transgression, success, temptation, beauty, fame, or wealth. Financial burdens can be a cross. So can criticism or peer rejection.

Count Your Blessings

There is an aid, there is a strength, there is a power when we count our blessings as we labor under crosses that sometimes seem unreasonable and unfair but that can be for our good and for our strength. I bear special witness to you that carrying our crosses and following our Lord will bring strength, peace, and purpose in our quest for the abundant life. God has made this promise. Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly, And you will be singing as the days go by.

(Hymns, 1985, no. 241.)

There is a strength that comes to us when we count our blessings as we labor under crosses that may sometimes seem unreasonable and unfair, but that can be for our good. I bear witness to you that carrying our crosses and following the Savior will bring us strength, peace, and purpose in our quest for the abundant life. God has made that promise."

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If this is a duplicated text, I apologize for my ignorance. I'd just like to communicate the response, so that it is easily read. Many lonely hours are spent by those who are single. And, some who are married are very lonely as well. Either way, it is a similar challenge to come closer to God and find the peace He offers. I know I don't know everything, but the following quote may help someone. Please read this short quote from Elder Ashton as a humble method for handling any type of suffering we may have.

Carry Your Own Cross

By Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve; Taken from an edited version of a talk given 3 May 1987 at a BYU sixteen-stake fireside.

"In Matthew 16:24-25, we read, "Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

But what kind of cross do we each bear? What is its shape, weight, size, or dimension? The crosses we may carry are many: the cross of loneliness, the cross of physical limitations-loss of a leg, an arm, hearing, seeing, or mobility. These are obvious crosses. We see people with these crosses, and we admire their strength in carrying them with dignity. Poor health can be a cross, as can transgression, success, temptation, beauty, fame, or wealth. Financial burdens can be a cross. So can be criticism or peer rejection.

Count Your Blessings

There is an aid, there is a strength, there is a power when we count our blessings as we labor under crosses that sometimes seem unreasonable and unfair but that can be for our good and for our strength. I bear special witness to you that carrying our crosses and following our Lord will bring strength, peace, and purpose in our quest for the abundant life. God has made this promise. Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly, And you will be singing as the days go by.

(Hymns, 1985, no. 241.)

There is a strength that comes to us when we count our blessings as we labor under crosses that may sometimes seem unreasonable and unfair, but that can be for our good. I bear witness to you that carrying our crosses and following the Savior will bring us strength, peace, and purpose in our quest for the abundant life. God has made that promise."

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She is somewhere out there.. dont be discourage. It wont happen quick but remember it is like fishing. YOu might catch one but they might resist. You have to work and bring them in.Some men just let go of the rod when the fish resist. Dont do it. Hang on and reel her in by doing nice gestures. Let them know amd when the past comes up tell them over time you will let them know but right now its all about her. :)

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But a member said that Church considers any single man over the age of 25 a "menace to society".... Is that true?

No. One guy in the church (Brigham Young, I think) once said something along those lines. I forget the exact quote.

But no, "The Church" (as in the first presidency and quorum of the twelve, who supervise everyone who produces teaching materials) does NOT teach this.

I personally made it to 26 before getting married, and wore my 'danger to society-ness' as a badge of honor.

LM

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Well, our Relief Society president is in her mid-40's and still single. Maybe you guys can hook up. :)

Nothing wrong with being single. I know you can get married in the Spirit World if you don't find the love-of-your-life here.

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Thank-you for the sensitivity of that kind response. Gar "Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped." Marvin J Ashton

Edited by Gargantuan
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spiritseeker, the best piece of advice I can give you is dont 'look' for a wife. It reeks of desperation. Aim to meet women and have a good time, with no thought to the outcome. Yes yes, of course we need to get married but from people I have seen, the ones who actively search for a 'wife' remain single the longest. My attitude would be, 'Lets see what journey this relationship takes me on'.

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There are three new Single Adult facebook groups that all SA reps and Singles should be aware of. Please share these links with other singles in your area.

For 30-something Midsingles, there's the "LDS Midsingles of the World" facebook group which lists all Midsingles Conferences, wards, dances, and local Midsingles facebook groups.

Login | Facebook

There's also the "LDS 40-something Singles of the World" facebook group which lists conferences, dances, wards geared more towards the late30s/40s crowd.

Login | Facebook

And for the listing for the rest of the Single Adult Conferences that are technically 31+ but draw mainly 45+ crowd with a 30-somethings attending, there's the "LDS 50-something Singles of the World" facebook group.

Login | Facebook

So using facebook and joining these groups as a launching off point is a good start. Also try LDS LinkUp - LDS Community Network - The World's Largest LDS Social Network (it's free).

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First I would like to say thank you to all who have responded. You have all been very helpful and kind. It really boils down to this for myself it is all self image hangups.... I need to start looking at what I am in Heavenly Father's eyes and not what my past dictates. I am trying. I am a work in progress....:)

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Hello Spirit Seeker, Thank you for initiating the discussion. I'm sure it was helpful to the many who read some of it. Many times, we need to read something that can be a helpful boost to our determination to continue in life. The following statement by one of our great prophets has been helpful to me at times. Many Blessings, Gar

Things will work out.

Keep trying.

Be believing.

Be Happy.

Don't get discouraged.

Things will work out.

President Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, June, 1995, p.12

Thank you, Gargantuan

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I can see where you’re coming from, Spiritseeker, as I’m also single and 34, and if you’d like another point of view, I can offer you one.

Although the Church doesn’t have a hard line stance on single men over 27 or whatever, you do get the “what’s wrong with this guy?” vibe from members a lot, and even the standard feminine shaming language, especially from the sisters. I got a lot of that when I lived in West Jordan, and where I live now in AZ. It bothered me when I was younger, but these days I really don’t care what the nosy old biddies think.

This is a cultural thing stemming from the early days of the church, when polygamy was around and big families were a necessary support system. Times are different today, but the church is still very traditional about marriage and families. Often members don’t want to hear any valid reasons you might have for staying single, and tell you that you “need” to get married, just because they think you do. Many of them will try and set you up also, which isn’t always a bad thing, but usually it is.

You can be a good, well-adjusted man without being married. You might even be happier that way. Don’t equate happiness with marriage. Marriage alone won’t make you happy. A wife won’t make you happy. Only you can make you happy. Don’t get married just because you think you have to or because everyone else says you should. Only get married if you really love the woman and if she is a nice, decent human being who will be a blessing to you and won’t wreck your life.

On that note, for the love of all that is holy, don’t go to any of the online dating sites! Even LDS sites. It’s a bad, bad idea; I don’t care what anyone tells you. Don’t date long distance either. A recipe for disaster is what that is.

If you do find a girl you like and who likes you back, don’t rush into anything. Classic Mormon error, rushing. Take your time and objectively Test, Test, Test her for any sort of red flag behavior. When I say your life depends on this, I mean your life depends on this!

No-fault divorce laws and the courts in this country will punish you, destroy you, and turn you into an indentured servant for the remainder of your productive years if you choose the wrong woman, so be careful. I know it sounds harsh and exaggerated, and I wish it wasn’t true. Too many of the men in my life, friends and family alike, have found this out the hard way, and most are still paying for it right now. So learn from their mistakes.

A wise man once said, “It takes twenty years to know if you married a good woman, but by then it’s too late.”

Perhaps I am reading more into a certain post I read recently. But a member said that Church considers any single man over the age of 25 a "menace to society".... Is that true? I am anew member and I am 42 yrs. old. I have never been married. The reasons have some to do with my childhood and other things that I don't feel like putting out there right now.

I guess my real question is, are men who haven't married considered somehow less a member??? I desire to be married. I want to receive the blessings that come with that but, I have never been real good at dating. I feel like no woman could ever love me with all I have been through.... And, being that I am 42 I feel like my marriage "clock" is ticking! Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

From the tone of your post, it sounds like you have confidence issues and you look down on yourself. You care too much about what everyone else is thinking about you. Stop that! Who cares about what anyone else thinks? You might want to look at NLP and reframing techniques to improve your attitude towards yourself and cure your self image problems.

Also, you don’t have a marriage clock. Men tend to age well, and can have kids pretty much until they keel over and die, so don’t worry about it. If you really want to have kids, though, you'll need to get started on that as the pool of women in this country who are of child bearing age and available to you is probably drying up.

If you can’t find a suitable woman to make a family with here, look to other shores. You might need to expat to a foreign nation to find a younger woman, which is probably a better idea in the long run anyway. There are lots of good Mormon women in Central and South America, for example, who’d be thrilled to have a decent American husband, even if he’s a little older, and by all accounts will treat you better than their American sisters. But remember to test, test, test them, take your time, and never, ever bring them back to the US. Move to wherever she’s from and find a way to make a living there. You’ll be happier than if you bring her back here.

As far as not being good at dating, again, stop worrying about it. Most women aren't very good at it either. Stop idolizing them, stop idealizing them, and realize that they’re just people, and are far more flawed and clueless than you think, and in my experience usually have pasts more checkered than you do. So relax.

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I must say I have found this thread very interesting to read.

Perhaps I am reading more into a certain post I read recently. But a member said that Church considers any single man over the age of 25 a "menace to society".... Is that true? I am anew member and I am 42 yrs. old. I have never been married. The reasons have some to do with my childhood and other things that I don't feel like putting out there right now.

I guess my real question is are men who haven't married considered somehow less a member??? I desire to be married. I want to recieve the blessings that come with that but , I have never been real good at dating. I feel like no woman could ever love me with all I have been through.... And, being that I am 42 I feel like my marriage "clock" is ticking!:) Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

spiritseeker I have never considered an unmarried man to be a menace to society and don't recall ever hearing anyone say that in church or at church activities. I grew up in the church. I can understand the feeling about if a woman would ever want to marry someone like me since I am almost 42, divorced, and have custody of my 4 children. So with everything I and my children are now I am trying to figure out how to date and I live in Virginia and as far as I can tell happen to be in a ward with no single women my age and no singles ward for people who are 31 and older. I know our situations are not the same but I do believe there is hope for you and hope for me. We just have to look.

So I did one of the few things I could think of to do and signed up for an online dating site. I also am considering visiting other wards nearby if my callings don't keep me at my ward every Sunday.

I do not consider myself good at dating and am simply hoping that being myself will be enough.

I wish you the best in your search for a best friend you can eventually marry.

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Just be glad you are able to look for a wife. She may appear in a week or a few years from now. In the mean time, work on some personal issues you may have. Being very patient also will help. I know how you are feeling. Unfortunately in my case, marriage is not possible during this probationary time. I sometimes get frustrated over this issue knowing that I'll be single guy for the rest of my life. Heavenly Father does promise that all things will be in their proper place one day.

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  • 1 month later...
When it it's time to be judged to be placed in the Kingdoms and exalted I wonder how Heavenly Father is going look upon those who put others down because they were not married. Is that really Christ like? Perhaps those that are not married yearn greatly to be married but are not because of one reason or another. I just can't believe a married man or woman in the Church will achieve exaltation if they look down upon unmarried people and or members of the Church. Marriage is good. Putting down those that are not is bad.
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  • 2 months later...

The quote is often attributed to Brigham Young> I think it was Heber C Kimball who said that. But dont quote me. In context it made sence because many of the older single men in the region were those ruffians who headed out west and were gambling, drinking, whoring etc.

Nowadays... I dont know if the quote applies. Ive seen no indication that it does. But then I still think they want us to get married and raise families because we need to.

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I should point out that everyone gets this: Someone I'm dating, their Mom wondered what was wrong with me since I wasn't married and was old by church standards.

It's a cultural thing. You'll learn to laugh about it. I often use that quote myself and some of the members and I have a running gag of calling each other menaces.

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When I was a lot younger lol I sometimes received that line about marriage from various parental folks. I would get embarrassed at first by being put on the "spot.” But then, I realized where I was at with their daughter and knowing she understood as well continued to enjoy a nice clean relationship. I always respected their opinion and tried to assure them of my intent of sharing a clean wholesome friendship with their daughter. There some parents who just plain didn't like me and I still tried to respect their opinion. Additionally, those who wanted their daughter to see someone else hardly ever stopped my feelings of affection toward their daughter.

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